Dont know how to tag. My emotions are all over the place. Ready to kill myself.

[nohopeforethefuture]

I dont even know how I should tag this. I'm posting for the first time in months with the hope that no one besides me will see this (irl).

I've exhausted my best friend. He said he still wants to be friends but then he doesnt respond to my texts. He was the only thing I had and now its like he doesnt exist. I can't handle this type of heartbreak. I have nothing left to live for if I've pushed him that far away. I needed his support but I'm so selfish and toxic and horrible he has nothing left to give. I've asked him a million times to let me know how he's feeling or what he's thinking but he never does. I can only imagine he will be relieved when I am gone.

Because of my ineptitude, I have been scared to post here. My ex bf discovered this site and my user and while I made him promise to never come here again, my request for a profile deletion was denied. I'm scared he will see this but I'm hoping it wont matter. Because of him I havent been able to talk about this to anyone. He discovered all my Reddit profiles and I had to delete them all besides my main account. I can't even post there anymore because he follows me and Reddit doesn't have an unfollow ability. Not being able to speak to my best friend, or post online, or talk to anyone about this has made me feel more crazy than ever. I feel insane.

I have a therapsit, I've actually gone through 3 since February, and I have a psych. But everyone knows you can't be honest. Mandatory reporting and all that. I have to lie about if i have methods and a plan and what the fuck use is all that then! I feel very disconnected from life. I dont even want to continue anymore. I never really wanted to die but I dont want to continue! If I dont even attempt then how serious am I really?

When I first joined this site I was taught about SN. I bought it shortly after along with the anti ems and the Tagamet. I have water with me. A few months ago when my ex found out, he invited himself over and revealed that he knew everything. My social media accounts talking about this, this account, he had taken the SN and the medicine that I had hidden (not very well) and flaunted them to me to show. He stupidly gave me the SN back but the threatened to call the police. I was scared and angry and I will never forgive him for that. I know he was only doing what he thought was right, but he ruined everything.

In the end I also made him give me back the medicine. I gave the SN to my best friend after that because I didnt know what to do. But then my best friend and I had a fight (I got mad at him really) and so I bought more on my own, despite the fact that he asked me not to and he had always agreed to give it back to me if I needed. The second bottle I got isn't as convincing as the original one I had. I dont know if it'll work. I have never had the SN tested in either bottle. I have everything safely hidden this time.

I have things I dont hate about life. But its just too much to go on living. I dont want to live in a world with warm sun and no best friend. I texted him saying I would just fix everything by going away and he hasnt texted back. Maybe he thinks in already dead. Maybe he doesnt care.

In 20 minutes I will start the process. So many people will be sad but what the fuck do I care about them. I'm sad! I am sorry that I will cause hurt to the people I actually do care a little about. I will forever be sorry that I ever met my best friend. He would've been so much better off without me. He's been there through so much with me that I havent detailed here. I just can't do it.

I'm sorry to my cat who wont understand. I give him to my ex if possible. He will love him properly. If possible I would give my car to my roommate who doesnt have one, although I'm still paying it off so they probably can't take it… I'm sorry to my job since I do like it there. But its not worth living for. I'm sorry my best friend will never get to see me in the clothes we bought the other month. That I became so toxic that he just couldn't even respond anymore.

I need this to end. Its only ten minutes now. Then I will count down my hour. Who knows if it'll work. Part of me hopes it doesnt. Part of me hopes it does. My desired outcome would be my best friend not hating me and showing up and giving me a hug and tell me he cares about me. But that is not reality. Reality is that I am a horrible screwed up person who doesnt want to live and hurt everyone she loves. Worse still that she doesnt love nearly half the people that love her. Couldn't care less how my family will feel. Which will be awful but they are such a non factor in my emotional state. My mom would call me selfish. I am. I am selfish. Thats all I know how to be. And to save the world from myself I will remove myself from it. God I hope my ex doesnt see this or in doomed. I'm so alone but I know I cause myself to be alone. I havent eaten anything all day so I hope this doesnt go wrong… I dont want to wake up to reality anymore…

Dont even know if anyone will see this. Took some aleeve 20 minutes ago and some motilium and the anti em that starts with a P about 10 minutes ago. Timing is a little off because I take too long to type… will take the Tagamet in 5 minutes.

I kind of just want to call my friend…but also I feel like I shouldnt. (_ _) where's the line between support and toxicity… between manipulation and genuinely needing help?

