Don't feel safe -- Go to the hospital or to jail?

[HopeDiesLast]

It's not my time to CTB yet. I still have to get my affairs in order, and I don't want to hurt my family.

That being said, I am in a REALLY dark place right now, and the urge to take my SN is overwhelming. I feel like I need to be somewhere safe where I can't harm myself. The problem is that I cannot afford to go to the hospital. Health care (especially hospitalization) is ridiculously expensive where I am, and my insurance would only cover a portion of it. I'm thinking the only other "safe" place is jail, so I'm considering committing a crime just to get locked up. If I tell them I'm suicidal, they'll probably just put me in segregation and I'll hopefully get the break I need. I'm trying to figure out a crime that's serious enough to get me locked up, but not so bad that I'll be stuck there for a long time. I definitely don't want to do anything violent, and I really don't want to cause any serious damage to anyone. Anybody have any ideas?

ETA: In my desperation I tried the suicide chatline (never used it before). It said there are 42 people ahead of me. Lol.

 

[Donk]

can you call the cops and tell them you are suicidal?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The problem is that anyone who recommends a crime is abetting it if you follow through.

What about hanging out in a chat room here?

 

[nitrogen]

It seems that prison food is nasty. They use meat unfit for human consumption.

If You’ve Ever Wondered What Types Of Food Inmates Eat In Prison, You Need To Read This Right Now

Boxes of meat were labeled “NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.” This is probably the only place where you will see that label; regardless, the food would end up on the serving line.

thoughtcatalog.com

Prison Food Is Making U.S. Inmates Disproportionately Sick

Lapses in food safety have made American prisoners six times more likely to get a foodborne illness than the general population.

www.theatlantic.com

And the inmates try to have sex with all sorts of random objects, might even include sexy potatoes. @Underscore

I know in the US, hospital bills can be negotiated. There are nonprofits that offer such services for free. For example this:

California Medical Billing Advocates - Negotiate Hospital Bills

California Medical Billing Advocates is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that helps to negotiate or dispute medical bills before they become crippling debt. Services are 100% free as we operate entirely on donations. We help with most types of medical bills, including surprise medical bills.

www.calmba.org

 

[HopeDiesLast]

can you call the cops and tell them you are suicidal?

I wish. But they would just call an ambulance and have me taken to the hospital, using force if need be,...and then I'd again be stuck with thousands of dollars in medical bills...which is what I'm trying to avoid. :(

 

[Anon2662]

I really understand the internal battle when all you want to do is to end it, but you know it's not the right time. I think just the fact that you acknowledge that you need a safe place is such a brave thing!
i can't imagine wanting the help but money standing in the way (I live in the UK) it's awful that you're in a position that you're contemplating crime just to get help :( I honestly don't know what to suggest because my opinion is that most crimes aren't victimless (some indirectly affect others) and I'm not sure on laws etc in other countries.. plus wouldn't you getting put in jail upset your family? Maybe call the hotline again if you feel it would help you, and stick around on here until you get through?

 

[HopeDiesLast]

It seems that prison food is nasty. They use meat unfit for human consumption.

I heard that some places serve something called "nutraloaf". Disgusting brick of who-knows-what, but it apparently meets nutritional requirements. But honestly, the food would be the least of my worries.

And the inmates try to have sex with all sorts of random objects, might even include sexy potatoes. @Underscore

As long as they have sex with objects (including root vegetables) I'd be okay with that. Being sexually assaulted is definitely a major concern though. :(

I know in the US, hospital bills can be negotiated.

Oh yeah. Been there, done that. When I was hospitalized with a ruptured appendix and sepsis they were "generous" enough to set up a payment plan of $260 per month for the next decade or so. Alternatively, they would have given me a 10% discount if I paid the whole bill in full. Lol.

