Discussion Does anyone else not want to get better?

[Rocksandsand]

For years I have tried everything short of ECT to treat my depression. Nothing has even partly worked over the past ten years - multiple medications and medication combinations, psychiatrists, psychologists, and a psychiatric admission haven't shifted my symptoms. I am as treatment-resistant as they come, it seems.

I saw my General Practitioner yesterday, and he said that we need to keep trying, and I had the sudden realisation that I don't even want to get better anymore. I stopped all medications a month ago because they weren't working, and I have no desire to start another treatment regime anymore. I have experienced a massive shift from wanting to get better, to wanting to make my survival bearable until I can CTB.

I have an ongoing court matter which I expect to result in maybe $20,000 compensation which will pay for my funeral and allow some money for my father and brother. That's what's keeping me here, along with my dog. But I no longer want to recover anymore. I just want to get through the court stuff and then CTB.

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[bruisedmind]

I know exactly what you mean. My fear is that 'getting better' is only temporarily tricking myself into believing I'll be ok, only to have my world come crashing down again and being worse off than ever, thinking I'd had a taste of being 'normal' to lose it all over again

 

[Alan James]

I don't feel anything (as if I've already died) - even depression and anxiety, no feelings, emotions or desires. I do nоt want anything, everything causes disgust and contempt - I do not want to try to treat it (this is impossible - nothing helps), it seems to me now I just see the world and myself as it really is.

 

[Sailfisher]

I got better once before and the three years were wonderful. I hope for another chance.

 

[ExitTheDay]

I've tried everything in my power to get "Better" but it eventually all comes crashing down again, geuss I'll just need to accept this fate

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

You should listen to you don't know by katelyn tarver it's exactly how I feel it's about giving up and just lit wanting to be ok

 

[Retched]

I don't know what 'better' will look like. I've lost all of the pleasure in life. I guess right now I would just be content at having more than just a few fleeting moments of 'ok.'

 

[Rocksandsand]

I don't know what 'better' will look like. I've lost all of the pleasure in life. I guess right now I would just be content at having more than just a few fleeting moments of 'ok.'

Oh god, that's so accurate. To feel okay just for a moment would be magic

 

[whatever1111]

Oh god, that's so accurate. To feel okay just for a moment would be magic

yeah, just plain, boring non-suffering would be enough at this point...

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I think a lot of us can relate... welcome home to a safe place to be authentic and open.

 

[Egddios]

It's hard to imagine feeling "better" or even "normal", for whatever that means.

I've been suicidal since elementary school and just recently saw my 36th birthday. My first suicide attempt happened on my 30th birthday, so of course I think of all that's transpired in the years since that first attempt and I now no longer believe I will improve.

For the record, I've attended therapy, have voluntarily gone inpatient, had 9 ECT treatments in 2017, and have been prescribed all kinds of medications (I'm diagnosed with PTSD/MDD/Panic disorder). I've been zombified by Thorazine and Haldol, have tried Respirodone, Propanalol, Gaba Pentin, Effexor, Cymbalta, Prozac and now I find myself on Zoloft, which is having an ill effect on me, similar to the brain zaps I felt on Effexor.

The one medication that ever made a difference for me in a positive way was/is Klonopin, as I have extreme anxiety and this medication allowed me to be able to leave my apartment. A small victory.

All this said, I'm done. It's not so much I don't believe I will or could get better, it's more like I'm burnt out from seeing some truly terrible psychiatrists and having to fight tooth and nail just to get a reasonable prescription for Klonopin. Most psychiatrists want to try every other medication they can and even when they don't work, they are reluctant to prescribe a benzodiazepine. Feels like the Twilight Zone at times.

I'm tired of fighting and have lost so much since my first attempt. "Friends" abandoned me, family cast me out. If I'm supposed to hang on or do the best for me, I see death as the best option. I want peace from all of this. I am tired of being treated like a "crazy person"; I used to truly enjoy helping others and trying to be a part of the community, specifically in advocacy for those with mental health issues. I've come to the realization, I can't even help myself, no matter how many times I try and explain my pain to my psychiatrist.

He simply hears what he wants to hear. I had an appointment with him this morning and the thought of it, of seeing him, made me sick to my stomach, so I cancelled.

I'm planning to end it finally this weekend, if not tonight. I have the necessary supplies and I am ready.

P.S. I want to add, I am so very grateful for this site and community. You guys have kept me going this far and I appreciate you all. Much love and respect. Thank you.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Most of the time yes. But sometimes I wish I didn't have my problems cause I would've loved to be in law school or the FBI basking in a fabulous life of black excellence that would've been me. Steady rising to the top of my career. Unfortunately though, I can't. I'm overcome by a desire to simply not want to try anymore. I don't wanna be here reveling at my own utter failures with a sick knowledge that I will never be anything in life. I'm doomed

 

[wanttodie]

I don't want to get better I want my life to be over

 

[Kringle's Curse]

No, I don't want to get better. Even if I did, I'd still be a worthless piece of shit with no future.