I just want him to say he cares about me and means it… he's done it before… but what kind of horrible person puts someone in this situation in the middle of an attempt… someone who would be better off dying from it than being saved thats who…

 

[nobodyspecial]

I'm sorry you're so alone in this moment. I'm sorry you're hurting as much as you are. I hope you find peace however you need to.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I'm sorry you're so alone in this moment. I'm sorry you're hurting as much as you are. I hope you find peace however you need to.

Thank you. Honestly I dont know how I feel. I'm just too sad but I feel worse every time I try to stay alive. I make things worse. If I were dead things would be better for everyone, even if they dont understand. I dont know what will happen.

 

[nobodyspecial]

Thank you. Honestly I dont know how I feel. I'm just too sad but I feel worse every time I try to stay alive. I make things worse. If I were dead things would be better for everyone, even if they dont understand. I dont know what will happen.

You're definitely not alone in those thoughts. I feel much of the same way in my situation. My thoughts are with you as you navigate through all of this.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

You're definitely not alone in those thoughts. I feel much of the same way in my situation. My thoughts are with you as you navigate through all of this.

Thank you for being here. Talking to someone makes me feel a little less insane.

I am worried, as the SN I have isn't dissolving. I really didnt like the second bottle I bought. But this is my first time opening it. I am scared. I hate myself so much. I don't really see a way out of this situation at all… I dont know what to do with these feelings. Its why my best friend isn't even responding to my texts anymore. But without him everything is so much worse… for me anyways. For him its probably a relief… *curl*

5 more minutes…

What'll I do if it doesnt work… definitely take off work tomorrow probably. Even to get my old SN ill need to ask my friend… I just wish he was here…
But relying on someone to keep you from killing your self is considered abusive behavior. So how can I even justify going back to him… I feel like a piece of shit…

Alright… I'm going to try and drink this now… its not dissolved…so idk what will happen =( I did bring a bowl with me in my room that way I wont have to see my roommates… idk what will happen tho…

The taste is worse than I thought…idk if I can drink this… *curl* I feel like I'm not even trying hard enough…

oh but I can't leave this cup out here. I can't let my cat drink this on accident…

Am I really even suicidal… I'm just a fake at everything… if I can't do this after I put in all my effort… at this rate I wont even throw up because I havent even really drank anything. I always fail with my attempts… idk if I can even call them attempts. I have never even almost died… ever…

 

[nobodyspecial]

Thank you for being here. Talking to someone makes me feel a little less insane.

I am worried, as the SN I have isn't dissolving. I really didnt like the second bottle I bought. But this is my first time opening it. I am scared. I hate myself so much. I don't really see a way out of this situation at all… I dont know what to do with these feelings. Its why my best friend isn't even responding to my texts anymore. But without him everything is so much worse… for me anyways. For him its probably a relief… *curl*

5 more minutes…

What'll I do if it doesnt work… definitely take off work tomorrow probably. Even to get my old SN ill need to ask my friend… I just wish he was here…
But relying on someone to keep you from killing your self is considered abusive behavior. So how can I even justify going back to him… I feel like a piece of shit…

Alright… I'm going to try and drink this now… its not dissolved…so idk what will happen =( I did bring a bowl with me in my room that way I wont have to see my roommates… idk what will happen tho…

The taste is worse than I thought…idk if I can drink this… *curl* I feel like I'm not even trying hard enough…

oh but I can't leave this cup out here. I can't let my cat drink this on accident…

Am I really even suicidal… I'm just a fake at everything… if I can't do this after I put in all my effort… at this rate I wont even throw up because I havent even really drank anything. I always fail with my attempts… idk if I can even call them attempts. I have never even almost died… ever…

Feel free to reach out tomorrow if you're still with us. If tonight's it, I hope peace awaits you on the other side.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Feel free to reach out tomorrow if you're still with us. If tonight's it, I hope peace awaits you on the other side.

<3 I'm glad you are here. I'm still sad and still crying but I probably can't bring myself to chug the very salty drink tonight… I'm not feeling any side effects from what I did swallow so I probably didnt take enough.

