Discussion Does being suicidal makes you feel powerful?

[sensenmann]

Being told all my life what I can do and cannot do, I feel like the day I CTB will be the point in my life where I finally have full control and nobody is going to stop me, it might be the happiest day of my life.

 

[suicidalloser]

no, i am weak that's a fact. it does make me feel i have some will of my own. which is why my writing touched on the theme of violation—the lack thereof.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sometimes- yes but then I realise I'm actually going to have to physically do it and I don't feel so brave then.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No, quite the opposite. If I had been powerful, I would have been able to create and enjoy a much better life for myself.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I feel trapped here because suicide just isn't straightforward for me. Not everyone has the option to easily leave without risks and complications, we do exist in a world where suicide is purposely made difficult for people after all.

 

[maxi:3]

no.
it's actually the quite opposite.
i believe i have lost power in my life, i have no sense of direction and i don't believe i will achieve anything great in my life to get this feeling of suicide out of me.. meaning i'll always remain upset or depressed in some way. i'll always believe i don't deserve love and i am just a disappointment for my loved ones. and a waste. and i can say this because that's how i've been feeling since i was 16yos.
and so, in a way, the feeling of suicide inside of me is because i am powerless after all.

 

[Sweet Tart]

It's my last recourse after my efforts to improve my quality of life failed, so in a way, it's the result of my powerlessness.

But I do think there is power in choosing a method, time, and setup that is meaningful to one. Even that seems out of reach for me, given the lack of access to humane ctb methods.

 

[todiefor]

I know what you mean. Not so much powerful for me, but it allows me to retain a sliver of agency and control over my life, when everything is spinning manically out of control and I have zero power to stop it.

It has been my coping mechanism in the last few month, whenever some horrendous abuse is spewed at me I think ok, I always have a way out of this, it's ok

 

[Huggs]

I don't really feel any power around it, just fear that it won't work and I'll stay trapped.

 

[PinkyStat]

No, I feel kinda bad about it but usually sad because i didnt succeed once and I will let my cats sad, i just wish that i was never born, it would be so much easier that way