Does anyone else NOT have any family to stay alive for?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Overwhelming, a theme I am always seeing in suicide prevention, or in posts here from people who express guilt about being suicidal or are on the fence about how they feel in the present moment (often having obligations of care for family members) is that suicide tears apart families. Whenever I have spoken to MH workers before or been given resources to read over, there is always some added platitude that someone will miss you and be devastated by your loss.

But what about people who simply do not have family or close friends? How do you feel when well meaning individuals keep insisting that you must think of your family, not realising that not everyone has a loving family who would mourn them? That some of us are truly alone in this world with no solid support system?

Perhaps, it is not entirely truthful or forthcoming to say that I have NO relatives whatsoever, but my only living relative that I have contact with is my grandmother who is now in her mid 80s and has constantly been talking about how she is going to die and I will be left with no one who cares about me for the past couple years after I moved away to study. So within the next few years, I will be completely on my own in terms of blood kin support.

I have already told my story here many times before, but for context, my mother was physically and mentally ill and felt no love for me when I was born which she openly admits to, so I was tossed between my father, grandparents, and aunt when I was young, never having a stable home. My father was an unstable alcoholic who tried to shoot himself with a gun in front of me, regularly partied and did drugs, threw things, beat me with a belt, and often neglected my needs until he died when I was still in primary school.

My grandparents on my father's side and my aunt were very unstable and emotionally abusive, spent years making my life hell by putting me down, berating me, locking me indoors and not allowing me to do anything because I'd "get myself raped again", and were in denial of the fact that I was autistic so I was constantly accused of acting stupid on purpose. As a child, my family would ignore me, neglect me during those periods of silent treatment punishment, and scream at me for something as simple as telling another relative I felt afraid when auntie screams at me.

They would beat each other up or argue constantly, and some days I could not even walk on the floor in my house because I would've gotten glass in my feet from my relatives breaking everything in the house they could find. My aunt was severely suicidal and disabled and I had to assist with her care since a young age, witnessing very horrific and graphic things because my aunt's bones were so fragile they would frequently pop out or break and she's be on the floor screaming in agony and begging for death.

My aunt could not have children of her own and her husband left her due to her disability, so I was treated like her child and she took out everything on me. We had such a complicated relationship and I stopped speaking to her as an adult because I couldn't take the abuse anymore. She died a couple years later and my dad's mother blamed me for the death and continued to call me evil for distancing myself from my aunt. She is now dead too and her husband, my dad's father, had a progressive neurodegenerative disease.

All of my great aunts and uncles that I grew up around have also died. I do not have any cousins or anything like that. One of the only relatives who ever loved me and didn't abuse me, my grandpa, also died as a teenager and I had to watch him die slowly and painfully over the course of several months which severely traumatized me and has left me with years of nightmares, often involving me having to watch other people dying in a similar way. The death rattle never leaves you.

To this day, I do not have a connection with my mother and the only other full blooded relative, a little sister who was also abandoned by our mother and is even more autistic than me, getting diagnosed younger than me due to her impairments being more profound. My sister has never seen me as her sibling and has no love for me, is obsessed with crime shows, and she feels 0 empathy towards other people. When our grandpa died, she didn't have a care in the world and just went back to playing games on her computer. My sister is greedy and selfish and manipulates my grandmother because she genuinely does not care when grandma is in pain. My sister does not talk to me and has never shown any interest in having any relationship with me. I could probably drop dead in front of my sister and she would not even bat an eye.

The only other people I had that ever cared about me was the foster family who took me in right before my 16th birthday. I messed up things so badly with them by running away when I was still a stupid teenager and I will bear the weight of that mistake for my entire life. I have tried to reach out again and make that connection strong again but any attempt I make seems to fall short and they have moved on and don't seem to view me as part of their family any more. I have tried to visit them several times and I could tell that despite being cordial they do not love me anymore or see me as part of their family. I do not even have contact information for most of them and when I have been emotionally open about how lonely I feel when I tried to reconnect I got blank eyed stares.

I also have no close friends or contacts since childhood like most people, because I am so autistic, and also the abuse I suffered from my family and my family's behaviour ensured that other children weren't allowed around me because I came from a rough upbringing. My only close confidant for many years was my sister in the foster home.

People have always told me that as I got older I could seek out a "found family" but I've spent years trying to make friends and even people I've been around daily since the beginning of university would never see me as their family or care about me deeply. People have their own families and are not interested in making me a part of that. Most of my relationships have been with abusive older men who took advantage of me. Whenever I am in public I always see people out with their families or on the phone with their friends or relatives, and the weight of my loneliness truly kicks in.