I'm sorry to be such the mess that I am. I will definitely reach out tomorrow if I have a tomorrow. I'm scared though. I really dont believe I should be alive. I wish I could have peace in this life. I wish you could have peace in this life. I wish everyone could. I wish assisted suicide was available to people like me… I only have mental problems but to me they are too much. *curl* I was kind of thinking maybe this time I could do it… how can I even prove I'm feeling this way if I can't even try properly…

 

[nobodyspecial]

If you need someone to chat with more I'm here. My sleep schedule is all messed up anyway.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

If you need someone to chat with more I'm here. My sleep schedule is all messed up anyway.

I probably will. I ended up dumping the rest of the drink down the sink. I didnt want my cat to drink it and die…

now I'm wondering if I should still call off work. I dont even feel like I deserve to… I know I'm just talking a lot about myself…(its my specialty), but if you wanna talk about you please do.

 

[nobodyspecial]

I probably will. I ended up dumping the rest of the drink down the sink. I didnt want my cat to drink it and die…

now I'm wondering if I should still call off work. I dont even feel like I deserve to… I know I'm just talking a lot about myself…(its my specialty), but if you wanna talk about you please do.

It's fine. You're having a tough night to say the least so I'm just hear to lend an ear and do what I can to help you through it.

I will share a little though. I've struggled with PTSD from my military service for over a decade now and thought I had a handle on it somewhat well until this year started. Then I was basically punched in the mouth with everything and here I am. Wondering what my reason for existence is as well.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

All of my suicide attempts have been this half hearted bs. This is my first time trying SN. Maybe my mom is right and I just love the drama. Can't die cuz then there'd be no one to pity me.

I have a therapy Appt tomorrow but I don't feel like I can bring this up without being hospitalized… which in absolutely cannot do and refuse to…

 

[nobodyspecial]

All of my suicide attempts have been this half hearted bs. This is my first time trying SN. Maybe my mom is right and I just love the drama. Can't die cuz then there'd be no one to pity me.

I have a therapy Appt tomorrow but I don't feel like I can bring this up without being hospitalized… which in absolutely cannot do and refuse to…

Yeah, I wouldn't bring it up directly in therapy either. Maybe just tell your therapist you've been struggling more than usual? Ease around it. I wouldn't want to be hospitalized either so I definitely understand your reasoning.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

It's fine. You're having a tough night to say the least so I'm just hear to lend an ear and do what I can to help you through it.

I will share a little though. I've struggled with PTSD from my military service for over a decade now and thought I had a handle on it somewhat well until this year started. Then I was basically punched in the mouth with everything and here I am. Wondering what my reason for existence is as well.

PTSD sucks. I have never been officially diagnosed, and probably can't be anymore. But there was a time where I would get flashbacks and melt downs often. I always felt like they weren't as serious as the condition could get, so I really feel for people who experience it or things worse than that.

In sorry you have to deal with that. Thank you for your service at least. Even if your from somewhere else. Even if you didn't want to go. Its still a thing you did and its not fair that some things have horrible side effects. Trauma is the worst…

Yeah, I wouldn't bring it up directly in therapy either. Maybe just tell your therapist you've been struggling more than usual? Ease around it. I wouldn't want to be hospitalized either so I definitely understand your reasoning.

I've told her straight up that I will not say anything that will get me hospitalized. And I have a problem with lying so easily so I can't just make stuff up either. I think because I hedge around the issue and kind of make it obvious I'm not telling the truth when I say "I have no plans" they know that I probably do but legally they can't do anything about it.

I'm so afraid of being separated from everything I know and then isolated from everyone. On top of that I'm afraid of who all would find out. Very few people know I feel this way. Really only two people. Although my parents have probably found out somehow but they at least have never said anything to me directly. Not that their opinions or care matter much to me…

 

[nobodyspecial]

PTSD sucks. I have never been officially diagnosed, and probably can't be anymore. But there was a time where I would get flashbacks and melt downs often. I always felt like they weren't as serious as the condition could get, so I really feel for people who experience it or things worse than that.

In sorry you have to deal with that. Thank you for your service at least. Even if your from somewhere else. Even if you didn't want to go. Its still a thing you did and its not fair that some things have horrible side effects. Trauma is the worst…

Thanks, I appreciate it. I went willingly so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into. Still struggle with nightmares almost every night which is as horrible as you can imagine and the PTSD in general has ruined so many other aspects of my life. It's like I have a monster within of sorts that I can't control.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Thanks, I appreciate it. I went willingly so I kind of knew what I was getting myself into. Still struggle with nightmares almost every night which is as horrible as you can imagine and the PTSD in general has ruined so many other aspects of my life. It's like I have a monster within of sorts that I can't control.

