Venting Don´t want to ruin my parents life

[TheGoodGuy]

My biggest problem is that I don´t want to ruin my parents life, I am sure that the suicide of a parents child must be one of the biggest pains ever. I have seen a lot of documentaries about suicide and the life of ones love ones will always have that pain inside of them by a child, parents, life partner´s suicide they just learn to live with the pain over the years.

So any tips to get rid of these thoughts? I really want to die but I don´t want to ruin my parents life, they gave me the best childhood in the world and they have always been there for me, even now when I got kicked out of school and am in the process of getting welfare they have given me some food and over 100$ so I can buy something to eat. They don´t know I am suicidal because I said I am just want to know if I have a mental illness so I hope I can talk to a psychiatrist.

It seems now the only thing holding me back from ctb is that I keep thinking about my parents especially the picture of my mother crying at her own mother´s funeral keeps repeating in my head when I want to kms and how could I bring that pain upon both my parents? So anyone have the same problem or used to but got rid of these thought by rationalizing e.g. we never asked to be born so we should have the choice to exit life.

 

[eczema]

i have the same problem. my parents are stifling, overprotective, and used to be physically/emotionally abusive, but they are trying their best. i'm not an easy kid to have. i know they love me, and i wish they didn't, because this is so much harder when i consider the impact this will have on them.

 

[skitliv]

i have the same problem. my parents are stifling, overprotective, and used to be physically/emotionally abusive, but they are trying their best. i'm not an easy kid to have. i know they love me, and i wish they didn't, because this is so much harder when i consider the impact this will have on them.

Same here

 

[Mr2005]

I kind of do, that's how bitter I am but nah I 'm not doing it for them I'm doing it for me. I don't give a shit what they want

 

[Schopenhauer]

I don't care, really. I didn't have a choice when I was conceived. I was brought into this world with no choice, and had to deal with it (and everybody seems to think that reproduction is such a miracle). They made their choice, and I've made mine.

 

[Schopenhauer]

i have the same problem. my parents are stifling, overprotective, and used to be physically/emotionally abusive, but they are trying their best. i'm not an easy kid to have. i know they love me, and i wish they didn't, because this is so much harder when i consider the impact this will have on them.

I wouldn't cut them so much slack, though. I don't think physically/emotionally abusive parents are trying their best, unless they're mentally challenged.

 

[samsays89]

I feel the same way. My mother was crying when I was committed and so hopeful when I was released. My aunt was also pretty torn up. They actually do care about me, but they have other kids they can focus on. They'll be able to move on. Every generation of my family has had at least one death from both sides of my family, so I'll just be the first to die in this generation.

I actually hope my liver disease gets terminal so I can have more of an excuse than mental health issues. It'll give them time to prepare. Plus it's an excuse to drink more.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

i have the same problem. my parents are stifling, overprotective, and used to be physically/emotionally abusive, but they are trying their best. i'm not an easy kid to have. i know they love me, and i wish they didn't, because this is so much harder when i consider the impact this will have on them.

That´s not really "the same problem" I love my parents and always have and they have never showed me nothing but love and they made my childhood heaven on Earth I am not exaggerating I kinda believe that I might have had the best childhood in the world and a reason for the big part of that is because I had such good parents.

I don't care, really. I didn't have a choice when I was conceived. I was brought into this world with no choice, and had to deal with it (and everybody seems to think that reproduction is such a miracle). They made their choice, and I've made mine.

This is spot on. Reproduction isn´t a miracle we all were just born because we were the next step in life for our parents. They get married gets a house, car etc. and the next step is the experience of having children and here we are just a new experience or level in life if you will. I know I shouldn´t feel guilty for wanting to kms and I think the only reasons is because they gave me heaven on Earth as a child I am an extreme atheist btw so I don´t believe in heaven, Hell or reincarnation I am just making the comparison that I truly had an insanely good childhood that can only be compared to what religious people believe heaven to be like.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Being a child is enjoying Disneyland, an adult is all the work in maintaining it. Kids are largely a way for adults to experience there own childhood. Once your an adult the experience of the grandparents does a 180, they seem to view the relationship only in terms of family get together, same with parents, anything more and there is a natural desire to become hostile, unless they need you around constantly for some purpose.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Being a child is enjoying Disneyland, an adult is all the work in maintaining it. Kids are largely a way for adults to experience there own childhood. Once your an adult the experience of the grandparents does a 180, they seem to view the relationship only in terms of family get together, same with parents, anything more and there is a natural desire to become hostile, unless they need you around constantly for some purpose.