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't feel anything (as if I've already died) - even depression and anxiety, no feelings, emotions or desires. I do nоt want anything, everything causes disgust and contempt - I do not want to try to treat it (this is impossible - nothing helps), it seems to me now I just see the world and myself as it really is.

I do too, but I cope by finding morbid, ugly joy in the absurdity of it all.
Sometimes that includes gallows humor and cruel laughter at the things people do, but I would never actually laugh at them in person to try to hurt them.
Probably.

No, I don't want to get better. Even if I did, I'd still be a worthless piece of shit with no future.

I don't mind being a piece of shit with no future. I don't owe the world any contribution, I didn't fucking ask to be here. My only purpose is to endure this cruel, absurd society with minimal suffering to myself and others, and I often fail.

You know the phrase
"with great power comes great responsibility?" The opposite is also true. With no power comes no responsibility. I don't feel a responsibility to do anything but please myself and try not to hurt anyone else.
It really takes the pressure off.

 

[Rocksandsand]

It's hard to imagine feeling "better" or even "normal", for whatever that means.

I've been suicidal since elementary school and just recently saw my 36th birthday. My first suicide attempt happened on my 30th birthday, so of course I think of all that's transpired in the years since that first attempt and I now no longer believe I will improve.

For the record, I've attended therapy, have voluntarily gone inpatient, had 9 ECT treatments in 2017, and have been prescribed all kinds of medications (I'm diagnosed with PTSD/MDD/Panic disorder). I've been zombified by Thorazine and Haldol, have tried Respirodone, Propanalol, Gaba Pentin, Effexor, Cymbalta, Prozac and now I find myself on Zoloft, which is having an ill effect on me, similar to the brain zaps I felt on Effexor.

The one medication that ever made a difference for me in a positive way was/is Klonopin, as I have extreme anxiety and this medication allowed me to be able to leave my apartment. A small victory.

All this said, I'm done. It's not so much I don't believe I will or could get better, it's more like I'm burnt out from seeing some truly terrible psychiatrists and having to fight tooth and nail just to get a reasonable prescription for Klonopin. Most psychiatrists want to try every other medication they can and even when they don't work, they are reluctant to prescribe a benzodiazepine. Feels like the Twilight Zone at times.

I'm tired of fighting and have lost so much since my first attempt. "Friends" abandoned me, family cast me out. If I'm supposed to hang on or do the best for me, I see death as the best option. I want peace from all of this. I am tired of being treated like a "crazy person"; I used to truly enjoy helping others and trying to be a part of the community, specifically in advocacy for those with mental health issues. I've come to the realization, I can't even help myself, no matter how many times I try and explain my pain to my psychiatrist.

He simply hears what he wants to hear. I had an appointment with him this morning and the thought of it, of seeing him, made me sick to my stomach, so I cancelled.

I'm planning to end it finally this weekend, if not tonight. I have the necessary supplies and I am ready.

P.S. I want to add, I am so very grateful for this site and community. You guys have kept me going this far and I appreciate you all. Much love and respect. Thank you.

I wish you a safe trip if you do CTB this weekend. I'm sorry that the medical system failed you (but I'm also not surprised, sadly). It's cases like yours/ours that piss me off the most. If we had any other incurable illness we would be medicated in a way to be comfortable. But because it's psychiatric illness we are expected to continue ineffective treatments indefinitely... unless they spontaneously start working? I don't mean to deny anyone their success stories - I'm sure lives have been (rarely) saved by these medications. But when they don't work, we shouldn't be expected to continually lather, rinse, and repeat.

In other words, you should have your klonopin if they are so dedicated to making your life livable.

I apologise for the rant haha

 

[not_a_robot]

Most of the time yes. But sometimes I wish I didn't have my problems cause I would've loved to be in law school or the FBI basking in a fabulous life of black excellence that would've been me. Steady rising to the top of my career. Unfortunately though, I can't. I'm overcome by a desire to simply not want to try anymore. I don't wanna be here reveling at my own utter failures with a sick knowledge that I will never be anything in life. I'm doomed

in the space between Fabulous Success and I Am Doomed, there is a thing called Lowering Your Expectations.
Just a suggestion. though. It's your life.

 

[TAW122]

I would say, there is a part of me that does want to get better, but ultimately, I still like to have my "choice" of when, how, and where my death will be. That is the ultimate control of my destiny. Right now, I somehow want to get better and still live on my own terms, but failing that, then death should be my release from this existence.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

in the space between Fabulous Success and I Am Doomed, there is a thing called Lowering Your Expectations.
Just a suggestion. though. It's your life.