Nightmares are the worst. I've definitely never had ptsd nightmares continuously, although I have had nightmare strings before unrelated. I can only imagine how awful that is. It messes up your sleep, your mood, your mind. Your emotions.

I can understand the monster thing. I hope I'm not demeaning you by talking about myself. I know that people tend to not like that and I probably have an issue with it, but I dont meant to offend or take away from you. Or show anyone up. Just relate in the way I can. I feel like my mind or emotions are my monster. I can't control how I feel and I feel so detached and yet so desperate that I feel actually insane. Like I cant regulate myself at all…

 

[nobodyspecial]

Nightmares are the worst. I've definitely never had ptsd nightmares continuously, although I have had nightmare strings before unrelated. I can only imagine how awful that is. It messes up your sleep, your mood, your mind. Your emotions.

I can understand the monster thing. I hope I'm not demeaning you by talking about myself. I know that people tend to not like that and I probably have an issue with it, but I dont meant to offend or take away from you. Or show anyone up. Just relate in the way I can. I feel like my mind or emotions are my monster. I can't control how I feel and I feel so detached and yet so desperate that I feel actually insane. Like I cant regulate myself at all…

Nothing to worry about in demeaning or anything. You're alright. And you're right, the constant nightmares on my end messes with every other aspect of my life: mood, sleep, relationships, emotions. All of it. I've basically pushed everyone away at this point because I don't see myself recovering from this round of it and want everyone away from me so I don't hurt them. I can be fine one minute and the next it's a totally different person. I don't like it at all.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Nothing to worry about in demeaning or anything. You're alright. And you're right, the constant nightmares on my end messes with every other aspect of my life: mood, sleep, relationships, emotions. All of it. I've basically pushed everyone away at this point because I don't see myself recovering from this round of it and want everyone away from me so I don't hurt them. I can be fine one minute and the next it's a totally different person. I don't like it at all.

I feel that! Not in the same way but with my emotions. Its like - you want the people around to support you. But also you can go from normal to psycho in very little time so you dont really want those people around because you dont want them to get hurt. Or worse resent you. Its a lose lose situation. Thats why I think assisted suicide should be legal. For those of us who can't get better and dont want to hurt anyone else, what are our alternatives? Until science gets to the point where they can completely reword my brain and fundamentally change who I am, I can't do much but survive at the most basic level…

I am falling asleep. Gonna text my boss and take a Me day. I have been slacking in my work lately anyways, so I will appreciate the time. I hope you are able to have a dreamless sleep (haha but still possible).

thank you so much for commenting on my post. I really needed someone tonight. Regardless of the outcome. <3 I'm not on here often anymore, but feel free to pm me if you ever need anything. Otherwise I hope you also find peace eventually.

 

[nobodyspecial]

I feel that! Not in the same way but with my emotions. Its like - you want the people around to support you. But also you can go from normal to psycho in very little time so you dont really want those people around because you dont want them to get hurt. Or worse resent you. Its a lose lose situation. Thats why I think assisted suicide should be legal. For those of us who can't get better and dont want to hurt anyone else, what are our alternatives? Until science gets to the point where they can completely reword my brain and fundamentally change who I am, I can't do much but survive at the most basic level…

I agree with you on the assisted suicide idea. It should be legal and set up similarly like they have blood donation centers stateside. Let people who want to go out with dignity go out that way. I've tried numerous therapists to no avail. Meds, I'm kind of skeptical about because I want to be fixed but not be myself because of it. Make sense?

And I get what you're saying about the people around wanting to support you. Lost some good people because of my moods and all. It hurts, but I feel like for me at least, it's necessary.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I agree with you on the assisted suicide idea. It should be legal and set up similarly like they have blood donation centers stateside. Let people who want to go out with dignity go out that way. I've tried numerous therapists to no avail. Meds, I'm kind of skeptical about because I want to be fixed but not be myself because of it. Make sense?

And I get what you're saying about the people around wanting to support you. Lost some good people because of my moods and all. It hurts, but I feel like for me at least, it's necessary.

Yeah. I'm supposed to be on meds right now, but honestly I feel like I have the opposite problem. I just dont feel differently at all. I've tried three different ones, and the first one I stopped due to side effects and just not being able to continue. I've recently just given up on the other two because there are zero effects at all.

it is necessary, and thats what makes it horrible.