Wow that is very insightful and seem very true (the part about why people have kids). And yes as I child I and I guess most people experienced pure happiness all the time and this isn´t just nostalgia, try and remember how exciting and fun everything was as a child just something so simple as to get home from school and watch a new episode from a TV show that would air once a week e.g. Pokemon, Beyblade, Yugi-oh, Jackie Chan adventures etc.

To be fair I actually had one of the best days of my life a couple of years ago when I was together with my little brother and childhood friend (they both smoked weed that night) and a friend from my teenage years was there too and took pure MDMA with me and that night was so fun and exciting and just so much pleasure and fun in general. This was the second time I did MDMA and the first time I did it with company but anyways what I am trying to say is that of course adult people can experience a very good day of happiness in their adult life but they´re so rare but as a child these days were happening all the time the excitement the days before the MDMA trip was sceduled I was filled with what was a bit similar to the excitement of watching a new episode of a TV series as a kid or about to play a new video game as a kid but as you said we have to but such an insane amount of work into everything as an adult just to MAINTAIN and I for one AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT! Maintain maintain maintain all in life now is maintenance after my life peaked in childhood. and on top of this I have a throat problem so just maintaining my bodyweight is such a hard task for me I am tired of this hard life and I am tired of all these "positive" people like counselors, friends or family trying to act like "you can always turn things around" are they fucking serious I have a problem with my throat that can never be healed try saying the same shit to a termanilly ill cancer patient and I bet they would slap you my life is over and I just want my parents blessing but no I have to keep going it´s the same you see when people are in a coma the families would rather have their love ones kept artifically alive for years or decades than giving them peace because humans are selfish and it´s because THEY don´t want to lose that person and I have no life anymore I am just keeping my body alive I might as well be in a coma or dead.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

If you were filthy rich and could do anything, you would have no responsi billities, you could spend all day on a jet ski doing whatever you desired, you could have a family without spending all day at work just for a roof and food for them. But for the other 99% of us it will never be, just 98% drudgery and work and once in a while a fun outing ,when you can overcome the exhaustion, and it will be you who has to work to put all the fun times together. And that's if everything goes smoothly, without something that sets you back for the rest of your life.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

The only way is if your parents hate you or if you can convince yourself that they do.

My mom actually liked us so I couldn't do it with her still around. But now she's not. But now it seems like relatives and coworkers would be freaked out. How the hell do I overcome that? When life hurts too much to think about it. Next spring it probably will.

 

[bigj75]

I feel people should be understanding of stuff like this. If my child was suicidal I would do what I can to help them but if nothing could help and they still wanted to commit suicide then I would accept it. People get so shocked when people die and heart broken. I just don't understand how after so many years we've been on earth death of family members or friends still get to us.

 

[ignominia]

Well maybe if you let clear that you genuinly love them they could understand or at least accepted. I have a similar issue and i'm trying to prepare them mentally that if something happen to me they should be free of guilt. For me this is one of the biggest problems that i have related to ctb.

 

[xonnia]

Yes this one of the biggest reasons why i haven't done it... they gave me such a good chance at life and I failed... its not their fault at all but they will feel that way. Esp since if i do it in my house its likely them that will find me, i can't fathom them coming into my house and seeing me dead from suicide..... My fall into darkness was not their fault and i can't put it on them. This is why i get mad when people say suicide is selfish, not is fucking selfish to want someone to suffer day after day just so you don't feel pain from their loss :/

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

I feel people should be understanding of stuff like this. If my child was suicidal I would do what I can to help them but if nothing could help and they still wanted to commit suicide then I would accept it. People get so shocked when people die and heart broken. I just don't understand how after so many years we've been on earth death of family members or friends still get to us.

Yeah if it's been happening over 10's of thousands or hundreds of thousands of years of evolution you would think we would have long ago adapted to it. Being we haven't, either we are socially retarded or the human species hasn't been around as long as they would tell us to believe. Death still seems shocking, with deep grief.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

My biggest problem is that I don´t want to ruin my parents life, I am sure that the suicide of a parents child must be one of the biggest pains ever. I have seen a lot of documentaries about suicide and the life of ones love ones will always have that pain inside of them by a child, parents, life partner´s suicide they just learn to live with the pain over the years.

