Discussion Does anyone have good suicide jokes?

[Saki]

I wasn't quite sure which category this belongs so imma post this here
Since my best way to cope and feel better is making suicide jokes. Just be careful who you do them around tho.
So to maybe make someone feel better crack out your best jokes
I'll start
You kinda left me hanging this morning.
Get it? A very classical lame dad joke

 

[Al_stargate]

Here are a few morbid ones, not necessarily suicide ones. I'll try to find some suicide ones some other time.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care.

My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without her.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin' hot body!

 

[Saki]

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

this one is good

 

[DynamicDepression]

 

[newave3]

A priest asks a convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Are you scared my son?" The murderer replied, "No father. I'm no chicken."
The priest said " You're no chicken. Well, tomorrow you'll be extra crispy."

 

[its-about-time]

There's a post around here about if we hate anyone enough to kill them and I thought about responding "yes, myself" lol didnt seem appropriate given the current comment conversations though

 

[depressedmaniac]

there was this dark humor thread. think it was in off-topic. seems to be buried. I loved reading it though. hella funny.

 

[Danjor88]

I was going to kill myself, but I decided I'd just hang around instead.

 

[Extreme_weather]

Not even a joke but I always heard that of "he did not kill himself on fear of what neighbours would think afterwards".