Discussion Does anyone here feel obligated to die by CTB?

[catastrophix]

That may sound like a weird question, so I'll try to explain it as best I can.

For me, I feel like I've built up a "reputation" (for lack of a better word) as the mentally unstable/suicidal one to those who are around me. I know a lot of people can hide their issues, but it is pretty difficult for me to do the same as I'm under surveillance most of the time. Since everyone knows me as suicidal, it's almost like I feel I have to die via CTB. It also validates my agony in some twisted way. Like, people will never know just how much pain I was in unless I CTB. It's a fucked up way to think, I know, but that's the best I can describe it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to CTB just because of my reputation. I have a lot of reasons. There aren't a whole lot of people in my life that really understand or acknowledge how much I'm suffering, so I figure that going via CTB would help them understand. I don't want to deliberately make others upset about my CTB either, I just want to be heard for once.

I hope this makes some sort of sense. Thanks for reading, and thank you if you leave a comment. I struggle to answer comments sometimes, but I read them all :]

 

[DeadPool360]

look its ok
but you are not obligated to anything
if you feel like they don't care or underestimate your worries and pain
then know that its ok a lot of people are like this
but you don't have to ctb
think of it as the last choice I once felt like that
if there is at least one person who really cares
stay with them they can help
i had the same reputation instead of fixing it and acting like everything is fine while its not
I just abandoned them instead I stayed with the people who really cared how I feel and love me
[sorry if English feels random its not my main language]

 

[Source Energy]

That may sound like a weird question, so I'll try to explain it as best I can.

For me, I feel like I've built up a "reputation" (for lack of a better word) as the mentally unstable/suicidal one to those who are around me. I know a lot of people can hide their issues, but it is pretty difficult for me to do the same as I'm under surveillance most of the time. Since everyone knows me as suicidal, it's almost like I feel I have to die via CTB. It also validates my agony in some twisted way. Like, people will never know just how much pain I was in unless I CTB. It's a fucked up way to think, I know, but that's the best I can describe it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to CTB just because of my reputation. I have a lot of reasons. There aren't a whole lot of people in my life that really understand or acknowledge how much I'm suffering, so I figure that going via CTB would help them understand. I don't want to deliberately make others upset about my CTB either, I just want to be heard for once.

I hope this makes some sort of sense. Thanks for reading, and thank you if you leave a comment. I struggle to answer comments sometimes, but I read them all :]

I resonate in some ways. People don't know I'm suicidal - at least not those I want to feel guilty - but yep, definitely doing it will attract attention and certain people would finally realize the pain I was in. Something I do want. It gives me comfort to think about it.

 

[Doc]

I resonate in some ways. People don't know I'm suicidal - at least not those I want to feel guilty - but yep, definitely doing it will attract attention and certain people would finally realize the pain I was in. Something I do want. It gives me comfort to think about it.

I'm the last person people would suspect to post on suicide forums

 

[DeadPool360]

I resonate in some ways. People don't know I'm suicidal - at least not those I want to feel guilty - but yep, definitely doing it will attract attention and certain people would finally realize the pain I was in. Something I do want. It gives me comfort to think about it.

naah man i dont think so
most of the people wil be like
see we were right he killed himself
or the worst type
he killed himself so what not my fault
most people would say that if they do not love you sincerely

 

[SoftWorries]

For me I don't think you seem like you're in less pain for not having done it. I consider everyone on here to be 10/10 in pain to be considering ctb. I can't possibly consider you to be feeling any less pain.

I don't feel any obligation to ctb. I don't view wanting to die as an extension of my pain. I've sometimes been in much greater pain than I am now and wanted desperately to live. But now I'm willing to accept a lot more about life now that I want to die. My pain is less because of it.

I love that manga in your icon btw. I gave them away to a friend last year so she could read them too

 

[Tobacco]

I feel like life will force me to ctb once I'm old. If I can't be rich I'll have to work until I die. If I don't get a heart attack while sleeping, one day I'll have to take a method and say goodbye or else I'll starve to death.

On the other theme of your post, I wanted to ctb too 3 years ago because no one saw how my life was completely destroyed. They are in peace now that I have a schizophrenia diagnostic and now they think I just lost my head. I understand that being around people and not being understood is a very sharp pain. But I don't know the solution since I never could communicate properly with my family.

 

[scamper]

I feel kind of similarly. I've told a couple people I wanted to ctb and I feel like if I don't it'll just look like I said it for attention or something.

