Discussion Does it make sense to keep going past your experation date as a prostitute or end it on your peak?

[Akaidarafox]

I am wondering for quite some time if CTB is a good way for me to end a good time. I feel like dragging out a time with pure misery and depression after you already peaked and had a great time feels wrong and well downright unbearable to me.

Without going into specifics I am working in street prostitution for almost 10 years now and I turned 29 years old this year. I can feel that I am becoming too old and undesirable by many guys and even by the person that takes care of my money and clients. Frankly he barely talks to me anymore and is busy with the younger girls and I get less and less customers and more and more abuse.
On top of that I also have a heavy drug addiction and I barely make enough money. Part of my earnings go to him and my monthly expenses and the rest goes towards my habit.
I have had a great time but I feel like soon I will end up fully on the streets with no money, no qualifications, no friends and no perspective. It has been a good ride but I am also a realist and I do know it can't be great forever.
I know plastic surgery and the like is an option but in the end I don't have the money for that and it would still always just be a run against the clock to be desirable enough to work in the industry.

Since I have nobody to talk to I am looking for thoughts and help here.
Does my thought process make sense? Am I missing something?

I am just unsure if dragging on past your experation date filled with depression makes sense and what to do.

 

[jodes2]

It sounds like it's time to move onto greener pastures. Surgery sounds like a bad idea, it could so easily go wrong and costs a fortune. Try kicking your drug habit asap, save up a bit of money and get away from the abuse. Once you're free of drugs, a regular job will be able to support you. You're still relatively young and can get experience in a new line of work. Find a job where there are nice, supportive people. This is your prompt to turn things around! Invest in your future, starting now. Little steps, try and do what's good for you you had a good run, experienced things many don't, had a great time, and now the sun is setting on those times and it's time to start a new life. You're only 29, plenty of youth left in you still! Find new ways to enjoy it and make the most of what you have. You have it in you to learn new skills and make a new career. Just kick the drugs, bite the bullet and look for a stable job. You can do it hon

 

[Viranamari]

Your job is not nice whether it is a 19 or 29-year-old. Perhaps you can try another career. I suggest against surgery and your current job. Maybe you can aim for a slightly better job for your first step? You are very young so perhaps you can try another line of work, it is never too late. Take one action at a time, you can accomplish anything. Also, try to restrict the number of drugs you use. It might seem impossible at first but it is accomplishable slowly but surely. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Akaidarafox]

Thanks you two for the encouraging words.
The problem is that I kinda tried all of that already. It's impossible for me to get away from the drugs, nor do I even want to as I have no negative effects yet it makes life bearable. As far as another job goes - well nobody wants to take street hooker. I tried, nobody really wants me and it broke me. What makes it harder is that I am living in a country where I don't speak the language well and I am also heavily in debt. Honestly I am fully at a dead end or at least slowly but steadily get towards it. Apart from that I know I would feel horrible doing a miserable job even if I would somehow get one. All I am good at is pleasing men and I don't want to deceive myself.

I doubt I will be able to shake this feeling, part of me has already accepted it. I hope I don't sound too miserable but is it really worth to keep going then when you could try to find a point where you get to decide yourself?

 

[Akaidarafox]

Gosh I am feeling down. The more I read about ctb methods the more I realize I don't even have the money for many of them

 

[GreenTree]

29 is young. You shouldn't lose your looks until 45 at the earliest.

 

[Akaidarafox]

Even if I make it 4,5 or even 6 years longer or maybe even longer, where does it end? It's a joke and I am just usefull as a doll for men. I don't think I can keep going like that forever

 

[GreenTree]

Yes try and get a different job. I'm sure you can.

 

[Akaidarafox]

As I said...I tried. I did easily over 200 applications but people obviously don't want a hooker, let alone an addicted one

 

[Beer]

As I said...I tried. I did easily over 200 applications but people obviously don't want a hooker, let alone an addicted one

Can't you just lie (not mentioning your current job) and make them perceive you as the type of person they'd want to hire?

 

[Akaidarafox]

Can't you just lie (not mentioning your current job) and make them perceive you as the type of person they'd want to hire?

That I tried as well. Have been invited to some interviews. Always ended up with those people looking at me like I am weird. I think I am simply not used to be very sociable outside of hooking with men maybe, I don't know but it never worked so far. I have to simply accept it won't work

 

[Beer]

That I tried as well. Have been invited to some interviews. Always ended up with those people looking at me like I am weird. I think I am simply not used to be very sociable outside of hooking with men maybe, I don't know but it never worked so far. I have to simply accept it won't work

Yeah I'd say that in that case there's something about you that's off putting to them. that you aren't able to clearly identify. I'd say to keep applying to jobs. Eventually you're bound to get something. I'm pretty sure you could say certain stuff that would increase your odds, even if it's lying, like saying you have had some experience in the field. Basically just telling them what they want to hear, even if it's not true but withing reason.

