Discussion Does recovery appeal to you?

[15dec]

So I was thinking if the idea of recovery was still appealing to me. The idea is great -living without being sad all the time, not being a bad person, you get the idea. Sadly the chances of me getting any kind of suitable treatment with my family and the mental health services themselves is next to none so I'm probably stuck waiting to ctb until I can finally do it. But what do you guys think, would you want to recover or do you think you're beyond saving?

 

[NotWorthLiving]

As much as I want to enjoy this life and be saved I think I am beyond saving. If I can be saved its gonna take a lot of work

 

[therhydler]

Of course I want to recover... I want it desperately. At the same time I know 100% it is not going to happen...

 

[Miss clefable]

I can't no I'm messed up

 

[Help_Me]

I wish I could recover, but it is impossible and never actually was... a life trap and no turning back.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Recovery is the latest greatest thing in shrink world & yes it is a great idea, but i have been going through the process of depression & recovering a life again after for 30 odd yrs now, and its tiring to say the least, so yes i accept that i can have a few ok years in-between but as the depression always returns then recovery becomes just survival, i think having tried for so many years its only fair that i decide its not a game i want to keep on playing.

If you have the chance to try to then please do as i have had the pleasure of meeting plenty of folks who have been able to get help & go on to live.

 

[Mljonzy]

No i know deep down that this is part of my personality i'm fucked up in too many ways and not an army of shrinks or a hospital full of meds will change me.

 

[Jodes]

So I was thinking if the idea of recovery was still appealing to me. The idea is great -living without being sad all the time, not being a bad person, you get the idea. Sadly the chances of me getting any kind of suitable treatment with my family and the mental health services themselves is next to none so I'm probably stuck waiting to ctb until I can finally do it. But what do you guys think, would you want to recover or do you think you're beyond saving?

I'm really glad you asked this question. Sorry... long rant to follow. It really frustrates me. Suicide seems so simple, and life so fucking complicated. Yet I'm not strictly suffering right now other than I'm having to face life. I preferred my tunnel vision.

As I see it in my current state: If I full recovered and managed to change my personality then awesome. Assuming I had the effort. I'm fed up of the therapy alone. The root is the problem with my personality. Something they say "cannot be cured", but "learnt to live with". So yeh, I'm not hot on the recovery level nor the "journey".

I'm stuck on the fence. Well and truly wedged in there. In that shitty limbo between wanting to be gone but some fucked up beyond reason holding us here. I cannot stop looking towards death. I try to feel it. Anything else I've realised is just more or less, stress. And I can't look beyond that. I'm either fixated on death or pain.. But I have obligations and drives in life which while alive force me back from the edge: it would hurt people. It would help if I knew what it would be like a while after I'm gone. How much will my closest mourn, and will they then be better off without me?

I saw it happen with guinea pigs when the alpha died. The others did mourn in their own way for a few days. But then then they all started exhibiting more positive behaviours. young ones were far less bullied, the beta got more control, the idiot got more food. The group was more stable. But guinea pigs are not humans, despite the fucking parallels. (... and I'm hardly an alpha. Random point. Anyway. ....)

I wish things had been different. So. ... Will I do it? When? I've come so close. Enough times. I'm tired of this shit. Besides my attempts, I just seem to always hang on that little bit ....fucking longer. But it's been so long that most of what I hung on for is a distant fucking memory. If I'm selfish, I dont even know what I'm fucking hanging on for anymore. Naive fucking dreams. Fuck life. Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[okyeah]

My parents fucked my life up and it has snowballed into what I am today. I am beyond help. Maybe i could try to go to grad school. But I can't even do that now because I have 0 references. It's so funny how the system is able to filter someone out. I have 0 friends that I like anyway. I have no life. I don't see any future worth living. If there was actual help out there maybe I wouldn't be in such a jam. But I'd rather commit suicide than face these absurd problems. I'm just not a go getter. I am not driven by money or power or anything. Nothing is really worth doing when everything feels like work.
My Nembutal cannot get here soon enough, I need to get the fuck out of this pointless existence.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Nope, no recovery for me. I want my Morphine Milkshake ASAP.

 

[15dec]

As much as I want to enjoy this life and be saved I think I am beyond saving. If I can be saved its gonna take a lot of work

I know how you feel, it's take so much work to fix everything wrong in my life and make me better and I just don't have the energy to carry on until that can happen

 

[15dec]

Of course I want to recover... I want it desperately. At the same time I know 100% it is not going to happen...

So do I, I don't want to die exactly I just want all the pain and heartache I cause and feel to stop. It's just not going to happen though, it'll just take far too long for me to get any kind of treatment plan or help

 

[15dec]

I can't no I'm messed up

Sending you hugs

 

[15dec]

Recovery is the latest greatest thing in shrink world & yes it is a great idea, but i have been going through the process of depression & recovering a life again after for 30 odd yrs now, and its tiring to say the least, so yes i accept that i can have a few ok years in-between but as the depression always returns then recovery becomes just survival, i think having tried for so many years its only fair that i decide its not a game i want to keep on playing.