 

[Scythe]

I feel obligated to, for different reasons. Mainly because of my beliefs and views, I don't want to be a part of capitalism or society. Which leaves me with a few choices, run into the woods, or die. Running into the wooda will likely cause a painful death anyways, so I wish to die by suicide.

 

[The_End_Is_Comfort]

Absolutely

 

[Source Energy]

I'm the last person people would suspect to post on suicide forums

I always thought anybody can have a pain you know nothing about. That's why it is important to be kind and understanding to people. Even the toughest one has a soul..

 

[cherrysquick]

i totally relate, it just makes sense for me to go this way and i don't think anyone would be surprised. it's really sad we both feel this way, sounds hypocritical but no one deserves to think this way of themselves
also i view cbt as an escape and choice that's only mine to make and, hm, i'm a huge control freak so having my fate completely in my hands reassures me a lot. i don't want to go in any other way, i'd be really upset if i just got into a random accident one day and died lol

 

[tams]

I can totally relate. I don't think people see me as suicidal or really any more abnormal than anyone else. But like your quote below, I feel like they will know just how much pain I was in when I finally do CTB. I guess I want them to question why they didn't see it too. Maybe for them to feel some quilt too. I think I have had a driving force in me for a long time that knows I will just end up killing myself. It doesn't matter what happens in my life. It's just a matter of when it happens, not if.

It also validates my agony in some twisted way. Like, people will never know just how much pain I was in unless I CTB. It's a fucked up way to think, I know, but that's the best I can describe it.

 

[LostinCyberspace]

Other people might view you as being mentally unstable, but you don't have to view yourself as that if it's not what you want. You're fate is in your hands.

 

[FrostedHoax]

Like, people will never know just how much pain I was in unless I CTB. It's a fucked up way to think, I know, but that's the best I can describe it.

I can definitely relate to this part. There's only one person I've told about my suicidal thoughts and I haven't been in close contact with her for around a year now so I don't think there's really anyone that actually knows just how much pain and suffering I'm going through day-by-day. I don't think they would understand or be able to help even if I were to try to explain things to them so I feel like CTB is my only choice. It's weird but I feel like I'm fated to die soon sometime in the next few months or so, even if I don't deliberately CTB.

 

[imissmykitten]

for me, i think it's sort of my fate, no matter what i'll do, it just seems like the only realistic way for me

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

same here i feel that way too. I cant imagine dying by anything else other than ctb

 

[SVEN]

First off, I believe your pain and distress and if you do choose to ctb I just won't be thinking you did it because others expect you to. To be driven to this act, especially when we think how difficult it is made to obtain the means to a quiet exit, is a decision you'll have taken for yourself.
The trouble is that I can't help feeling that the folk who treat you like this will probably not feel any guilt if you do ctb. They'll just think, well, we were correct all along. If people can't realise the distress and pain with which you cope daily whilst you are alive, they seem unlikely to experience some kind of epiphany when you go and realise how miserable you truly are.

 

[Silver1]

I'm the last person people would suspect to post on suicide forums

I am like you, there are people who do not imagine that I am in a forum like this.

 

[MindNomad]

Well I've tried almost every way to get help; therapy, farmacology etc and I feel abandoned, failed by both medicine and psychology. Ctb is the only thing that I can think about. Suicidal thoughts are the only stable thing about my waking days. It's not even a choice atm there is no alternative to ctb. One thing before I go is going to a psych ward but I'm disillusioned, several psychiatrists tried to help me already (2 years of constant suffering) xd maybe neuroleptic drugs.
I guess it's about your personal motives. The existence is so unbearable every evening I just wish I die at sleep. I'm lucky to have people to go back to, which is more than many people have. For me waiting is just a matter of my crippling addiction to a mobile game and in a way a matter of personal integrity which is being tested ngl xd but medicine and psychology do work in most cases and can drastically improve the quality of life and as I preached ebm (evidence based medicine) for the sake of said integrity I'll go to the hospital rather soon because I feel like I'm going insane...
That being said many people know about my suicidal tendencies but I don't feel obligated to anyone, noone asked me if I wanted to be born but I have one right noone can take away from me. Even if I get better in some sense there is no going back from the perspective of unending suffering idk
If I feel obligated to ctb it's only to myself

 

[ggetout33]

I feel like life will force me to ctb once I'm old. If I can't be rich I'll have to work until I die. If I don't get a heart attack while sleeping, one day I'll have to take a method and say goodbye or else I'll starve to death.