 

[Akaidarafox]

Yeah I'd say that in that case there's something about you that's off putting to them. that you aren't able to clearly identify. I'd say to keep applying to jobs. Eventually you're bound to get something. I'm pretty sure you could say certain stuff that would increase your odds, even if it's lying, like saying you have had some experience in the field. Basically just telling them what they want to hear, even if it's not true but withing reason.

I don't even want the responsibilities of a shitty job. If it comes to that then ctb is by far the better solution but I am a very scared type and that's probably one of the reasons I haven't gone further yet. I just want to get rid of the stress of it all and get it over with, is that weird?

 

[RichardFirst]

I don't even want the responsibilities of a shitty job. If it comes to that then ctb is by far the better solution but I am a very scared type and that#s probably one of the reasons I haven't gone further yet. I just want to get rid of the stress of it all and get it over with, is that weird?

It's not weird at all. I think that stress is a major motivation in anyone's desire to CTB.

 

[Akaidarafox]

It's not weird at all. I think that stress is a major motivation in anyone's desire to CTB.

Thank you, you are the only person so far that seems to understand me

 

[leeloosnow]

As I said...I tried. I did easily over 200 applications but people obviously don't want a hooker, let alone an addicted one

would you consider going to rehab? i understand where you're coming from, and the addiction is part of what's tying you to him. ppl have spent years beating the fact into your mind that "all you're good at is pleasing men" and "i can't quit drugs" and "i can't work a normie job" when none of that is true, it's just common things ppl will say to you to control you and get what they want from you. i wasted years living up to the terrible labels ppl put on me, and you know, none of it was true at all. depending where you are there are a lot of resources for victims of abuse and such, some may even get you back to your home country. can family help you? i'm guessing not, but tryin' to think of something for ya. dm's open if you ever wanna chat abt this. all the best to ya sis <3 hugs.

 

[Akaidarafox]

would you consider going to rehab? i understand where you're coming from, and the addiction is part of what's tying you to him. ppl have spent years beating the fact into your mind that "all you're good at is pleasing men" and "i can't quit drugs" and "i can't work a normie job" when none of that is true, it's just common things ppl will say to you to control you and get what they want from you. i wasted years living up to the terrible labels ppl put on me, and you know, none of it was true at all. depending where you are there are a lot of resources for victims of abuse and such, some may even get you back to your home country. can family help you? i'm guessing not, but tryin' to think of something for ya. dm's open if you ever wanna chat abt this. all the best to ya sis <3 hugs.

I have been there twice so far in the past. Didn't work out at all. Yes I admit it does tie myself to him but at least he cares and provides it for me. I am actually quite happy about that.
When you have no qualifications and pleased men every single night for nearly ten years...well how can I deny I am nothing more than a toy at this point. I am only good for pleasing men and I know that.

 

[leeloosnow]

I have been there twice so far in the past. Didn't work out at all. Yes I admit it does tie myself to him but at least he cares and provides it for me. I am actually quite happy about that.
When you have no qualifications and pleased men every single night for nearly ten years...well how can I deny I am nothing more than a toy at this point. I am only good for pleasing men and I know that.

i've done lots of things, continually, for years, but it's not who i am today and it doesn't define me. it's difficult to find a person that doesn't have some hidden talent, some little things they might enjoy or do well at, so i feel pretty confident saying you could be successful elsewhere. and if you prefer to remain in sex work, y'know, in 2021 "milf" was the 3rd highest pornhub search phrase, so nah you can do well still, absolutely. just, if there is any way to tackle the addiction and get away from the guy, then i think you could do a lot of stuff. personally i quit opiates about 10yrs ago, i'm on suboxone still. and, there's cams, PH, all sortsa things you can just do at home while you figure things out <3

 

[SexyIncél]

Can you do any of these?

• Get decent and well-off people to fall madly in love with you?
• Escape the country, to one where you have more advantages?
• Get someone to train you on how to succeed at job interviews?
• Learn the local language?

By the way, I think you're much more than a toy for pleasing men; you're human. To hell with a society that treats you bad after you pleased so many people

 

[Fillingouts]

I think the problem is your drug addiction more than the prostitution. Sounds like you're detoxing and need treatment centers help.

 

[Akaidarafox]

Can you do any of these?

• Get decent and well-off people to fall madly in love with you?
• Escape the country, to one where you have more advantages?
• Get someone to train you on how to succeed at job interviews?
• Learn the local language?

