clockwork_cat
Member
- Feb 24, 2023
- 42
This is what I've been saying to everyone. I've been telling them all that I'm healing, that I'm doing better, that moving and changing my name has solved everything. I've been making jokes, being social, getting to work on time, brushing my teeth twice a day, things I couldn't fathom of doing before.
I'm better is what I say every day to myself, I'm better while I eat meals alone, I'm better while I sit in silence.
But I'm better because I don't hold onto hope or survival instinct anymore. I'm clean from self harm because it's just an attention seeking mess to feel beautiful and cared for. But really, I was sitting alone in my bathtub, cold, shivering, skin and blood.
I don't self harm anymore, I'm better, I don't talk about pain to others, I must be healed, but no, I am so deeply and unfixably crushed.
Nothing changed anything. Nothing will fix this. Someone did something horrible to me recently and it only added to the devastation.
The life that I dreamt of as a small girl will never happened. And sure- I dreamt of dragons and quests and talking cats. But really my dream was to be loved.
So tonight I've ordered SN, it will be here sooner than I thought. The time is near. I will continue to be happy and better until it's that time. I won't say anything. I won't even listen to sad songs. I'll be the best friend I can be. I keep imagining my cat dying and getting sick and it destroys me. I'll hold her so much until it gets here.
my chest is a heavy weight that grows deeper as every day passes. I'm crying.
I'm better is what I say every day to myself, I'm better while I eat meals alone, I'm better while I sit in silence.
But I'm better because I don't hold onto hope or survival instinct anymore. I'm clean from self harm because it's just an attention seeking mess to feel beautiful and cared for. But really, I was sitting alone in my bathtub, cold, shivering, skin and blood.
I don't self harm anymore, I'm better, I don't talk about pain to others, I must be healed, but no, I am so deeply and unfixably crushed.
Nothing changed anything. Nothing will fix this. Someone did something horrible to me recently and it only added to the devastation.
The life that I dreamt of as a small girl will never happened. And sure- I dreamt of dragons and quests and talking cats. But really my dream was to be loved.
So tonight I've ordered SN, it will be here sooner than I thought. The time is near. I will continue to be happy and better until it's that time. I won't say anything. I won't even listen to sad songs. I'll be the best friend I can be. I keep imagining my cat dying and getting sick and it destroys me. I'll hold her so much until it gets here.
my chest is a heavy weight that grows deeper as every day passes. I'm crying.
