Does anyone want to fail to ctb?

[MoonlitNight]

Does anyone ever feel this? I feel like I just want people to see that im being cornered in life, not being able to take it anymore. And that I really am at the end of the rope.

Maybe the need to fail wouldn't be there if i wasn't raised in such a religious household. It gave me hours of existential crisis as a teen. Got me the fear of existence of an afterlife and 'suffering after life'

But knowing my culture (where majority are christians) I know I'll be called a fool and be used as an example of a failure and stupid in general for trying to end myself. I just wish to be seen. I dont want to die, I just want to get the right support I need. Mental health is a joke to them. Dont know where to go anymore.

Everyone in this culture acts so hospitable and friendly as to promote the idea of 'christians are nice'. The moment they turn their back they judge your appearence, the way you talk, the way you walk, everything. I want to cut myself off from it.

I just wish i could do so without it resulting in everyone taking me as an example of a fool and "The mad person" in the future.
The want to live is so much to the point i want to fail to ctb to show people im going through shit but the life after failure to ctb is also so hard. I feel hopeless.
I feel like I should've posted this in recovery but I dont know.

 

[l0stc4use]

yes i relate to u and my last attempt was basically a cry for help. however, it hasn't even been a year since then and my family don't treat me nicely and don't care anymore. i think it's because ive had 3 attempts so maybe they think i'm crying wolf

 

[PainfulPainkillers]

Does anyone ever feel this? I feel like I just want people to see that im being cornered in life, not being able to take it anymore. And that I really am at the end of the rope.

Maybe the need to fail wouldn't be there if i wasn't raised in such a religious household. It gave me hours of existential crisis as a teen. Got me the fear of existence of an afterlife and 'suffering after life'

But knowing my culture (where majority are christians) I know I'll be called a fool and be used as an example of a failure and stupid in general for trying to end myself. I just wish to be seen. I dont want to die, I just want to get the right support I need. Mental health is a joke to them. Dont know where to go anymore.

Everyone in this culture acts so hospitable and friendly as to promote the idea of 'christians are nice'. The moment they turn their back they judge your appearence, the way you talk, the way you walk, everything. I want to cut myself off from it.

I just wish i could do so without it resulting in everyone taking me as an example of a fool and "The mad person" in the future.
The want to live is so much to the point i want to fail to ctb to show people im going through shit but the life after failure to ctb is also so hard. I feel hopeless.
I feel like I should've posted this in recovery but I dont know.

I feel you a lot, I grew up in a similar situation with extremist christian parents and I am very grateful that I was because now that I have grown up I can see the messed up ideology of it. You need to think of it as a gift because if you weren't raised how you were then you might fall into the trap of religion where you grow up and gain a fear of the afterlife in your middle ages and start giving your money to the churches. The only real truth about the afterlife is that nobody has the actual answer on what happens. If you are afraid of what the people think about you if you were to do something, that just means your problem is worrying about what others think. If you can get over that fear then you will see the world in a new light and acheive so much more then you could ever imagine. Religions are just methods to gain ultimate power over people by acting like they can control your soul, they are all full of corruption and hunger for power. I wish you the best of luck, if you ever need a friend to talk to or hear you out feel free to reach out to me.

 

[Shadowlord900]

I understand your cry for help, but I definitely do not recommend trying to do it via a failed CTB attempt. Failed CTB attempts can leave you with permanent damages. Faking a CTB attempt is also very difficult. I mean you could try taking a bunch of benzodiazepines to fall unconscious (I wouldn't do this if you have any conditions that causes respiratory depression such as sleep apnea unless if you actually want to CTB), while you'd fool many people, you won't fool any doctors because they'll know it's impossible to CTB on benzos alone without pre-existing conditions like sleep apnea.

 

[MoonlitNight]

yes i relate to u and my last attempt was basically a cry for help. however, it hasn't even been a year since then and my family don't treat me nicely and don't care anymore. i think it's because ive had 3 attempts so maybe they think i'm crying wolf

It's really irritating that even if others understand you're going through hard times to the point you give up they decide not to make it any of their business. Then have the AUDACITY to say a lot of 'nice and supportive' things after you're gone.

I feel you a lot, I grew up in a similar situation with extremist christian parents and I am very grateful that I was because now that I have grown up I can see the messed up ideology of it. You need to think of it as a gift because if you weren't raised how you were then you might fall into the trap of religion where you grow up and gain a fear of the afterlife in your middle ages and start giving your money to the churches. The only real truth about the afterlife is that nobody has the actual answer on what happens. If you are afraid of what the people think about you if you were to do something, that just means your problem is worrying about what others think. If you can get over that fear then you will see the world in a new light and acheive so much more then you could ever imagine. Religions are just methods to gain ultimate power over people by acting like they can control your soul, they are all full of corruption and hunger for power. I wish you the best of luck, if you ever need a friend to talk to or hear you out feel free to reach out to me.

Love your chongyun pfp, I play genshin a lot. My boyfriend loves that character <3

unfortunately,i am scared of what people will say after it. Especially my parents. We're not allowed to move out of here until we're married so im stuck with them for now. They'd give me hell every day with every single thing I do.

Their reputation means more than anything else, we are an asian household after all. So the backtalking will certainly make them hate me more than they already have. Not to mention i am 100% confident that they will reprimand me for trying to ctb.
I just dont want to make my daily life harder than it already is, so right now im laying low.

I understand your cry for help, but I definitely do not recommend trying to do it via a failed CTB attempt. Failed CTB attempts can leave you with permanent damages. Faking a CTB attempt is also very difficult. I mean you could try taking a bunch of benzodiazepines to fall unconscious (I wouldn't do this if you have any conditions that causes respiratory depression such as sleep apnea unless if you actually want to CTB), while you'd fool many people, you won't fool any doctors because they'll know it's impossible to CTB on benzos alone without pre-existing conditions like sleep apnea.

Thank you for your kind words, got to the point immediately and felt understood.

I actually forgot to consider that. The only thing on my mind was "jump from not tall building. Survive and have support or hell to deal with after. No inbetween" or something along those lines.

I think It would be valid to explain around the lines of "I would stand on edge of building and take the benzos, rendering me unconscious while I fall to an inevitable doom that went wrong"
I wish I could've ended on a lighter note, but like you said it is indeed my cry for help which will never be heard.

 

[Shadowlord900]

I think It would be valid to explain around the lines of "I would stand on edge of building and take the benzos, rendering me unconscious while I fall to an inevitable doom that went wrong"
I wish I could've ended on a lighter note, but like you said it is indeed my cry for help which will never be heard.

Sorry when I said fall unconscious I didn't mean fall from a building, I meant just becoming unconscious, I should have made myself more clear.

Using benzos to become unconscious near the edge of a building is a recipe for disaster.

 

[MoonlitNight]

Sorry when I said fall unconscious I didn't mean fall from a building, I meant just becoming unconscious, I should have made myself more clear.

Using benzos to become unconscious near the edge of a building is a recipe for disaster.

Actually I just made something up to tell the doctors since you said they'd be hard to fool, haha
I wont be doing it anytime soon though since i have major exams to prepare for. Im hoping things take a turn for me as im yet to get into the golden years of adulthood. At least, the free-from-college kind.