Personally it makes a difference for me. But it is not an absolute game-changer. Not sure how long this thread will become. I have a lot to say.
My closest friends care a lot about me. They support me and give me a lot of strength. Though I don't exactly mean that by caring. I don't mean the actual support you get because other people care about you. I rather mean things like people thinking of you. People remembering you. They know that you suffer and worry about you. But you don't have that much contact with them. So the support is rather indirect.
Why do I have this in mind? I opened up to a lot of people about my story. I was in many clinics and talked to many different professionals. Some truely cared, some clearly did not like their job. Moreover we had no good chemistry. 4 years ago two professionals (one was my therapist and the other two were at a clinic where I was it is complicated) gave me up. They knew about my treatment resistant suicidality. It is a complex story and I explained it a thousand times. My therapist said something like the following after I was fired. "You are smart enough to realize that you cannot hold a job. It would be easier for you just to give up. You know you can't do anything about it." She recommended a clinic stay. I slightly paraphrased to make it shorter. I wanted to continue therapy with her but she declined. When I asked her whether she can help me to find a new therapist she told me. "They are all very busy and I shold not cling to that."
The therapist was very bad at her job. The conclusion that I am an hopeless case is probably right but because of way different reasons that she described. She was really a horrific incompetent psychologist (even with a PhD). She was quite pale when she told me these words but afterwards we never met again. I think she forgot me withhin some weeks.
To that time another therapist this time from the clinic gave me up. Also because I was fired. Both concluded I will probably kill myself if I am unable to secure a stable income. Again this conclusion is probably right. But he was a way more skilled therapist on many different levels. He knew more about my well-being just by looking at me than the other therapist after a lot of therapy sessions which is quite insane when you think about it. The people from the clinic worried a lot about me. The psychiatrist even quit her job and I could imagine my case might played a role in that. The last time we spoke to each other she looked extremely exhausted and clearly worried a lot about me. They knew I am suicidal and that I don't really see a way out of it. But this suicidality was persistent and they had no evidence how acute it was. I kind of tried to prepare them to give me up. Or how they can cope better with my suicide. It is all very complicated and retrospectively exactly this behavior made it way worse for them. I could now blame it on me but honestly I was a complete mess and a mental wreck at that time. I was cornered and just survived from day to day.
I think these people worried a lot about me. Probably too much. There were reasons for that. They experienced my acute suicidality and build a strong connection to my case. I think many therapists sympathize with me because I mirror them in some parts. I am intelligent (to a certain degree), articulate, analytical, I try to be a good person and I try to be self-aware. The therapists not necessarily are like that but they like that notion of themselves. Interestingly I experienced that other older men (patients) in clinics projected themselves onto myself. There were some weird dudes who said things like "we have to make place for the younger generation for people like NONAME223". He did exactly say my username by the way. (kappa). It was kind of cringe when he said that. And I thought well the younger generation will probably kill himself before the old one is even dead.
This was a little bit off-topic. I just wanted to emphasize that some of them build a deep emotional connection to me. Another reason for that is probably my child abuse story and the tragedy that comes a long with it. The therapist who cares so much about me has a clear dichotomy. Everyone who takes drugs is responsible for their own misery. I think that helps him to cope with his job to deal with young people who ruined their lives and now face hell. One time he joked he wished I would smoke some weed. To that time he thought I was acute suicidal and might do it soon. This psychologist and psychiatrist from that clinic worried way too much about me. My plan to prepare them so that my suicide is easier for them fully backfired. However I was mentally extremely fucked and to that time that seemed to be a good plan. I thought I would have to kill myself instantly when I started a job. Because I falsely assumed I would relapse immediately facing the stress.
I try to sum the story up. The one psychiatrist quit the job in the clinic. I suspect another case of a suicidal delusional bipolar woman played a role in that. But that is solely speculation. The other one is now very optimistic about me and is very happy that I am able to attend college. He perceives the recent minor success as a gamechanger. There are many reasons why this hope is pretty naive. Though I don't want to ruin his mood. It is complicated. But I try to let my environment enjoy this potential hope for a stable income/good future. It is all fake and pretty hopeless. I do it anyway to avoid self-fulfiling prophecies. But I pretend that everyhing works out for the sake of their well-being.
And here comes again the question of the title into play. In my case it is pretty specific. It is good that I have a place where I can stop playing that charade. For example in this forum and with my close friends. Though it does not give me much when my parents worry so much about me. Or if these professionals in that clinic can't stop worrying about me. The psychiatrist looked like she had severe insomnia for a couple of months. And the psychologist had so often an extreme red face when we talked. It looked very unhealthy.
I don't benefit when people become ill because of me. Personally I have to it feels better when they have this naive notion of an happy future. I don't want that other innocent people suffer because of me.
Moreover there is the question whether it makes sense to make funerals or trying to think a lot about dead people in general. I don't really think it matters for me. I mean when I am dead I am dead. I rather have the feeling funerals are for the people who have to live with the loss of a beloved person. However I think it might be helpful to remember my case. I am a good example how damaging and lethal child abuse can be. Maybe some other lives could be saved if people knew my story. Though this is rather wishful thinking I guess.
