Discussion Does anyone else regret reaching out for help?

[MelancholicMundane]

I've suffered from depression and wanting to CTB ever since I was 10 or 11 but never told anyone because I knew it would cause a burden/stress for those around me. I hoped it would eventually go away, but now I'm hitting 24 and my life is at it's lowest point. I have a CTB method planned and have already made preparations. However, I was calling a friend late one night and ended up voicing my desire to just end it all. They tried talking me out of it and I saw they were clearly distressed, so I pretended like I was just having a moment and told them not to worry about it too much. My family is also somewhat aware of my mental instability, but I don't think they know how serious it is.

I regret reaching out for help because I still plan to go forward with my CTB, but now my family/friends will probably feel immense guilt over my death. They'll probably feel like they could have done more to help me. I wish I had never asked for help in the first place, so I could have died unexpectedly for them and alleviated a sliver of their guilt. Now if I die, I feel like they will blame themselves even more despite it not being their fault whatsoever. It's just my brain that is broken and I don't want them to feel responsible because at the end of the day it is my decision and my own actions to blame.

 

[pictures]

I feel this way almost all the time when I about to ask somebody for help I always remember that I might get put in a hospital for even mentioning it

 

[Ligand]

I've read tons of stories of people that have lost loved ones to suicide. The people that never get over it are the ones that are completely blindsided. People seem to understand more if there's a good reason for someone killing themselves and if the reason had persisted for an extended period of time.

The ones that go out suddenly and without warning seem like they stood a much better chance of being saved. And to be honest they probably did.

 

[Lary]

Sofro de depressão e desejo fazer CTB desde os 10 ou 11 anos, mas nunca contei a ninguém porque sabia que isso causaria um fardo/estresse para as pessoas ao meu redor. Eu esperava que isso acabasse, mas agora estou fazendo 24 anos e minha vida está no ponto mais baixo. Tenho um método CTB planejado e já fiz os preparativos. No entanto, certa noite, eu estava ligando para um amigo tarde da noite e acabei expressando meu desejo de acabar com tudo. Eles me procuraram dissuadir e vi que estavam claramente angustiados, então fingiram que estavam apenas tendo um momento e disse-lhes para não se preocuparem muito com isso. A minha família também está um pouco consciente da minha instabilidade mental, mas não acredito que saibam a gravidade da situação.

Lamento ter procurado minha ajuda porque ainda pretendo obrigações com meu CTB, mas agora família/amigos provavelmente sentirão uma culpa imensa pela minha morte. Eles provavelmente sentirão que poderiam ter feito mais para me ajudar. Eu gostaria de nunca ter pedido ajuda, para poder ter morrido inesperadamente por eles e aliviado um pouco de sua culpa. Agora, se eu morrer, sinto que eles vão se culpar ainda mais, apesar de não serem culpa deles. É apenas meu cérebro que está quebrado e não quero que eles se sintam responsáveis, porque no final das contas a culpa é minha e de minhas ações.

Eu Já pensei em CTB parecer acidente, para minha família não sofrer, mas não consegui elaborar um plano.

 

[Pomegranate]

I've suffered from depression and wanting to CTB ever since I was 10 or 11 but never told anyone because I knew it would cause a burden/stress for those around me. I hoped it would eventually go away, but now I'm hitting 24 and my life is at it's lowest point. I have a CTB method planned and have already made preparations. However, I was calling a friend late one night and ended up voicing my desire to just end it all. They tried talking me out of it and I saw they were clearly distressed, so I pretended like I was just having a moment and told them not to worry about it too much. My family is also somewhat aware of my mental instability, but I don't think they know how serious it is.

I regret reaching out for help because I still plan to go forward with my CTB, but now my family/friends will probably feel immense guilt over my death. They'll probably feel like they could have done more to help me. I wish I had never asked for help in the first place, so I could have died unexpectedly for them and alleviated a sliver of their guilt. Now if I die, I feel like they will blame themselves even more despite it not being their fault whatsoever. It's just my brain that is broken and I don't want them to feel responsible because at the end of the day it is my decision and my own actions to blame.

It sucks, I know. You've been going through this depressive episode for many years. You've tried getting help, be it from loved ones or the medical community, but nothing's worked. Now, you feel like you regret asking for help, since if you CTB, your family might feel guilty for not doing enough to assist you.

When I first got help, I didn't tell anyone about it. It was only when things got really bad that I was forced to provide an explanation to my family for my changing circumstances. Even now, after they saw me trying for years to get help and failing to go into remission, they seem perplexed by my mental conditions. They don't really get it, and I don't expect them to, but maybe they can at least understand that I'm going through a really difficult time.

 

[quietwater]

I understand how you feel, because I used to think about this too. I tried to reach out for help, and people actually listened (or HEARD me), but like your family and friends, they just got worried and it somehow felt worse for me for your same reasons. At the same time, I felt more light hearted. I mean, the burden on my heart increased after reaching out, but knowing that someone knew made me think that they cared. That I wasn't really that alone, if someone worried about my condition. It's selfish that a part of me feels this way, I know, but I can't help it. I wish I could turn back and not tell anyone, but I did, and even if they don't get it I know they know. I feel terrible knowing this, of course I do, but there's this little part of me that thinks that they care enough for worrying, even if I feel guilty.

I wish you the best, if you feel like reaching out just do it. This is my ""suggestion"". You have any right to reach out, carrying everything on your own can be tiring, and it's okay to ask for help, or just to express yourself, even if it might make you feel a bit guilty after <3

 

[haibane]

no cause i never asked anyone for help tbh. Im too afraid of being put into a psych ward

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Sadly I don't have any advice on how to deal with these feelings but at the very least I can relate. My situation is kinda different since the reason I wanna CBT is because I tried reaching out for help and that damaged me severely but when it comes to telling your close ones vs keeping it all to yourself, I personally believe that if a person feels like CBT is unavoidable then explaining that to their loved ones (either directly or through a note/video, depending on the individual's circumstances) would lessen the pain and the guilt to some extent compared to simply going through with it and leaving them in the dark.

 

[LittleJem]

hi, I understand you don't want to worry people, but it sounds like you haven't tried even one medication yet. Perhaps you owe it to your family/friends to give it a try to recover, as you have endured suffering for so long. Some people do get lucky with medication and you could be one of the lucky ones...To go straight to CTB without trying a medication after enduring life for so long - you have the strength already to keep going for a bit longer and give the meds a try.

There are so many people suffering this way, you know you are not alone. And lots of celebrities who have maybe come through with meds or with life.

you are old enough to go to the doctor and request meds without your family even knowing. I would do that urgently as it takes up to three months for the meds to kick in. The Facebook support groups for meds are useful if you are on the evil facebook.

 

[letmejoindeath]

Every time I have ever reached out for help from law enforcement, social services, religious institutions, mental health facilities my life has genuinely become significantly worse. In fact, if I never reached out for help I probably wouldn't want to CTB in the first place.

 

[bridgegirl]

I regret it because the fact that all of my efforts failed made me feel worse. Like confessing to friends was just an abysmal nightmare, literally they all ignored me. It would've been better to keep it to myself rather than confirm that I have no friends and no one cares.

 

[SketchedOut]

i regret reaching out irl because every single time i have, everyone either did not understand me whatsoever, or better yet, just invalidated my feelings and ended up sounding like they're trying to make me feel guilty.

over the internet, though, i at the very least have a support circle that actually understands me. i don't regret reaching out there, because they all made my stay here a lot more bearable, and i think that they all already know that it's not their fault if i end up killing myself.