Discussion Does anyone else torture themselves by hanging onto slivers of hope or possibility that things will get better?

[ItsAllTooLate]

I wish there was some way to know for sure that I'm totally fucked, so I could know for sure whether to CTB. But instead I'm constantly torturing myself by hanging onto the possibility that things will get better, knowing full well they may not. I keep getting disappointed but some part of me remains optimistic. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. This hurts too much.

 

[Septim]

Same. It's total hell. Always disappointed but always just a thread of hope

 

[schopenh]

Yea, a tiny sliver of hope that my medical problem will spontaneously resolve is essentially all that's keeping me here; fueled by pure SI presumably.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

All the time tbh, which is partly why I shut myself off from optimism. People can't stomach the idea of telling you that your life sucks and you should kill yourself, so instead I'm just told that it will get better, and since I'm emotionally a wet sponge I instantly go with what people tell me hoping that there will be a way out. Of course nothing gets better, and I feel like I'm just being picked up and dropped over and over.

 

[ItsAllTooLate]

Can't stop crying man. Even worse, I already tried to CTB a bunch of times that the amount of failures gave me even more survival instinct. Like I guess I just gave up out of sheer exhaustion from failure or something. In fact for awhile CTB seemed like a foreign concept for me and I swore I prized life again. But then shit happened in my life and the wool was pulled out from over my eyes. And here I am holding onto tiny bits of hope hoping that things will get better anyway, even though this has happened time and time again. What a fucking life to live. This is excruciating.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

I have a tiny bit of hope. Idk why.

 

[Vault of Memories]

I do and it only makes matters worst. I think when I'm kind of manic I feel as if I've suffered through so much that it only seems right that a miracle happens. That and my CTB date as of now is on Saturday, sometimes I feel like something good is going to happen to make me avoid doing the inevitable. But there really is no miracle that can do such thing. I've lost so much of my life to depression, I feel like I was robbed 13/14 years and counting...nothing can bring that back.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I think it's a pretty natural feeling to want to hold on for a sliver of hope. You're right, it is self torture of a kind, but there's always that chance isn't there? And sometimes, that hope does materialise, and then just as quickly disappears one day. Believe me, I know that one all too well.
Anyway I guess what I want to say is that you aren't alone on this one. I'm right there with you. I may not feel your pain or know your situation, but I don't think we're worlds apart on this one.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Yea always fucks me at the end of the day

 

[Already Gone now]

I find that I'm a huge coward and haven been able to go past the final step... There's always a "what if"hanging around that prevents me from going All the way and I feel angry at this. One little doubt throws a perfect plan to fucking wind and I have some rationality stop me.