Discussion Does anyone get mad at people for being "uplifting and encouraging"?

[TAW122]

Does anyone get mad when people try to be uplifting and encouraging towards you, thinking it will help? I had similar experiences IRL where when I self-deprecate myself usually after failing or not doing well at a task, then someone decides to be encouraging and immediately try to pep-talk me. For example, there was a time where I simply couldn't do something well, maybe failing at a trivial task multiple times before just barely getting it right and I self-deprecate by saying "I suck at x or I'm a failure, I can't even do xyz right!" Then immediately someone says "You're not a failure!" I just get really annoyed and pissed off when I hear that because it not only dismisses me, but it's also patronizing (especially the condescending pep talk). Growing up I was rarely ever in the position of making demands or leading people, I was the sheep while others in my life were sheepdogs, shepards, and what not. I oftenly get lectured about what to do, how to live, and just critiqued (when I never asked for it).

So in short, I hate it when people try to be encouraging, uplifting, and helpful (when they aren't being helpful but think they are); it not only makes me feel invalidated (e.g. "You're not a failure!") by dismissing whatever my feelings and claims are, but also belitting me with the uplifting peptalk of a speech. Some people have said that if I reject those who do that, soon I will have nobody to share my failures, successes, and what not experiences in life with. I'm okay with that because quite frankly, I'd rather be lonely than to have patronizing and superficial people who see me as some 'project' or treats me like I'm a child. Yes, being lonely sucks, but beats being 'pitied' and/or looked down is even worse. I care about my dignity and pride (quite a lot tbh) so I would rather be lonely and solo than to have superficial and even patronizing beings around me.

What are your experiences with people who say and do things like that? Do you get offended or annoyed?

 

[ChoclateIsSweet]

I'm on the other side of the spectrum.

I have said that to my friends but it was never out of pity. It was because I genuinely didn't see them as a one. How can someone so speical be a failure?

 

[pete_x]

If it truly comes from a place of compassion and not discomfort or delusion then no.

 

[SoftAndSad]

I want people to be sincere. If they showed some understanding that things can be shit and give some compassion for my situation it would be helpful. Feels like people are so terribly afraid of even acknowledging the situation and instead just try to force their own delusion of a just world down your throat. Just makes you anxious about your failures.

If someone just said "yeah your life's been shit so far but you've been strong to endure it for so long, and hey I like these things about you so there's some things positive" that would mean so much more than just giving some regurgitated "advice" about working out , doing yoga or how it'll all work out in the end.

People just never listen to what I say so I've given up even bothering.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I get mad at mindless optimism because it's complacent and dangerous. I also get frustrated at relentless negativity because its self defeating.

 

[Despondent]

If they sound sincere, genuine, and are putting their all into trying to uplift me, it doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is the repetitive stuff that you hear all the time from someone who isn't all that interested in whatever it is that one is going through.

 

[Epsilon0]

Before I fell ill, I didn't mind it. I don't even remember thinking about it all that much.

But now, it's my biggest trigger. I really hate it when someone tells me I should be optimistic about my illness, that it will get better, that things are not that bad, or other encouraging platitudes.

I always feel like hitting them over the head with a dictionary and then politely asking them to look up the word "chronic" (hint, it literally means "for life".)

 

[FusRohDracarys]

Ye. I usually smile, nod, and then freeze them out. Or go off on them. Lulz, I'm probably the only person who can give me a pep talk without irritating me.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Yes. Only because they tell me one thing, and life tells me another. Who will you believe?

 

[pentobarbitaldreams]

I dislike it, but I know that their heart is in the right place. To them it's the right thing to do; their friends cheer them up when they're down and it makes them feel better, so they assume it'll work the same for you. What kinda pisses me off is when I make a suicide post on Reddit and someone says something like "don't do it there are dogs/sunsets/movies/etc." like bro you really have a shallow conception of the human condition and life itself if you think that trivial pleasures are a valid reason for a suicidal person to keep living.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I get mad at people who are cheery in the morning.
I'm ANGRY in the morning, because I didn't die in my sleep and I have to keep doing this horseshit.