So any tips to get rid of these thoughts? I really want to die but I don´t want to ruin my parents life, they gave me the best childhood in the world and they have always been there for me, even now when I got kicked out of school and am in the process of getting welfare they have given me some food and over 100$ so I can buy something to eat. They don´t know I am suicidal because I said I am just want to know if I have a mental illness so I hope I can talk to a psychiatrist.

It seems now the only thing holding me back from ctb is that I keep thinking about my parents especially the picture of my mother crying at her own mother´s funeral keeps repeating in my head when I want to kms and how could I bring that pain upon both my parents? So anyone have the same problem or used to but got rid of these thought by rationalizing e.g. we never asked to be born so we should have the choice to exit life.

I have the same problem … I want out of here so bad but I know it will hurt my parents and they won't understand.
I hate it here so much. I know some people have said on here that they are staying here because of parent's / family.
I just can't take all this shit anymore. I don't know. :(

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I don't care, really. I didn't have a choice when I was conceived. I was brought into this world with no choice, and had to deal with it (and everybody seems to think that reproduction is such a miracle). They made their choice, and I've made mine.

Sometimes I feel this way and sometimes guilty for ending it. The people who want to be here think every day is a "Gift" Sometimes I want to punch them in the face. Now with the current situation in the U.S. the pro-lifers will keep getting their way and bring more lifeforms into this shithole planet and legal suicide will never happen. I doubt it had much of a chance anyway but even less now. :(

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

That´s not really "the same problem" I love my parents and always have and they have never showed me nothing but love and they made my childhood heaven on Earth I am not exaggerating I kinda believe that I might have had the best childhood in the world and a reason for the big part of that is because I had such good parents.


This is spot on. Reproduction isn´t a miracle we all were just born because we were the next step in life for our parents. They get married gets a house, car etc. and the next step is the experience of having children and here we are just a new experience or level in life if you will. I know I shouldn´t feel guilty for wanting to kms and I think the only reasons is because they gave me heaven on Earth as a child I am an extreme atheist btw so I don´t believe in heaven, Hell or reincarnation I am just making the comparison that I truly had an insanely good childhood that can only be compared to what religious people believe heaven to be like.

I agree reproduction isn't a "Miracle" babies are born every day. Many of them will want to be here but not all.

 

[406blue]

My biggest problem is that I don´t want to ruin my parents life, I am sure that the suicide of a parents child must be one of the biggest pains ever. I have seen a lot of documentaries about suicide and the life of ones love ones will always have that pain inside of them by a child, parents, life partner´s suicide they just learn to live with the pain over the years.

So any tips to get rid of these thoughts? I really want to die but I don´t want to ruin my parents life, they gave me the best childhood in the world and they have always been there for me, even now when I got kicked out of school and am in the process of getting welfare they have given me some food and over 100$ so I can buy something to eat. They don´t know I am suicidal because I said I am just want to know if I have a mental illness so I hope I can talk to a psychiatrist.

It seems now the only thing holding me back from ctb is that I keep thinking about my parents especially the picture of my mother crying at her own mother´s funeral keeps repeating in my head when I want to kms and how could I bring that pain upon both my parents? So anyone have the same problem or used to but got rid of these thought by rationalizing e.g. we never asked to be born so we should have the choice to exit life.

For me as well this is the grimmest part and causes great conflict. Consciously causing this level of suffering to my mother for the rest of her life, it's possible i will never ctb for this sole reason unless i get into a mental state where the issue just is removed from my mind somehow or after she's gone. I think some people might be able to rationalise it in the sense that life is always painful, we all have to experience deaths of loved ones either way, or that we didn't choose to be here etc. I feel for you if you had a great childhood, it's hard enough for me and mine was pretty crap so it must be tough for you indeed.

Sometimes i think that the only reason i can find to stay around is the reason of not doing this to my mother, but i'm not sure that's a reasoning that can be sustained for all that long.

It may also be true that one is unconsciously looking for an excuse not to do it, somewhere along the line.

 

[bigj75]

Yeah if it's been happening over 10's of thousands or hundreds of thousands of years of evolution you would think we would have long ago adapted to it. Being we haven't, either we are socially retarded or the human species hasn't been around as long as they would tell us to believe. Death still seems shocking, with deep grief.

Agreed

 

[TheGoodGuy]

The people who want to be here think every day is a "Gift" Sometimes I want to punch them in the face.

I agree with this I hate those fuckers. Sure if you have a nice mental state, no physical illnesses, great genetics and decent amount of money then I am sure life CAN be a gift but for me who lack all of these things life is a curse!

