Does thinking about CTB make anyone else just really sad?

[crystalskies31]

As someone who's seriously imagining CTB, I can't help but feel sadness when I "play out" in my head the little film of what will happen.
I'm just sad that it's had to come to this, you know?
I feel sorry for myself and those around me.

In spite of everything. In spite of how hard everybody in my life tried. I really wish it wasn't this way. I don't even think I'm depressed, really - just aware enough of everything that has happened. I know I am a dead person walking, and I have been for years. There are many factors to this. It's not just a reaction to 1 thing but something I've thought through and it is due to many factors.

A part of me wants to stick around so I can just do some of the things I always wanted to, or see certain people and so on. But another part of me is so done. Just so so so done. And doesn't want to delay it any more. And is worried it will let SI win at the last moment or something when actually? I know I really want to do this.

It would be helpful to have some info or experiences on the final moments. I think I might just burst into tears alone because it would be so sad. Initially was feeling quite peaceful about CTB but now I just feel upset, haha. Also to be fair I've just been thinking about SS/CTB so much (all the time) maybe I'm just having enough of it

Any thoughts welcome!

 

[natali4]

I feel the same way. I have been actively thinking about ctb for a year now. The thought of ctb used to bring me peace, it doesn't anymore. It just makes me sad and anxious. I feel sad that my life has come to this. I want things to be better but I know there is nothing I can do anymore. I just don't have the energy to fight. It makes me sad that if I succeed in my ctb attempt, my family will be devastated. I also have bad anxiety which combined with SI makes it hard to ctb. I am just so tired. I feel like I don't have the courage to live or die.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It's very sad.

 

[OceanBlue]

It is sad, it would be great if I could disappear without leaving my body for someone to find or even remember.

Any kind of death would be at least as sad (or worse), so it comes down to rationalising your choice and preparing for the consequences.

For me death is definitely scary.

 

[thendfornow]

No i used to feel the exact same way whenever having suicidal thoughts i was feeling very sad for myself deep down. But very recently i reached a point where i can have suicidal thoughts all day and just not feel anything about it. It has became normal for me and im not even sad about it at all. But i understand. Just wanted to say its fine guys eventually y'all will reach the same state as me given enough time.

 

[OceanBlue]

But it's not fine, being desensitised to something sad does not make it less sad in itself. The cycle of births and deaths, powerless victims subjected to reality and their various ends, tragic lives, rotting bodies - how can it not be sad?

 

[crystalskies31]

I feel the same way. I have been actively thinking about ctb for a year now. The thought of ctb used to bring me peace, it doesn't anymore. It just makes me sad and anxious. I feel sad that my life has come to this. I want things to be better but I know there is nothing I can do anymore. I just don't have the energy to fight. It makes me sad that if I succeed in my ctb attempt, my family will be devastated. I also have bad anxiety which combined with SI makes it hard to ctb. I am just so tired. I feel like I don't have the courage to live or die.

I really relate

It is sad, it would be great if I could disappear without leaving my body for someone to find or even remember.

Any kind of death would be at least as sad (or worse), so it comes down to rationalising your choice and preparing for the consequences.

For me death is definitely scary.

Death is not scary to me.

Scary to me:
- being found
- anxiety
- family being upset

 

[an0n]

Having it constantly on your mind is exhausting too. By midday I am already too tired to do anything.

 

[crystalskies31]

Having it constantly on your mind is exhausting too. By midday I am already too tired to do anything.

My stomach hurts constantly from the anxiety.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

It's terrible.

 

[outrider567]

Sad, hopelessness, tears, relief

 

[QuietLake]

Yes. Really I just wish I could be normal and happy.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Uh, yeah. It aint no party with strippers, which would be a happy event.

 

[Al Cappella]

No, but I have spontaneous ideations even when nothing is wrong. It's annoying. Example: I'm in my little truck, rolling down the highway, nice day (I love driving)—I see a semi in the on-coming lanes, and I literally feel the urge to turn the wheel and crash. I can even see the crash in my mind's eye, it's so real. I've gotten used to it. I do feel anxiety wondering if I would ever actually do that, impulsively. I'd like to think the answer is no…

 

[SpinsterHag]

As someone who's seriously imagining CTB, I can't help but feel sadness when I "play out" in my head the little film of what will happen.
I'm just sad that it's had to come to this, you know?
I feel sorry for myself and those around me.

In spite of everything. In spite of how hard everybody in my life tried. I really wish it wasn't this way. I don't even think I'm depressed, really - just aware enough of everything that has happened. I know I am a dead person walking, and I have been for years. There are many factors to this. It's not just a reaction to 1 thing but something I've thought through and it is due to many factors.

A part of me wants to stick around so I can just do some of the things I always wanted to, or see certain people and so on. But another part of me is so done. Just so so so done. And doesn't want to delay it any more. And is worried it will let SI win at the last moment or something when actually? I know I really want to do this.