 

[Mr2005]

I'm encouraged by the answers here. They're more reasonable than I expected and more understanding of why they do it than I thought they'd be. People might prefer to be told there's no hope and we're all doomed whilst holding hands and hating pro lifers. Meanwhile I want to puke at the hypocrisy of the insincerity. No one can speak for you or decide what's best for you. At best they're just telling you what they think you want to hear at worst dragging you down with them because they don't want to be alone. Or because they're psychopaths. Either way they're thinking of themselves

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I see a lot of "don't forget, epilepsy doesn't control you, you control it!" followed by like a paragraph of heart emojis.
If that was true, I'd be done with this shit quicker than you can say "oops I farted too hard"!
...
I don't know why you would want to say this right now unless you have indeed overly trusted a fart as you read this, but the chances for this are slim.

I've experienced this outside the internet, but under another context: leadership.
Since I literally have no friends (well, not geographically close), the closest thing I have to friends is my workplace and the coworkers within, and there, my boss keeps wanting to put me in a leadership position.

I am a shitty "boss". I know this for a fact. I've attempted to manage people and failed. Despite this, my boss assigns me to leadership positions every so often. Coincidentally, I get crazy. Not power crazy, there's lots of sobbing because suddenly the entire fucking company is calling me for information, and I don't know shit.
I'm a shitty boss. All my replies are "I don't know, I'm just replacing the regular guy, come back in a week."
My boss, however, insists I'm doing great despite the fact he gets a barrage of questions in CC, and a barrage of "I don't know" in return, also in CC.

The epilepsy one, though, is a thousand times more infuriating.

 

[TAW122]

@ChoclateIsSweet That's good of you, I think a lot of people do things out of their own ego and to look down on others, which is the vibe I was getting with IRL people. I'm sure your friends appreciate your genuineness.

@Underscore I see your point in the other part of your sentence. I think being relentlessly negative which leads to self-defeating prophecies is true too. So either extreme end is bad and personally, I hate mindless/blind optimism more because it has caused more damage than relentless negativity. Mindless optimism also causes people to be tricked into believing that they will achieve xyz goal (which is great if they actually achieve it), but if not, then they are worse off than they started; falling into deeper despair.

At best they're just telling you what they think you want to hear at worst dragging you down with them because they don't want to be alone. Or because they're psychopaths. Either way they're thinking of themselves

Yes, this is a big part of why I get mad at uplifting and encouraging words. They think they know "what I want to hear" versus "what would improve my situation" (or if there is none, then respect my decision to give up on a certain activity).

 

[Pryras]

Does anyone get mad when people try to be uplifting and encouraging towards you, thinking it will help? I had similar experiences IRL where when I self-deprecate myself usually after failing or not doing well at a task, then someone decides to be encouraging and immediately try to pep-talk me. For example, there was a time where I simply couldn't do something well, maybe failing at a trivial task multiple times before just barely getting it right and I self-deprecate by saying "I suck at x or I'm a failure, I can't even do xyz right!" Then immediately someone says "You're not a failure!" I just get really annoyed and pissed off when I hear that because it not only dismisses me, but it's also patronizing (especially the condescending pep talk). Growing up I was rarely ever in the position of making demands or leading people, I was the sheep while others in my life were sheepdogs, shepards, and what not. I oftenly get lectured about what to do, how to live, and just critiqued (when I never asked for it).

So in short, I hate it when people try to be encouraging, uplifting, and helpful (when they aren't being helpful but think they are); it not only makes me feel invalidated (e.g. "You're not a failure!") by dismissing whatever my feelings and claims are, but also belitting me with the uplifting peptalk of a speech. Some people have said that if I reject those who do that, soon I will have nobody to share my failures, successes, and what not experiences in life with. I'm okay with that because quite frankly, I'd rather be lonely than to have patronizing and superficial people who see me as some 'project' or treats me like I'm a child. Yes, being lonely sucks, but beats being 'pitied' and/or looked down is even worse. I care about my dignity and pride (quite a lot tbh) so I would rather be lonely and solo than to have superficial and even patronizing beings around me.