I have a friend online who constantly sends me baby pictures of one of his nephews or cheery family photos and today I iust broke down sobbing because I will never know how it feels to have a family that loves me, nor will I ever be a mother myself. One of my earliest memories is being confused and upset during primary school art class before mother's day because I was the only child that didn't have a mother to make a craft for.

A huge reason why I want to ctb in the first place is that I have absolutely no safety net or anyone to rely on. Life has become terribly difficult as an adult because it seems like everyone has a support network except me. I moved to a different country when I was around 20 and I've always been the only person I know here who has no family members that care about them.

I can say with full sincerity that no one would care if I was gone, save for a couple people on the internet I sparsely talk to. My life is horrifically empty and devoid of the family connections that everyone seems to assume are the default. Can anyone relate?

 

[dragonofenvy]

I partially relate. I have living relatives but they're strangers that I don't know. Most I can't even relate to as they're quite old and will probably die from alcohol or drug abuse like most of my family has already. The ones I do know the names of are a rich millionaire family which for obvious reasons is quite hard to become connected to. I rarely have contact with any family members even though I live a few minutes away from my parents. There's one person I care for, my father, as he was the only one who cared for me. Despite caring about my father, I don't know how to show it. I would like to, but I'm too broken to be able to show any love towards anyone, even the one person I do care about. Despite this, if I were to die right now it would be months before it was discovered. If I got into financial woes I'd be on my own, living in the street. I was expected to deal with my problems on my own, there's no reason to expect any different. My family never believed that I was being abused in special education class, and denied that what my mother did was abuse, even though she tried killing me multiple times. I guess in reality I don't have a family if that's how they treated me. Always the black sheep I was.

When I see families in public I feel a tearing in my chest at what I'll never be able to make. Instead, I spend every day alone in my apartment. The only people I ever speak to are cashiers at stores and occasionally a stuffed wolf I have. I guess you start to go a bit insane when you've got nobody. When I was in school the isolation always felt like an empty pit in my body. Now it doesn't feel like anything. This is all I've known, and have come to accept it.

Most people I've spoken to have the idea that "family is everything." If they read your post that sentiment would change, though they would not have any clue how incomprehensible the pain is. Instead, it seems, that those who are victims of bad upbringing are considered "dangerous", an evil menace to be avoided which only exacerbates the problem.

It took me a while to get through your post as it's one of the few times that someone's story made me feel this way. I know that the past cannot change, and the future seems hopeless. All that's left is for you to one day find peace, and I hope that day can come soon. Nobody deserves any of what you had to go through. It is one of the most awful experiences I could ever imagine anybody having to go through, yet you had to. I wish I had more to offer you than this, but it's all I am able to give.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Me, but in the sense I don't have a family worth living for.

My brother and mother are horrible people who fight every time they see each other but still deserve one another.

My father is what I call an "anti-parent" who was never there for me the way he needed to be and just couldn't rise to the challenge and answer the call when it was most critical.

I have long written several notes to my friends, stashed away for the big day (although clearly technically they aren't worth living for either) but I deliberately chose to leave nothing to any family members.

My life has been the opposite to you. I haven't been able to detach from them. So we exist on far ends of the spectrum, neither of which is desirable at all.

 

[tbroken]

I have a family, but we are caged in an evil place with middle-class entitled people and other stupid things.
Actually my Mother could ask for transfer somewhere else in the past, but she's used to this place and she'll never admit how it sucks. My father is like a stone, he doesn't care about anything.
I was caged here 20 freaking years!
I know I should not be so evil in judgement, because I do also a lot of mistakes in life, and they are humans after all.
But you cannot imagine what entitled people(thieves) can do to preserve their status, these people really terrify me
I'm not an angel, but I'm not the worst of the devils either.

 

[Pluto]

I'm glad someone brought this up.

Ever since Nfather used his superficial charm to cover up my childhood abuse (apparently there was no abuse and I was just born retarded), I have been the pariah of the whole extended family and nobody wants anything to do with me. I very quickly got kicked out of the family, left with no education, no money and a wrecked nervous system.

I managed to work a job for several years and put every dollar towards buying a house in a cheaper city that I could afford. But upon moving here, I realise everyone else has family. Being so damaged makes it virtually impossible to connect socially with anyone.

I used to have 2 friends who were like a pseudo family, but both withdrew all support in recent years upon seeing that I was going downhill. One kindly 'borrowed' several thousand dollars from my mortgage before giving me the boot, and the further loss of trust was more damaging than the money. My very last friend is a cat, though I rarely get to see her.