 

[tryingtoescape]

The suicidal chatline operators tend to take a longer time to respond than the phone operators. Could you try calling? You may be put on hold for a couple minutes but it isn't nearly as long a wait as the chatline.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

The suicidal chatline operators tend to take a longer time to respond than the phone operators. Could you try calling? You may be put on hold for a couple minutes but it isn't nearly as long a wait as the chatline.

I'm a bit reluctant to call the hotline because I could be identified very easily. The chatline seems to have a bit more anonymity, or at least it would require a lot more time/effort for the police to track me down if they were so inclined. If they did, I'd be right back to square one -- an expensive trip to the hospital.

Unless I did something crazy when the cops showed up. Like spit on them and claim I have coronavirus (I don't, to my knowledge, but who knows). They charge you with aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer. That would probably get me locked up quick...but it might end up being a much longer stay than intended. I'm hoping for a week or so...not years. Ugh.

ETA: I'm sorry. The whole idea is idiotic. Too many variables and potentially negative outcome.
Hopefully I'll be back to my "normal" apathy tomorrow where I don't even care enough to think about CTB...or how to avoid it.

 

[Never Free]

It's not my time to CTB yet. I still have to get my affairs in order, and I don't want to hurt my family.

That being said, I am in a REALLY dark place right now, and the urge to take my SN is overwhelming. I feel like I need to be somewhere safe where I can't harm myself. The problem is that I cannot afford to go to the hospital. Health care (especially hospitalization) is ridiculously expensive where I am, and my insurance would only cover a portion of it. I'm thinking the only other "safe" place is jail, so I'm considering committing a crime just to get locked up. If I tell them I'm suicidal, they'll probably just put me in segregation and I'll hopefully get the break I need. I'm trying to figure out a crime that's serious enough to get me locked up, but not so bad that I'll be stuck there for a long time. I definitely don't want to do anything violent, and I really don't want to cause any serious damage to anyone. Anybody have any ideas?

ETA: In my desperation I tried the suicide chatline (never used it before). It said there are 42 people ahead of me. Lol.

Hope you're doing better! If not do you know about suicide safe houses. Thought of it for myself. Mostly, because I just can't resist the urge and I don't want to end up at a psych ward. Just found a 12 step for suicide. Think it may even be an option if it weren't for my current awful state from my current path to CTB

 

[autumnal]

Trust me, no matter how bad things might seem right now, nothing is worse than prison.
Don't do it.

The problem is that anyone who recommends a crime is abetting it if you follow through.
[...]

I really can't see authorities going after a person on the internet who, in general terms only, suggests the kinds of crimes that might fit certain punishments.

I wish. But they would just call an ambulance and have me taken to the hospital, using force if need be,...and then I'd again be stuck with thousands of dollars in medical bills...which is what I'm trying to avoid. :(

If you're going to suicide anyway, what is your concern about the medical bills?

 

[Never Free]

If you're going to suicide anyway, what is your concern about the medical bills?

Maybe family members inheriting debt?

 

[one4all]

@HopeDiesLast

I'm going at this in a very illogical way.
A minor crime where i live, might not be that minor of a crime where you live. So even if i wanted to mention something, it doesn't mean the results could be the same for the you.
I have no idea what the prison system is like where you live. Prison is not fun nor a place to try and get a break from life, even if you think you may be able to get segregated. Are you really willing to take that chance?
If you really want to go this route i would suggest checking the penal laws where you reside and see what might work for you.

I'm sorry for being a heartless bastard.. i am what i am.
Either way i do hope you find peace in your life.

 

[enjolras]

If you choose prison, just make it worthwhile to be eligible for capital punishment. It's that awful. Ok, I'm out

It's a rare find, but there are occasionally religiously governed independent hospices (not talking about sects, but christian etc, ahem) who welcome people in distress, who got lost in their life for a brief moment, allowing them to recover during the necessary time it takes (indefinitely).
Against the trade-off of a mandatory morning prayer, you're served food, offered shelter, and distraction/activities, granted an individual room for your privacy, against a minimal monthly fee that helps to cover the most basic expenses.
Participating a couple hours at group work (like gardening, cooking) is generally encouraged as part of the therapeutical effort, but remains optional freely if you don't feel like it or until you don't have the strength anymore. You will be around other like minded souls, who got their roots accidentally hurt (not automatically sick or criminals), if there's a need for mental support preventing isolation, all "managed" around tolerance and mutual understanding principles. Some feeling at ease with the conditions choose to stay forever.

