Venting Does anyone else push people away?

[Never Free]

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I finally find someone I enjoy talking to and I manage to push them away, then I look back and realise what a stupid wanker I've been.

I keep hoping that someone might be able to give me a reason to stay alive for a little while longer but I'm getting so tired of doing this, of being alone.

I kind of try to avoid people, partly because the suicidality is ever present, and I feel guilty connecting to them. I also have lots of problems with trust. Much connected to my past.

 

[Salvacion]

Many have reached out....I push away and hurt and feel sooooo guilty. Then I stupidly wonder why they do t return. I had so many friends and colleagues and ruined it all. Now as I face the toughest barrier, I'm alone

 

[406metallicblue]

Has it ever occurred to any mental health professional that BPD is the direct result of abuse and trauma suffered early in life?

Is it my fault I was dealt a really bad hand in the form of a dead father, a narcissistic mom, and an abusive brother? And that all my family cared about were appearances and achievement?

Who wouldn't get BPD in this "family" environment, let alone this "social" one. I've met many "successful" people who are married and outwardly mentally "well" but they are cruel human beings. Some of them are now serving at the highest levels in the government (an uncle, a HS bully).

At this point I'm proud I don't fit into this glass menagerie of misfit toys.

It seemed to be abundantly clear to my med health professional that a lot of my issues were based around lack of a healthy, nurturing childhood environment, psychological and some physical abuse. My parents and siblings weren't bad people per se, just misguided and the whole thing turned out messy for everyone.

i agree that the people who fit most comfortably into society are to be avoided.