I can't imagine having even one friend or one place to feel safe at any level. I'm now a homeowner and physically fit, so some might even think things are good, but the total lack of love is my true cause of death.

 

[deathslament]

i have none. don't even known my real parents.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I partially relate. I have living relatives but they're strangers that I don't know. Most I can't even relate to as they're quite old and will probably die from alcohol or drug abuse like most of my family has already. The ones I do know the names of are a rich millionaire family which for obvious reasons is quite hard to become connected to. I rarely have contact with any family members even though I live a few minutes away from my parents. There's one person I care for, my father, as he was the only one who cared for me. Despite caring about my father, I don't know how to show it. I would like to, but I'm too broken to be able to show any love towards anyone, even the one person I do care about. Despite this, if I were to die right now it would be months before it was discovered. If I got into financial woes I'd be on my own, living in the street. I was expected to deal with my problems on my own, there's no reason to expect any different. My family never believed that I was being abused in special education class, and denied that what my mother did was abuse, even though she tried killing me multiple times. I guess in reality I don't have a family if that's how they treated me. Always the black sheep I was.

When I see families in public I feel a tearing in my chest at what I'll never be able to make. Instead, I spend every day alone in my apartment. The only people I ever speak to are cashiers at stores and occasionally a stuffed wolf I have. I guess you start to go a bit insane when you've got nobody. When I was in school the isolation always felt like an empty pit in my body. Now it doesn't feel like anything. This is all I've known, and have come to accept it.

Most people I've spoken to have the idea that "family is everything." If they read your post that sentiment would change, though they would not have any clue how incomprehensible the pain is. Instead, it seems, that those who are victims of bad upbringing are considered "dangerous", an evil menace to be avoided which only exacerbates the problem.

It took me a while to get through your post as it's one of the few times that someone's story made me feel this way. I know that the past cannot change, and the future seems hopeless. All that's left is for you to one day find peace, and I hope that day can come soon. Nobody deserves any of what you had to go through. It is one of the most awful experiences I could ever imagine anybody having to go through, yet you had to. I wish I had more to offer you than this, but it's all I am able to give.

Usually it is difficult for me to know how to reply to other's posts too, especially when we come from such diverse walks of life despite all ending up on the same path in the end, but your story struck a chord with me also.

Knowing that your relatives downplayed and denied the abuse from your mother is just heartbreaking. In families, it often feels like people will take the side of their closest/most favourable relative even if that means turning a blind eye to child abuse for the sake of saving face. Even when my father drunkenly pointed a gun at me as well, I was supposed to be okay with it. I remember once my dad's mother told me something along the lines of I was never meant to be born and my father never wanted a child, and also that he would hate faggots like me if he were still alive.

Of course, no matter what I was expected to love and appreciate someone who made these sorts of statements in a manner so blase you would've thought she was reading a newspaper, rather than harassing her own grandchild. You deserved so much better than this kind of treatment too, especially when violence is involved. The fact that people don't take it seriously makes me furious.

It makes me so sad that you've experienced the exact same things, right down to having plushies in your room to talk to because there's no one else there. When you've been abused as a child, it's like people have a sixth sense and can pick up on it, and rather than giving people the love and care they need to move on from abuse and neglect, people treat us like lepers instead.

I can also relate to wanting to love someone and not knowing how. Whether that is a direct consequence of autism or child abuse, I'm uncertain, but I have a theory that it's difficult to develop loving relationships whether it be platonic or romantic if we never had positive examples to follow in early childhood or the necessary encouragement accompanying that to be able to express our needs and emotions. I loved my grandpa very much too and didn't know how to express that until it was too late. I think your dad knows deep down, that you really love him but don't know how to articulate it.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding, it means a lot to me. You're right that all that's left now is to find peace, and that's a day that can't come soon enough for me. It's the only thing that helps me sleep at night, knowing it's almost all over.

Me, but in the sense I don't have a family worth living for.

My brother and mother are horrible people who fight every time they see each other but still deserve one another.

My father is what I call an "anti-parent" who was never there for me the way he needed to be and just couldn't rise to the challenge and answer the call when it was most critical.

I have long written several notes to my friends, stashed away for the big day (although clearly technically they aren't worth living for either) but I deliberately chose to leave nothing to any family members.

My life has been the opposite to you. I haven't been able to detach from them. So we exist on far ends of the spectrum, neither of which is desirable at all.

