hey life! 🖕 🖕 right back at ya!
Jul 1, 2020
if youre feeling silenced does it matter what the situation is? im not even sure i should be posting this but i need to vent and get it out of my head.

he says he loves me. he says he never means to. but hes making me feel worse. just a day or so ago he "got upset" at me for having anxiety, something he knows. none of this should be a question to you. there were 2 male strangers outside the vehicle, no way in hell was i doing it. "well ive never done this one before" im sorry did you miss the panic attack? and then today. my ptsd was acting up and i got dressed (just got out of the shower) "you dont want to have sex" "well..see how the night goes" and then he didnt say a fucking word to me for the rest of the night. no i didnt tell him my ptsd was acting up but he knows i have problems and maybe id keep him more up to date with shit if these werent the kind of fucking reactions i got. "oh well we can go to couples therapy now" its too late i dont want to talk about it. every time i try to talk to you i feel like im not getting a good reaction from you. im an abuse victim. im traumatized. work with me a little please because seriously, the only thing youre doing is making it worse. you keep saying youll get better. you keep saying shit. and you keep falling back down. i havent been counting but i think ive given you way too many second tries.

i just feel like i cant talk to him and i think its so engrained that it wont change now.....


Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Dec 4, 2020
Sometimes I just dont know what to say .... except we're listening.
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hey life! 🖕 🖕 right back at ya!
Jul 1, 2020
Ok... Over view of the situation.

I do love him.
I'm not in his mind so I can only base it on what I see.
I have mental problems and was fucked over by just about everyone.
He seems to love me.
He says it.
He seems to do try.
I showed my friend this thread last night.
He already knows everything and is more up to date then my husband because he's someone that doesn't give those types of reactions so I feel "semi" comfortable talking to him. The can't part is caused by my own self hatred and I should just shut up. So he's not at fault.
He said he wouldn't see me on the streets.
I told him I can't then I finally told him why. He just knows to much.
My husband offers financial support/stability at the very least. Helping me with my hobbies/career.
But I need someone I can talk to.....

"you're not addicted"
Was something he told me in the past.
You're not in my head. I'm getting sick and fucking tired of him putting me off like that. That's why I am where I am.
I need a therapist.
If you want but I'm concerned they're just gonna give you a bunch of drugs.
Good job, now I need those drugs and I can't take them.

I love him... But I just can't keep fucking doing this

I see my situation..... And I don't like it.....its so fucking conflicting
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