Does anyone here also want to commit suicide due to irreversible childhood trauma?

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I don't know how I can heal. Some nights the pain is so deep I just feel like if I am dead, then the flashbacks stop. The mental pain stops. The physical pain stops. In death, the person no longer feels pain. They are dead. They feel nothing. In that case, I would no longer feel pain

 

[palebluedot]

That's me too. It's my primary reason for wanting to ctb. It has affected my personality so much that I really believe I am broken beyond repair, and it haunts me all the time. I just can't take it anymore

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

That's me too. It's my primary reason for wanting to ctb. It has affected my personality so much that I really believe I am broken beyond repair, and it haunts me all the time. I just can't take it anymore

I think many people feel that because of how far mental health has gone (it really hasn't) that all traumas can be healed. But I do not believe that. Like take cancer. Theres a point where doctors have to admit that a patient will likely die no matter what they do. No medicine works, nothing works. If we can say that about physical health it should be the same for mental health.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

Yeah, every day. Wish we could all float away together, traumatized children free from their past together forever in a world without hurt. We could be a new family. One big family where we all take care of eachother. And I'll bake us deserts to eat for every day of the week.

I don't know if this makes any sense I just want you to feel a little less alone tonight.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Yeah, every day. Wish we could all float away together, traumatized children free from their past together forever in a world without hurt. We could be a new family. One big family where we all take care of eachother. And I'll bake us deserts to eat for every day of the week.

I don't know if this makes any sense I just want you to feel a little less alone tonight.

Thats a beautiful thought. We could all escape from this shitty world and finally be free

 

[JerJoh]

Yeah, childhood trauma drives my ideation. I remember being 8 and fantasizing about laying down on the highway so a truck could run over me.

It's a tough to thing to struggle with... :(

 

[nerve]

It's one of the big reasons for me.

I hate being this husk of a person and it's so easy to torture myself with thoughts of who I could have been if things had gone differently. It feels like I've lost so much that I never even had.

If I could somehow reverse the changes early trauma made on my brain, then maybe I'd feel like giving life an honest shot but that's not possible. The outside world is far too loud and scary. I've had enough of that for one lifetime.

 

[Sinai Silence]

The amount of mental blockage I've got because of my childhood speaks volumes for me. I hardly remember anything of my earlier years apart from the stuff that has traumatised me.

Someone was trying to convince me yesterday that I had a happy childhood since I had food and a roof over my head. But its not enough if you don't feel safe under said roof.

Past events play on my mind constantly and it wares me down slightly each time. Its sad to see many of you feel the same way. I hope we find whatever peace we are looking for.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm sorry to say I'm in the same boat. I'm sorry you have to deal with this too. I was abused by a relative until age 6. I repressed most of it but did tell and the family suspected it but did nothing. (It was the 70s and no one knew about sexual abuse!?). I was then abused sexually and spiritually by clergy as a young adult for a few years. Oddly enough I told my doctor at the time. She told me I was in love with him and basically sent me on my way.

I had ECT about ten years ago and it helped with the PTSD and other issues. Until now. Everything's back with a vengenance. It turns out I can ad a pretty severe case of DID to my alphabet soup of problems.

I've been trying to deal with this. I found a groups for children of sexual abuse but it's early and I'm not sure I want to go through the flashbacks so regularly in order to deal with the trauma. I had a therapist lined up but she backed out a few days ago. I'm happy for her not to have to know me. But that still leaves me alone to deal with all of this.

This is a direct cause of why I want to ctb. I can't deal with anything, can't have and keep any kind of relationship, can't have any kind of spiritual life, have a messed up relationship with food (to say the least!). Ctb is turning out to be the better of two bad choices, to stay and suffer through hell or to leave and go directly to hell. I deserve both so it's not really a hard decision.

 

[rik]

Me too, sexual abuse by uncle till i was 15. (i'm 51 now).
The main reason for me, plus the consequences like never been able to have a relationship and seeing other people marry or having kids.
The nighmares are getting worse, sudden sounds (or music) and smells trigger me.
People saying ' you look tired, that must have been a nice party you went to', while you haven't slept because of those nightmares.

Still here because my parents don't deserve to bury their son, but everything is ready to ctb.

 

[catsarecool]

I often "mourn" for the person who I could have been and the life I could have had if not for my childhood. I'm just a husk of a being, fumbling through messy relationships while trying not to pull people around me to this hell I feel. This life is not worth living. I'm beyond saving.

 

[ravergirl]

Yes. I was a victim of CSA. Some of my CSA is still circulating on the darkweb. I also have borderline personality disorder because of it. There's no escape but death.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I often "mourn" for the person who I could have been and the life I could have had if not for my childhood. I'm just a husk of a being, fumbling through messy relationships while trying not to pull people around me to this hell I feel. This life is not worth living. I'm beyond saving.