Sometimes having the wrong kind of something can be worse than having none of it at all, which can screw a kid's life up worse. It's easy to yearn for parents when I haven't been exposed to the toxic family dynamics that can accompany the nuclear family. I don't blame you for not wanting to give them any sort of explaination, if people don't take an interest in wanting to make one's life worthwhile while they're living and animate, can they truly comprehend the signs that would call one towards death?

When my relatives were alive they would engage in the constant melodrama and fighting every other day too, then pretend we were all a tight knit happy family. That shit gets tiring, and it's no wonder you're tired of seeing it with your mom and brother too. I have to wonder, if it's even possible to find a person worth living for if one is deep enough down the hole. I do see frequent posts here where people think having a bf/gf would save them, and that we live to serve others and keep them happy, but much akin to you, there is no one in my life who can overshadow the bleakness.

Naively, I used to think everyone had "a person" that would imbue you with so much love that even the worst hells would be tolerable. Now that I'm in my mid 20s I think that's just more wishful fairy tale thinking.

I'm glad someone brought this up.

Ever since Nfather used his superficial charm to cover up my childhood abuse (apparently there was no abuse and I was just born retarded), I have been the pariah of the whole extended family and nobody wants anything to do with me. I very quickly got kicked out of the family, left with no education, no money and a wrecked nervous system.

I managed to work a job for several years and put every dollar towards buying a house in a cheaper city that I could afford. But upon moving here, I realise everyone else has family. Being so damaged makes it virtually impossible to connect socially with anyone.

I used to have 2 friends who were like a pseudo family, but both withdrew all support in recent years upon seeing that I was going downhill. One kindly 'borrowed' several thousand dollars from my mortgage before giving me the boot, and the further loss of trust was more damaging than the money. My very last friend is a cat, though I rarely get to see her.

I can't imagine having even one friend or one place to feel safe at any level. I'm now a homeowner and physically fit, so some might even think things are good, but the total lack of love is my true cause of death.

Your kitty is so beautiful and is lucky to have such a great owner. Give her lots of pets for me next time you see her. Cats are amazing because they will never be haters, never say an unkind word, worst they can do is catch zoomies and run all over the house at 3 am to annoy you.

These fake friends don't realise what a gem they lost, it speaks volumes about them that they'd abandon you in a time of need, while also begging for money. I've never understood how people can just ghost someone if there was no egregious conflict or you were under the impression that things were stable and they didn't have a problem with you. I had a similar thing happen with people I'd been friends with for years, just up and disappeared without a trace or a word, no argument, no sign that anything was wrong, nothing. And it turned out they'd been shit talking behind my back for ages. I've also had many people french exit my life because the reality that I'm going downhill rather than up is too much for them, it feels like such a punishment for a fate we never asked for.

It's already hard enough to trust people, but I think it becomes even worse when you've had a rough upbringing, like you say it's just so difficult to connect with people who have been raised the way they're supposed to, who grew up with loving parents and a stable home where they were free to flourish and thrive. I've been lots of places too and moved around a lot, and there's always a constant. when I was a teenager, people were constantly doing activities with their families and spending quality time with their parents. As an adult, I am surrounded by that same routine but now people are getting married and having kids too which further alienates me from their world. So that disconnect is very palpable.

Not having any funny or heartwarming family stories to share sucks. Not having a shoulder to cry on or a real home to go to, in both the metaphorical and physical sense, doubly sucks. I wish people gave us a chance and realized that the only way people are going to heal from an abusive past socially is to be surrounded by patience and love, to have a safe place to be themselves. Instead, people just seem to be uncomfortable with the reality that not everyone has a family and so many of us are just trying to stick it out on our own.

 

[Z-A]

I have a big family. I can't imagine what they're going to feel when they see me dead. It hurts me a lot just thinking about it. My gf is also very close and loyal to me, she will probably never recover from it. I have everything most people wished for. It's very difficult for me to CTB right now, but I also can't keep allowing myself to be tortured by this life. I try to hold on, but it's hard :(.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Sometimes having the wrong kind of something can be worse than having none of it at all, which can screw a kid's life up worse. It's easy to yearn for parents when I haven't been exposed to the toxic family dynamics that can accompany the nuclear family. I don't blame you for not wanting to give them any sort of explaination, if people don't take an interest in wanting to make one's life worthwhile while they're living and animate, can they truly comprehend the signs that would call one towards death?

