I feel as though my existence is more tragic towards those around me than it is to me. I'm a complete failure who has only burdened those closest to me. My family only likes me because of the image that they've projected on to me, an image that I've spent most of my life trying to uphold. They refuse to acknowledge the actual damage I've caused all of them. There's only been a few moments in my life in which they've been honest about said frustation with my existence and how it's ruined their lives. Otherwise, they're in complete denial about it.
It sucks because it makes ctbing harder for me to do. Yesterday, my dad kept on talking about how much I understand him and kept on talking about how smart I am (I'm actually a major idiot). It made me wish that I had the guts to reveal all of the shitty things I've done since it would mean him shedding that image of me he has in head and making him resent me. It be easier to ctb if my family resented me, especially him. My family's love for "me" is something that I'm both thankful for but that I also hate. Knowing that this fake version of me is who they love and that if they knew who I really was and could see me for the horrible person I am, the person who has caused them so much pain, that they would probably disown me immediately, hurts.