It's not really about that. My expectations aren't to high in my field it's that I physically cannot do them anymore otherwise I'd be breaking stereotypes. I really would like to tell ya to piss off but I'll def try to hold my tongue

 

[Rocksandsand]

It's not really about that. My expectations aren't to high in my field it's that I physically cannot do them anymore otherwise I'd be breaking stereotypes. I really would like to tell ya to piss off but I'll def try to hold my tongue

I also wanted to snarl at that post too. High expectations? Pfft. It's reasonable to want to succeed

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I also wanted to snarl at that post too. High expectations? Pfft. It's reasonable to want to succeed

I just happen to be a very descriptive person and that's why that post is framed like that. Not gonna apologise in the slightest for that either

 

[not_a_robot]

It's not really about that. My expectations aren't to high in my field it's that I physically cannot do them anymore otherwise I'd be breaking stereotypes. I really would like to tell ya to piss off but I'll def try to hold my tongue

it's ok if you tell me to piss off, I don't give a fuck about you.

I also wanted to snarl at that post too. High expectations? Pfft. It's reasonable to want to succeed

Yes, just like it's "reasonable" to kill yourself if you don't happen to achieve the level of success you imagined you were worthy of.

I just happen to be a very descriptive person and that's why that post is framed like that. Not gonna apologise in the slightest for that either

it was SO clever! You deserve some kind of fucking award!

 

[not_a_robot]

Ok! Fuck right off then. Don't come on a forum like this and be a presumptuous douche bag about everything. You're a cunt to the highest degree and you really don't belong ok this forum. Thats all I'll say on this matter. You're blocked no matter what you say. Have a good one sweetums

Lol. omg you said curse words at me!
I am pretending to be sooooo hurt!

Feel better now?

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I also wanted to snarl at that post too. High expectations? Pfft. It's reasonable to want to succeed

Hey I'm so sorry! I thought you were the one that came at me like this not a robot guy whose been blocked. Sorry for coming at you like that I'm a bit on edge with the influx of pro lifers on this forum mindlessly quoting scripture and ish. I should've been significantly more respectable then I was. I also want to apologise for my outburst I had on your thread. I'll ask for those to be deleted as well cause they paint me in a light I don't want to he seen in

 

[not_a_robot]

Hey I'm so sorry! I thought you were the one that came at me like this not a robot guy whose been blocked. Sorry for coming at you like that I'm a bit on edge with the influx of pro lifers on this forum mindlessly quoting scripture and ish. I should've been significantly more respectable then I was. I also want to apologise for my outburst I had on your thread. I'll ask for those to be deleted as well cause they paint me in a light I don't want to he seen in

ohh, the drama

 

[Rocksandsand]

Hey I'm so sorry! I thought you were the one that came at me like this not a robot guy whose been blocked. Sorry for coming at you like that I'm a bit on edge with the influx of pro lifers on this forum mindlessly quoting scripture and ish. I should've been significantly more respectable then I was. I also want to apologise for my outburst I had on your thread. I'll ask for those to be deleted as well cause they paint me in a light I don't want to he seen in

It's okay. I saw the scripture crap in other threads too and it's awful.

 

[lynn14]

I've thought about this myself. I've even wondered if I'm addicted to depression. The thought of suicide gives me such pleasure that I literally get a thrill and a small flood of endorphins at the thought of the relief. So thinking about ctb is like a kind of compulsion for me. I'l even be dealing with relatively minor stresses and I'll immediately start thinking of ctb. I think of it constantly, every day. If I wanted to get better I'd probably do better to think of... I don't know. Something happier lol.

 

[Jean Améry]

While our precise circumstances will differ greatly I empathize with your post. I too went through the psychiatric system hoping for a cure or at least relief for my 'depression'. I never got any, I did get side-effects (some lasting) of their 'medications' though. I didn't go asfar as ECT either for fear of what it would do to my brain (it's all I have to work with really) but I did see 4 private shrinks who tried their magic voodoo on me aswell as one hospital admission of 4 months on a voluntary basis. Given that I ended up here clearly nothing worked.

I also empathize with staying around for the sake of others: in that I'm in the same boat aswell. I don't know how long I will last though as I've got some medical problems and might need surgery that I find difficult to swallow. It might not even solve my problems. We'll see how that goes.

I don't think it's a matter of wanting to get better or not: clearly nobody would willingly suffer but a masochist so if were possible to will ourselves to feel better 99,999...% of us would probably have done so.

I do get depression can become so commonplace it becomes reality to the point it might become difficult to act on anything that might actually improve the situation. I think it's quite normal to feel the way you do after you've been through so much already. Everyone has a breaking point, hence the existence of the phenomenon that is called 'CTB' here.

 

[faultypiston]

I don't want to attain this perceived notion of "contentment" either. Happiness is fleeting and this world's core issues will never fade.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I don't want to recover because this world is awful. "Fixing myself" would mean having to live here for... oh my god, several more decades. I can hardly even imagine that.

I'd rather bail.