They comprehend enough. My notes aren't really trying to explain anything but are mainly just brief little sentimental things. By this point those who will understand enough will, those who won't won't. I just don't have anything I want to memorialize in paper for my family like I did for a few other people.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Knowing that your relatives downplayed and denied the abuse from your mother is just heartbreaking. In families, it often feels like people will take the side of their closest/most favourable relative even if that means turning a blind eye to child abuse for the sake of saving face. Even when my father drunkenly pointed a gun at me as well, I was supposed to be okay with it. I remember once my dad's mother told me something along the lines of I was never meant to be born and my father never wanted a child, and also that he would hate faggots like me if he were still alive.

My mother almost shot herself in front of me too. She didn't aim it at me but I watched her load it and lock herself in her room. It was intense as fuck. I already wrote about that here which I believe you saw.

What I didn't share is that she did it again years later. I thought she got rid of the gun but I guess not. This time however she wasn't serious about it (the gun was unloaded and the safety was engaged). She came up to me and started reading me a poem she wrote blaming me for her death and then produced a gun behind her back, pointed it at her temple and pulled the trigger. Of course it didn't go off for the aforementioned reasons. She said she would play Russian Roulette and went through a few more chambers and said a chest shot would be more effective. Then she pointed it at her chest and pretended to collapse. So it was a dramatic ploy to make me feel bad.

I didn't call 9-11 either time even though most people (including her) would have.

And the kicker is that she wears a dumb NRA cap.

It is just so infuriating I never had the wherewithal to estrange myself like I have longed for and like so many other people have (and would have in my situation). Just a situation of "hostile dependency" like so many of those smug normie mental health professionals have characterized it as. I can't even seem to be able to chalk it up entirely to neurodivergence and mental illness because so many people with those attributes have accomplished estrangement. I just don't possess the unique kind of scrappiness and self-reliance required to do that I guess.

 

[hadenough58]

I have not heard from my children for near on 20 years or my 2 remaining siblings for going on 10 years.
I am going for a prepaid funeral and do not expect anyone to notice I am even gone which is half the reason for my wanting too but also makes it a far easier decision when I do not have to consider how it will affect others.

 

[Cosis]

Overwhelming, a theme I am always seeing in suicide prevention, or in posts here from people who express guilt about being suicidal or are on the fence about how they feel in the present moment (often having obligations of care for family members) is that suicide tears apart families. Whenever I have spoken to MH workers before or been given resources to read over, there is always some added platitude that someone will miss you and be devastated by your loss.

But what about people who simply do not have family or close friends? How do you feel when well meaning individuals keep insisting that you must think of your family, not realising that not everyone has a loving family who would mourn them? That some of us are truly alone in this world with no solid support system?

Perhaps, it is not entirely truthful or forthcoming to say that I have NO relatives whatsoever, but my only living relative that I have contact with is my grandmother who is now in her mid 80s and has constantly been talking about how she is going to die and I will be left with no one who cares about me for the past couple years after I moved away to study. So within the next few years, I will be completely on my own in terms of blood kin support.

I have already told my story here many times before, but for context, my mother was physically and mentally ill and felt no love for me when I was born which she openly admits to, so I was tossed between my father, grandparents, and aunt when I was young, never having a stable home. My father was an unstable alcoholic who tried to shoot himself with a gun in front of me, regularly partied and did drugs, threw things, beat me with a belt, and often neglected my needs until he died when I was still in primary school.

My grandparents on my father's side and my aunt were very unstable and emotionally abusive, spent years making my life hell by putting me down, berating me, locking me indoors and not allowing me to do anything because I'd "get myself raped again", and were in denial of the fact that I was autistic so I was constantly accused of acting stupid on purpose. As a child, my family would ignore me, neglect me during those periods of silent treatment punishment, and scream at me for something as simple as telling another relative I felt afraid when auntie screams at me.

They would beat each other up or argue constantly, and some days I could not even walk on the floor in my house because I would've gotten glass in my feet from my relatives breaking everything in the house they could find. My aunt was severely suicidal and disabled and I had to assist with her care since a young age, witnessing very horrific and graphic things because my aunt's bones were so fragile they would frequently pop out or break and she's be on the floor screaming in agony and begging for death.

My aunt could not have children of her own and her husband left her due to her disability, so I was treated like her child and she took out everything on me. We had such a complicated relationship and I stopped speaking to her as an adult because I couldn't take the abuse anymore. She died a couple years later and my dad's mother blamed me for the death and continued to call me evil for distancing myself from my aunt. She is now dead too and her husband, my dad's father, had a progressive neurodegenerative disease.

All of my great aunts and uncles that I grew up around have also died. I do not have any cousins or anything like that. One of the only relatives who ever loved me and didn't abuse me, my grandpa, also died as a teenager and I had to watch him die slowly and painfully over the course of several months which severely traumatized me and has left me with years of nightmares, often involving me having to watch other people dying in a similar way. The death rattle never leaves you.

