Does anyone ever really fully stop being suicidal? 18F

[idoticbrainstorming]

I've had suicidal thoughts since about 11 years old and first attempted suicide when I was 12 because of bullying and PTSD from being raped as an 8 year old both of which lead me to have extreme anxiety and depression so suicide felt like the best option.


I have had help on and off for years have tried antidepressants and the self help things that you're supposed to do but nothing helped. There's been times on and off over the past few years where things have gotten "better" and I've not been struggling as much but even then if any minor inconvenience would happen my mind would immediately jump to suicide. Now my life is the worst it's ever been.

I've become addicted to alcohol and nicotine and haven't been able to have any in a while or not much because ive been forced to stop because one time I got really drunk and attempted to take my own life and was hallucinating. This is tough because especially with the alcohol for a while I was getting drunk daily because it was helping me deal with my depression and PTSD. And I went from that to cold turkey no alcohol. I'm back to being suicidal. I don't think there will ever be a time I'm not suicidal no matter what I do.

And I find it hard to believe that anyone who is suicidal can ever fully recover. I feel like when you've gotten to the point where you're so done with life you want to kill yourself there's no recovering from that. You're permanently broken. People who say they've recovered from being suicidal of course I'm happy for them but I feel like they are either delusional or lying and will be suicidal again soon or are suicidal and covering it up.

 

[Kasumi]

I'd say when the reasons for you to ctb disappear, then you'd stop being suicidal.
Also congrats on getting away from alcohol, if that's the only thing that helped, why not ask ur doctor for similar meds that are less harmful.
If depressants help you then there are enough meds out there that aren't toxic.

 

[Suicide Girl]

Provavelmente não foi encontrado a dosagem ou medicação correta para você..tive uma grande crise a 4 meses atrás e comecei um tratamento medicamentoso e posso te dizer que perto do que estava antes os meus pensamentos suicidas diminuíram consideravelmente..visto que no momento da crise eu não conseguia pensar em outra coisa além do suicídio.

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

It's ups and downs I believe. When life is going well, you don't have much to worry and haven't fucked up bad recently, you are blissful and want to continue life at it is. But when things start crumbling around you, you crave for that blissfulness, try to recover and you want to work towards it or you find everything worthless and want to simply end it. That's my personal experience at least.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm sorry for the horrific suffering you have experienced.

For you, with that level of trauma, MDMA therapy when it is available is promising. Especially if you are 18, hopefully it will become available and the preliminary results look worth the wait.

I am 46. I have had the odd week off being suicidal thanks to various meds/supplements. Some people are luckier with meds than me. I do ageee though that for some/many it is lifelong.

 

[clara_bow]

I've had suicidal thoughts since about 11 years old and first attempted suicide when I was 12 because of bullying and PTSD from being raped as an 8 year old both of which lead me to have extreme anxiety and depression so suicide felt like the best option.


I have had help on and off for years have tried antidepressants and the self help things that you're supposed to do but nothing helped. There's been times on and off over the past few years where things have gotten "better" and I've not been struggling as much but even then if any minor inconvenience would happen my mind would immediately jump to suicide. Now my life is the worst it's ever been.

I've become addicted to alcohol and nicotine and haven't been able to have any in a while or not much because ive been forced to stop because one time I got really drunk and attempted to take my own life and was hallucinating. This is tough because especially with the alcohol for a while I was getting drunk daily because it was helping me deal with my depression and PTSD. And I went from that to cold turkey no alcohol. I'm back to being suicidal. I don't think there will ever be a time I'm not suicidal no matter what I do.

And I find it hard to believe that anyone who is suicidal can ever fully recover. I feel like when you've gotten to the point where you're so done with life you want to kill yourself there's no recovering from that. You're permanently broken. People who say they've recovered from being suicidal of course I'm happy for them but I feel like they are either delusional or lying and will be suicidal again soon or are suicidal and covering it up.

In AA they say no one ever stops being an addict you can take away the substances but once you hardwire into your brain that *insert vice here* is a way out when things go bad you'll think of it

 

[philia]

i've found myself not wanting to cbt before, and although those thoughts have since come back, i used to think i would never not be suicidal, and somehow i was able to have a few moments where i was not. deep down i do feel like it is basically impossible to fully recover from suicidal thoughts, but i have been proven wrong before and i hope i am proven wrong again, i hope you have this hope in you and i hope things get better, you're so so young and you've been through so much in your life and i'm so proud of you for pulling through all the way till now.