By the way, I think you're much more than a toy for pleasing men; you're human. To hell with a society that treats you bad after you pleased so many people

• Get decent and well-off people to fall madly in love with you?: I have yet to encounter someone that has fallen in love with a street hooker.
• Escape the country, to one where you have more advantages? Without money, documentation or someone to watch over me and get me clients? Nope
• Get someone to train you on how to succeed at job interviews? I don't think it's that I am bad with job interviews but rather people not wanting hookers employed at their place.
• Learn the local language? I am working on that but it takes time

Guys, I am fine being a prostitute and working for him and I don't need "rescuing". As I said I accept my place in life. I also don't want to get rid of my addictions. Without them I feel so very miserable I can't put into words. They helped me power through life so if anything they are the reason I haven't gone mad yet.

For me it's more a decision about when to ctb and if I should do it earlier or later. I feel like ending it without regrets, having squeezed out everything of your life and then making the decision yourself instead of overdosing while pleasing someone or being stabbed to death in a dark ally. I feel like to have that control is nice?

 

[RW__Asher23]

I understand what you are saying. It sounds like you have tried many things already suggested and you are set on ctb just a matter of when. Only you can decide that and in the time you have left before making that decision maybe think of how you might still stay in that profession if that is really what you want. Helping other new girls or something like that. Drugs will help you cope with daily life in that world you are in but like you said do you want to be with some guy and overdose and die on him be found that way? I had a friend who was living in Kensington, Pa working the streets for drug money and rent. It al fall apart on her when she got some Blue but it was mostly Fenty, it killed her. That was 2 years ago. I would not want that to happen to you. So think of other ways to start making changes. The people here who suggested the other things are only trying to help. I agree with what they are trying to do but for you and your comments here I think you are clear on what you want and feel your future will include ctb. That again is something you will have to decide. I will never tell anyone to go ctb. But that is because of where I come from . Anyway I wish you the best and hope you can find another way to make it longer and not rush to ctb. Maybe the work you need to try to do is in the field you are in now anyway. You can figure out something If you think about it. Drugs will eventually not do the job for you anymore. Or like my friend that could be they way you go but without planning it. Ctb one thing that is another and not planned. Wish you all the best you can get from your life now and know there is no shame or wrong about thinking you want to ctb or plan it but if you can give yourself a little more time to maybe figure something else maybe ctb will be much farther away. Any case You are in my thoughts and hope for the best for you no matter which you decide to do. Peaace.

 

[Akaidarafox]

I understand what you are saying. It sounds like you have tried many things already suggested and you are set on ctb just a matter of when. Only you can decide that and in the time you have left before making that decision maybe think of how you might still stay in that profession if that is really what you want. Helping other new girls or something like that. Drugs will help you cope with daily life in that world you are in but like you said do you want to be with some guy and overdose and die on him be found that way? I had a friend who was living in Kensington, Pa working the streets for drug money and rent. It al fall apart on her when she got some Blue but it was mostly Fenty, it killed her. That was 2 years ago. I would not want that to happen to you. So think of other ways to start making changes. The people here who suggested the other things are only trying to help. I agree with what they are trying to do but for you and your comments here I think you are clear on what you want and feel your future will include ctb. That again is something you will have to decide. I will never tell anyone to go ctb. But that is because of where I come from . Anyway I wish you the best and hope you can find another way to make it longer and not rush to ctb. Maybe the work you need to try to do is in the field you are in now anyway. You can figure out something If you think about it. Drugs will eventually not do the job for you anymore. Or like my friend that could be they way you go but without planning it. Ctb one thing that is another and not planned. Wish you all the best you can get from your life now and know there is no shame or wrong about thinking you want to ctb or plan it but if you can give yourself a little more time to maybe figure something else maybe ctb will be much farther away. Any case You are in my thoughts and hope for the best for you no matter which you decide to do. Peaace.

Thank you for your warm words. You explained nicely what I struggle to say myself. Yes I guess I made up my mind and plan to keep working as a hooker until it gets too much. Yes, drugs definitely help a ton and I do know about the dangers and try to limit them as much as I can. So far I never had any overly negative reactions and it's been a long time since I started.
It's nice to hear that I don't need to be ashamed about thinking to ctb. It gives me a very warm feeling I haven't felt before. The last time I talked with anyone about it outside of here was with my handler and he suggested to at least make my ctb meaningful once I decide on it. He suggested a "snuff film" so I get remembered and I could also pay off my debts a little like that even after I am gone. I like the idea but it's scary yet a "meaningul" way to ctb like that might be nice

 

[wr3ck3d]

We understand you, we cannot give advice when or how should you ctb. These are your own decisions, and it seems like you've made up your mind so we can only wish you the best for the time you have left and hope your plans succeed.