Btw: I like your sig "fake it till you exit" that is so true I have to fake being happy or at least fake not being suicidal until I die just to keep people happy around me.

I know some people have said on here that they are staying here because of parent's / family.
I just can't take all this shit anymore. I don't know. :(

It fucking sucks to keep our organs going like a fucking comatose patient "just" so we won´t break our parents hearts. I often envy the people who has no family or friends because they literally got nothing to hold them back, I know some people want to be missed although I think this is more of a teenage mindset like when I was suicidal as a teenager it felt so good thinking about how much people would miss me but now I just wish that nobody gave a shit so I could kms with a clear conscience.


I am also piss poor right now since I got kicked out of school for not attending and my only copes I have is to go tanning once a week just lay there relaxing in the nice hot tanning bed for 12-15 minutes, my other copes are shooting firearms since it´s my number one hobby but it´s expensive and as soon as I mention suicidal thought my guns will be taken away i.e. take away my biggest reason to live my ultimate cope. and my last cope drives in my car it is so relaxing.

It pisses me off how much power money has, money is literally EVERYTHING and middle class working people somehow think I am entitled because I just want an early pension when I literally can´t work because of physical and mental problems and I would only get about 1600$ a month for the rest of my life that is only 2/3 or half what a middle class person gets in Denmark and people get mad about this meanwhile people can buy a wine, painting, shoes etc. off an auction for millions. Just recently I saw a wine sold at an auction for 1.6 million USD those money are just pennies for the rich to spend on insignicant shit but I could live my dream life for the rest of my life for that kind of money. It could also be the shoes worn in The Wizard of Oz they were estimated between 2-5 million USD at an auction recently and to think they are JUST a pair of shoes and for that kinda money I could live an amazing life but still I am an insignificant entitled little worm for JUST wanting to get an early pension at 1600USD a month to cope with life.

 

[bigj75]

i have the same problem. my parents are stifling, overprotective, and used to be physically/emotionally abusive, but they are trying their best. i'm not an easy kid to have. i know they love me, and i wish they didn't, because this is so much harder when i consider the impact this will have on them.

Man I used to be like this but I'm so far gone that my mindset is likey survival and and ending suffering is all that matters to me. So fuck my parents if they get hurt by me ending my suffering. They were the main cause of this shit in the first place.

 

[ParamitePie]

My family have known that I was depressed as a child and teenager, and they ignored it. They know that I'm depressed now, and they still ignore it. Any time I brought up my problems, they'd just laugh it off, pretend I never said anything or redirect onto their own issues in life and how much larger they were. Even when I had a mental breakdown, it was just a few sessions at a psych and a staunch refusal of any prescription on their behalf. They made it so that I eventually gave up on expecting any assistance, or even interest in my welfare from anyone.

The entire reason I'm still around today is because my mother had a traumatic injury and I had to look after her for several years. Now she's fully recovered, so I don't feel guilty about doing something I planned to carry out years ago. I know they won't be surprised when they're informed, and I figure I'm owed it at this point. Maybe that's entitled of me, I don't know?

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Yeah, I was lucky to have my parents pass before I do, whenever that will be. I'm sorry *smiles a bit sadly*

 

[AceOfSpadesCTB]

That's one thing that was holding me back at first, but then I realized I'm not even that close to my family. We talk on the phone maybe every other month, see each other maybe three or four times a year (even though I don't live far away), and never really about anything personal. I'm hoping that this separation will make things easier for them, but this about what's best for me, and I've got to go.

 

[Jai]

No one wants to make their parents suffer in my case especially my mother but they've lived their life their over 70 I see as it's not like I'm 15 and killed myself then I'm sure they'd be devastated .they struggled in life and do now I'm sure their counting the days both riddled with conditions and disease I'm sure they will see it that way if I do CTB

 

[throwaway777]

i feel the same … and i hate myself even more for that … i feel trapped

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

This is my reason too. I really don't want to devastate my Mum, or Dad, even though they are both overprotective and patronizing. I also really don't want to hurt my sister, don't want her life she enjoys ruined by what is right for me.

 

[Jai]

That's one thing that was holding me back at first, but then I realized I'm not even that close to my family. We talk on the phone maybe every other month, see each other maybe three or four times a year (even though I don't live far away), and never really about anything personal. I'm hoping that this separation will make things easier for them, but this about what's best for me, and I've got to go.

I'm not close mate with mine barley seen them in decades but even if you don't and this is me personnel your mother always has a connection