It's not a perfect solution but can be a much more sane environnement than social services (and jail) where all kind of wandering people with instability are found, just because the people there are usually in better shape with a goal to get back on track (for reinsertion) at their pace. All in all, it's a more volunteering atmosphere based on good will than "out of necessity".
Even if atheist, I found out that the orientation does not have to be pushy about indoctrination 24/24 behind your back, more like the compassionate socially sensitive type. Still, most of the daily relationships are tied to other homed persons, so varied in essence. The small monthly payment and accessorial workforce contribution makes it a hybrid residency, freeing away from a strictly charitable bond. It's not about slavery with chains, or too much rules that would be suffered.

 

[umniak]

I for one would choose suicide I am too scared. Had N couldn't drink it; there were other reasons as well. If you go to the psychward maybe there is 5 people you have to steer clear of. For jail, you have have to watch your back at every moment. God, I wish you or me were not in this position. Feel free to msg me if you want to talk.

 

[Never Free]

I for one would choose suicide I am too scared. Had N couldn't drink it; there were other reasons as well. If you go to the psychward maybe there is 5 people you have to steer clear of. For jail, you have have to watch your back at every moment. God, I wish you or me were not in this position. Feel free to msg me if you want to talk.

Depends on the jail as well as psych ward, and that's not referring to prison workers or psych workers. Psych workers are often very abusive and in some ways less scrutinized than those that work in prison. Some underpaid disgruntled and/ or sadistic, or angry people work there. They have the guise of they're "helping people" and the potential dangers outside of the psych ward. Even deaths are brushed under the rug. Psych wards give people drugs after claiming they're allergic, and/ or ignore their medical complaints like difficulty breathing. Wait till it's beyond an emergency to get help for those poor people

 

[Oh so tired]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I understand how difficult it is, I'm battling the same at the moment. Feeling very unsafe but not in a position to ctb yet. I can hear your desperation but I'm worried that committing a crime would ultimately make things harder for you. Please feel free to message me if you want to chat.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's not my time to CTB yet. I still have to get my affairs in order, and I don't want to hurt my family.

That being said, I am in a REALLY dark place right now, and the urge to take my SN is overwhelming. I feel like I need to be somewhere safe where I can't harm myself. The problem is that I cannot afford to go to the hospital. Health care (especially hospitalization) is ridiculously expensive where I am, and my insurance would only cover a portion of it. I'm thinking the only other "safe" place is jail, so I'm considering committing a crime just to get locked up. If I tell them I'm suicidal, they'll probably just put me in segregation and I'll hopefully get the break I need. I'm trying to figure out a crime that's serious enough to get me locked up, but not so bad that I'll be stuck there for a long time. I definitely don't want to do anything violent, and I really don't want to cause any serious damage to anyone. Anybody have any ideas?

ETA: In my desperation I tried the suicide chatline (never used it before). It said there are 42 people ahead of me. Lol.

Neither option seems appealing. I hope that this passes for you soon.

 

[Tiedie]

Ive done time, do not recommend. If you want to know what it's like PM.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

Thank you for the advice, suggestions and support, everyone! I truly appreciate it.

I've given up on the whole going to jail idea. It's too much of a gamble, and it undoubtedly would make life a heck of a lot more complicated than it already is. Also, I just found out that my state has been releasing most non-violent offenders due to the coronavirus spreading in jails. And police departments throughout the state have adopted "catch and release" policies for most crimes, i.e. people get citations and court dates rather than being jailed. I'd have to commit a very serious (violent) crime to get locked up right now...and that's just not something I'd ever want to do.