It would be helpful to have some info or experiences on the final moments. I think I might just burst into tears alone because it would be so sad. Initially was feeling quite peaceful about CTB but now I just feel upset, haha. Also to be fair I've just been thinking about SS/CTB so much (all the time) maybe I'm just having enough of it

Any thoughts welcome!

Holy crap, if I didn't know any better I'd swear I wrote your post. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 58 now and have felt exactly like you since I was 14.

 

[Lullaby]

I've been stuck with suicidal thoughts since I was kid, it's something I've never wanted. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll end up doing it, but I don't think it'll ever be a choice that I wanted it make.

There's a lot of things that I would like to happen and experience, that I don't think I'll get to. So instead of sticking around and experiencing more pain, disappointment, you figure you'll just go to save yourself from dealing with anymore of it.

I've always wanted to live, but I've never felt like I had a place here and that definitely makes me sad.

 

[crystalskies31]

Holy crap, if I didn't know any better I'd swear I wrote your post. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 58 now and have felt exactly like you since I was 14.

I can PM you my age
It was powerful to read how much you related. I guess we are not the only ones. I've been feeling this way since my teenage years too.

I've been stuck with suicidal thoughts since I was kid, it's something I've never wanted. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll end up doing it, but I don't think it'll ever be a choice that I wanted it make.

There's a lot of things that I would like to happen and experience, that I don't think I'll get to. So instead of sticking around and experiencing more pain, disappointment, you figure you'll just go to save yourself from dealing with anymore of it.

I've always wanted to live, but I've never felt like I had a place here and that definitely makes me sad.

Yes exactly. Especially not having a place here

 

[SpinsterHag]

I've been stuck with suicidal thoughts since I was kid, it's something I've never wanted. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll end up doing it, but I don't think it'll ever be a choice that I wanted it make.

There's a lot of things that I would like to happen and experience, that I don't think I'll get to. So instead of sticking around and experiencing more pain, disappointment, you figure you'll just go to save yourself from dealing with anymore of it.

I've always wanted to live, but I've never felt like I had a place here and that definitely makes me sad.

I've been living like this since I was 14, I'm now 58. It ONLY gets WORSE as the years go by.

 

[FractalTears]

Yes it does, but it no longer gives much relief it also makes me feel a bit conflicted.. when i was a kid it felt better to think about it.

 

[ntb1992]

Yes yes yes. I'm so certain that I want to go very soon but it also makes me so sad.

 

[CantGetUp]

It is upsetting. I wish I didn't feel this way. I want to be ok and just freaking live! I feel like I can't. I try and try but it's not working for me.

I don't know. I'm just sad and angry and tired and numb. Why can't I just be ok?! Damn, not even happy, just ok.

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this.

 

[SpinsterHag]

I can PM you my age
It was powerful to read how much you related. I guess we are not the only ones. I've been feeling this way since my teenage years too.

Yes exactly. Especially not having a place here

Life is pure torture for me. I'm such a fuckin coward that I stay alive to continue being tortured.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I feel sad that I dont get to live the life i want so it has to come to this, but it is even sadder to live a life that you can't be happy with. CTBing is the lesser of the two evils for me.

 

[SpinsterHag]

I've been stuck with suicidal thoughts since I was kid, it's something I've never wanted. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll end up doing it, but I don't think it'll ever be a choice that I wanted it make.

There's a lot of things that I would like to happen and experience, that I don't think I'll get to. So instead of sticking around and experiencing more pain, disappointment, you figure you'll just go to save yourself from dealing with anymore of it.

I've always wanted to live, but I've never felt like I had a place here and that definitely makes me sad.

Exactly!!!!!! It's pure torture for me. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be my day. Hang on one more day. The next day comes, and I'm still this pathetic, worthless, vile, putrid piece of human waste....

 

[Chronic]

Yeah, I just want to be free of pain and suffering and, sadly, death just happens to be the last resort option towards that goal.

 

[outatime_85]

I know I should have died a long time ago.

I also know I am living on borrowed time as suicidal thoughts have plagued me since I was a kid.

That said, at this stage of my life, death or dying no longer bothers me.

Also, no one in my world would be upset over my loss.

I think most of them would simply go about their daily routine with little thought of my dying. This, of course, is after sitting around for a short time saying, "Why didn't they ask for help?"

In the end, there is no room for someone like me in this world anymore.

 

[Sm42]

It is very sad and scary at the same time. I'd love to be able to be my old me but it won't happen. Thinking about dieying makes me cry but staying in this world is every day more painful.

 

[mykitsune]

yeah it is kinda sad huh

my brain function has just gone down so much that i can barely process emotions now

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Going to change my answer. Given that it is either CTB or live a life I don't want, I am looking forward to CTBing. I am just waiting for my sister to get out of inpatient so my mother has one child around when I do.

 

[outrider567]

I feel like I'm drowning sometimes