does it get better?

[depresso.espresso]

*sorry for the rant, I just never open up about this, and it seems safe here*
life was perfect, until I was 8yrs old and I was sexually abused and forced to watch prn while it happened. I never told anyone because being raise in a super Christian household and being told that I would be damned to hell if something like that happens because I was being a temptation because I'm a female. the thoughts inside my head drastically changed but I hid it very well. then about 12yrs old I start self hrm and then I grew out of that about 15yrs old or so. I always had thoughts of CTB but never acted in them. im 23yrs old now.. I have a really good life, great job, and friends/family that love me. but it just seems like it's getting harder and harder to wake up and put on the same happy face I've been putting on for so long now. it's like I don't want to die, but if someone were to threaten my life, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't beg for them to let me live. It's like whatever happens, happens. I barely sleep anymore, and it's like CTB or SH thoughts are more and more frequent.. does it get better? or does this void get deeper and deeper until I give in?

 

[lethargic]

It gets better only when you actively work on it and make radical changes to your lifestyle in a way that is more positive. This is much harder to do than what it sounds like, because generally speaking, childhood conditioning defines you. What makes me frustrated about neglectful or abusive parents is that they don't understand the emphasis of "developmental" in the phrase "developmental years". It's not just physical changes - the mental your carry during those important years will with very high likelihood stick with you for the rest of your life.

E.g. I had to join the military to confront my social anxiety and ended up doing a year of that. Even a life change like that only fixed me temporarily at best.

 

[weisel]

It has only gotten worse. I actively worked at it and it just got worse from an emotional standpoint. It feels like a never ending cycle

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be dreadful and tiring what you've been through, I find it awful how people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.