Some of you mentioned some interesting options, but they don't appear to be available in my area. Of course being under stay-at-home orders and travel restrictions makes accessing help even harder. Pretty much everything is "online only" now. No group meetings, face-to-face therapy etc. Heck, you're not even allowed to go for a drive to clear your head, and public parks are closed. Very few ways to distract myself, so I'm just stuck in my own head with all my destructive thoughts.

I guess I'll be okay. I just need to resist the urge to ctb until this "phase" passes. I'm always passively suicidal...but these bouts of total despair usually come and go.

 

[idontwannadothisanym]

I want SN

 

[Never Free]

Thank you for the advice, suggestions and support, everyone! I truly appreciate it.

I've given up on the whole going to jail idea. It's too much of a gamble, and it undoubtedly would make life a heck of a lot more complicated than it already is. Also, I just found out that my state has been releasing most non-violent offenders due to the coronavirus spreading in jails. And police departments throughout the state have adopted "catch and release" policies for most crimes, i.e. people get citations and court dates rather than being jailed. I'd have to commit a very serious (violent) crime to get locked up right now...and that's just not something I'd ever want to do.

Some of you mentioned some interesting options, but they don't appear to be available in my area. Of course being under stay-at-home orders and travel restrictions makes accessing help even harder. Pretty much everything is "online only" now. No group meetings, face-to-face therapy etc. Heck, you're not even allowed to go for a drive to clear your head, and public parks are closed. Very few ways to distract myself, so I'm just stuck in my own head with all my destructive thoughts.

I guess I'll be okay. I just need to resist the urge to ctb until this "phase" passes. I'm always passively suicidal...but these bouts of total despair usually come and go.

Nice to hear you won't be in jail, but wish there was something to lessen the burden. Too stuck in my head a lot with destructive thoughts. Can be rough. Hope it passes for you soon. The urge to CTB that's unable to be acted on is dreadful. Very isolating as so many problems arise from talking about, from guilt, to fear of being stopped, and trapped under worst circumstances. That's how it is for me, and think many others. Sounds incredibly difficult to want to CTB, but feel circumstances oblige you not to. Avoiding trying have ties increasing with time, so the only thing stops me is fear of section. That being said hoping the despair will pass one final time soon, and if not then you get the peace from CTB that you can't get now

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Maybe family members inheriting debt?

Family members can refuse an estate whose liabilities exceed the value of its assets if any. That's a non existent problem. Debt collectors may try, but a middle finger salute is all they're entitled to then.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

sorts of random objects, might even include sexy potatoes. @Underscore

Eeeek!

 

[ladolcemorte]

I would say you are better off with medical bills than with a criminal record. Depending on where you live, it is likely much easier to declare bankruptcy due to debts you can't pay than it is to expunge a criminal record...

It is certainly not fun to have creditors calling and demanding money you don't have (I know, I have been there). But surely the stigma of a criminal record would be worse...

Maybe family members inheriting debt?

Double check the laws where you live to see if this is even a possibility. It might very well be a real possibility, but there are jurisdictions in which it is impossible to "inherit" someone else's debt.
(Even though the creditors may try to convince you otherwise...)

 

[Quarky00]

I also considered going to jail (even planned the crime) and I don't mind harsh conditions , but from what I figured even at the best of places it's going to cause more distress and push to ctb (which is even harder in prison) . The reason is that abuse -- basic verbal & mental abuse that is totally "legit" (legal) -- is very common .

I would say you are better off with medical bills than with a criminal record

Although true, debts can and do spiral people down . I think the majority here .

