Does anyone feel like they want to commit suicide but don't want to die?

[davana]

Like the title says. I feel I'm getting closer and closer to my time killing myself. Slowly but surely, I built the means and everything is ready. The next step is just doing it. But it feels such a big jump. I have a strong urge to attempt suicide but I feel I don't want to die just yet; that's scary. I am not looking for attention, as I will try no one to ever realize. I wonder why I have that feeling. Like I said, it's not attention-grabbing, or at least I feel it's not. I guess it's just getting closer and closer and having more courage to finally go through it... Does anyone feel like that?

 

[darksideofthebright]

I totally feel you OP, even though I might not understand exactly what you are going through. I, myself, know that there are things that can make me feel better; the only problem is that they will not happen, not anytime soon and that hurts me so much.

What I can say to you, from my experience, is for you to try to connect to your thoughts through different things: talking to others (friends, strangers, therapists, etc.), journalling or maybe just talking out loud to yourself, just to get your thoughts untangled. It helped me see different routes in life (none of which seems appealing to me though) and get to the roots of my issues with life. I don't wish for you to go on with ctb or to change your mind, I just wish for you to be able to understand your thoughts more and what is holding you back. At the end of the day, no one wants to leave the world feeling panic, scared, frustrated and sad instead of feeling ready and content.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm all ear, along with many others on here. Before you make a decision though, try to exhaust every resource of support you can possibly get, including strangers on SS like me. All being said, I wish you peace and nothing but the best!

 

[Good4Nothing]

I'm the opposite. I want to die, but really don't want to commit suicide.

 

[davana]

I'm the opposite. I want to die, but really don't want to commit suicide.

I guess I'm just scared to die. Every night I go to bed wishing I won't wake up. So if everything were that easy... I feel I am just getting closer and closer to commit suicide, though, however the final jump seems so big...

I totally feel you OP, even though I might not understand exactly what you are going through. I, myself, know that there are things that can make me feel better; the only problem is that they will not happen, not anytime soon and that hurts me so much.

What I can say to you, from my experience, is for you to try to connect to your thoughts through different things: talking to others (friends, strangers, therapists, etc.), journalling or maybe just talking out loud to yourself, just to get your thoughts untangled. It helped me see different routes in life (none of which seems appealing to me though) and get to the roots of my issues with life. I don't wish for you to go on with ctb or to change your mind, I just wish for you to be able to understand your thoughts more and what is holding you back. At the end of the day, no one wants to leave the world feeling panic, scared, frustrated and sad instead of feeling ready and content.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm all ear, along with many others on here. Before you make a decision though, try to exhaust every resource of support you can possibly get, including strangers on SS like me. All being said, I wish you peace and nothing but the best!

Thanks! Unfortunately, there is no much left for me to live. I guess we all hang onto stupid hopes on "what if?". But those are futile. That, and people. Even if I know they will be better off without me, and they will feel bad only because of guilt, I still don't want anyone to suffer because of me... I wish there was an easier way out

 

[darksideofthebright]

I guess I'm just scared to die. Every night I go to bed wishing I won't wake up. So if everything were that easy... I feel I am just getting closer and closer to commit suicide, though, however the final jump seems so big...


Thanks! Unfortunately, there is no much left for me to live. I guess we all hang onto stupid hopes on "what if?". But those are futile. That, and people. Even if I know they will be better off without me, and they will feel bad only because of guilt, I still don't want anyone to suffer because of me... I wish there was an easier way out

I am so sorry to hear that. It is upsetting that life has driven you this far. Many people will be impacted, but to a certain extent, that sense of guilt will just be inevitable. I have told myself many times that after I am gone, I will no longer be attached to this world anymore and I will just enter the peaceful nothingness.

You seem like a caring person, so maybe before leaving everyone behind, a heartfelt note/video might be good? Just try to get yourself in a place where you feel ready, but if you never feel ready, I hope you know that we are here for you to vent with.

 

[Pookie]

I don't want to die but my life is a burning building with no hope of rescue. So if I had to choose between staying in the burning building or jumping out the window, I choose the window.

 

[everbuzzingone]

Yeah, I don't want to die but I'm so tired of living with constant physical torture and discomfort. I know that I don't want to miss out on all of the things that might happen in my lifetime, but in the end I feel like you die anyway and it doesn't matter what you experienced or didn't.

I don't want to do it myself but many days I wish I just don't wake up in the morning.

 

[YellowSneakers]

I just want my pain to end. By whatever means needed.

 

[daddy Phil :)]

I feel the same, for some reason I just feel like it's not my time to go yet. And idk why but lately I think about doing it in 2 years from now. It's so weird like why 2 years, is their something going to happen?

 

[AutoTap]

Just want suffering to stop

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I understand how you are feeling. I wish that I had some words of wisdom to share with you, but all I can offer is assurance that you aren't alone with your sentiment. Many times I imagine what my life could have been like in an alternate universe, and how i wish i could just be someone else rather than wanting to CTB.

 

[Thinking]

Yes! Like I want to splatter onto the sidewalk to relieve stress and then get up and go get icecream or something

 

[Toptock]

I feel similar but i understand why it is the case in my specific circumstances.