Again quite a long thread.
Does it matter to you?
My closest friends care a lot about me. They support me and give me a lot of strength. Though I don't exactly mean that by caring. I don't mean the actual support you get because other people care about you. I rather mean things like people thinking of you. People remembering you. They know that you suffer and worry about you. But you don't have that much contact with them. So the support is rather indirect.
Why do I have this in mind? I opened up to a lot of people about my story. I was in many clinics and talked to many different professionals. Some truely cared, some clearly did not like their job. Moreover we had no good chemistry. 4 years ago two professionals (one was my therapist and the other two were at a clinic where I was it is complicated) gave me up. They knew about my treatment resistant suicidality. It is a complex story and I explained it a thousand times. My therapist said something like the following after I was fired. "You are smart enough to realize that you cannot hold a job. It would be easier for you just to give up. You know you can't do anything about it." She recommended a clinic stay. I slightly paraphrased to make it shorter. I wanted to continue therapy with her but she declined. When I asked her whether she can help me to find a new therapist she told me. "They are all very busy and I shold not cling to that."
The therapist was very bad at her job. The conclusion that I am an hopeless case is probably right but because of way different reasons that she described. She was really a horrific incompetent psychologist (even with a PhD). She was quite pale when she told me these words but afterwards we never met again. I think she forgot me withhin some weeks.
To that time another therapist this time from the clinic gave me up. Also because I was fired. Both concluded I will probably kill myself if I am unable to secure a stable income. Again this conclusion is probably right. But he was a way more skilled therapist on many different levels. He knew more about my well-being just by looking at me than the other therapist after a lot of therapy sessions which is quite insane when you think about it. The people from the clinic worried a lot about me. The psychiatrist even quit her job and I could imagine my case might played a role in that. The last time we spoke to each other she looked extremely exhausted and clearly worried a lot about me. They knew I am suicidal and that I don't really see a way out of it. But this suicidality was persistent and they had no evidence how acute it was. I kind of tried to prepare them to give me up. Or how they can cope better with my suicide. It is all very complicated and retrospectively exactly this behavior made it way worse for them. I could now blame it on me but honestly I was a complete mess and a mental wreck at that time. I was cornered and just survived from day to day.
I think these people worried a lot about me. Probably too much. There were reasons for that. They experienced my acute suicidality and build a strong connection to my case. I think many therapists sympathize with me because I mirror them in some parts. I am intelligent (to a certain degree), articulate, analytical, I try to be a good person and I try to be self-aware. The therapists not necessarily are like that but they like that notion of themselves. Interestingly I experienced that other older men (patients) in clinics projected themselves onto myself. There were some weird dudes who said things like "we have to make place for the younger generation for people like NONAME223". He did exactly say my username by the way. (kappa). It was kind of cringe when he said that. And I thought well the younger generation will probably kill himself before the old one is even dead.
This was a little bit off-topic. I just wanted to emphasize that some of them build a deep emotional connection to me. Another reason for that is probably my child abuse story and the tragedy that comes a long with it. The therapist who cares so much about me has a clear dichotomy. Everyone who takes drugs is responsible for their own misery. I think that helps him to cope with his job to deal with young people who ruined their lives and now face hell. One time he joked he wished I would smoke some weed. To that time he thought I was acute suicidal and might do it soon. This psychologist and psychiatrist from that clinic worried way too much about me. My plan to prepare them so that my suicide is easier for them fully backfired. However I was mentally extremely fucked and to that time that seemed to be a good plan. I thought I would have to kill myself instantly when I started a job. Because I falsely assumed I would relapse immediately facing the stress.
I try to sum the story up. The one psychiatrist quit the job in the clinic. I suspect another case of a suicidal delusional bipolar woman played a role in that. But that is solely speculation. The other one is now very optimistic about me and is very happy that I am able to attend college. He perceives the recent minor success as a gamechanger. There are many reasons why this hope is pretty naive. Though I don't want to ruin his mood. It is complicated. But I try to let my environment enjoy this potential hope for a stable income/good future. It is all fake and pretty hopeless. I do it anyway to avoid self-fulfiling prophecies. But I pretend that everyhing works out for the sake of their well-being.
And here comes again the question of the title into play. In my case it is pretty specific. It is good that I have a place where I can stop playing that charade. For example in this forum and with my close friends. Though it does not give me much when my parents worry so much about me. Or if these professionals in that clinic can't stop worrying about me. The psychiatrist looked like she had severe insomnia for a couple of months. And the psychologist had so often an extreme red face when we talked. It looked very unhealthy.
I don't benefit when people become ill because of me. Personally I have to it feels better when they have this naive notion of an happy future. I don't want that other innocent people suffer because of me.
Moreover there is the question whether it makes sense to make funerals or trying to think a lot about dead people in general. I don't really think it matters for me. I mean when I am dead I am dead. I rather have the feeling funerals are for the people who have to live with the loss of a beloved person. However I think it might be helpful to remember my case. I am a good example how damaging and lethal child abuse can be. Maybe some other lives could be saved if people knew my story. Though this is rather wishful thinking I guess.
Again quite a long thread.
Does it matter to you?
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