If you choose prison, just make it worthwhile to be eligible for capital punishment. It's that awful. Ok, I'm out

It's a rare find, but there are occasionally religiously governed independent hospices (not talking about sects, but christian etc, ahem) who welcome people in distress, who got lost in their life for a brief moment, allowing them to recover during the necessary time it takes (indefinitely).
Against the trade-off of a mandatory morning prayer, you're served food, offered shelter, and distraction/activities, granted an individual room for your privacy, against a minimal monthly fee that helps to cover the most basic expenses.
Participating a couple hours at group work (like gardening, cooking) is generally encouraged as part of the therapeutical effort, but remains optional freely if you don't feel like it or until you don't have the strength anymore. You will be around other like minded souls, who got their roots accidentally hurt (not automatically sick or criminals), if there's a need for mental support preventing isolation, all "managed" around tolerance and mutual understanding principles. Some feeling at ease with the conditions choose to stay forever.

It's not a perfect solution but can be a much more sane environnement than social services (and jail) where all kind of wandering people with instability are found, just because the people there are usually in better shape with a goal to get back on track (for reinsertion) at their pace. All in all, it's a more volunteering atmosphere based on good will than "out of necessity".
Even if atheist, I found out that the orientation does not have to be pushy about indoctrination 24/24 behind your back, more like the compassionate socially sensitive type. Still, most of the daily relationships are tied to other homed persons, so varied in essence. The small monthly payment and accessorial workforce contribution makes it a hybrid residency, freeing away from a strictly charitable bond. It's not about slavery with chains, or too much rules that would be suffered.

That sounds perfect to me . I'm going crazy in a private half-subsidized non-supervised crappy hostel-like sort-of-welfare-affiliated flat , which is driving me crazy . Zero privacy and 24/7 noise ( @HopeDiesLast -- I assume similar situation in hospital/prison -- not much peace of mind). I would love to give some hours of work to gain just a couple of hours of peace/privacy ... Sadly that concept isn't available here at all.

Pretty much everything is "online only" now. No group meetings, face-to-face therapy etc. Heck, you're not even allowed to go for a drive to clear your head, and public parks are closed. Very few ways to distract myself, so I'm just stuck in my own head with all my destructive thoughts.

As many people who are bed ridden as it is , or otherwise limited with their energy , time , space or resources , create new tasks for yourself. The basic problem is not what to do -- but getting out of the loop of severe despair/pain. Which is not easy at all (hence we are here;). In most places you are allowed to go outside for physical activity , so put on your earphones and go for a walk. And another one. You can walk longer distances under a pretense of buying meds etc. Surely you can step outside your house/flat .. Start cooking , start gardening , clean the house like mental (well lol) , etc ...It's really hard to start things when you're in distress and your brain is in overload, I'm aware it's easier said than done. But it's "Just Do It" time... And if you need support, maybe people around you can tell you what to do (encourage). I hate distraction per se , I think doing lots of stuff is good -- while calmly acknowledging serious suicidal thoughts and planning.

Sorry for reviving this 2 days old thread , but it really touched me , and I felt it was important

 

[HopeDiesLast]

I also considered going to jail (even planned the crime) and I don't mind harsh conditions , but from what I figured even at the best of places it's going to cause more distress and push to ctb (which is even harder in prison) . The reason is that abuse -- basic verbal & mental abuse that is totally "legit" (legal) -- is very common .

As many people who are bed ridden as it is , or otherwise limited with their energy , time , space or resources , create new tasks for yourself. The basic problem is not what to do -- but getting out of the loop of severe despair/pain. Which is not easy at all (hence we are here;). In most places you are allowed to go outside for physical activity , so put on your earphones and go for a walk. And another one. You can walk longer distances under a pretense of buying meds etc. Surely you can step outside your house/flat .. Start cooking , start gardening , clean the house like mental (well lol) , etc ...It's really hard to start things when you're in distress and your brain is in overload, I'm aware it's easier said than done. But it's "Just Do It" time... And if you need support, maybe people around you can tell you what to do (encourage). I hate distraction per se , I think doing lots of stuff is good -- while calmly acknowledging serious suicidal thoughts and planning.

