Does anyone else worry about how their death would impact others

[JustABunchOfAtoms]

I thinking about this with the loneliness thread. But I don't want to hijack someone else's thread.

Most here feel lonely but I don't. In fact, I'm the opposite

I'm a very popular person. I have this a quality were after talking to someone for about a day, I become their favourite person. And I'm not exaggerating.

And I hate it. It makes ctbing hard, both because when I "go missing" people go out of their way to look for me and increases the chances of me getting "caught".

Also, I'm a "people person", in that case meaning that I like most people and am more empathetic that most so knowing they will be upset by my death, even a tiny bit, makes me feel guilty.

Also thinking about it, I'm white, a woman and a "vulnerable adult". If I ctb it will likely make the news. There are people who get upset when people ctb in general, even if the person who ctb was a stranger.

 

[RepressedMind]

I'm worried about how my parents will feel, especially my mother. I'm afraid that if I die she will die herself and I can't allow myself to do this to her.

 

[win32]

I don't care about how it will affect anyone except the one person who I love more than anything in the world (former partner, still extremely close, just not romantic), who's already depressed. It's the only thing that makes me at all hesitant.

 

[Gnip]

As long as my mother's alive, I'm alive. I have distanced myself from everybody else, but could never distance myself from her. I promised her that I would not CTB during her lifetime, but have also vowed that I will not live long enough for her to be interred before I exit this world.

I'm trying to get myself together for obtaining nitrogen and sodium nitrite CTB supplies, but will do a self decapitating long drop hang in an emergency (like if my mother doesn't wake up some morning).

 

[justsad&done]

The only thing that keeps me here is knowing how much my suicide would hurt others in my life. It is the back and forth in my own head every day -- do I stick around for them and stay sad and miserable...or is it time to go. finally?

 

[summers]

Short answer - no, I don't. I'll be gone, and everyone I know will have to move on with their lives, or not. Nothing I will be able to do about it, so why worry?

 

[so it goes]

I do feel lonely very often. Not because I don't have friends or people around me.

Feeling alone with my thoughts.

I do worry how it would impact my girlfriend. Very much. I promised her I wouldn't abandon her. Sometimes I doubt if I can keep the promise. But I have to.

 

[sephlove]

I'm worried about my younger brother and sister.

But they're smart kids. They'll accomplish great things.

 

[Mentalmick]

Yes, when my mother was alive.

 

[Konjac]

Yeah. I'm lucky to have a couple close friends and a caring family, and I think my death will have a massive impact on them. It makes me feel so damn guilty every time I think about it but I try to remind myself that grief is one of those things that gets better with time. Y'know, sure they'll be upset, but I feel like they'll get over it and be back to normal in no time. Maybe even be relieved to finally be rid of this absolute deadweight. In the long run they'd all be better off without me. Doesn't stop me from worrying about their reactions, though,

 

[LittleJem]

I worry my bf will blame himself. I try and prepare him!
I was worried about who will identify my body, but discussed it today.
My brother will be upset and it might have a knock on effect on my sister. But it's torture to stay alive.

 

[demuic]

I was worried about my mother, that was the only thing keeping me here, now I'm not so sure.

 

[Nimbus]

My bf of 12+ yrs is the only reason I'm still here and it doesn't even make sense any more. He's had a lot of death in his life - close family members - so it tears me up to think of doing this to him. But as awful as it sounds, it's time. He's not happy either and he'll never move on and find happiness if I stick around. Still, I know my death will be so very hard for him and he doesn't deserve that pain. We've talked about it and he agrees it makes no sense for me to just live for him or for anyone else. Logically, I know he'll get over my death eventually be ok but it's so hard to keep reminding myself of that. Emotionally, it's torture.

 

[Essence]

Perhaps I am selfish personified. I know it will devastate my folks and my boyfriend, but this does not sway me. Maybe ya'll know what I mean? The drive is so great, the thoughts are so etched, it seems impossible anymore to feel it is wrong to end in this realm.

 

[Antigonish]

No, I just automatically assume no one cares. Kinda feels like everyone hates me. Even if the don't. I yell out I'm depressed or I'm gonna kill myself and they all laugh like it a joke. They all seem to think I have a morbid since of humor, when really I have no humor. Im just really good at faking a smile, and I'm always smiling when I feel like crying, when I feel like dying. It is my mask.
Beware of his wickedly beautiful smile.

 

[issyishere]

I have a little sister I really don't want finding my body. I get tearful just thinking of the ways it would affect her.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

My gf and my cat, yeah.

 

[Ringo]

Yes and no, I am not worried about how my parents, my family or the rest of the people I live with react, but I am concerned about how my suicide may affect my close friends, even if we have been interacting for a long time only by virtual means, I would try to leave everything in order before moving on to the afterlife, when someone close to you commits suicide many times the feeling of "I could always do something else" is quite persistent, I know well how terrifying the grief linked to guilt can be and not I want the people who matter most to me in this world to go through it.

 

[MindFrog]

Yes, a bit too much honestly. I'm going to deliberately hurt them for doing so. Sometimes when we fight, I get this ugly thought that "at least they'll hate for this and It'll soften the blow". It gets to the point that I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship with my parents. I dont know anymore.

 

[Estrela do Sol]

MEUS PAIS SÃO IDOSOS. EU PENSO MUITO NELES. MAS EM QUEM REALMENTE ME PREOCUPO É COM MINHA FILHA ADOLESCENTE. ELA É O UNICO MOTIVO PARA EU AINDA ESTÁ AQUI. NAO SEI ATÉ QUANDO VOU AQUENTAR.

 

[xLosthopex]

Yes
I feel like I am known by too many people, especially on social media, and it worries me mostly because I know there will be a lot of 'talk' once I ctb but I kinda just want to disappear and not have all those people discussing and speculating about why I did what I did etc

 

[Secrets1]

Yes, a bit too much honestly. I'm going to deliberately hurt them for doing so. Sometimes when we fight, I get this ugly thought that "at least they'll hate for this and It'll soften the blow". It gets to the point that I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship with my parents. I dont know anymore.

+1

 

[WornOutLife]

I used to but not anymore.
I've realized I need to be selfish in order to CTB and in the end, I never asked to be born so my parents are kinda guilty too even though I love them.

 

[fixitinpost]

I told myself I wouldn't do it before my aging mother passes away. She lost her first son to suicide, and I want her to live out the rest of her life in peace. But it's really fucking hard sometimes.

 

[Mongo]

My mother"s suicide when I was 6, followed by my brother 8 years later in his 21st birthday hurt me.
But I get the need.

My girlfriend will only miss the security, money, and help that I provided. She won't miss me, emotionally.

I guess I will leave as I entered. Alone, covered in gook.

 

[Fizz]

I have had a hard time receiving support from my friends for my MH, to the point I just don't talk about it anymore. I'm sad about not having an outlet but being alone makes it worse, and a few have avoided me for weeks if I admitted to being in crisis. I know they would be surprised now since I'm "over it" in their eyes, and maybe a little sad, but the biggest feeling would probably be relief.

 

[Eurus]

I do

 

[RedRed]

I worry about this all the damn time. It's my main reason as to I'm still in this horrible, insipid world. But they also don't do shit regarding my mental well being. I love them very much, but deeply disappointed at how they handle things. Well it is what it is ahaha

 

[Nicebuddimtim]

Whole reason I'm still here honestly. I want to make as little impact with my life/death as possible with certain people having put in effort to help me I don't want to throw it back in their face but I have no choice it's just a waiting game really.

 

[Meditation guide]

I take pleasure in knowing the fact I'm still here must make certain bullies gnash their teeth, if they even have teeth.