Venting Does anyone else have fantasies about suicide as revenge?

[STTP]

I have a lot of personal fantasies, things I wish happened or wish I could do, but none of them top how badly I wish I could kill myself as revenge.

When my brother confronted me in the kitchen, I imagine myself going further knowing nothing matters, him beating me, me grabbing a knife as if to threaten him and then slitting my own throat open. I imagine telling my parents how badly I want to kill myself, how awful everything is, and rewarding their indifference with a 12 gauge splattering my brains across the ceiling for my dad to find when he gets home. I imagine telling my parents I want to go on hormones, them yelling at me and denying, and this time I hang myself from the tree in the front yard for my dad to find after work. I imagine pulling the trigger when I was 14, having remembered to write the note this time, and them not being able to find me in the woods, only knowing that I took my Remington .270 with me and figuring out the rest.

I like to fantasize about my funeral, and people calling me a tragic soul or whatever, my friends fighting my family ruthlessly about what to call me. I like to imagine the people who wronged me finally feeling some form of consequence, finally understanding the results of their actions up close and personal.


Is this, like, really fucking strange? Does anyone else do this?

 

[dangero]

I sometimes have murderous thoughts, but they are just thoughts that pass. Sometimes when someone really hurts me mentally I think about shooting them in the head. I won't consciously do it, such thoughts just come and go. More often I think about hurting myself, but sometimes I want to retaliate for the wrongs done to me.

"Primarily obsessional OCD has been called "one of the most distressing and challenging forms of OCD."[5]​ People with this form of OCD have "distressing and unwanted thoughts pop into [their] head frequently," and the thoughts "typically center on a fear that you may do something totally uncharacteristic of yourself, something... potentially fatal... to yourself or others."[5]​ The thoughts "quite likely, are of an aggressive or sexual nature."[5]​" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_obsessional_obsessive–compulsive_disorder

edit: ->
such thoughts also appear in healthy people, so if you think that these thoughts are unimportant, if you don't believe these thoughts you are not disordered.
You're asking this question because you don't know if other people have this, so it's not a sign of a disorder but a lack of knowledge.

"While those without primarily obsessional OCD might instinctively respond to bizarre, intrusive thoughts or impulses as insignificant and part of a normal variance in the human mind, someone with Pure-O will respond with profound alarm followed by an intense attempt to neutralize the thought or avoid having the thought again. The person begins to ask themselves constantly, "Am I really capable of something like that?" or "Could that really happen?" or "Is that really me?" (even though they usually realize that their fear is irrational, which causes them further distress)[7]​ and puts tremendous effort into escaping or resolving the unwanted thought. They then end up in a vicious cycle of mentally searching for reassurance and trying to get a definitive answer.[3]​[8]"​

 

[STTP]

"Primarily obsessional OCD has been called "one of the most distressing and challenging forms of OCD."[5]​ People with this form of OCD have "distressing and unwanted thoughts pop into [their] head frequently," and the thoughts "typically center on a fear that you may do something totally uncharacteristic of yourself, something... potentially fatal... to yourself or others."

I do this too! I think about killing my cats or spouse sometimes out of nowhere and I just start crying. It's so awful. I also have a really weird compulsion with the number 6, I count in seximal in my daily life, I'll park in the 6th spot somewhere, I always try to keep things (like the AC, volume, amount of x or y somewhere) at a multiple of 6, especially 36. I have had 36 on my birthday cake for the past 3 years, makes me really uncomfortable to do things without appealing to the sets of numbers I want. Sometimes it's worse, though. Never thought it might be OCD, though!

 

[dangero]

In general, as humans, we have a nasty nature.
https://www.advisory.com/daily-briefing/2018/10/31/people-are-terrible
https://www.fastcompany.com/90284199/these-are-the-10-depressing-truths-about-human-nature

"Murderous thoughts are normal and beneficial - Dr Julia Shaw (UCL Psychology & Language Sciences)" https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/headlines/2019/jun/murderous-thoughts-are-normal-and-beneficial

"Sixty percent of teen boys also acknowledge at least one murderous fantasy, joined by about a third of teen girls. These homicidal thoughts tended to be short-lived and directly related to a dispute; once the person cooled down, the murderous thoughts disappeared. - Joni E. Johnston forensic psychologist" - https://www.drjonijohnston.com/post/i-feel-like-killing-someone-how-normal-are-homicidal-thoughts

"
So where is the line that separates "normal" homicidal fantasies from prophecies of harm? While most homicidal thoughts don't usually mean a person will kill, they do mean something - unresolved anger, unhealed pain, a way to feel more in control, a cry for help. For anyone who experiences frequent or persistent thoughts of hurting someone else, getting help can be the first step toward emotional freedom. And for those who worry that someone they care about is a walking time bomb, speaking up may save two lives - the intended target and the person you care about.
" - Joni E. Johnston forensic psychologist" - https://www.drjonijohnston.com/post/i-feel-like-killing-someone-how-normal-are-homicidal-thoughts

 

[Neogoloid]

Yeah, I want my parents to find me hanging. They're just so unsympathetic towards me.

 

[hellispink]

Some people can experiment that, when they hurt or in anger. However, the truth is no one of the family will truly care. Even if they cry or have a bad day or two regarding one suicide, they all be happy regardless. The world keeps moving even if one leaves. Suicide for revenge is always useless. Most humans have capabilities of survival and adaptation beyond what we can think of. Dying should be a personal choice that only affects us. Doing it for others a waste of time, they dont care about you alive much less when you 3 feet under. Its just how it is.

