Discussion Does the mask slip from time to time? How hard is it for you to maintain it?

[ringo99]

I'm literally screaming inside everyday. Just continuing to live is a hellish experience for me but I have to stick it out for another year at least. At work and when I go out I put on this mask of neutrality but it's such a struggle. Sometimes I break and start snapping at colleagues and occasionally random people. The people I meet these days are only those I absolutely need. I've given up trying to form relationships. Over time I seem to be losing it more and more. Maybe it's because I've decided to ctb and I'm unconsciously realizing that I have nothing to lose by just letting it out. I feel terrible afterwards but also a sort of grim satisfaction in knowing that fewer people will miss me when I'm gone.

How do you handle it? Does the same thing happen to you too?

 

[Aisley]

My masks slip rarely and/but sometimes without notice. Someone sings the wrong obscure stupid song, and I have a panicky moment of trying to scramble pieces back together. That kind of slipping happens without notice, obviously. People can't be controlled, unfortunately. And the masks are layered over masks, so it takes some time to repair. And then a few days of paranoia because someone may have seen something real in me, and the layering is still in repair mode.

Normally I have songs (again with the songs, but music is sometimes my all) that I heavily associate with a calm or null or numbed state, and I pull one or more of them up in my head and hit play, loudly. And stay there until bed time or home time comes again. I've passed many a day in such a way, and don't really remember most of it. Don't know if that'll help you, but it mostly works for me.

 

[deomlez]

...
omg...
the mask rarely slips... after covid, when i came out after the 2nd confinment, it was sooo hard to put this mask again, that my colleagues don t recognized me. Then after one day, i was able to hide again. (To be clear, i don t talk about covid mask ofc).
People don t want to see. Even when you are really yourself, they don t see anything. And when you just tell them the truth about you, they don t trust or don t understand or don t accept.
I hate this mask and i hate over all being able to put it and being this smart woman, well appreciate by almost everybody. Sometimes i am only ruins in a armor, i walk but all in me is only huge pain.
Many many thanks to talk about this.
And the same with music. I really listen to music most of the time, even in work, cis it helps le to cut from the world. Or my brain plays music if needed. But it never able to hide my thoughts...

 

[alonely]

I am in a place mentally rn that I just can't mask. I have avoided going outside nearly entirely for the past month.

 

[Leastofall]

I've accidentally slipped up many times, and it's bitten me in the ass a few times too. Especially making accidental "jokes" about my own desire to die, or drunkenly telling a friend I thought MAID should be universal because "some of us look fine but are ready to check the fuck outta here"... they no longer talk to me, surprise surprise.

People have also begun noticing I'm very checked-out/dead behind the eyes over the last few years. When I have to socialize at work I feel like I have to manually move my face to show whatever emotion they want to see, and I've been accused of being fake by several people, so maybe it's not working anymore. But the truth is I only have the energy to care about maybe 2-3 people in my life, nothing and no one else is important and I'm tired of acting like I care.

 

[abdelrahman]

I literally don't have a single person in my life. So sometimes I will slip at work and I feel terrible afterwards because these poor people are just shocked sometimes

 

[Shaylla1998]

When I was in high school, about 9 years ago, I used to wear a mask. It would slip all the time, almost on a daily basis, as I allowed my emotions to guide me. However, in my 19s-20s, I made the decision to stop doing that.

Nowadays, I have completely abandoned the idea of wearing masks. I no longer concern myself with the opinions or judgments of others outside the confines of my own home. I rarely leave the house.

Throughout 2021, I only left my house on three occasions. Then, in early 2022, I found employment that made me feel like I needed to put on a metaphorical mask again. Unfortunately, the situation took a toll on my mental well-being, and I had to quit the job. My last day of work was in May 2022, and since then, I have not left the house again.

Society expects me to wear a mask, but I find it nearly impossible to comply. Putting on a facade does not go well with me, and the effort it requires outweighs any potential benefits. The labor involved in maintaining this mask is overwhelming, while the rewards it brings are meager in comparison. Therefore, I choose not to invest my energy in conforming to societal expectations.

 

[Unattainable666]

I'm literally screaming inside everyday. Just continuing to live is a hellish experience for me but I have to stick it out for another year at least. At work and when I go out I put on this mask of neutrality but it's such a struggle. Sometimes I break and start snapping at colleagues and occasionally random people. The people I meet these days are only those I absolutely need. I've given up trying to form relationships. Over time I seem to be losing it more and more. Maybe it's because I've decided to ctb and I'm unconsciously realizing that I have nothing to lose by just letting it out. I feel terrible afterwards but also a sort of grim satisfaction in knowing that fewer people will miss me when I'm gone.

How do you handle it? Does the same thing happen to you too?

I gave up on trying to hide my feelings a long time ago. It took too much energy for me to put on a mask and pretend everything was alright. Now they just see me as some kind of nut case, which quite honestly I don't give a fuck what they think. My motto is "Walk in my shoes and you can judge me - until that time keep your mouth shut!"