Does anyone else want their internet history read by others after their CTB?

[dearlybeloved998]

Unlike a lot of users here, I'm not planning to delete any of my social media (besides Instagram cuz it's a waste of time and I don't want my data collected by the metaverse). I'm leaning my discord and my reddit history completely untouched. I'm leaning this forum and other mental health/suicide related forums I'm active in completely untouched. I'm leaving journals and I'm planning to put fragments of them into a semi-autobiographical novel documenting my experience with mental illness and having a personality disorder (tbh probably more than one).

I'm leaving notes for every single therapist and psychiatrist I've ever had, and most importantly for my older sister who I'm leaving behind after I CTB. I'm waiting for my grandma to die because I don't want her to know that I have all these mental issues. I want my sister, my far relatives and all my discord friends to read my online history, my journals and my notes and to understand my pain. I want them to understand my feelings, my fears, my concerns, my beliefs about the world... I want them to truly know me.

I feel like nobody in my offline life truly knows me. A discord server that I created is the first place I confessed to experiencing symptoms of mental illness and the first place I confessed my CTB thoughts. I'm planning to write a suicide note on Google docs specifically for all the people online that have changed my life for the better and post it on every social networking app I have. I'm also leaving a box of objects owned by my father and mother throughout their lives (both suffered from either severe disability or depression, psychosis and personality disorders, and both eventually died due to addiction).

I want people to read these journals, these notes, these forum posts, these old letters, and read into my mind.

I might even post a video of my suicide on a gore forum I don't care whether people will empathize with me and feel sorry or if I will cater to sadists who thirst for suffering, I just want my pain acknowledged, I don't care whether I will inspire compassion from those watching or whether I'll feed the sick minds of psychopaths, I just want the fact that I CTBed and suffered for my sanity to be "out there". In fact, Ill admit I like the thought of my agony being enjoyed by sick minds. I'm not sure why. I'm planning to make it very gory and painful, almost like a self torture ceremony. But also very pleasant, might add some morphine to enhance it, and have a good mood before I go. I want to feel intense things, both good and bad. My brains reward system is so destroyed that it has blurred the line between pain and pleasure, agony and ecstacy. For me both are the same at this point. Part of the reason why I am choosing to CTB is inability to feel, let alone feel anything intense and profound so before I go I want to get a little bit of both. Am I sick in the head?

 

[little helpers]

me. I agree you to death (no pun intended). nobody has truly got to know me irl. either I withheld it or they just don't care. while it do be true that I have to tiptoe around them.

I have stuff that I want published postmortem. and I want someone to put all my SS and Reddit posts/comments into a compilation and people can read it at my funeral. I want my death note to be the funniest shit possible so they can all laugh themselves to death (strictly figuratively). I want that.

but hey, I don't have that someone and nobody's gonna come to my funeral party.

suicide or not, enough people want to be remembered fondly and leave a impact when they go. that which I didn't get in life, I'd like to have it through death.

even though *I* won't be there to know.

 

[Sherri]

No, I'm writing a book about my life since I can remember being a kid, written by hand, it has a few completed note pads already. And I will give it to someone I know and love dearly once is done. So far I've finished high shool and looking for a job, it's amazing on how the words just flow on that pen,things I didn't even remembered .

 

[xLosthopex]

No thanks, it's cringe as hell

 

[StevieNixs]

Umm not sure I care at this point.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Sometimes - yes. But it would take too much effort on my part to go through my online trail and compile all the breadcrumbs into a nice neat little stale pile of rubbish.

Then again, even if they read every last word I ever wrote / typed - they still would likely not understand. There is nothing I can say or do that will make them understand. Rather spare myself the trouble of expending the mental energy on trying.

They may find my posts - here and elsewhere. They may not. In either case, they will try to rationalise and find something other than themselves to blame. They will likely fail, else find something and cling to it as if their very life depended on it - because it may, at that point. Eventually they will move on and for the most part I will be forgotten. A dysfunctional memory in passing.