To this day, I do not have a connection with my mother and the only other full blooded relative, a little sister who was also abandoned by our mother and is even more autistic than me, getting diagnosed younger than me due to her impairments being more profound. My sister has never seen me as her sibling and has no love for me, is obsessed with crime shows, and she feels 0 empathy towards other people. When our grandpa died, she didn't have a care in the world and just went back to playing games on her computer. My sister is greedy and selfish and manipulates my grandmother because she genuinely does not care when grandma is in pain. My sister does not talk to me and has never shown any interest in having any relationship with me. I could probably drop dead in front of my sister and she would not even bat an eye.

The only other people I had that ever cared about me was the foster family who took me in right before my 16th birthday. I messed up things so badly with them by running away when I was still a stupid teenager and I will bear the weight of that mistake for my entire life. I have tried to reach out again and make that connection strong again but any attempt I make seems to fall short and they have moved on and don't seem to view me as part of their family any more. I have tried to visit them several times and I could tell that despite being cordial they do not love me anymore or see me as part of their family. I do not even have contact information for most of them and when I have been emotionally open about how lonely I feel when I tried to reconnect I got blank eyed stares.

I also have no close friends or contacts since childhood like most people, because I am so autistic, and also the abuse I suffered from my family and my family's behaviour ensured that other children weren't allowed around me because I came from a rough upbringing. My only close confidant for many years was my sister in the foster home.

People have always told me that as I got older I could seek out a "found family" but I've spent years trying to make friends and even people I've been around daily since the beginning of university would never see me as their family or care about me deeply. People have their own families and are not interested in making me a part of that. Most of my relationships have been with abusive older men who took advantage of me. Whenever I am in public I always see people out with their families or on the phone with their friends or relatives, and the weight of my loneliness truly kicks in.

I have a friend online who constantly sends me baby pictures of one of his nephews or cheery family photos and today I iust broke down sobbing because I will never know how it feels to have a family that loves me, nor will I ever be a mother myself. One of my earliest memories is being confused and upset during primary school art class before mother's day because I was the only child that didn't have a mother to make a craft for.

A huge reason why I want to ctb in the first place is that I have absolutely no safety net or anyone to rely on. Life has become terribly difficult as an adult because it seems like everyone has a support network except me. I moved to a different country when I was around 20 and I've always been the only person I know here who has no family members that care about them.

I can say with full sincerity that no one would care if I was gone, save for a couple people on the internet I sparsely talk to. My life is horrifically empty and devoid of the family connections that everyone seems to assume are the default. Can anyone relate?

FUCK people's family. If SWIM's family was worth a shit they wouldn't be suicidal. Someone would have helped them or been there to talk to when all this first started. These feeling don't come out of fucking nowhere. The build over years and years and years. Many people are suicidal because of their damn family. Yeah, they'll feel bad at the funeral, for themselves. If SWIM rose from the dead while the family force-cried over their grave to get those pity-points, that same family would be treating SWIM like shit again in no time at all. "Why did you make us so upset by killing yourself?" "How could you be so selfish?","Do you know how you made us feel?"

Fuck them all. Most of them don't deserve the things they've had the luck of being rewarded with in life. You do, for all the shit you've had to go through but you'll never get it. The very last thing anyone should be thinking about when they're going to end things is some idiotic shit like FAMILY aka A bunch of people who are suppose to care and help each other, but don't.

 

[BringShameToFamily]

I will hurt my family more by being alive.
Death is the only option, question is when and how.

 

[Meteora]

I do have mother and two brothers but no contact. They make me feel worse. Tried to reconcile a hundred times. No chance.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Overwhelming, a theme I am always seeing in suicide prevention, or in posts here from people who express guilt about being suicidal or are on the fence about how they feel in the present moment (often having obligations of care for family members) is that suicide tears apart families. Whenever I have spoken to MH workers before or been given resources to read over, there is always some added platitude that someone will miss you and be devastated by your loss.

But what about people who simply do not have family or close friends? How do you feel when well meaning individuals keep insisting that you must think of your family, not realising that not everyone has a loving family who would mourn them? That some of us are truly alone in this world with no solid support system?

Perhaps, it is not entirely truthful or forthcoming to say that I have NO relatives whatsoever, but my only living relative that I have contact with is my grandmother who is now in her mid 80s and has constantly been talking about how she is going to die and I will be left with no one who cares about me for the past couple years after I moved away to study. So within the next few years, I will be completely on my own in terms of blood kin support.