 

[nobodyspecial]

Yeah. I'm supposed to be on meds right now, but honestly I feel like I have the opposite problem. I just dont feel differently at all. I've tried three different ones, and the first one I stopped due to side effects and just not being able to continue. I've recently just given up on the other two because there are zero effects at all.

it is necessary, and thats what makes it horrible.

You doing any "better" today or still feeling the effects from last night?

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

You doing any "better" today or still feeling the effects from last night?

Physically I'm just tired. Emotionally not doing any better. Just got off the phone with my therapist. I dont know how to tell her that I dont feel like anything will help if I dont have my friend. Things are moving very fast and I feel very alone. I kind of want to just try again tonight and make sure I do it better…

Physically I'm just tired. Emotionally not doing any better. Just got off the phone with my therapist. I dont know how to tell her that I dont feel like anything will help if I dont have my friend. Things are moving very fast and I feel very alone. I kind of want to just try again tonight and make sure I do it better…

Or maybe I should just try right now. Its a little risky with my roommates but honestly I'm not feeling any more hopeful about anything. Despite all the treatment I'm being put in and all the support I'm getting, none of it really feels like it matters. What's the point of getting better if I'm still gonna feel like this…

Physically I'm just tired. Emotionally not doing any better. Just got off the phone with my therapist. I dont know how to tell her that I dont feel like anything will help if I dont have my friend. Things are moving very fast and I feel very alone. I kind of want to just try again tonight and make sure I do it better…

Or maybe I should just try right now. Its a little risky with my roommates but honestly I'm not feeling any more hopeful about anything. Despite all the treatment I'm being put in and all the support I'm getting, none of it really feels like it matters. What's the point of getting better if I'm still gonna feel like this…

Honestly, im just making things worse. I can't tell my therapist the reason why for lots of things which makes her job difficult. Why am I even in therapy if I wont cooperate and dont think it'll help. I'm just wasting her time…

Physically I'm just tired. Emotionally not doing any better. Just got off the phone with my therapist. I dont know how to tell her that I dont feel like anything will help if I dont have my friend. Things are moving very fast and I feel very alone. I kind of want to just try again tonight and make sure I do it better…

Or maybe I should just try right now. Its a little risky with my roommates but honestly I'm not feeling any more hopeful about anything. Despite all the treatment I'm being put in and all the support I'm getting, none of it really feels like it matters. What's the point of getting better if I'm still gonna feel like this…

Honestly, im just making things worse. I can't tell my therapist the reason why for lots of things which makes her job difficult. Why am I even in therapy if I wont cooperate and dont think it'll help. I'm just wasting her time…

At this rate I'm just going to end up lying about doing everything she wants me to do… I really just dont see the purpose in getting better or staying alive if the one person who helped me through that is gone. I dont want to find someone else. I dont want to move on. I want him. And no hospital stay or meds or dieticians or baths or other friends are going to fix that. I know I'm just being selfish and entitled. Thats why I should just die in the first place…

 

[nobodyspecial]

Physically I'm just tired. Emotionally not doing any better. Just got off the phone with my therapist. I dont know how to tell her that I dont feel like anything will help if I dont have my friend. Things are moving very fast and I feel very alone. I kind of want to just try again tonight and make sure I do it better…

Or maybe I should just try right now. Its a little risky with my roommates but honestly I'm not feeling any more hopeful about anything. Despite all the treatment I'm being put in and all the support I'm getting, none of it really feels like it matters. What's the point of getting better if I'm still gonna feel like this…

Honestly, im just making things worse. I can't tell my therapist the reason why for lots of things which makes her job difficult. Why am I even in therapy if I wont cooperate and dont think it'll help. I'm just wasting her time…

At this rate I'm just going to end up lying about doing everything she wants me to do… I really just dont see the purpose in getting better or staying alive if the one person who helped me through that is gone. I dont want to find someone else. I dont want to move on. I want him. And no hospital stay or meds or dieticians or baths or other friends are going to fix that. I know I'm just being selfish and entitled. Thats why I should just die in the first place…

I understand your feelings of frustration, despair, and hopelessness. I woke up today in extreme pain and this week is very difficult for me due to a lack of someone not being around anymore either. I'm not sure where that will lead me, but last night I tried some dry runs to get the survival instinct lowered so we'll see. Therapy has never felt like it's helped for me. It always feels like the same recycled BS they all say and it's frustrating.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I understand your feelings of frustration, despair, and hopelessness. I woke up today in extreme pain and this week is very difficult for me due to a lack of someone not being around anymore either. I'm not sure where that will lead me, but last night I tried some dry runs to get the survival instinct lowered so we'll see. Therapy has never felt like it's helped for me. It always feels like the same recycled BS they all say and it's frustrating.

