A lot of things hit me at night, or rather, when I'm attempting to sleep. (My sleep schedule is all over the place and other people's "day" often becomes my "night").
I have so much distress and trauma, past and present, so much fear, so many tear or rage-inducing things enter my mind when I'm trying to shut it off and go to bed. They are real things that occurred or are still occurring, but a person needs to sleep and I don't have the energy to re-live or evaluate my nightmare of an existence at the hour my head hits the pillow.
My brain also seems to be the type that never shuts the fuck up, it always needs to be thinking about something or multiple things at once, which would be pretty useful to me if I didn't have so much hell and so little joy for it to dig its claws into.
I rely on it for abstract thought and imagination, which saves me temporarily from my torture, but Jesus Christ, I wish I could literally just flip a switch when I have to go to bed.
I think part of the problem is that I feel incredibly trapped and though I do probably appreciate time alone more than the average person, I am not naturally someone who wants to stay cooped up and laze around all day. Even after all this time, I get so antsy, my mind wants a life to invest in, interests to cling to.
I had ambition and dreams once, but my situation stripped me of the ability to follow them. I am fatigued, I have no will and no hope, energy and motivation are gone, and rightfully so given the context and permanence of my circumstances.
Isolating in my room and living an existence similar to what you described, it is simply the lesser of two evils for me.
But maybe that's not the case for you.
Is there something stopping you from coming out from the walls of your mind and seeking company? Or does company cause you more pain than loneliness? Try to pursue what will benefit you more and harm you less.
And hey, at least you don't have to hide your ugly face like I do and can show yourself on a dating profile. I mean, I have no interest in dating anyhow, and I do detest how those apps/sites make it easier for the already intensely superficial aspect of relationships to thrive.
But I also know, if I had a different mental make-up and signed up to one of those nasty things for kicks, I would be in for a world of rejection. I cannot stand typical social media either, but again, I know I am also the kind of person who would either be insulted or ignored based on my appearance. I have witnessed it occur with others far too many times. And I'm done adding to the shitty memory/humiliation bank.
I am so glad for sites like this that are anonymous, I can finally speak my mind without fear that someone will invalidate my opinion with a put down about my profile picture. (Although I have had some harassment that used my own pain and lack of certain privileges against me on here. I guess it's not completely escapable.)
...
This might not make you feel any better coming from me, but if I had to "swipe" in whatever direction to accept someone-or message them-based on their description, I would skip the fad hikers (everyone does it now!) and the egotistical gym rats (working out should not be someone's "personality trait" or whole world IMO) and I would be a thousand times more interested in someone with knowledge or passion about books and movies.
Although, many hipster types can be just as obnoxious about those topics lol still, I find them genuinely more interesting.
I'm sure there are people who share your interests and value them, the only thing is, most people put all their stock in appearances when it comes to online dating. Some people don't even bother with a description because they are that empty, and used to relying on their visage.
It's the same in the "real world", the shallowness, but the dating sites remove that very important and natural aspect of meeting someone organically, where you may not even like them at first, they may be in the periphery, but you come to really appreciate and find endearing nuance in your interactions with them. I mean this for not just romantic partners, but even platonic relationships. Any connection that relieves others of loneliness. Some even find it on a site like this, or other forums where they feel more free to be themselves. But if you need actual, in person, human interaction, that requires coming out of your current zone or being lucky enough to have people who may care so much about you that they meet you half way.
If you have shame and self-pity for other reasons, I'm not so sure other people or a lack of technical loneliness will help.
To find worth, we must have certain things already in place to build more worth upon.
If you can find some base, some solid ground to stand on, maybe you can begin from there, build yourself up, expand upon your interests or invest even more into the ones you already have. They are not less important or less suggestive of an "actual life", if you favor them authentically.