Sorry for reviving this 2 days old thread , but it really touched me , and I felt it was important

Thanks for the kind and uplifting words, @Quarky00 !

Keeping busy definitely helps. I do work a full time job (currently from home), and there's always tons of work around the house and yard to do. But towards the end of the day I'm usually too tired to do anything worthwhile. I can't even focus on a TV show, and my mind goes wandering. When I go outside with my dogs to get fresh air I look up at the sky, and the unknown darkness puts me in a dark/heavy mood. Once the suicidal thoughts start it's difficult to stop. I'm usually pretty good at calming myself down...but once in a while it would be a relief to have someone else be responsible for keeping me alive. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but sometimes I just want to exist and not worry about harming myself (because that option has been taken away from me).

 

[Quarky00]

When I go outside with my dogs to get fresh air I look up at the sky, and the unknown darkness puts me in a dark/heavy mood.

Do daylight? ;) Things are happening around , birds trees dogs all that crap , can be distracted and mindful , and it's also good for melatonin-cortisol-circadian circuits . 'Staring at the abyss' etc is a problem .. Yeah, dogs needs a walk out at evening , and you are still left with darkness when at home, even without the skies. That late night experience at home can be turned into something comfy & pleasant perhaps.

I'm usually pretty good at calming myself down...but once in a while it would be a relief to have someone else be responsible for keeping me alive. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but sometimes I just want to exist and not worry about harming myself (because that option has been taken away from me).

I totally get it . Maybe that is possible with a close friend or a family member , just letting go of that self-calming burden , allow the suicidal thoughts , and put yourself in a pre-arranged agreed upon "suicide watch" . I don't know how that would work for you , perhaps feeling suicidal , starting to plan , and then share with that 'watcher'. I know it's tiresome in itself , that tedious suicidal conversation with others , many have been through this too many times .. but perhaps it will elevate things for a couple of days . From what I've seen around you're very strong , resilient , active , capable and responsible . Sometimes it's so excruciating to be that person all the time .... Need something to take the edge off , and I don't mean alcohol .. Maybe indulge yourself .. I don't know if any of that works for you , just brainstorming.

I get that there are no solutions there -- I can have a nice hot bath but I would still possibly think of myself dead while in it ;) Sitting in front of the fireplace (if I had one) etc... lol . It never ends .

 

[Oh so tired]

Thanks for the kind and uplifting words, @Quarky00 !

Keeping busy definitely helps. I do work a full time job (currently from home), and there's always tons of work around the house and yard to do. But towards the end of the day I'm usually too tired to do anything worthwhile. I can't even focus on a TV show, and my mind goes wandering. When I go outside with my dogs to get fresh air I look up at the sky, and the unknown darkness puts me in a dark/heavy mood. Once the suicidal thoughts start it's difficult to stop. I'm usually pretty good at calming myself down...but once in a while it would be a relief to have someone else be responsible for keeping me alive. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but sometimes I just want to exist and not worry about harming myself (because that option has been taken away from me).

Hi OP, had to reply as what you describe sounds so familiar to me. Wanting (in a way) someone else to take responsibility for keeping you safe, to take away the option of hurting yourself. I had a hospital stay a while ago and was on 1:1 observation throughout my stay, though I hated it at the time I now weirdly wish to be back there, where I was safe, and thoughts were just thoughts without the option of acting upon them. It is such a responsibility, keeping yourself safe. The weight of constant suicidal urges and the internal battle whether or not to act upon them is exhausting. I don't have advice as I'm struggling to deal with this too but i do feel your pain and I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are brave to share your thoughts.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Suicide watch in British jail is hell.
Also, just because you have a death wish, doesn't make prison any easier. People will still find your weaknesses and exploit them. It's awful but that's the way it is... I hate what you're going through as I've been there and actually wore this t-shirt, but this is not a productive option to 'get your affairs in order'.