Venting Does it ever get better?

[serah]

I joined this site almost two years ago, when I was at my lowest in my recent years. I was constantly thinking about suicide and was actively planning ways to ctb. It was terrible, in the midst of it all my family had found out I had been cutting once again after "stopping" about 5-6 years ago. I felt like I hit rock bottom, and was just slowly making my way out of it. Still felt suicidal but I began taking medication and opened up to friends who were willing to listen.

Here I am about 4-5 months after and I now feel so fucking pathetic for thinking my life was starting to improve. After on and off cuts here and there I'm back to doing it daily and obsessing over how deep I can go. I feel like shit around friends and feel as if It'd be better if I wasn't here at all. Where the fuck did I go wrong, I was starting to feel good and now I'm contemplating trying to live a meaningful life since I feel I'll be dead in the next couple of years. I just feel so fucking frustrated. Should I just ctb if the rest of my life will be a constant yo-yo between feeling better and then depression ruining my life.

 

[SpaceCadet]

It's a constant battle, fighting our inner demons and studying/working, on top of that the constant feelings that it won't matter at all in the end. Most people find meaning in religion, others in hedonism engaging in all sorts of pleasures like food, drugs, sex etc. You can't say they are wrong, reality hits us really hard, humanity only exist nowadays because of these "distractions". I hope you find a way.

 

[Looooser]

I call it the roller coaster life. When I'm in an "episode" all I can think about is ctb. When I'm doing better all I can think about is "how long is this going to last before another episode".

 

[S like suicide]

I wish there could be a solution for you...in my case there is not

 

[Al Cappella]

It really is like a roller coaster. Some parts are good, other parts complete shit. So, while it does periodically get better, sooner or later you're sick of the ride and want off. It's too bloody exhausting.

 

[whatevs]

This is a tough one. I got a very strong urge in my teens to catch the bus and it was accompanied by a gentle voice in my head explaining to me that my future life was going to be horrible either way, so I might as well spare myself of that suffering. I refused and even vocally expressed my refusal (yes, I was on drugs lol), and 11 years later I can see how eerily preditcive this fucking voice was. The voice was right, and does that mean I did this to myself? That I hanged on going against the better judgement of another part of myself?

I don't know the answer to this question, if miserable people that are likely to never stop being that should just end it. I still don't want to die, but I see the merit in addressing the elephant in the room... If you KNOW what lies ahead, why not evade it? Why do that to yourself?

In my case I hang on because I fear that CTB might make matters worse metaphysically, but I need more research.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case things will only get better when I die as only then nothing can hurt me. Everything is very hopeless for me and for me personally, I prefer the sound of non existence. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I know that it can be dreadful when things get worse. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[corvoscuro]

It's getting worse by the day, over 11 years by now. But I have health issues, so that's quite a different thing to consider. No good days for years.

 

[Forever Dead]

I have suffered from various mental health issues from the age of six. I am now in my 50s. I have tried everything there is to sort out my head problems, but NOTHING ever worked. I was born with faulty brain chemistry and suffered abuse as a child, so from an early age I was set up to be fucked for life. I have contemplated CTB for most of my life, and looking back now through all those years of often intense misery and despair, I wish I had ended this life years ago. The only things that had ever kept me from ending things forever were my Sister, because I did not want to cause Her emotional pain, and also fear of God. I am currently one of the hidden homeless and my Sister has turned her back on me, simply because her husband looks down on me and has brainwashed her against me. As far as God is concerned, I absolutely do not believe the lies of religion anymore, or the existence of a soul. So now, I actually feel kind of happy because there is nothing holding me back anymore, and it is a very liberating experience. All you have to lose are your chains I guess. Everybody has a different life situation, but basically these days I think that dealing with mental health issues and existential crisis is very difficult for anyone. In my own personal experience it never got better. I have absolutely nothing holding me back now, as I am old and have nothing or nobody left to care about. Everybody has a different set of circumstances, so maybe you will recover from the pain you are going through.

 

[solisoccasus]

I call it the roller coaster life. When I'm in an "episode" all I can think about is ctb. When I'm doing better all I can think about is "how long is this going to last before another episode.

This is true. I've always felt like this. Ups and downs. But now i don't know, it's just everything fell apart and there's no way back. I don't open up to people anymore. I just had tons of rejections yesterday and i felt like my insides just crumpled. Damn painful.

 

[Circles]

You see life is so random that there's no guarantee of things will get better for you or I. Only time will tell, but that's the thing with time especially if things don't get better is that by then all that false hope will be for nothing and makes your death even more heartbreaking.

Plus for others such as myself who may get 'better' or not, whatever, despite me trying my hardest with recovery all things considered and while things have 'improved' I still just want to die no matter what. Things may get better but at the end of the day my life is still pointless and because it's so pointless I don't have any hope for the future nor see any reason why things will get any better for me especially. Again there's no fucking guarantee of things getting better in life. All we get is misery and hardships.

 

[Hurt]

Didn't work for me. I've tried for years to improve but always the same. I think my mind is pretty damaged and I can't reverse this. I'm everyday in survival mode.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Not for me, then again I don't attempt to treat my GD so...

 

[hopelessdreams]

i have the same question. but my answer is "no", simply from all the posts here from older people on this forum i can conclude that it (most likely) won't get better. maybe the ones that did get better aren't on this forum anymore and are thriving, and that's why i only see the negatives. who knows.

 

[Slimetae]

Not for me but uh shit I hope you improve

 

[hendrix18712]

I was in a bad place before and attempted suicide, things did get better after that as I changed several aspects of my life and found a new goal. However years later I am back in the bad place and there are no prospects for fixing it this time.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I joined this site almost two years ago, when I was at my lowest in my recent years. I was constantly thinking about suicide and was actively planning ways to ctb. It was terrible, in the midst of it all my family had found out I had been cutting once again after "stopping" about 5-6 years ago. I felt like I hit rock bottom, and was just slowly making my way out of it. Still felt suicidal but I began taking medication and opened up to friends who were willing to listen.

Here I am about 4-5 months after and I now feel so fucking pathetic for thinking my life was starting to improve. After on and off cuts here and there I'm back to doing it daily and obsessing over how deep I can go. I feel like shit around friends and feel as if It'd be better if I wasn't here at all. Where the fuck did I go wrong, I was starting to feel good and now I'm contemplating trying to live a meaningful life since I feel I'll be dead in the next couple of years. I just feel so fucking frustrated. Should I just ctb if the rest of my life will be a constant yo-yo between feeling better and then depression ruining my life.

Same position as you... Scared before the next low hoping it will never hit me again