Jonathan Franzen pretended that about David Foster Wallace. Franzen said DFW killed himself in a way to release maximum pain on his loved ones. And he did that to prove that he (DFW) deserves this dramatic punihsment. Tbh I don't know the exact details but Franzen sounded a little bit like an asshole when talking about DFW's suicide. However, I never met DFW and cannot give an honest judgement. He was his best friend. Maybe he was overwhelmed by the pain. Or he really was jealous about DFW getting all the attention. However, DFW had real issues. He treated women pretty pretty dirty. He used them. Franzen could have been right. I am not sure.
I am in a clinic. And we were in some sort of a clique. Only me and a borderline woman are left. She is lesbian and pretty beautiful. Gladly I don't have a crush on her. I am pretty suicidal. I told my doctor at the clinic that I consider to kill myself in October. He is also aware that my situation is pretty hopeless and does not really know what to recommend because all my options are horrendous.
I try to be a principled, honest and up-right person. But recently I am simply not. I am in so fucking much pain. And becoming mean is seemingly a new coping skill. I am not sure whether my clique influenced me. They left like pretty evil remarks on a disabled person. I told them to stop. Especially because he might heared them. This is where I draw the line when talking dirty. At least the other person should not hear it. There was another time I tried to stop them.
But I sort of adapted to their behavior. And that's karma I am scared they do the same behind my back. I could imagine that already happened.
I am self-loathing me for my obsession with intelligence. That STEM professor I once met hated me for that. This obsession is so pathetic. I try not to feel superior for feeling intelligent. But I sort of worship it. And that's so fucking stupid. But the bullying at school started that.There is no way of going back. I could only erase that by killing myself. Which I might do. I am already self-loathing all the time. And something interesting happens. When I am self-loathing all the time I become a worse person. So it is a dilemma. Feeling good about being intelligent and secretly in some sense feeling superior (even if this is not the main thought) is a disgusting trait. But self-loathing myself for being such a disgusting person is actually unbearable. Really I barely can cope with it anymore. I am on the edge of suicide. And this self-loathing spiral ends up with actually doing nasty things. I don't see a way out. Either killing myself and ending this mess. Or trying to live the best as possible. With the help of this thread I kind of realized that this self-hatred makes me a worse person. But it could also only be this acute suicidality and extreme despair which lets me become that.
Now the the main point. I am in this clinic and the thing with leaving nasty remarks on others just escalates. I feel disgusted by myself when thinking about it. But me and that woman. I don't know why but we just do it. It is so superifical. And first I did not like it. But I just adapted.
There are some very weird people in this clinic. And we just act like bullies and assholes. I have the feeling I am sort of a sheep because the others started it. Recently a borderline woman threatened suicide in front of the whole group. The mature position would be: we don't know her story, We don't know what happened to that woman. And usually I would defend this position with all I have. But recently I am so fucking fucked up. And just cannot cope with the pain anymore. That borderline woman seems to have a low IQ. She tries to manipulate the staff members and accuses them of many things. The therapists don't take her suicidality serious at all. Honestly, it seems like she shows such a behavior all the time. The first time she said she feels awesome and great to be here at the clinc. She was in pretty good mood. The staff wanted that she leaves again. And suddenly she said her mood rapidly changed and now very dark thoughts are coming. Honestly, this feels like a slap in the face of suicidal people. It sort of feels like an insult. And there are not a few suicidal people in that clinic. The mature position would be non-judgmental but we seemingly don't give a fuck on that.
Maybe it is good that our ways split. Me and the other borderline women with whom I exchange these nasty comments. She is not a bad person I think. But usually I would not show such a dick behavior. We already gossiped in public transport. I feel pretty bad.
There has happened something again recently. And we started gossip again. However, for me it is important that the other person does (at least) not notice it. Still I am disgusted about myself. And I am pretty aware that other people probably showed such a behavior when I was psychotic. And they insulted me behind my back. And I judged them for them. And I almost died out of shame. I almost committed suicide because of it. And I might soon will.
I met this sort of insane person again. He is again in the clinic again. He is more or less a total wreck just like me. A destroyed human being. The last time in the clinic he told everyone he wants to become chancellor of Germany. And I am allowed to become his foreign secretary. I can remember how I tried to defend him when someone else wanted to gossip about him. I seemingly have become a worse person since. He also told a pretty good looking staff member he loves to watch erotic movies which was so fucking awkward and creepy. Today something so weird happened. In a group session I fell asleep. When he woke up he said pretty weird things. He said something like that happens all the time recently. He told the staff member first he thought she was his mom who died many years ago. Something like that also happens at his home. And he seemingly thinks the TV was his mom and starts speaking with his TV. Another woman looked at me completely shocked. That's seemingly the psychiatry. I think he has a pretty tragic story.
I can remember when the other person tried to gossip with me about him many years ago I replied: I respect him in his position I would have killed myself years ago. And I said that he is very ill. Honestly I can live so much better with that position. Seemingly I don't have it in me anymore. Maybe that's a hint or a sign to kill myself already because my ethics seemingly deteriorates. The face of this shocked woman was pretty telling. I also was pretty shocked. I told to that woman with whom I gossip that before I end up like him I want to kill myself. He is a complete wreck. I am a complete wreck too. It changes you having to survive like that. Always being at the end of the rope. I don't want to become a disgusting human being. More ugly that now. I am self-loathing for my obession about intelligence. But this gossip is way worse. On the other side objectively how bad is gossip. Is this something worth to kill yourself for? I am not sure.