I want to ctb in the hopes of leaving what i perceive as a world that has left me impotent. Both spiritual and emotional. I feel powerless in the world in general, so I want to "leave the party." But i dont want to "die" because of its permanence and mystery. My hope is death will be freeing and peaceful, but I recognize its just another hedonistic desire for myself. I want to never worry about fear or anxiety, hopelessness and betrayal, so the opposite of that is the absence of work or stress in general. Death is a finality in all ways. Anything that follows is unique in nature, my fear is it'll just be another mistake. Like cutting off your arm to be rid of an itch. Except in this case its an itch from a void in what is my soul, I can't fill it, not with work, or even love. So the only option is to escape, but again, I'm guilty of wanting that total absence of anything that would interfere with peace.

 

[muffin222]

I find the process of dying really morbid and gross, honestly. That's part of what puts me off of attempting again. I want to commit suicide, but I'm squeamish about the physical process of death itself, if that makes sense

 

[MindFrog]

I'd prefer to disappear than to die honestly. If people dont remember me and i'll just go "poof", i would have done it.

 

[liluglibih]

Why don't you want to die?

 

[Aap]

It sounds like what you are looking for is an escape, or more aptly, a change.

 

[Antigonish]

All the time, better if I never existed.

 

[liluglibih]

I'd prefer to disappear than to do die honestly. If people dont remember me and i'll just go "poof", i would have done it.

Invisibility is my go to superpower of choice, sounds like yours too

 

[Kruger]

Like the title says. I feel I'm getting closer and closer to my time killing myself. Slowly but surely, I built the means and everything is ready. The next step is just doing it. But it feels such a big jump. I have a strong urge to attempt suicide but I feel I don't want to die just yet; that's scary. I am not looking for attention, as I will try no one to ever realize. I wonder why I have that feeling. Like I said, it's not attention-grabbing, or at least I feel it's not. I guess it's just getting closer and closer and having more courage to finally go through it... Does anyone feel like that?

I want to be dead but don't want to have to kill myself if that makes sense

I'm the opposite. I want to die, but really don't want to commit suicide.

Just saw your comment after I posted mine - we said exactly the same thing!

 

[Xiaomi]

The only way to end my pain is by suicide.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

This is how I feel when my suicidal urges come on.

The most serious one, after which I was sectioned, what I felt most was my brain reading about the method and saying to myself, "This is a good idea. You should do this."

I wasn't miserable, per se, or even wanting to die, just that I thought it would be a good idea to kill myself.

Mental illness is a bitch.

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

I wish I could just "blip" out of existence. Like poof and gone. At the same time I wish I didnt want to go. Theres gonna be anime and games that come out after I go that I'm sure I would've enjoyed, but at the same time I know the rest of the things associated with continuing to live dont make it worthwhile. I cant get SN in my country and have thus been denied my preferred method, but helium seems to be my next best bet

 

[Antigonish]

The only way to end my pain is by suicide.

Alcohol, cutting, and Novacaine

 

[davana]

Thank you all. I want my suffering to end, but I wish I didn't need to die for it. That's not the case. As my date was coming closer, I was feeling more and more scared. I felt that the only way I could ctb was by going there step by step, not really realizing I was going to die but just going slowly, knowing it's for my best. One step at a time. Well, but the final jump it's a jump after all. Much needed. I know it's the right thing to do, and if SI doesn't come up, I will go through tonight :) I hope so, I am still scared, but I know I will always be scared!

 

[Nyvu]

It's troublesome to go through the whole process since you still have to overpower your self preservation instincts. I would want to just die and be done with it.

 

[davana]

No, the fuck. You either want to die or you don't . There's no in between. I feel like you do just want attention, maybe talk to a therapist? I'm gonna die alone and unexpectedly I don't want anyone to find out I'm dying. Anyways, to answer your question, I do want to die and nothingness is better than this shit fest.

Maybe. I think it's more complicated though. I can't share with anyone that I am suicidal, I don't want anyone to know. I wish people will think I died of my illness and not suicide, so for all of that, I think it's not attention. Like I said, it's probably just a sense that I'm getting closer step by step. I gathered all the gadgets to ctb one by one, almost without realizing, I went through the steps, I wrote the good bye messages to be sent delayed, now the next step will be to go through and drink my SN. But that will be drinking SN and dying, it's two huge steps together!! I can handle only one at a time... but two??

Sometimes I also feel like UpandDownPrincess said. There is a voice saying you should really do it, go for it, kill yourself, while another voice sobs and asks why it really needs to be this way...

I am going to therapy, by the way, but I want to die because of a physical illness I have, so it's a bit more complicated than therapy. And I can't share with her my thoughts because she will send me to a mental hospital!

 

[peacechoice]

I don't want to die but my life is a burning building with no hope of rescue. So if I had to choose between staying in the burning building or jumping out the window, I choose the window.

Man, have never related to something so hard in my life.

 

[Donk]

 

[Quinlor]

For me seems the hell commit suicide and not die, I just want to die, dammit!