Does anyone else have everything they need but still can’t CTB?

[Sbetto]

It's been four years now that I've been actively thinking about suicide. I've tried different methods, but they turned out to be unsuccessful. I've never really been afraid of death itself, what I fear are the consequences and the pain that might come with dying.
Thanks to this forum, I discovered the existence of SN and how lethal it can be, and how relatively peaceful it seems compared to other methods. On December 20, 2024, I ordered SN with 99% purity, telling myself that I would do it eventually, I felt like I had finally found the right method for me.
Over the months, I wrote my letter and tried to perfect the plan, even buying an antiemetic. Then, a week ago, I managed to get a prescription for alprazolam.
Now I have everything I need to CTB, yet… I can't bring myself to do it. I could take benzos to suppress the SI, but I'm afraid, having never taken them before, that I might become dependent on them and lose the ability to go through with it.
I had promised myself I would do it by the end of May, when I'd have a clear path, but I didn't. And yet… I still want to die.

Is there anyone else who feels the same way ?
Does anyone else have everything ready but still can't take the next step ?

 

[plastic]

For a long time I have a method that I want to ctb. I'm not afraid of death, not even the suffering that will be those 5 minutes of dying, in fact I'd rather say I'm afraid of life, because I'm tired of problems. For me, the problem is the people around me, whom I will leave unhappy due to the fact that I am no longer around. I suffer because I don't want to hurt others...

 

[CandyCane]

SN doesn't seem peaceful to me at all.

 

[bankai]

SN doesn't seem peaceful to me at all.

It's relatively peaceful than other methods so it's good enough.

It also has a good success rate.

 

[GeminiButter]

It's been four years now that I've been actively thinking about suicide. I've tried different methods, but they turned out to be unsuccessful. I've never really been afraid of death itself, what I fear are the consequences and the pain that might come with dying.
Thanks to this forum, I discovered the existence of SN and how lethal it can be, and how relatively peaceful it seems compared to other methods. On December 20, 2024, I ordered SN with 99% purity, telling myself that I would do it eventually, I felt like I had finally found the right method for me.
Over the months, I wrote my letter and tried to perfect the plan, even buying an antiemetic. Then, a week ago, I managed to get a prescription for alprazolam.
Now I have everything I need to CTB, yet… I can't bring myself to do it. I could take benzos to suppress the SI, but I'm afraid, having never taken them before, that I might become dependent on them and lose the ability to go through with it.
I had promised myself I would do it by the end of May, when I'd have a clear path, but I didn't. And yet… I still want to die.

Is there anyone else who feels the same way ?
Does anyone else have everything reali but still can't take the next step ?

Yes, I can emphasise with how you feel - I was waiting for weeks for my stuff to arrive, and then it finally did. And I haven't done it or planned when to do it. I think a part of me is wondering if I really might be able to survive for longer now that a situation in my life that caused this latest breakdown looks like it will be ending soon, in a matter of weeks, and life doesn't feel as impossibly difficult and painful when I think about that no longer being something I have to deal with.

One thing I've seen a lot on here is people reminding other people that it's okay to change your mind or not want to do it, even right up till you take something to commit suicide. And if there is something stopping you, then it does mean you've maybe got something to hold on to, even if it's just tiny, and it's never something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. So that's how I'm trying to look at it now.

 

[Dante_]

And if there is something stopping you, then it does mean you've maybe got something to hold on to, even if it's just tiny, and it's never something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. So that's how I'm trying to look at it now.

I don't always agree with the notion that because something is stopping you, it means that there perhaps could be something to hold onto no matter how tiny. Other factors such as unsureness that the chosen method is sufficiently effective and worth using, and intolerance to discomfort are two i can think of.

 

[Sbetto]

I don't always agree with the notion that because something is stopping you, it means that there perhaps could be something to hold onto no matter how tiny. Other factors such as unsureness that the chosen method is sufficiently effective and worth using, and intolerance to discomfort are two i can think of.

Honestly, now that I have everything, I feel ready in case I decide to take SN. But at the same time, I don't feel ready to leave my mother, knowing I would cause her the greatest pain of her life.
Lately, to try and give myself courage, I've been thinking about a friend of mine who chose to CTB even though she had loving and present parents, a girlfriend, friends and a stable and successful career.
She had everything, and yet, at the same time, she had nothing.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I feel much the same. My fate is sealed, with SN and OTC benzos/antiemetics in hand. I've written my note, yet I must wait and stand. Though daily misery I must endure, no relief would find me if I didn't truly weigh things to rest.

 

[Mooncry]

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

me too. I booked a hotel with all my SN stuff, got there and suddenly... found I couldn't abandon a specific life dream of mine that I thought I'd killed off 15+ years ago lol. Because it is vanishingly unlikely to ever happen. So I sat there with the SN dissolved, antiemetics in my belly, thinking... what the hell is going on...

I'm going to try again in a week or two and in the meantime am doing everything I can to get it through my numb skull that this dream is unachievable!

 

[22yearsbroken]

I admit im not there yet but i do have all my options available .. all my meds sorted N and other substance. And all the extras to go with aswell as rope and exit bag prep...
But for me its due to my health.. and when my health catches up whicch wont be long im ready because im not going out the way .y body will .. im going my way.. when i choose .. when i want to anf i choose too