I try to watch Bayern Real Madrid this evening. I hope my VPN helps me in that.
What do you think about it?
I am in a clinic. And we were in some sort of a clique. Only me and a borderline woman are left. She is lesbian and pretty beautiful. Gladly I don't have a crush on her. I am pretty suicidal. I told my doctor at the clinic that I consider to kill myself in October. He is also aware that my situation is pretty hopeless and does not really know what to recommend because all my options are horrendous.
I try to be a principled, honest and up-right person. But recently I am simply not. I am in so fucking much pain. And becoming mean is seemingly a new coping skill. I am not sure whether my clique influenced me. They left like pretty evil remarks on a disabled person. I told them to stop. Especially because he might heared them. This is where I draw the line when talking dirty. At least the other person should not hear it. There was another time I tried to stop them.
But I sort of adapted to their behavior. And that's karma I am scared they do the same behind my back. I could imagine that already happened.
I am self-loathing me for my obsession with intelligence. That STEM professor I once met hated me for that. This obsession is so pathetic. I try not to feel superior for feeling intelligent. But I sort of worship it. And that's so fucking stupid. But the bullying at school started that.There is no way of going back. I could only erase that by killing myself. Which I might do. I am already self-loathing all the time. And something interesting happens. When I am self-loathing all the time I become a worse person. So it is a dilemma. Feeling good about being intelligent and secretly in some sense feeling superior (even if this is not the main thought) is a disgusting trait. But self-loathing myself for being such a disgusting person is actually unbearable. Really I barely can cope with it anymore. I am on the edge of suicide. And this self-loathing spiral ends up with actually doing nasty things. I don't see a way out. Either killing myself and ending this mess. Or trying to live the best as possible. With the help of this thread I kind of realized that this self-hatred makes me a worse person. But it could also only be this acute suicidality and extreme despair which lets me become that.
Now the the main point. I am in this clinic and the thing with leaving nasty remarks on others just escalates. I feel disgusted by myself when thinking about it. But me and that woman. I don't know why but we just do it. It is so superifical. And first I did not like it. But I just adapted.
There are some very weird people in this clinic. And we just act like bullies and assholes. I have the feeling I am sort of a sheep because the others started it. Recently a borderline woman threatened suicide in front of the whole group. The mature position would be: we don't know her story, We don't know what happened to that woman. And usually I would defend this position with all I have. But recently I am so fucking fucked up. And just cannot cope with the pain anymore. That borderline woman seems to have a low IQ. She tries to manipulate the staff members and accuses them of many things. The therapists don't take her suicidality serious at all. Honestly, it seems like she shows such a behavior all the time. The first time she said she feels awesome and great to be here at the clinc. She was in pretty good mood. The staff wanted that she leaves again. And suddenly she said her mood rapidly changed and now very dark thoughts are coming. Honestly, this feels like a slap in the face of suicidal people. It sort of feels like an insult. And there are not a few suicidal people in that clinic. The mature position would be non-judgmental but we seemingly don't give a fuck on that.
Maybe it is good that our ways split. Me and the other borderline women with whom I exchange these nasty comments. She is not a bad person I think. But usually I would not show such a dick behavior. We already gossiped in public transport. I feel pretty bad.
There has happened something again recently. And we started gossip again. However, for me it is important that the other person does (at least) not notice it. Still I am disgusted about myself. And I am pretty aware that other people probably showed such a behavior when I was psychotic. And they insulted me behind my back. And I judged them for them. And I almost died out of shame. I almost committed suicide because of it. And I might soon will.
I met this sort of insane person again. He is again in the clinic again. He is more or less a total wreck just like me. A destroyed human being. The last time in the clinic he told everyone he wants to become chancellor of Germany. And I am allowed to become his foreign secretary. I can remember how I tried to defend him when someone else wanted to gossip about him. I seemingly have become a worse person since. He also told a pretty good looking staff member he loves to watch erotic movies which was so fucking awkward and creepy. Today something so weird happened. In a group session I fell asleep. When he woke up he said pretty weird things. He said something like that happens all the time recently. He told the staff member first he thought she was his mom who died many years ago. Something like that also happens at his home. And he seemingly thinks the TV was his mom and starts speaking with his TV. Another woman looked at me completely shocked. That's seemingly the psychiatry. I think he has a pretty tragic story.
I can remember when the other person tried to gossip with me about him many years ago I replied: I respect him in his position I would have killed myself years ago. And I said that he is very ill. Honestly I can live so much better with that position. Seemingly I don't have it in me anymore. Maybe that's a hint or a sign to kill myself already because my ethics seemingly deteriorates. The face of this shocked woman was pretty telling. I also was pretty shocked. I told to that woman with whom I gossip that before I end up like him I want to kill myself. He is a complete wreck. I am a complete wreck too. It changes you having to survive like that. Always being at the end of the rope. I don't want to become a disgusting human being. More ugly that now. I am self-loathing for my obession about intelligence. But this gossip is way worse. On the other side objectively how bad is gossip. Is this something worth to kill yourself for? I am not sure.
I try to watch Bayern Real Madrid this evening. I hope my VPN helps me in that.
What do you think about it?