I have already told my story here many times before, but for context, my mother was physically and mentally ill and felt no love for me when I was born which she openly admits to, so I was tossed between my father, grandparents, and aunt when I was young, never having a stable home. My father was an unstable alcoholic who tried to shoot himself with a gun in front of me, regularly partied and did drugs, threw things, beat me with a belt, and often neglected my needs until he died when I was still in primary school.

My grandparents on my father's side and my aunt were very unstable and emotionally abusive, spent years making my life hell by putting me down, berating me, locking me indoors and not allowing me to do anything because I'd "get myself raped again", and were in denial of the fact that I was autistic so I was constantly accused of acting stupid on purpose. As a child, my family would ignore me, neglect me during those periods of silent treatment punishment, and scream at me for something as simple as telling another relative I felt afraid when auntie screams at me.

They would beat each other up or argue constantly, and some days I could not even walk on the floor in my house because I would've gotten glass in my feet from my relatives breaking everything in the house they could find. My aunt was severely suicidal and disabled and I had to assist with her care since a young age, witnessing very horrific and graphic things because my aunt's bones were so fragile they would frequently pop out or break and she's be on the floor screaming in agony and begging for death.

My aunt could not have children of her own and her husband left her due to her disability, so I was treated like her child and she took out everything on me. We had such a complicated relationship and I stopped speaking to her as an adult because I couldn't take the abuse anymore. She died a couple years later and my dad's mother blamed me for the death and continued to call me evil for distancing myself from my aunt. She is now dead too and her husband, my dad's father, had a progressive neurodegenerative disease.

All of my great aunts and uncles that I grew up around have also died. I do not have any cousins or anything like that. One of the only relatives who ever loved me and didn't abuse me, my grandpa, also died as a teenager and I had to watch him die slowly and painfully over the course of several months which severely traumatized me and has left me with years of nightmares, often involving me having to watch other people dying in a similar way. The death rattle never leaves you.

To this day, I do not have a connection with my mother and the only other full blooded relative, a little sister who was also abandoned by our mother and is even more autistic than me, getting diagnosed younger than me due to her impairments being more profound. My sister has never seen me as her sibling and has no love for me, is obsessed with crime shows, and she feels 0 empathy towards other people. When our grandpa died, she didn't have a care in the world and just went back to playing games on her computer. My sister is greedy and selfish and manipulates my grandmother because she genuinely does not care when grandma is in pain. My sister does not talk to me and has never shown any interest in having any relationship with me. I could probably drop dead in front of my sister and she would not even bat an eye.

The only other people I had that ever cared about me was the foster family who took me in right before my 16th birthday. I messed up things so badly with them by running away when I was still a stupid teenager and I will bear the weight of that mistake for my entire life. I have tried to reach out again and make that connection strong again but any attempt I make seems to fall short and they have moved on and don't seem to view me as part of their family any more. I have tried to visit them several times and I could tell that despite being cordial they do not love me anymore or see me as part of their family. I do not even have contact information for most of them and when I have been emotionally open about how lonely I feel when I tried to reconnect I got blank eyed stares.

I also have no close friends or contacts since childhood like most people, because I am so autistic, and also the abuse I suffered from my family and my family's behaviour ensured that other children weren't allowed around me because I came from a rough upbringing. My only close confidant for many years was my sister in the foster home.

People have always told me that as I got older I could seek out a "found family" but I've spent years trying to make friends and even people I've been around daily since the beginning of university would never see me as their family or care about me deeply. People have their own families and are not interested in making me a part of that. Most of my relationships have been with abusive older men who took advantage of me. Whenever I am in public I always see people out with their families or on the phone with their friends or relatives, and the weight of my loneliness truly kicks in.

I have a friend online who constantly sends me baby pictures of one of his nephews or cheery family photos and today I iust broke down sobbing because I will never know how it feels to have a family that loves me, nor will I ever be a mother myself. One of my earliest memories is being confused and upset during primary school art class before mother's day because I was the only child that didn't have a mother to make a craft for.

A huge reason why I want to ctb in the first place is that I have absolutely no safety net or anyone to rely on. Life has become terribly difficult as an adult because it seems like everyone has a support network except me. I moved to a different country when I was around 20 and I've always been the only person I know here who has no family members that care about them.

I can say with full sincerity that no one would care if I was gone, save for a couple people on the internet I sparsely talk to. My life is horrifically empty and devoid of the family connections that everyone seems to assume are the default. Can anyone relate?

