Does your biological clock tell you to have kids despite being suicidal?

[OrcWitch]

My mom gave birth to her first kid at 16, then was pregnant again at 17. Those two sisters bounced around the foster care system and one got raped by an older foster kid. She had 2 more and I was the youngest. For most of my life I've been jaded about children. I've seen a sister have kids they neglected and had taken away by the state. I always knew that if I had one I would bring life into this world that I did not have the means to make happy, I'd create another tormented soul.

Starting around age 27 I've had this on and off yearning that is hard to describe. It's like when you're 10 years old and starting to form crushes on people at school, this new emotion came from nowhere. I day dream about having kids I do things with and take care of. I want to buy them lego sets and let them lick the spoon when they help bake cookies. I want to read bed time stories and help them ride bikes. I think as I get older something within me is urging me to have a family. I used to hate children but feel this gentle patience towards them in recent years.

I don't want to bring life into this cruel world though. If I was to ever recover and not ctb, I still wouldn't want to. I would at most adopt, but only if I felt capable of giving them a good life. I'm so fucked up I'm not sure I'd ever be a suitable parent. It's a tremendous amount of responsibility to ensure a developing young human is given the proper amounts of care so that they don't live a life of agony. I'm down to be a peterpan adult child for the rest of my life too, whether I ctb or not.

 

[mlha]

The nature of life are sadistic tricks so the life can continue begetting suffering. May it be SI or yearning for offspring.

 

[stellabelle]

I will never have children. No "bio clock."
I've had too many problems and too many stalkers and a lack of proper care and help during my own upbringing and adulthood. I really wish I had a better environment as a kid. And as an adult.

My mother used me as an object and never did actually help me, just push and shove and force and then wonder why I wasn't happy.

Shit went bad repeatedly because of her and her family and my own unreasonable challenges with work and "home" and people.

I woke up thinking about her sending makeup or stuff to me and I asked myself why she wasted all that time and money being a pain in the ass in the final 3 years.

It was not a good thing.

Things got worse before and after she died.

I really hated her for the shit she did repeatedly.

I hated myself for the things I had tried to understand that never could be understood.

It was so simple but they made things as fucked up as they possibly could.

I don't know. If I could've done things differently I would've ran away from damage done.

I wish I went to a boarding school because I could've done better. I would've been in a better learning environment and had a head start on a good life and a career.

I envy happy, functional families. I will never be a part of that.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yes and there's nothing I can do to stop it as long as I'm alive.

Luckily I don't have to do anything since no one should want to have kids with me anyway.

 

[uselesswaste]

Luckily I don't have to do anything since no one should want to have kids with me anyway.

relatable.

 

[steviewonder]

You brain is a modular organ. One module wants sex. One wants food and water. One wants social interaction. One wants to control your toilet routine.

If you have bad genetics, I suggest you don't reproduce. If your genetics are fine, then ultimately it's up to you. Otherwise you risk creating unhappy people in the next generation.

For me. the reproduction module in my head wants children. But I think this is deeply immoral because of my own bad genetics. So no way will I bring a child into this world. Kids are fucking hard as well.

 

[mlha]

Otherwise you risk creating unhappy people in the next generation.

You risk it in both cases.

 

[silent staring void]

I'm obsessed with having kids and I'm obsessed with finding true love too, literally so cringe. Can someone please beat the naivete out of me?

 

[4eyebiped]

I am a highly affectionate guy so I would love a relationship, but I have always had zero desire for children. The natural instinct to produce children is missing from my brain. I do not mind the frequent practicing of the act of making them though.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I will never have children. I do not want to. Life is suffering. If you never exist you will never suffer. More than anything I wish I was never born. All of our problems are caused by the fact that we exist in the first place.

 

[Sherri]

No, I'm im Too afraid of passing to my son what I have. I rather adopt a child who is already here and needs a loving home.

 

[summers]

It's not necessarily a child, but I would be cool hosting a xenomorph from Aliens in my body until it burst out my chest.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

No I have no interest in sex, babies or anything resembling procreation. Life's a joke, I'm treating it as such.

 

[Pluto]

Yes, I suffer from this syndrome to the extreme. My intellectual side agrees with almost all of the usual anti-natalist arguments. Of avoiding perpetuating suffering, containing human overpopulation, rejecting participation in the ongoing 'end times' of human corruption and avoiding creating another financial slave to the system.

