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HowlerFlamingpaws

Member
Dec 26, 2023
12
So, I've been in a relationship for the past 6 years. We moved in together and everything was great. I left behind everything to be with them. I didn't have much to begin with: no family, one friend, and the clothes on my back. They've given me a life, and they provide for me. But for the last two years, things have changed drastically. We had a housing crisis, and I shut down instead of stepping up and helping. We lost a lot of their stuff. We had to move. And I was shut down through it all. I've been working my ass off to be there for them since then, but it feels like whatever we had was gone, and now we're just together because I literally have no way to live without them and they can't stand to be alone again. We discovered that we're both neurodivergent, and we both have mood disorders. It's a mess. But I struggle every day to try and be here for them. But it feels like it's never enough, like I failed at the one chance I had and now I'll never be forgiven. And since then, we've been fighting a lot more. If I do anything that's not up to scratch in regards to keeping the house clean, I get yelled at. And I do all the cleaning: I vacuum, I sweep, I mop, I do the dishes, I do most of the cooking, I clean the bathtubs, the toilets, I do the laundry. They'll do a load of laundry occasionally, or maybe cook a meal every now and then. But mostly they just sit and play games on the computer. Neither of us are employed (we've got finances, so we're not struggling), but I'm doing school online. So aside from my school work, I do the bulk of the house work. On top of that, whenever they want to go out, they drag me along with them, despite me being agoraphobic.

Additionally, they've been doing a lot of discovery about themselves and their trauma, and it dominates our interactions. Out of all the conversations we've had in the past two years, at least 70% of them are either about their trauma, or lead to them talking about their trauma. It's all the time. I mean, we'll wake up and the first words out of their mouth are, "You know how I know my mother was abusive?" First thing in the morning. No "good morning" or anything. If we watch a show, they'll pause randomly and say, "that reminds me of this traumatic thing that happened to me." And by now, none of it is new. They've been talking about the same events for two years. If I bring up an unrelated topic, they somehow still wind up talking about their trauma. I know there's no schedule for healing, there's no time table. But like, two years and this is all we talk about. At dinner, in the car, while playing games. The only time they don't bring it up is during sex (which I'm thankful for, since I struggle to be sexual as it is), but they'll bring it up afterwards.

And on top of all this, the main traumatic event was someone gaslighting them about their first relationship, and convincing my partner that the person they were in love with (and who seemed to reciprocate that love) didn't actually love them. And that messed my partner up extremely badly, so badly that they buried those memories for nearly 20 years. Now the memories are back, and so for two years, I've had to listen to my partner constantly talk about this person they were in love with (and still loves, by their own admission), cry over them, dream about them, try to contact them, and wonder what life would have been like if they'd gotten together. Maybe I'm strange, but it almost feels like my partner loves a ghost more than me.

They don't have a therapist. Their friend group fell apart over COVID and none of them talk my partner anymore. They don't have anyone to talk to but me, so I've listened, despite how much it hurts to see them say how much they love this other person, and cry over them. I've shown them nothing but understanding and care. But I feel nothing anymore.

I know that this is just the story from my side. I know I've fucked up a lot. But right now, I don't see a future for this relationship. I can't deal with being the dumping ground for their trauma any more. Am I just being selfish? I can't even tell. I feel like I've gotten burnout, but am I really just a horrible person? Maybe I'm just selfish and they're being far too good to me. I don't know. All I know is that this is slowly but surely driving me towards CTB. And I'd much rather CTB than live like this.
 

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