What are your experiences with people who say and do things like that? Do you get offended or annoyed?

It depends really. I don't get "mad" since I know it's well-intentioned and most are unaware that it can come across as invalidating or patronizing.

What actually bothers me is when people come up with easy solutions or try to trivialize what I'm going through. "It's no big deal" or "Just stop thinking about it " like GEE I think most of all our problems could be fixed if we just didn't care. Sorry, I'm not a sociopath and my reaction/feelings are valid.

It's why someone like Katie Stubblefield decided to pull the trigger over a broken heart and why someone different would do the same over a medical condition or financial reasons. We all interpret and manage our emotions differently, and what is extremely traumatic and justifiable for one person may be completely different for someone else.

Sometimes you can't put yourselves in someone's shoes, you just have to try to understand and empathize the best you can without ever truly knowing. It's why i get so angry when people suggest I move on and forget when it was extremely traumatic for me and hard to do.

 

[lostangel]

Yes, I feel the exact same way. I hate being treated like I'm stupid. I hate how people unintentionally dismiss my feelings by telling me things like eg

'' Nothing ever works out'

''You're overreacting''

I hate how they don't even know that they're being dismissive because it's hard to tell them that when they don't even know that they're doing it.

 

[waived]

Instead of being sad, try being glad.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Instead of being sad, try being glad.

Turn that frown upside down.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I oftenly get lectured about what to do, how to live, and just critiqued (when I never asked for it).

That, my dear, is life. I'm not negating you. Please hear me out before you get offended by me, too!

People have a tendency to focus on others and project and try to control them because they are not self-aware, not self-controlled, and focus on others rather than themselves. It gives them false senses of power, control, and "rightness." They can't accept letting you do you, and have your own moods and your own way of doing things, but how much awareness and control do they have of their own selves and their own actions?

I love Brené Brown's analogy of showing up to the arena. Whenever one tries something, they're often going to get their asses kicked; if one isn't failing, it might be because they're not showing up. So as angry and frustrated at yourself as you may get, I personally respect that you showed up. If you fail, you fucking dared.

But the other really interesting thing about her analogy is that when you show up, you'll be noticed. You're in an arena, and there are spectators. Pay attention to who's in what seats. Those in the cheap seats just mindlessly criticize. Those in better seats will give constructive feedback. And there are also those who, whether you invited them or not, are actually showing up for you, and those who are true to you won't be down with hearing you beat yourself down, especially when you're not as low as your frustration is telling you that you are. Is it possible your frustration is angry at them for negating it? Is your frustration also in a seat, and is it the group of seats where all the rotten tomato-throwers hang out? Is your frustration your opponent in the arena and the one kicking your ass for daring to show up? Anyhow, folks in the cheap seats, you get to tell them to give constructive feedback or shut up. Or if they snuck in for a free show and it's none of their goddamn business, ignore them or ask them to show you their ticket stubs to prove they belong there, and at what level are their seats.

And of course, there is, like you say, the option of being alone, because there are just too damn many people who speak mindlessly and have no ability or desire to pay for the better seats. I went through something like that. I was in dire financial straights and in group housing with a shared kitchen. Every fucking day, starting first thing in the morning, was, "How are you?" Especially this one woman, mindlessly cheerful, living in her cloud that got her through her shit: "I'm blessed." No, she wasn't. Things could have been worse, but blessed? Anyhow, I got to the point where I felt assaulted by being asked all the time how I was. I saw these people every. fucking. day. And it's so often such a mindless question in Western society, with the expectation of a stock answer. I needed some space, so I started giving terse responses to the question, hoping that people would figure it out and stop asking. Did they take the hint? No. In retrospect, because people don't do well with hints (though if you tell them directly, they still may not get that the social norm is rather vapid, and they feel poked at, so it's a lose-lose when someone doesn't want to play the game they don't even recognize is just a mindless game -- like tossing me a ball when I'm NOT in the mood to play and toss it back.) Anyhow, several of the residents complained to the housing manager that in my terseness and in displaying a boundary, I was borderline bullying!