 

[DrivenSneeze1]

I think just having the choice to CTB at any time in itself is a pretty comforting idea. I guess it's part of what makes stoic philosophy so attractive to a lot of people around the world. If I had to do it, I think I'd choose the time and place in my life when I've been beaten down and I know for a fact that I can't get back up. The reason for that is that I believe life is intrinsically chaotic and random, meaning that even if today it feels as though I'm at my "peak", the odds that things will get even better and the odds that things will get a lot worse from here on out are relatively the same ; that is to say completely unpredictable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, life has a funny way to surprise you. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. That's why I would wait for the last moment. Then again, I'm a bit of an idiot so who am I to say what's the best way to live and die?

And I don't know if I can change your mind on this, but as someone who does a really meaningless dead end job 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, it's probably not as bad as you think. You can live a pretty comfortable life with a reasonable dose of happiness even with what you would call a "shitty job" :')

By the way, you're not a toy. You're human, you deserve happiness as much as anyone else. Maybe more even, you seem like a really nice person. Anyways good luck figuring this stuff out, sending good vibes your way lol :3

 

[Akaidarafox]

Hmmm I guess that makes sense. There are pros and cons for both - either doing it on your peak or your absolute low is what I am getting so now I am even more conflicted :/

 

[It'sMyLife]

You sound like a cool girl and you're definitely not in denial about your situation. Not being in denial is the first step in changing but you do feel overwhelmed and more or less hopeless. But you're not totally hopeless either -am I right? You write very well and are obviously intelligent. As you can see, by coming here looking for one thing you've found a lot more which is a dialogue of possibilities. So you've attempted to get clean in the past and not succeeded but consider trying again. My suggestion is do you know any women who have successfully gotten out of where you are? Seek out someone like this and ask for their guidance and support. Think of it as a sponsor like you get when you're in AA or NA. I'm not sure how you'd find such a person- maybe ask around? Maybe someone at rehab could help. I think there's hope for you - you're just lacking in support and you can't find the exit right now either . If I had my own business I'd give you a shot and hire you if you walked in the door and literally told me the whole ugly truth. I'm sorry this is what life gave you but as others have stated you're only 29. Your body is capable of a lot of healing at that young age. I'm 58 so
I'm literally twice your age
You deserve better but you have to believe it first. If you do decide to ctb that is certainly your right and I respect your decision if you do. I hope what I wrote helps you
I'm not going to go back and edit my previous post so I'll add this here. An old friend of mine tried several times to get clean. He finally did and ended up going to law school after getting a drug addiction counseling degree first in his 30's. He's been clean and dry for 25 years now and practices law. His life is hectic but he loves it. I know this is just one story but I hope it gives you an idea of what is possible

 

[SexyIncél]

Ok, so it looks like you're fucked when money for drugs and shelter runs out. The closest thing you have to a friend is your handler, who ignores you as you become less profitable and more abused. The state won't give you the means for shelter, healthcare nor even good nutritious food. (Or will it?)

If all true, I agree misery is the obvious outcome. Unless you successfully act to avoid this (including suicide) and/or something unpredictable happens

Hmm, you made me realize the importance of setting conditions on when I die. I just spoke with someone about this, and maybe our thoughts could be useful to you

Dying at my absolute lowest sucks. I was days from that, then something strange happened. Now I guess I'm at my peak, so far

I should die when my peak's clearly soon over and zero hope remains for a fun meaningful life. Not dying alone if possible. While executing my death, if something strange interrupts me again: fine

Zero hope helps counter the survival instinct

My mind was crippled at my lowest. During that time, I remembered being someone far better, though very flawed. My true personality emerged then, but my mind was consumed with waking and sleeping nightmares. My mind screamed at me everything I did "wrong" in the past

I'd rather not return to that again. The only break I had was interacting with kind empaths who wanted a fun time with me. That's still my only real pleasure, that and preparing for those fun times

 

[Akaidarafox]

Thanks you guys. It is nice reading about those experiences.
Yes as I mentioned I have made up my mind and yes ctb is my decision but the question basically is when and how.
Dying alone and out of your control when and how really sucks. I do wonder if the offered option of a "snuff movie" is a good one? I could decide on my own when it happens, I could repay my handler for all the time and effort he used to put into me with the sales, I won't have to do it myself, I won't be alone and I know I won't be forgotten?

 

[SexyIncél]

As much as I'm loathing that handler businessman, yeah it sounds like one option to consider in a brutal world

If you go this route, make sure you bargain for a beautiful and loving time. Good meals beforehand, gentle care, no pain. It seems very, very unwise to tell him your decision until you absolutely must. The upsides seem minor, and the downsides big: he might pressure you to start before you're ready

For what it's worth, I won't forget you. I don't mean to be patronizing or whatever, but this caused some tears