If you have the chance to try to then please do as i have had the pleasure of meeting plenty of folks who have been able to get help & go on to live.

I've been trying to recover since I started feeling so depressed about five and a half years ago, sadly nothing comes from it, it'll take months for me to see a psychiatrist to get a treatment plan and I just don't have the energy anymore as much as I want to try. I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life like this. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it for so long by the way, sending hugs

 

[Sanguinius]

I'd love to live, but with this pain, it isn't a life, it is only existing.

 

[1234dave]

Of course I want to recover... I want it desperately. At the same time I know 100% it is not going to happen...

this

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I'd love to find a point in life and not have to disappoint all my friends and family, but that's never gonna happen lmao

 

[Severen]

No because humanity is fucked... Not just me. We are all fucked...

 

[TAW122]

I have reached the point of no return in terms of recovery right now. I have no future endeavors in life other than just a matter of ctb'ing. I'm 28 and I don't see anything much better looking forward to in life. I believe I've seen 98% (barring some really amazing experiences that I would not have access to nor the vast majority of people - due to finances and connections) of what there is to experience in life, and so far it's not appealing enough for me to WANT to get those things. Also, ever since I was born, I've had narrow interests, partially owing it to Aspergers, but also since I'm just not like other people (nor can other people understand why...) where the average Joe has a myriad of many interests out there.

 

[Morbid Cam]

I think I would feel a bit better if things would actually work out for me in life at least sometimes instead of constantly getting doors slammed in my face and a bleak future.

 

[lululoo]

Only if recovery meant emotional and physical recovery and having a partner and not shitty friends.

 

[Whatshername]

No, or very rarely. I fought for a long time. As long as there was something/someone worth fighting for. It's no longer the case, I'm just tired.

 

[Letmego. Please]

I've been trying to recover since I started feeling so depressed about five and a half years ago, sadly nothing comes from it, it'll take months for me to see a psychiatrist to get a treatment plan and I just don't have the energy anymore as much as I want to try. I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life like this. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it for so long by the way, sending hugs

Thank you for your kind thoughts, crazy how the words of someone i'll never met can sometimes mean so much. Hugs back at ya.

I really do feel for you, when i started my journey with the nutty police in 1992 there still was a functioning system backed up with proper funding, enough beds & staff that had options for how to best help you, nowdays it is just an illusion of a service, months to see a shrink & then all they can do is suggest this pill or that pill, no proper therapy. There were some figures released recently on waiting times, if you turned up at your Gp's with mild/moderate depression then you would have started treatment (be that anti D's or the top NHS fav of ITalk, a bullshit phone cbt type therapy that only deals with 'simple issues') within 8 weeks, but if you presented with more serious minty health problems then you would wait 16 weeks just to be assessed, with treatment hopefully starting within 6mths, i mean seriously how fucked up is that?
I just wish you still had the same chances at 'recovery' as i had back in the 90's, it makes me so fucking angry, sorry

 

[furax53]

I would like to live as before but the disease makes it necessary that I finish

 

[Sundayafternoon]

there's no such thing as recovery. You'll still die.

 

[Thoughtforms]

I would think everyone would choose a different option than ctb if a viable one was present. People want to CTB because they can't see one

None of us really want to be here :(

I feel like most people here have suffered for a longtime and have tried recovery

 

[Watson]

I used to want to recover.

I used to think I could recover.

Sadly, as more time passes I feel that this shell of a person is who I truly am, and to change that would mean to change me entirely.

Though life is not worth living currently as who I am.... I don't know if life would be worth living as something as I'm not.

 

[Skathon]

Any "recovery" would be impossible in my case, unfortunately, for the problem is my mind itself.

 

[Lra888]

I'm so messed up. I think "recover to what?" a career or some bullshit job for decades? It's probably too late.
There were times I though things would be okay but they fell apart again. Things keep going wrong.
Some people can never be steered toward normalcy. I just can't be made to feel that things will somehow turn acceptable.

 

[dyingtodie]

Considering the world wide ecological collapse, the mass extinctions and abrupt extreme weather events, I do not think any of us, even the happiest, stablest, most balanced person, have much time left on planet Earth. This line of thought steals my motivation to take care of myself in ways that would alleviate my severe depression and offer me more fun and fruitful days. Plus...I have not met any person who is interested in connecting at the level of depth that I'm interested in. I'd rather be alone than have superficial relationships. Plus there is toxic radiation covering the Earth, from cell phones/wifi etc from which there are few places to hide, and I get headaches and nausea from these death rays.
If you decide to ctb after reading this, I'm sorry, and, you're welcome :) I'll be ctb soon enough myself, just as soon as I shake off the final delusion that I can be healthy and sane in a profoundly sick, twisted and insane world that's turned this once beautiful planet into a cesspool of death, worse than any Hell I could have envisioned when they threatened me with damnation in catholic school. Feeling so ready to go for it soon, yet I'm also enjoying the radical freedom and surreal perspective of living my last days knowing I just need to step that other foot through the door, and I'm out.