People generally don't like boundaries, they want to be let in, they want want that they want. So folks may not be appreciating that you are autonomous and will do things your own way. When you feel powerful and just fine with yourself, I think maybe (?) you won't feel poked as much by the lectures and critiques (remember my dining table conversion story?), because if they're not people who you respect or admire for how they live their own lives, and they don't respect how you live yours, then what they say can potentially become like background noise. For now, it's offensive; are they worthy of being offended by? Are they even remotely influential or important to you? What seats are they in? And if they complain to the housing manager, well, they just want you to play a really dumb game and they're probably never going to get it anyway. You don't have to get along with them. Obnoxious is obnoxious; mindlessness can be comforting to the mindless, while for others, it's obnoxious. It takes a long time for people to come out of the illusion and get that; some never do at all. Mindlessness can be really irritating when one is aware, until/if they get past it -- irritation is sometimes a first step in awareness, and that's not a bad thing, though it may feel bad.

Being around other humans can be a pain in the ass even when one isn't on the autism spectrum. Marcus Aurelius didn't fear death because, in general, humanity is not something to be missed, it's low level and pretty much sucks. I don't always have it in me to be magnanimous toward ignorance/unawareness; it takes a lot of inner resources and I am often drained by some damn heavy and draining shit or I'd be more indulgent and kind. But I also know that indulge reinforces controlling behaviors, so even if we're both uncomfortable, at least I'm no longer participating in being controlled and not having my autonomy and boundaries recognized and respected.

Curious as to how you experienced my multi-perspective response. Especially since I recognize you are autonomous! :)

 

[TAW122]

I oftenly get lectured about what to do, how to live, and just critiqued (when I never asked for it).

That, my dear, is life. I'm not negating you. Please hear me out before you get offended by me, too!

People have a tendency to focus on others and project and try to control them because they are not self-aware, not self-controlled, and focus on others rather than themselves. It gives them false senses of power, control, and "rightness." They can't accept letting you do you, and have your own moods and your own way of doing things, but how much awareness and control do they have of their own selves and their own actions?

I love Brené Brown's analogy of showing up to the arena. Whenever one tries something, they're often going to get their asses kicked; if one isn't failing, it might be because they're not showing up. So as angry and frustrated at yourself as you may get, I personally respect that you showed up. If you fail, you fucking dared.

But the other really interesting thing about her analogy is that when you show up, you'll be noticed. You're in an arena, and there are spectators. Pay attention to who's in what seats. Those in the cheap seats just mindlessly criticize. Those in better seats will give constructive feedback. And there are also those who, whether you invited them or not, are actually showing up for you, and those who are true to you won't be down with hearing you beat yourself down, especially when you're not as low as your frustration is telling you that you are. Is it possible your frustration is angry at them for negating it? Is your frustration also in a seat, and is it the group of seats where all the rotten tomato-throwers hang out? Is your frustration your opponent in the arena and the one kicking your ass for daring to show up? Anyhow, folks in the cheap seats, you get to tell them to give constructive feedback or shut up. Or if they snuck in for a free show and it's none of their goddamn business, ignore them or ask them to show you their ticket stubs to prove they belong there, and at what level are their seats.

And of course, there is, like you say, the option of being alone, because there are just too damn many people who speak mindlessly and have no ability or desire to pay for the better seats. I went through something like that. I was in dire financial straights and in group housing with a shared kitchen. Every fucking day, starting first thing in the morning, was, "How are you?" Especially this one woman, mindlessly cheerful, living in her cloud that got her through her shit: "I'm blessed." No, she wasn't. Things could have been worse, but blessed? Anyhow, I got to the point where I felt assaulted by being asked all the time how I was. I saw these people every. fucking. day. And it's so often such a mindless question in Western society, with the expectation of a stock answer. I needed some space, so I started giving terse responses to the question, hoping that people would figure it out and stop asking. Did they take the hint? No. In retrospect, because people don't do well with hints (though if you tell them directly, they still may not get that the social norm is rather vapid, and they feel poked at, so it's a lose-lose when someone doesn't want to play the game they don't even recognize is just a mindless game -- like tossing me a ball when I'm NOT in the mood to play and toss it back.) Anyhow, several of the residents complained to the housing manager that in my terseness and in displaying a boundary, I was borderline bullying!