But at an emotional level, I feel a powerful desire to have a child and give her all the love and care that I never had. I've spent my whole life learning as much as I can so I can sustain an intellectually stimulating environment. I've been educated and at one stage worked professionally with children. I have a family home and family car, albeit full of deathly silence.

The child's room is set up with colorful bedding and stationery and a toy dingo. I even have a PS5 that I never use because it's for my imaginary child. I tried foster care many years ago but was rejected without being given a chance because I don't have any family support of my own. Attempts at finding a partner never went well and yet almost all of my peers found themselves as parents without even lifting a finger. I get triggered just seeing other people with partners and families - i.e. all day, every day.

The situation is probably my biggest single reason to CTB as nothing can console this level of sadness. Ageing alone and unloved is not fun. I figure that maybe I can at least be with my family in the afterlife!

 

[Bleak]

Yeah I feel an obligation to perpetuate the line and to pass on the love and care given to me. Feel a lot of guilt for not giving my parents grandchildren as well. It's just not going to happen though I am far too messed up.

 

[emmarg]

I envy happy, functional families. I will never be a part of that.

This. The envy I feel towards families who like each other is unbearable - imagine not dreading every holiday, etc.

 

[little helpers]

I been thinking if it has anything to do with wanting to live childhood again. but one thing is for sure. the moment you think about like ALL the efforts in child-bearing and/or child-rearing it becomes clear how much you'd suffer through that. if thinking about the kids side of view doesn't work, think about *yourself*.

 

[Hirokami]

Sometimes? Though, I think it's because I'm an only child and, therefore, it's up to me to keep the bloodline going. There's a bit of internal pressure, but who am I kidding? What kid deserves a dad who constantly thinks of ctb? I cannot mentally handle a child, at least at this stage of my life.

 

[eternalpeace]

I think my biological clock is digital, because it never really went off, and I'm 38 now. I knew from a young age, even before mental illness ravaged my life, that I did not want children. There was one, VERY brief period of time in my late 20s (maybe a month, if that!) when I thought I MIGHT want kids with the guy I was with at the time, but the feeling was fleeting.

I'm pretty sure if I weren't suicidal that I wouldn't want kids either, but it's hard to say because it's been so long, the suicidality is ingrained in me. I think I'd be a totally different person if I weren't suicidal, and maybe that person would want kids, who knows…

 

[Depressed Cat]

I'm the only son of my parents, so there is intense parental pressure on me to procreate and give them grand-kids, but I'm wiser than that.

My major depressive disorder and suicide ideation has given me a different perspective of life. I have turned into a hardcore anti-natalist. I now view being born in this world as being condemned with a life imprisonment followed by the death penalty (which is what the soul goes through). So no, I've not procreated so far and will never do so.

Even if I were to procreate, I would not be able to be a good father to my kid(s). My depression keeps switching on and off every now and then. What if during a major depressive episode I decide that I've had enough and CTB?

Anti-natalism is what I believe in and practise now.

 

[Crazy4u]

I have never wanted to have children. I don't like stress and I don't know what a good happy family is. I didn't see the point of having children if I can't raise them. People around me thought my biological clock would kick in someday. It never did

 

[gottago222]

i wanted children before (between ages 23-26) but realized it was for totally selfish reasons. im not mentally here and im only 28. imagine how i would be when i am older. i would neglect the child, and so they are better off not existing.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I love babies and caring for them. There is no way that I can have kids nor that I feel it would be fair for kids to be brought by me someone with health problems to potentially pass down and cause unnecessary suffering. But I am glad to have nieces and nephews to play with. My 1.5 year old nephew makes me heart melt when he comes to me to carry him, to feed him or just to play and talk or to play him some of his favorite kids songs on youtube. Sadly i only get to see him once a month and i dont have much time with him because my other siblings want to have some of him as well. It is very blissful to be around and caring for those little humans

 

[Gsvko]

I'm feeling the worst I've ever felt in my entire life. But for some fucking reason, having children popped into my mind just when my mental health declined this much.
I hate it!
I've always said I won't have them and I won't because I think it's cruel and selfish, but now I can understand why people do it (myb). Before it was so abstract and crazy.

It almost feels like I've fucked up my own life and I want a new one. Ugh. Like fresh blood that will feed me, horrible. Like I've lost my awareness, some pan hit me in the face and now I'm just like those regular blinded people. No thanks, I'd rather die. Don't want to become something I hate. The cycle ends!

Judge me!

 

[stellabelle]

This. The envy I feel towards families who like each other is unbearable - imagine not dreading every holiday, etc.

