Does writing about CTB help you?

[JmPittsburgh]

I don't mean letters/notes - I mean, writing out my plans in detail, in my case, as a bullet list/task list. I try to be as detailed as possible; I think everything through. If I think of additional steps or questions, I start all over. Usually, when I've written them out, I feel really calm. I've reassured myself that, even though I don't want to CTB right now, I know that eventually when things get too bad, I'll be ready. (I don't know if some background helps, as I am lucky to have three realistic plans; I'm in the US so a firearm is cheap and easy to obtain legally; I live in a rather large city so there are at least two buildings I can access that would put me 10+ stories over concrete, and I'm fortunate to have money in the bank and enough knowledge about older cars to make that plausible too.)

I'm not recommending this as a therapy method as such - just curious if anyone else has had this experience.

JM

 

[lonelygirl111]

i can relate to this, especially feeling calm afterwards. it's very reassuring to know you have a way out if you decide you need it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that for many people having a reliable method plan can be comforting, knowing that they are not trapped here. The way that you feel is perfectly understandable. You are lucky to have ctb plans and methods that you feel confident in, the fact that suicide is difficult for me personally is what keeps me here.

 

[Cerulea]

Yes, writing about it does bring me some comfort. For two distinct reasons:

1. It helps me feel prepared and ready to write through my plans.
2. Discussing this with like minded people feels cathartic. It's one of the few times I have not felt so painfully out of place.

I fully understand that some people need to proceed urgently. I have been one of those people in the past. Nowadays, I feel I have to be more methodical. I believe I have failed in the past because I was woefully unprepared to go toe-to-toe with my own survival instincts and I simply did not do research to confirm previous methods. Now that I know better, I can do better. There is power and calm for me in knowing that I'm on my way to fulfilling decisions I firmly believe in. I feel better. Not the kind of better that makes me want to stay. The kind of better that makes me feel less afraid of my life not being my own.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't need to write these things down and engage with people on the internet for support. Ideally, I could form a well thought out plan with people I am familiar with and we could openly talk about what it really means. But we're all in this space because it's not a perfect world. Leaning into the rational part of my brain through conversation is a kindness I give myself.

 

[JmPittsburgh]

Yes, writing about it does bring me some comfort. For two distinct reasons:

1. It helps me feel prepared and ready to write through my plans.
2. Discussing this with like minded people feels cathartic. It's one of the few times I have not felt so painfully out of place.

I fully understand that some people need to proceed urgently. I have been one of those people in the past. Nowadays, I feel I have to be more methodical. I believe I have failed in the past because I was woefully unprepared to go toe-to-toe with my own survival instincts and I simply did not do research to confirm previous methods. Now that I know better, I can do better. There is power and calm for me in knowing that I'm on my way to fulfilling decisions I firmly believe in. I feel better. Not the kind of better that makes me want to stay. The kind of better that makes me feel less afraid of my life not being my own.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't need to write these things down and engage with people on the internet for support. Ideally, I could form a well thought out plan with people I am familiar with and we could openly talk about what it really means. But we're all in this space because it's not a perfect world. Leaning into the rational part of my brain through conversation is a kindness I give myself.

Precisely. And it does help to at least be reading others' experiences so I'm reminded I'm not the only *thinking* about this - as in, I'm really thinking about it. And the SI question is interesting - my methods, though I think about them because they're realistic, do have "SI built in" - I hate guns, I'm afraid of heights, and I'm afraid that CO would leave me severely damaged but alive. Speaking just for myself - I think building in "SI" is important. This can't be an impulsive decision for me. There've definitely been some moments when I've been very close - but then afterward, some good things happened which I can remember happily. Maybe this pattern will just keep going for me; who knows. Like I said, it's really helpful to put this stuff down in words - and for me, easier than talking to people face-to-face.

 

[Cerulea]

Precisely. And it does help to at least be reading others' experiences so I'm reminded I'm not the only *thinking* about this - as in, I'm really thinking about it. And the SI question is interesting - my methods, though I think about them because they're realistic, do have "SI built in" - I hate guns, I'm afraid of heights, and I'm afraid that CO would leave me severely damaged but alive. Speaking just for myself - I think building in "SI" is important. This can't be an impulsive decision for me. There've definitely been some moments when I've been very close - but then afterward, some good things happened which I can remember happily. Maybe this pattern will just keep going for me; who knows. Like I said, it's really helpful to put this stuff down in words - and for me, easier than talking to people face-to-face.

About a week ago, I sat on the edge of rooftop with a letter sent containing the details of what should happen next to a significant person in my life. I knew once I sent that letter that I'd have to act. But I couldn't. And so I spent a grand total of seven hours on that roof, fully telling myself that my survival instinct was at play. My brain had a survival mechanism and it was doing it's job. All I had to do was deal with a few moments of fear and discomfort so that I could get out. It's just not that simple for everyone in that moment. It wasn't a matter of resolve, it was a matter of dealing with a factor I hadn't taken seriously. I am far better educated on this now and my plan has changed radically. There's control in that. Control I very much appreciate having. I'm no longer thinking about it - I'm doing something about it. That was a powerful transition for me personally.

Those pleasant or happy moments still exist and they still mean something. They're worth remembering and keeping close. I do believe that when people consider this action in their life, they ought to consider the entirety of their lives. It's all worth considering.

It sounds like you still have time to figure out what is right for you. When you're ready to decide, you'll know. May you find what you need.

 

[makethepainstop]

That can cause grievous harm, if your plan document is discovered by prying eyes. Forced excursions to hospitals, restraints............tell no one. Telling or showing people something that could compromise you is not always a good idea. Thing's do get discovered in the damnedest ways.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

A few months before I was supposed to ctb I made a checklist too, and at the time of writing it did bring about a feeling of calmness and preparedness knowing I had an exit plan, I felt confident that I could go through with it. But as I was approaching my ctb date any calmness I got from the list dissipated, I was sick with anxiety and guilt. I think planning ahead can only help me so much, I'd need an element of impulsivity - the ability to ctb when at a very low point, but that's not possible because my method requires fasting.

 

[mychoice777]

Sorry................I just joined. What does CTB stand for? Is there a place on this forum that tells what the letters stand for?

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

Sorry................I just joined. What does CTB stand for? Is there a place on this forum that tells what the letters stand for?

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