Beautifully said. Sadly, I could have written that myself. I look at photos of me before the first abuser and I ache for that little girl. But not enough to love her.

 

[ravergirl]

Someone was trying to convince me yesterday that I had a happy childhood since I had food and a roof over my head. But its not enough if you don't feel safe under said roof.

That is such toxic positivity bullshit. People in prison have food and a roof over their head. That's not enough to support someone's mental health.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

That is such toxic positivity bullshit. People in prison have food and a roof over their head. That's not enough to support someone's mental health.

Yup. Even Maslowe would shoot down that kind of bubble gum optimism!

 

[Deformationalplagio]

My mom dedormed my face and skull and it cant get repaired so yes im actually suicidal since i was 8 because of it. And instead people are trying to help people like me they rather help people who are to fat or have flat feet (no offence to bigger people) . Im a minority so i can pay 200000 dollar on my own or just suck it up and die because o tried donations but deformed ugly people dont get those . I have nothing to lose anyways and people already treat me like shit because i look like a monster so why dont act like a monster. Bad parenting neglect and child abuse should be punished really hard with jailtime. so many young lives are destroyed of it. I may seem like a bad angry guy, but it takes a lot of damage to become something like me

 

[thereandgone]

Yep thanks to my mother. The one person who was supposed to advocate for me ended up betraying me my whole life since I was born--berating me every time I tried to take the initiative on something, shouting at me every time she was mad at something (often stuff that I had no agency in), constantly speaking down to me, telling me my dreams were stupid, never passing up an opportunity to humiliate me, and constantly dictating my life to me. The sad thing is I thought all of that was just part of typical parenting and did not realize it in time to view my mother as an adversary rather than trustworthy family. I only hope that when my day comes she is still around so that she can live to see her legacy destroyed. She still actually says things like "I always imagined you'd have children of your own one day...". Unreal.

Someone was trying to convince me yesterday that I had a happy childhood since I had food and a roof over my head.

Such ignorance. How many of us would have rather gone without food for a few nights or slept outside than go through the other things we went through?

My mom dedormed my face and skull and it cant get repaired so yes im actually suicidal since i was 8 because of it...

Wow. I too was deformed/mutilated by doctors with my mother's permission when I was a baby. I wasn't going to mention it here, but since you did I thought I should as well. Where I'm from it's actually legal and common and this trauma has also caused me constant discomfort my entire life. Sorry to hear about your face. From what I've seen online, Belgium has good laws when it comes to assisted dying. Are you in the process of getting an assisted death?

Im actually thinking about killing my mom before i go to make a statement.

I can't say that I haven't thought about this myself in anger, but it would be more satisfactory if I could die knowing she is still around to see her only child die with no heirs, thus ending her family line forever (other than nephews and nieces).

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Is there any "reversible" child abuse???

When I was a kindergarten teacher I watched my kids like hawks, looking for signs that most people wouldn't see. I did have one student (she was 12) who came to me black and blue. It took a lot of poiunding the pavement but I got her help. She ended up moving back in with her crazy mother but she was monitored and is now married with her own kids. But the odds are that at least one out of each class was or was going to be abused in some way.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Is there any "reversible" child abuse???

When I was a kindergarten teacher I watched my kids like hawks, looking for signs that most people wouldn't see. I did have one student (she was 12) who came to me black and blue. It took a lot of poiunding the pavement but I got her help. She ended up moving back in with her crazy mother but she was monitored and is now married with her own kids. But the odds are that at least one out of each class was or was going to be abused in some way.

Irreversible maybe not but most of them can be helped or could still have good lives afterwards. My brothers and sisters didn't 3nd up deformed like me and they are doing just fine right now. But in extreme cases like mine its just a whole different kind of thing. Its not like deformed in a sense of only a small deformity its an extreme deformity. If it wasnt for that i would be truly happy even with all the beatings i got in the past

 

[Deleted member 18655]

But in extreme cases like mine its just a whole different kind of thing. Its not like deformed in a sense of only a small deformity its an extreme deformity. If it wasnt for that i would be truly happy even with all the beatings i got in the past

Please tell me if this is offensive as I think it is. I was neglected and sexually abused as a child and adult but not physically abused (aside from getting punished with a belt or wooden spoon which, in the 70s, wasn't considered abuse). I have pathetic abandonment issues and emotionally I'm pretty messed up.

I used to wish for someone to beat me (and still do). So I could have pain I could tangibly feel. The mental wounds are just part of me. At 49 (this year) I started cutting and I like how there's actual physical pain to focus on rather than just sadness and emptiness.