On the other theme of your post, I wanted to ctb too 3 years ago because no one saw how my life was completely destroyed. They are in peace now that I have a schizophrenia diagnostic and now they think I just lost my head. I understand that being around people and not being understood is a very sharp pain. But I don't know the solution since I never could communicate properly with my family.

I'm the same way. Tbh I would like to CTB at 40 or so. Or once my looks/body degrade due to age and poor life choices.

 

[Tobacco]

I'm the same way. Tbh I would like to CTB at 40 or so. Or once my looks/body degrade due to age and poor life choices.

I see myself doing it at around 70.

 

[ggetout33]

I see myself doing it at around 70.

At that point wouldn't you rather just let old age do it's thing?

 

[Tobacco]

At that point wouldn't you rather just let old age do it's thing?

Imagine I get disabled from something that won't kill me instantly. If I don't have a good number in my bank account I would probably die from starvation. These are the thoughts that plagate my daily walks. The day I can't work anymore is the day I'll have to die. I said 70, because people right now can expect to live to 80.

 

[eashanm]

I want a luxury death and the only way to achieve it is a self willed death.

 

[SleepySept]

Random but Kabi Nagata is goated.
Also I really do get that feeling. Although in a more petty way lol. Personally I just felt awful that I was only treated better after I attempted my suicide, as if all the pain that lead to it wasn't worse than the attempt itself. How only such a drastic and visual action was needed to seem even a little "serious". (And when I couldn't have any more access to attempts I was treated back to normal)

My partner told me about his suicidal thoughts. But that it wasn't as bad as mine because he would be too much of a coward to attempt. And it hurt me, so I tried my best to validate his pain and struggle.

Suicide is simply one of the symptoms of the real problem, that being all the issues the person had to live with that would drive them to that point in the first place.

I have a similar view on people who make fun of people who self harm. Attention seeking or not, they never consider what it is that leads to that sort of behavior.

 

[stxrdustprincex]

That may sound like a weird question, so I'll try to explain it as best I can.

For me, I feel like I've built up a "reputation" (for lack of a better word) as the mentally unstable/suicidal one to those who are around me. I know a lot of people can hide their issues, but it is pretty difficult for me to do the same as I'm under surveillance most of the time. Since everyone knows me as suicidal, it's almost like I feel I have to die via CTB. It also validates my agony in some twisted way. Like, people will never know just how much pain I was in unless I CTB. It's a fucked up way to think, I know, but that's the best I can describe it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to CTB just because of my reputation. I have a lot of reasons. There aren't a whole lot of people in my life that really understand or acknowledge how much I'm suffering, so I figure that going via CTB would help them understand. I don't want to deliberately make others upset about my CTB either, I just want to be heard for once.

I hope this makes some sort of sense. Thanks for reading, and thank you if you leave a comment. I struggle to answer comments sometimes, but I read them all :]

yes, this!!! pretty much everyone in my life knows that i'm extremely mentally ill and suicidal, and most of them know that i've attempted in the past. so it kind of feels necessary that i die by my own hand, because otherwise it might be interpreted as "oh, they had so much to live for and they were looking forward to xyz, what a shame they died/got killed." whereas if i kill myself it's less of a shock because everyone is kind of expecting it, and it will validate the pain and suffering i was in while alive.

 

[hi-okbye]

i used to feel like this in the past, but i don't think so much anymore. maybe due to past experiences. one of the times i tried to ctb, i went to my mom's room, after a few minutes from some evidence she figured out what had happened... and she didn't give a damn. she actually got angry at me because i was going to make her late to work apparantly. in the past though, when nobody knew how much i was suffering, and just dismissed things like my severe depression, i felt like this. i constantly wanted to show them "hey i'm actually worse than you think". nowadays, i'm just exausted and have no energy really. i'm tired of trying to ctb over and over and over again. i just want something to take me out naturally. i don't want to have to go through all the processes of getting ready, doing everything, just for it to fail again.
good luck though and i hope you find peace <3

 

[the_summoning]

I don't feel "obligated" per se, but I do feel more and more like when I do pass away, my COD will ultimately be suicide. I've never been diagnosed with depression or any other mood disorder, but I strongly suspect that I have it. Since I'm undiagnosed, I'm not medicated for it so I'm battling it semi-privately and honestly, probably not using the best coping methods. I'm always able to pull myself back from over the edge, but I think there may be a day when I can't bounce back and will ultimately ctb.