Yes. No kidding. Dreadful holidays. It kept being ruined every year. I've been over consumerism for so long… but I am so tired of all the "happy pictures" and "happy lies", I was so afraid of everything…. I wish to rewind time. I wish to go where I wanted to be. It was sad, and it kept happening. And I guess my desperation for "support" was always just ignored. Needed people who cared rather than people who pushed me to the absolute bitter end. Mental breakdowns and ignorance. Ignorance. "No? I'm too busy with my dog and my mommy and I can't help." Yeah ok. Thanks buddy, you were so worried about me but you weren't there or kept saying umm umm umm umm umm. And nobody listens. Or they do but they don't and won't give me the time I need… or they just play little stupid "games" because they're fucked up. And then you're stuck, you're stuck, and stuck, and then… you're afraid, and tossed around, and pushed, and stuck, then you finally get away from it, and you're like… the time passed… where's my vehicle? People prodding and nagging and nagging and nagging, tell me more tell me more. Please stop asking. No I'll just do it again and again. And then more of this shit repeatedly. You say please.. listen. I need quiet time. I don't want to be bothered. No, I don't want to cuddle you. A casual hug would be fine but please. Stop, pushing me. Can't I just sit here at this table and draw? Please stop, but please.., listen. People ask why don't you just leave? Because I want time. I want time and peace but three hours go by of meditating and drawing and the how about now what about now what about now? I don't have patience for it. It's sad. You get so angry. And it happens again and again and again and again. People say "I'm so worried." But they don't respect you when you ask for the space… and then you start to self destruct repeatedly.,, and then you find peace… and then… you still have no peace with it. People… push… too… many.., times… seriously. And I know time passes by but sometimes certain things take time, some shouldn't be longer than others… help… please… listen.

It is so simple. But people are so evil. And it is just so very depressing. Twist twist twist nag nag nag push push push. You try to express yourself verbally, in writing, anything short of screaming. And it's like… you're still not happy. People don't listen.

And then in the best rainy day ever… hi blablablablablabla. Stop asking. Well now we complain. Well now we don't talk. Well. Oh well, well oh well. It's sad.

Now another year gone by. Another missing seat, another missing heart. It's very sad.

I wish I rewound time and left that winter I was 19 and never went back to the hellhole shitshow of my mothers nagging and treating me like a fuckin Barbie doll rather than a person. And I wish I never went to my family's wedding only for them to criticize me and ask why I was working two jobs trying to have a life. They broke my heart again. To be selfish. "Well grow up and go back to your mothers house?"
"Why? Is that growing up? They create more problems than what I could solve."

Or is that them playing little evil games more and more and until the bitter last sentence… god… I fucked up again last year. Because I didn't know what to do. I was afraid. I was stuck. Stuck in general, bad family, bad life. Fear, fear in general. Indecision, the little fuckin shit show.

"Irons in the fire." Not funny.

 

[NumbItAll]

I am a highly affectionate guy so I would love a relationship, but I have always had zero desire for children. The natural instinct to produce children is missing from my brain. I do not mind the frequent practicing of the act of making them though.

Same here, I've never had even the slightest desire to have children, and I don't even like them. Still suffering plenty from a lack of affection though.

 

[IconoclasticCultist]

Personally I cannot imagine having children, I still feel like I never grew up from being one in the first place. I also detest the idea of bringing new life into a world that is beginning to crumble around us (Climate change drives this fear especially.) Who wants to live in a dying world? Only a fool would bring new life into such a callous place.

Besides, I don't want to impart my lengthy list of mental illnesses onto another being. I don't want others, especially my own children, to suffer as I do. This world is a cruel place filled with suffering, and I resent being brought into it, just as my own child would assuredly feel.

 

[Samsara]

Interesting question - I have always assumed I'd never have children. But yes - since reaching my late twenties, I've increasingly entertained the idea but I believe that's because I don't want to eventually lose my choice and then regret not having children

 

[lostautist]

From a superficial reading of your post, you actually sound like you could become a decent parent. Sorry. lol

 

[Foresight]

I'm a diehard antinatalist and I have felt that unwanted yearning. It feels biological to me, although "baby fever" is probably more psychological. I don't know. I would never cave into them. Not even a chance. I would abort if needed, but my IUD is pretty effective. My genes are atrocious on top of the other 1000 reasons not to drag someone into this mess of a world. I wouldn't even adopt. I'm not fit for parenthood.

I do think there is something to the biological urge, but it might just be something in the subconscious. If you don't ctb then maybe consider fostering? I think the foster care system is easier than the adoption process.