Discussion Does wanting to CTB make you feel like a monster?

[Mea Culpa]

I think part of the reason I keep failing is due to feeling like a cruel monster to those that care about me. The guilt is so crushing at times. I know that me trying to ctb is me actively choosing to hurt them. I know like.. who cares when you're dead, but I'm not dead. I'm still alive. And I hate I just cant shut myself off from people to make it easier. I just care so much I hate it. So I do feel like a monster.

 

[tbroken]

They could do better for me when i was young, they did not, my parents, the same people that did this to me, seem more than happy of my failures and me being the trash i am. CTB would only be a release.

 

[The Burning Fool]

This is definitely a recurring motif across my rants here.

 

[sserafim]

No because I feel nothing at all. Also, fuck other people

 

[february in alaska]

I wish I had a way to remove myself from everyone's lives before leaving to save them pain. I already feel terribly isolated and lonely, it wouldn't make much difference to me

Maybe I'm overestimating how much people will actually care about me, though. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse

 

[cantthinkofusername]

yeah

i want this to be over so badly, but i cant justify it

i used to spend a lot of time on r/suicidebereavement and i just cant justify inflicting that much pain on people

i wish i could just disappear

 

[xmissellax]

Yeah, I feel extremely guilty and my family and bf are the only things keeping me here but I'm stuck in an impossible limbo. I cry every day, I must have cried over 30 times yesterday, living is HELL in my autistic/BPD/depressed brain + chronically ill, and I suffer so much. I try to stay for them but I can't live like this. But I feel so guilty for leaving them. I've talked extensively with them about it as I feel like I owe it to them and it's important to me that they get that closure and know how much I love them but I can't continue on in this vain, they've known since I was 11 I've been depressed and suicidal, and we've had many cries and they are slowly understanding but still want me to stay ofc.

I have a lot of trauma from my family growing up due to not understanding my autism but they improved a lot this last year and I love them so much.

I'm planning to leave some thoughtful gifts for them each individually, also practical things to help with grieving process to make home life a bit easier to manage, I've written an extensive scheduled email and a handwritten note with dedicated songs to each of them. It's the hardest decision ever but I have to go through with it as there's no other way for me and I've been wanting to CTB for so so long.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, not really. How am I a monster for wanting to bring peace to myself? I want to be dead as I cannot find peace or enjoyment in living. For me, just merely being human is suffering and I see suicide as a way to prevent further suffering along the line. I don't see myself as a monster for that and I don't care as to what other people think either. Why should I care about what other people think when their desires to keep me alive goes against my best interests?

 

[Ash]

I feel so much guilt when I think about my dog. So then I hate myself even more which just increases the desire to CTB.

 

[UKscotty]

I think if we didn't feel guilt about other people we'd be gone already.

Those left behind are the ones who will suffer.

 

[strangelife]

I really feel guilty. I worry about my son, my loved ones hope that I will live long with my illness, but I don't want to live like this. I am not that happy person that I was before, I can't live with this physical pain and disability.
I don't think that I need to live like this

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's the opposite for me. I NEED to CTB because I am a monster. If allowed to continue to exist I will only continue to make certain people suffer more. The people who will be sad about my CTB might as well be Nazis crying over Hitler's suicide so their opinions don't matter.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not exactly a monster. I want to hang on for my Dad to go first anyhow. He's the last remaining person who really cares about me. Even if I felt like I couldn't hold on though, I don't think it's a monstrous thing to do exactly. Most of the time, I think it's just a desperate need to escape and the collateral damage is a terrible consequence. But yeah- I do still worry about what affect it might have on other people.

 

[pilotviolin]

yes. i feel like a waste of potential. i dont know. the morals of it all stresses me out. i feel like people would be angry, hurt, confused. i hate wanting something so irrational for someone in my situation.

 

[Ulrich]

I don't want to hurt my parents. They are such kind, loving people. I feel like I have betrayed them in a way. I can't enjoy life like they can, and they suffer on my account. I am really very cruel.

 

[Zvetok26]

I don't want to hurt my parents. They are such kind, loving people. I feel like I have betrayed them in a way. I can't enjoy life like they can, and they suffer on my account. I am really very cruel.

Hey, that's exactly how I feel. I know, I'm hurting them either way. I wish I never existed in the first place. Idk if I should believe in souls and such. But if I would, then I would wish that another soul than me had the chance to be their child. They deserve a child not a failure.

 

[lostmind38]

I know my brother will be hurt when I am gone but he has his own life, he will be sad, yes, but he will move on and I will stop being the burden I am.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I'm certainly not the problem but rather something so hellish and harmful as existence is. Wanting death is all that makes sense to me, honestly I just hate how I was brought into existence in the first place, I see procreating into this reality filled with endless risks and potential for the most extreme suffering to be unacceptable.

 

[Mayonaise]

I can relate to many of the posts here, especially @Ulrich's:

I don't want to hurt my parents. They are such kind, loving people. I feel like I have betrayed them in a way.

I've been carrying an enormous sense of guilt for almost 3 years now and sometimes it's excruciating. Like others have said, I wish my parents had a different son, because they deserved much better than me. But rationally, I know that I'm not a horrible person at all, and what I am is not my fault.

As for you, @GoroMajima13, the mere fact that you feel guilty shows that you're not a monster. 'Monsters' - although I really dislike this label - are unable to feel remorse or guilt, and hurt people for the sake of it, or simply because they cannot feel like they're causing pain to others. This is not what you are, not at all. In your own words, you 'care so much you hate it'. That's what you are, a hurting but caring human being