I had a good childhood from the outside looking in. I have two parents who are successful and basically very good people. (Just not great parents). I was relatively safe and didn't go without anything. The grass is always greener... I wanted someone to beat me to prove how horrible I am. I want them to hurt me more than I could hurt myself. I still want that. I worry that I should stop thinking this and just be grateful for what good I did have. Forgive me if this offends! Please.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

From the childhood abuse; physical, sexual and emotional to 20 year Abusive relationship. Finally over. The abuse from other people is now gone but what's left is a deep self hatred that I cannot fix and I now abuse myself AND a desperate need for something that is unreachable because I'm an adult now. It can't be met by drugs or therapy or yoga!! What options are left?

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Please tell me if this is offensive as I think it is. I was neglected and sexually abused as a child and adult but not physically abused (aside from getting punished with a belt or wooden spoon which, in the 70s, wasn't considered abuse). I have pathetic abandonment issues and emotionally I'm pretty messed up.

I used to wish for someone to beat me (and still do). So I could have pain I could tangibly feel. The mental wounds are just part of me. At 49 (this year) I started cutting and I like how there's actual physical pain to focus on rather than just sadness and emptiness.

I had a good childhood from the outside looking in. I have two parents who are successful and basically very good people. (Just not great parents). I was relatively safe and didn't go without anything. The grass is always greener... I wanted someone to beat me to prove how horrible I am. I want them to hurt me more than I could hurt myself. I still want that. I worry that I should stop thinking this and just be grateful for what good I did have. Forgive me if this offends! Please.

Ofcourse it doesnt offend me. There was a point in life where is

Please tell me if this is offensive as I think it is. I was neglected and sexually abused as a child and adult but not physically abused (aside from getting punished with a belt or wooden spoon which, in the 70s, wasn't considered abuse). I have pathetic abandonment issues and emotionally I'm pretty messed up.

I used to wish for someone to beat me (and still do). So I could have pain I could tangibly feel. The mental wounds are just part of me. At 49 (this year) I started cutting and I like how there's actual physical pain to focus on rather than just sadness and emptiness.

I had a good childhood from the outside looking in. I have two parents who are successful and basically very good people. (Just not great parents). I was relatively safe and didn't go without anything. The grass is always greener... I wanted someone to beat me to prove how horrible I am. I want them to hurt me more than I could hurt myself. I still want that. I worry that I should stop thinking this and just be grateful for what good I did have. Forgive me if this offends! Please.

Ofcourse im not offended by that. Mental pain is so much worse then physical pain and i understand where youre comming from. When i was younger i was some months really suicidal because of a breakup and being homeless. But when i grew older and really learned about my deformity and how its not fixable really made those problems from when i was younger look fairly small in comparison. If i could switch back to those problems i would be truly happy even without a roof or a girlfriend. So im not downplaying anyones feelings because a lot of it i understand. But i could still try and fight those feelings at that moment. I managed to get a job and a new girlfriend etc. But the deformity became worse with age and i cant do anything about it. Its totally out of my control and thats what makes it so bad. Most people can hide there emotions or still have that sprinkle of hope left. A deformity is just not hideable wich makes it hard. I feel ashamed just going outside. And while im not prolife i really think there is some hope for some people in here and i really think some should reconsider suicide. It makes me sad thinking the good ones are killing themselves and the bad ones are here to stay

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Ofcourse im not offended by that. Mental pain is so much worse then physical pain and i understand where youre comming from.

Thank you

I feel ashamed just going outside. And while im not prolife i really think there is some hope for some people in here and i really think some should reconsider suicide. It makes me sad thinking the good ones are killing themselves and the bad ones are here to stay

I would say the same to you. I'm now in a support group for sexually abused and/or trafficked children. The goal of this program is that I end up giving back through mentoring. Can you imagine working with children to overcome obstacles? Did you ever see the movie "Mask?" We are so hung up on the physical shell that we lose so many opportunities for beauty. I wish I could see you (and your face). I bet you're beautiful - in the deepest sense of the word. (And I'm not one to bullshit, so take my words at face value - no pun intended ).

 

[Good4Nothing]

Yes.

 

[muffin222]

Me. I have PTSD and an array of mental health issues and emotional problems due to childhood trauma and abuse

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I would not say trauma but the way I have grown up is pretty damaged and I cannot fix it.

 

[Darrenloses]

Trauma not childhood but late teens/early twenties. I'm constantly on my phone browsing as a way to occupy my mind so I don't think about it. The worst is when I'm in bed at night attempting to sleep and the intrusive thoughts come in.

 

[AprilsBlessings]

I wouldn't say trauma but my childhood and my teenage was horrible in every way, EVERY POSSIBLE WAY, because of it i'm completely damaged.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

My mother didn't love me. It's far too late now to get what I need to be whole. I'm not salvageable.

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

Oh yeah I'm so fucked up fundamentally in almost every way that can all be traced back to my upbringing. It's gotten to the point that no therepy is gonna solve it now. Death is the only cure i'm afraid lol