People generally don't like boundaries, they want to be let in, they want want that they want. So folks may not be appreciating that you are autonomous and will do things your own way. When you feel powerful and just fine with yourself, I think maybe (?) you won't feel poked as much by the lectures and critiques (remember my dining table conversion story?), because if they're not people who you respect or admire for how they live their own lives, and they don't respect how you live yours, then what they say can potentially become like background noise. For now, it's offensive; are they worthy of being offended by? Are they even remotely influential or important to you? What seats are they in? And if they complain to the housing manager, well, they just want you to play a really dumb game and they're probably never going to get it anyway. You don't have to get along with them. Obnoxious is obnoxious; mindlessness can be comforting to the mindless, while for others, it's obnoxious. It takes a long time for people to come out of the illusion and get that; some never do at all. Mindlessness can be really irritating when one is aware, until/if they get past it -- irritation is sometimes a first step in awareness, and that's not a bad thing, though it may feel bad.

Being around other humans can be a pain in the ass even when one isn't on the autism spectrum. Marcus Aurelius didn't fear death because, in general, humanity is not something to be missed, it's low level and pretty much sucks. I don't always have it in me to be magnanimous toward ignorance/unawareness; it takes a lot of inner resources and I am often drained by some damn heavy and draining shit or I'd be more indulgent and kind. But I also know that indulge reinforces controlling behaviors, so even if we're both uncomfortable, at least I'm no longer participating in being controlled and not having my autonomy and boundaries recognized and respected.

Curious as to how you experienced my multi-perspective response. Especially since I recognize you are autonomous! :)

Yeah that's true, I like the analogy and example of the arena. I think if anything I should just allow that annoyance and offense to fuel my readiness and reinforce my willingness to CTB. Now of course, I am not merely CTB'ing because of them, or because of some reasons, but they serve as a sign, a catalyst, and as further evidence that I don't wish to live in a hypocritical, unjust, delusional world, along with many other reasons (some personal and circumstantial) that I originally had. In other words, I am already going to CTB, it is a matter of time rather than "if", so they are just mere catalysts if nothing more.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

It depends on their motivations.

If they are genuinely saying it out of kindness then I actually really appreciate it. If it's not genuine, like a generic "motivational" image that's been posted many times, then it irritates me a bit.

To be fair though it isn't always easy determining a persons motives. Someone might care but they may not know what to do or what to say to you, so they might do something that seems fake when it isn't.

 

[Misery99]

Yes I get angry when people say it's all in my head and say life is all roses and sunshine blah blah. It doesn't help at all. It just pisses me off more. They have no idea of my suffering.

 

[MaisieWilliamsLover]

I dislike it, but I know that their heart is in the right place. To them it's the right thing to do; their friends cheer them up when they're down and it makes them feel better, so they assume it'll work the same for you. What kinda pisses me off is when I make a suicide post on Reddit and someone says something like "don't do it there are dogs/sunsets/movies/etc." like bro you really have a shallow conception of the human condition and life itself if you think that trivial pleasures are a valid reason for a suicidal person to keep living.

yeah one of my biggest pet peeves is when people stress to me to get a pet. I like animals and would never mistreat one but the idea that a pet could be anywhere equivocal to my wife and or my kids is just obnoxious to me.

 

[ArtySchopenhauer]

Yes!!! all the time. Most of these people have no understand of what they're talking about; they only spout out vapid platitudes. It feels like most of the time it's more for their own benefit than anyone else's. They mean any harm honestly, but it's still extremely annoying and infruiating. A lot of their "advice" is, if anything, invalidating and shallow. Perhaps it's unreasonable, but they still really piss me off.

 

[woxihuanni]

I feel murderous about the do yoga and take a walk thing, but I don't self-depreciate. My problem is not that I suck at things I want to achieve, my problem is somebody else who sucked at being human.

 

[Csmith8827]

Only if it's clearly a form of psychological manipulation to keep you in something you don't want to be in.