I hope you find peace from the pain. Its something about July for me… or maybe its just coincidence… they keep telling me I must want to get better if I'm in therapy. But is that true? Can't I just be doing it to prove it doesnt work? I dont know why I'm therapy really… I used to go back and forth on if it would work and with the help of my friend I got in. But it seems…well life just seems hopeless. I hope you are able to help yourself a little. People put too much value on life…

 

[nobodyspecial]

Yeah I get the same when I reach out for help with the "you must want to get better" BS. There comes a point where some are beyond repair — if repair is even possible — and I'm definitely past that point.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Yeah I get the same when I reach out for help with the "you must want to get better" BS. There comes a point where some are beyond repair — if repair is even possible — and I'm definitely past that point.

I feel the same way. I always tell people that I would've had to been fixed way before I ever knew there was a problem. People ask me questions like I'm hopeful for the future or something. I left that a long time ago. I'm so past the point of hoping things would change, trying to do better, actually caring about what I do… I have no motivation or will to actually pick myself up and try again. Its like these people think that you can't be…sad or depressed or anything without actually wanting to get better.

I see posts on Reddit like "I'm suicidal and it scares me". Yeah when I was first like that it scared me too. But it gets to a point where you shift from suicidal and wanting to live and just plain old wanting everything to be over. Yeah sure if someone could wave a magic wand I would love to be better and feel better. But they dont exist. I have to do all the work and its too much for myself. I have nothing to live for. I have nothing to look forward to. And the things I used to enjoy have become chores and I lack the energy and will and motivation to even touch them.

 

[nobodyspecial]

I feel the same way. I always tell people that I would've had to been fixed way before I ever knew there was a problem. People ask me questions like I'm hopeful for the future or something. I left that a long time ago. I'm so past the point of hoping things would change, trying to do better, actually caring about what I do… I have no motivation or will to actually pick myself up and try again. Its like these people think that you can't be…sad or depressed or anything without actually wanting to get better.

I see posts on Reddit like "I'm suicidal and it scares me". Yeah when I was first like that it scared me too. But it gets to a point where you shift from suicidal and wanting to live and just plain old wanting everything to be over. Yeah sure if someone could wave a magic wand I would love to be better and feel better. But they dont exist. I have to do all the work and its too much for myself. I have nothing to live for. I have nothing to look forward to. And the things I used to enjoy have become chores and I lack the energy and will and motivation to even touch them.

I know we've traveled different paths to get here but it's a little remarkable how similar we are in the outlook of everything.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I know we've traveled different paths to get here but it's a little remarkable how similar we are in the outlook of everything.

Its true. I think thats generally what people are trying to say when they say "you're not the only one who feels that way". But to me, there isn't a lot of comfort in others feeling this way. Its sad. And even worse is that because we all come from different paths, the road to recovery is different for everyone.

I will never know what its like to be in the military. We can never know what its like to be each other. I dont know where I'm going with this. I'm feeling very sad and despondent right now. Very much feeling like I wont be able to kill myself, and that as a result people will think I dont mean it. I'm probably super abusive in my behavior. Its amazing how many people just want "bad" people to be better instead of just killing them. Seems like we could save a lot of people by just…removing people like me from society… I dont deserve to be here and I can't function properly anyways…

 

[nobodyspecial]

Its true. I think thats generally what people are trying to say when they say "you're not the only one who feels that way". But to me, there isn't a lot of comfort in others feeling this way. Its sad. And even worse is that because we all come from different paths, the road to recovery is different for everyone.

I will never know what its like to be in the military. We can never know what its like to be each other. I dont know where I'm going with this. I'm feeling very sad and despondent right now. Very much feeling like I wont be able to kill myself, and that as a result people will think I dont mean it. I'm probably super abusive in my behavior. Its amazing how many people just want "bad" people to be better instead of just killing them. Seems like we could save a lot of people by just…removing people like me from society… I dont deserve to be here and I can't function properly anyways…

I'm sorry that you feel that way but totally understand because I've had similar thoughts about myself.