I have family that is alive. That said I don't really have familial support. Therefore, I don't have family to live for. In fact, if anything I have negative support from my family... I assume in most family's they try to get you to reach your potential. It seems to me my family does the opposite. They would rather me be as far from that as possible.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I have a family but I don't care one bit about staying alive for them. I have no obligation or any feelings to stay alive for them as I prioritise my desire for peace via permanent non existence over what others want for me. I'm kinda glad that I don't have to worry about sentimental things like staying alive for family as it sounds so exhausting as hell to do

 

[fitwhatsthepoint]

I have a loving family, but that doesn't release the pain I'm feeling. My wonderful girlfriend has committed suicide in November. Now I have only our cats to worry about. I can't go through the day without her and not thinking about suicide myself. I'm also addicted to drugs and alcohol and I just lack the will to fight this without her.

I love my family, but I don't really like my parents. The siblings, I get along with them, but there's not really a friendship connection between us, I think. I only had my beloved Nela, truly my soulmate, but she's gone. Gone for a good reason. She's been severely depressed for a dozen of years, but no available help was enough to keep her going. I was just finishing my hospital addiction therapy when she did it, feeling great, hopeful, optimistic. Now it's all gone and I feel trapped and hopeless. I really wish to join her in peace, but this f…ng notion that life is the highest of values prevents people like us from going gracefully. Instead, we have to hide what we feel and wish for. I'm sure lots of people have figured out how to navigate their lives properly, but the rest are just suffering for no reason and it's nothing, but a cruel, bad joke.
Hugs to all of you guys. I hope at least some of us manage to go peacefully at our own terms.

 

[Malaria]

I have family but I have a very complicated relationship with them. Most of my family lives in another country. My father is dead but I had to be separated from him since early childhood because he tried to kill both me and my mother. He had children with other women besides my mother but I've never met them.

The only family I have are my mother and my younger brother. I used to fight a lot with my brother but our relationship has improved somewhat. My mother and I have a complicated relationship because she has anger issues and my abusive ex sorta manipulated me into viewing her as a bad parent and even though I'm not with him anymore, my relationship with my mother hasn't improved. Plus... when I told both of them that my ex SA'd me, both of them didn't believe me and told me to my face I'm a liar. They believe me now but I've never been able to forgive them for that because they acted like I was a nuisance to them for coming out and telling them what happened to me.

I do have friends but I feel very alienated from them. Part of it could be that they're all online, I don't really have IRL friends anymore. But part of it also is because I either feel like I can't relate to some of them very much, and also part of it is that I have difficulty seeing red flags in people so I often end up in very toxic friendships where I'm being taken advantage of. I've developed trust issues as a result of that. I have a romantic partner but we're LDR and while he means well, he doesn't always know how to help me with my problems and it gets frustrating. I guess I'm sorta stuck in this "in-between" feeling that I do technically have people but I also feel like I don't have anyone.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i'll try and read this one day. for now it's a bit lengthy. i just woke up and am hung over. but as far as the title does, not everyone has wonderful parents or siblings. i wouldn't say i was abused considering the stories i've heard. neglected ok i'll go with that for now. i have no idea if my mom is alive. i don't give a crap about my sis. my dad... i made peace with so if anything, i don't want him to know that i took my own life

 

[grahf]

I'm sorry about your situation, life is never fairy tail
Why this world like this
How could everyone keep their eyes shut and ignoring something like that
Keep living for themselves
I don't know how long the world will be like this, whether in another 100 years, whether the world will be better, but good according to whom? I'm fed up with a world like this because like what you and other people have gone through, the world will remain like that, I'm too crazy to live in a world like that. This is what makes me suicidal because I can't do anything about this broken world, I'm just an ordinary human being who can only be sad about the existing reality. Maybe I'm too weak and cowardly to face this harsh world.
I hope you find peace you looking for

my only living relative that I have contact with is my grandmother who is now in her mid 80s and has constantly been talking about how she is going to die and I will be left with no one who cares about me

You have lovely grandma

 

[wishfulthinking1967]

So heartbreaking to hear so many sad stories, no-one should have to go through abuse but sadly it is just the world we live in.

 

[sash]

Hi.
Gosh theres a lot of your story that resonates with me.
Yes I have no one that cares. I was brought up on violence mental abuse etc, narcissists abusers.
As of that I am a bad judge of character. Meet nice people, they make me believe at first, then realise much later I'm isolated and in another cycle of abuse...

So have given up on people. Except here I am looking for one last one to partner with. Hope.
We are a pack animal. We dont mind being alone though. But having no-one at times is very lonely.

Im glad we have this place.