 

[delora]

It's such a coincidence that you wrote this now, as I'd been contemplating writing about similar feelings. You're not alone.

Most of my family is terrible, constantly excusing my narcissistic mother's behavior and trying to make me feel bad for not caring about her. Meanwhile, her life mission seems to be making me miserable. That has been going on since I can remember, and has affected me to various degrees. Sometimes, it makes me anxious and guilty, other times angry. These feelings boil inside me and culminate in those suicide fantasies. I find myself wishing I could make them feel some pain, and that same guilt they try so hard to impose on me. I wonder if they would finally take me seriously then. I imagine their reactions. And if it's bad enough, I have to fight the impulse to make it come true.

I don't think it's OCD that causes it for me, though. It's mostly resentment.

I stop at mere fantasies because I know that, ultimately, they would not care. And I would be unjustly hurting someone who does care about me. There's also pride, as I don't want my decision to revolve around these people. When I go, I want it to be on my own terms and far away from them. I've had enough.​

 

[F@#$]

More like an exclamation point.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Not me. I just want to be dead. Nothing more, nothing less

 

[LaVieEnRose]

No, that is not wise since you can't enjoy the effects of the revenge whilst dead. If people didn't care enough not to cause you harm while you're alive, your death probably isn't going to shake them either.

 

[STTP]

No, that is not wise since you can't enjoy the effects of the revenge whilst dead.

I sure enjoy it in my fantasies, where I can see their reactions. I guess in real life my enjoyment would come before death, knowing what I was about to do.

 

[CPY]

What kind of revenge would this even be...the people who hate you would just rejoice for or even laugh about your death

I hope on the opposite...getting forgotten and the news of my passing never reaching people whom I resent

 

[Aim]

Yess and its super irritating. Because is it one person you should ctb for it's you. And you only. But it's like some burning resentment.
It's such a personal thing

 

[Abyssal]

I used to, but now I channel that emotion into my self hatred and conviction to die.

 

[tunnelV]

I honestly don't see myself having a funeral. I think my boyfriend might find out but he already said it didn't matter because I've mentioned it too much already although I hope he feels like shit. He's partly responsible for my current mental state. He's never tried to protect my already fragile mind the MF brain is incapable of giving empathy to women I think. He was sure supportive to his idiot friend who was scared he was about to get sextorted. In the end I don't care about what anyone thinks related to my death. I just know how shit they were when I was alive.

I think my older narcissistic sister would be happy or make it about herself so she can get attention. This is someone who celebrated me being in a DV relationship years ago. My dad might be sad but seriously that man is so self involved and has been careless and worthless as a father since day one. Mom is dead. One ex bf might be more sad than my current one. Who knows. I think my dog will be more sad than any human on earth.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Sometimes dying seems to be the only way to get my story & suffering out, but then I remind myself that it wouldn't make any difference if I died that way, and I shouldn't ctb because of other people, but only for myself. It's not my fault, if people let me down or people didn't listen to me. The people that care about me do listen to me, I should do my best to forget the rest. Even if that is hard, because the rest is my blood family. My real family isn't of my blood, though, it's the friends I made along the way.

As others said, staying alive and persevering is my victory over them, and how I can beat them, because if I ctb because of them it's their victory. Also cutting off contact with them.

 

[Judah]

When I was a high school student, I once had the idea of committing suicide but at the same time using my death to ruin the life of the person who was extremely bullying me.

 

[MiMif]

I have a lot of personal fantasies, things I wish happened or wish I could do, but none of them top how badly I wish I could kill myself as revenge.

When my brother confronted me in the kitchen, I imagine myself going further knowing nothing matters, him beating me, me grabbing a knife as if to threaten him and then slitting my own throat open. I imagine telling my parents how badly I want to kill myself, how awful everything is, and rewarding their indifference with a 12 gauge splattering my brains across the ceiling for my dad to find when he gets home. I imagine telling my parents I want to go on hormones, them yelling at me and denying, and this time I hang myself from the tree in the front yard for my dad to find after work. I imagine pulling the trigger when I was 14, having remembered to write the note this time, and them not being able to find me in the woods, only knowing that I took my Remington .270 with me and figuring out the rest.

I like to fantasize about my funeral, and people calling me a tragic soul or whatever, my friends fighting my family ruthlessly about what to call me. I like to imagine the people who wronged me finally feeling some form of consequence, finally understanding the results of their actions up close and personal.


Is this, like, really fucking strange? Does anyone else do this?

I used to in my teenage years but now I just fantasize about suicide not out of spite or anger but probably out of desire. I used to be really angry and my parents knew I was suicidal as a teen but ignored the issue and whenever my father cursed at me I imagined cutting myself with a knife.

Like one time I was washing the dishes while ,u father was cursing at me while I feigned indifference and I was really tempted to yell at him take the knife I was washing and stab it in my throat.

Now I'm older and could care less about revenge I don't really even get angry anymore probably cause of depression . I do however still fantasize

 

[certified_idiot]

"While those without primarily obsessional OCD might instinctively respond to bizarre, intrusive thoughts or impulses as insignificant and part of a normal variance in the human mind, someone with Pure-O will respond with profound alarm followed by an intense attempt to neutralize the thought or avoid having the thought again. The person begins to ask themselves constantly, "Am I really capable of something like that?" or "Could that really happen?" or "Is that really me?" (even though they usually realize that their fear is irrational, which causes them further distress)[7] and puts tremendous effort into escaping or resolving the unwanted thought. They then end up in a vicious cycle of mentally searching for reassurance and trying to get a definitive answer.[3][8]"

Fuck... I might have OCD. I've never thought about it before. I thought I was just crazy or something.