Venting DONT FALL IN LOVE JUST DONT DONT DONT DONT.

[raindrops]

i miss him so much
i know deep down i should be stronger, more focused. i cant focus on anything. nothing feels real and i dont feel mentally able to take on the world

15 years...15 years just fucking gone
half of my entire life with someone, my first love, my childhood sweetheart.
the person who knew everything about me from the tiniest details, same for me with him, of course
i cant stop crying and thinking how therapy will not and cannot work. how will it?
because the last time i heard therapy only works when you put in the work because you want to feel better.

i want to feel better.

only when i have dementia would i feel better.

or maybe one of those things from men in black that make you forget everything.

its been 6 months
he left 10 days before christmas because im a horrible person when i get mad, i had my reasons but i wish i never was the way i was with him.

please dear universe fix this.
fix this.

(sorry i edited)
I CANNOT LOVE AGAIN
TO LEARN SOMEONE!
love is so beautiful, its amazing but is it amazing to have sex with a man who has fucked multiple other women? PLEASE DONT TAKE OFFENCE HERE. How do you look at that man and think wow this is so special. it makes me want to throw up, idc if i meet someone and they have already had sex and so have i, its ruined, nothing is special, nothing is TRUE love because every day i would look at that man and know he fucked someone else....when he didnt even know me but thats not my point. i want to die. no therapy can heal this. it takes so long to decide, to die or not to die.
my heart cries.
what is it like to move on from someone youve been with for 15 years and only had sex with?

 

[bed]

I'm so sorry that the love of your life left. maybe you can try and have another conversation with them and ask what needs to be changed so it can work out.. 15 years is a long time to be together for it to just end.
i still think about my long term past relationship as well. some days it breaks me still.

 

[raindrops]

I'm so sorry that the love of your life left. maybe you can try and have another conversation with them and ask what needs to be changed so it can work out.. 15 years is a long time to be together for it to just end.
i still think about my long term past relationship as well. some days it breaks me still.

you are so strong i hope you know it. you dont have to read my long dreary reply but its helping me by just typing it.

i try message...i have to stop myself most days...the longest ive gone is probably 2 weeks
i just send songs or funny videos
not love songs thats just cringe lol... just music i havent anyone else to share with tbh...well not rn anyway, i suppose.

he just reacts to the message, sometimes replies but it is very blunt, like a stranger.
you know he did things many others would walk away from and i didnt, i just got more and more bitter every day.
i dont think he could take the way i would bring up the past anymore and turn into a immature monster when things weren't emotionally or materialistically going my way. i am ashamed but i said i was ashamed in lockdown, thats right he left in lockdown because i was that bad. it took so long to reconciliate everything and feel welcome with his family again. please dont assume we were "that couple" no one ever was informed about our arguments or whatever, everyone knew us as one, everyone thought we were great but we werent.

and this time it feels for good, you know.
i sound immature but hes mature and kind and loving and as for myself im immature and unforgiving, selfish, damaged pos.

 

[bed]

you are so strong i hope you know it. you dont have to read my long dreary reply but its helping me by just typing it.

i try message...i have to stop myself most days...the longest ive gone is probably 2 weeks
i just send songs or funny videos
not love songs thats just cringe lol... just music i havent anyone else to share with tbh...well not rn anyway, i suppose.

he just reacts to the message, sometimes replies but it is very blunt, like a stranger.
you know he did things many others would walk away from and i didnt, i just got more and more bitter every day.
i dont think he could take the way i would bring up the past anymore and turn into a immature monster when things weren't emotionally or materialistically going my way. i am ashamed but i said i was ashamed in lockdown, thats right he left in lockdown because i was that bad. it took so long to reconciliate everything and feel welcome with his family again. please dont assume we were "that couple" no one ever was informed about our arguments or whatever, everyone knew us as one, everyone thought we were great but we werent.

and this time it feels for good, you know.
i sound immature but hes mature and kind and loving and as for myself im immature and unforgiving, selfish, damaged pos.

i think you're being too hard on yourself. from what you are saying, he's the one who fucked up and you stayed out of loyalty but it ate away at you. that isn't your fault.

this is the opposite of what you want most likely but it might make it less painful if you block him and try your best to go no contact. those little messages/reacts from him are basically little breadcrumbs giving you hope and i imagine it hurts a lot. i was there once as well.

i crave that feeling of true love that i once had where i could just be myself. sounds similar to what you had. it's really hard to have that feeling shattered. i wish i could go back as well.

 

[raindrops]

i think you're being too hard on yourself. from what you are saying, he's the one who fucked up and you stayed out of loyalty but it ate away at you. that isn't your fault.

this is the opposite of what you want most likely but it might make it less painful if you block him and try your best to go no contact. those little messages/reacts from him are basically little breadcrumbs giving you hope and i imagine it hurts a lot. i was there once as well.

i crave that feeling of true love that i once had where i could just be myself. sounds similar to what you had. it's really hard to have that feeling shattered. i wish i could go back as well.

virtual hugs
i might have to accept i will be the bitter old lady, with my 10 cats.



this song comes to mind

-sigh-

 

[Mirrory Me]

love is so beautiful, its amazing but is it amazing to have sex with a man who has fucked multiple other women? PLEASE DONT TAKE OFFENCE HERE. How do you look at that

Well, if you haven't met before. That man could still truly care about you.

 

[raindrops]

Well, if you haven't met before. That man could still truly care about you.

i cant see it that way though
to know that myself & basically everyone i could possibly meet have loved before
i just dont see how it works out. how do you look at each other and say " i love you forever"

like at that point are we just purposely putting ourselves through mental anguish?
you love me? forever? oh really like the last one did.
suuuuuuuuure
*eye roll*

 

[Mirrory Me]

i cant see it that way though
to know that myself & basically everyone i could possibly meet have loved before
i just dont see how it works out. how do you look at each other and say " i love you forever"

like at that point are we just purposely putting ourselves through mental anguish?
you love me? forever? oh really like the last one did.
suuuuuuuuure
*eye roll*

Well, it works as long as you want to stay together, so it's fair and authentic for both.

 

[raindrops]

Well, it works as long as you want to stay together, so it's fair and authentic for both.

i dont know how people do it
i could never love again

humans are trash anyway and im so grateful i never had a child with him

0/10 would not recommend love

 

[Mirrory Me]

i dont know how people do it
i could never love again

I'm sorry... In my personal experience, I had a relationship that lasted over 10 years, and it took me a while to recover from it. :/

 

[Raven2]

I truly hope your heart heals. I went through the same thing after being in a 15year relationship since I was a teen. I struggle sometimes even now.