Does anyone else grieve their potenial/what could have been?

[Deleted member 7141]

A long read but hopefully others can relate.

Does anyone grieve who they may have been/had potential to become? If I could start my life over I would get protection from the abuse earlier. I would have pursued a career in law enforcement, FBI or CIA, Forensics. I have always loved forensics and studying/researching criminality. I also wanted to make the world a safer place. I wanted to get married one day, have loving friends, family, a normal life.

I once had dreams but it was too late by the time I realized they could have been a possibility. Things have gone past the point of return; my mind is not right. My life is wrecked by irreversible collateral damage socially, mentally, and physically . My life is permanently ruined. It is too much to explain but what I just wrote is facts!

I should have pulled the plug over a decade ago. Now I am in my early thirties and worse off by surviving my existence for as long as I have. Now, as a person I am figuratively deformed beyond all recognition and my mind is an open festering wound that is causing gangrene of the soul. I am missing… if I ever even really existed at all. It feels like I have always been just surviving not thriving.

I knew when I was a small child that my life wasn't going to be worth living. I had this inner angst and bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that my young mind couldn't fully understand at the time. I just "knew" my life was going to be hard and that if I remained alive it wasn't going to be worth the cost of the price I would pay. So, at age ten I attempted to kill myself more than once second time a charm but not lucky enough to succeed.

First attempt my abusive parent confined me to my room isolating me from the outside world as I vomited on myself and could have died. Parent wouldn't take me to hospital planned to just let me ride it out. Yelled at me that I had did it purposely to "get them in trouble". "Why was I doing this to them." Yet, I was the one dying posion in my blood stream. Even then tbe focus was on on them and demonizing what they felt was the source of all their problems- my existence.

They didn't want to get in trouble for allowing it to happen. The second time I ended up at age ten with tubes in my nose mouth stomach pumped in ICU.

Now decades later I realize that I still have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach except now the weight of my lifetime of a miserable existence and trauma is slowly crushing me. I can't even panic anymore. The slow death has set in. The boa constrictor of life is wrapped around my body squeezing me to death and I know it is inevitable so I stop fighting it because it would be a form of denial; I am stuck with no way to free myself from what has become my life and the person I am now.

I often sit and wonder what I could have done differently because the thoughts of me playing out the life I wish I had seems so pleasant and fulfilling. It is just a mirage in the desert of my life. I come back to the present moment, the room I am sitting in, and reality sets in. There is only one way to end this. Continuing to live isn't even a part of the conversation.

What I have lived through and continue to live through has permanently damaged me. I believe I am what is known as a "targeted individual "they" want to see me end my life. Well, this program is over they can have what they want. I give up! I don't care anymore. All the fight in me has stopped. The abuse of people in positions of power over me is to much for me to continue to bear.


I have no desire at all to continue to exist despite what "do gooders" think. I am not depressed in the clinical sense. I am calm and clear minded. Everyone that wants to die isn't mentally ill. Many of us may even have mental health diagnosis STILL the decision to die may be based on a logical train of thought based on our right to decide is it worth it? Is continuing to live "whatever our individual circumstances" worth the price we (alone) will have to pay?

Sometimes there isn't a solution, the individual isn't interested in "things supposedly getting better". People move beyond that. There is a limit a breaking point at which we sit down the boxing gloves, bloodied face body, and climb out of the ring. We are looking to end it not keep going through more rounds.

People say , "Stay in another round… a few more years. Things will get/could become better."

I am like, "Ummm- Hell no!"

I hate "do gooders/Christians, family, friends, strangers on internet, professionals" use of the word "but" ..but this, but that, your selfish, your mentally ill, you will regret it,.....blah blah blah

I can think for myself and I feel very positive about my choice to free myself.

Everyone isn't looking for an "out" with positive thinking. Nope! I choose realistic logical thinking.

Some people are chemically imbalanced, just need to feel loved, or are having a tempoary crisis. They can be saved but not people like me. This isn't some spur of the moment thing where I feel "triggered". I am not having a bad year so resorting to this. I, like many others, have carefully exmained our lives and come to certain conclusions over yearsss. We are who Euthanasia were meant for like it is available in Northern Europe.

Nothing will change I will NEVER be able to, for example" work in the field I want to. I have a colorful past that started by me trying to protect myself from abuse. It morphed into a nightmare. How many years later so much has happened, it will never be a possibility. No, I don't have a criminal record the colorful past is in reference to a lot of stuff.

If I wanted to end it just because of that I have a right to whether it makes sense to another person or not. There is no such thing as a "hope transplant". Some of us are figuratively terminally ill.

I grieve the life I can never have. The few things that did or would have made me happy (working overseas, certain career, having a partner ect) are NEVER going to be possibilities. You don't know my situation so please don't dismiss what I share about my life. Don't you hate when people say sh*t that wishful thinking or condescending?

"It will get better"
"You still have time"
"Anything is possible"
"It could happen/change"
"Others have it worse than you"

BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHH

The reality is that unless you have to live in the aftermath of an individual's life if they choose to remain alive you can't assume stuff that isn't relevant to their life/situation.

I wish I could start over and/or I could have the life I want but I am in deep sh*t with some very powerful and dangerous people plus other stuff. I have no recourse, no do overs, no where to run'n hide, no protection, I can't protect myself or fight back effectively, I have lost my life, health (physical/mental) and blah blah blah there is no coming back from the mess I am in, no reinventing myself, or better times coming for me.

I am seriously ready to go.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I too grieve the life I think I could have had if things had been a little different in my childhood. I also refuse to accept living with a lower quality of life, so ctb is the logical solution for me.

 

[azucaramargo]

DrownedLight, your post came at a very good time for me because this AM I really feel like you described the way I feel.

Usually I feel a glimmer of hope, or I fight to maintain one. But, this morning it just feels like every single endeavor I undertake is a failure. And, there is nothing good, sweet, positive, warm, loving, hopeful on the horizon.

Not trying to minimize your plight, but I was your age when I went overseas to work. So, just wanted you to know it can be done, and it isn't too late.

A suicidal friend of mine told me something his doctor said to him once: "If you kill yourself, there is no chance that your life will improve."

Do you hold out no hope for a miracle? What if our fortunes change? What if we get the things we want? Are you not curious about that glimmer of hope?

This is coming from someone feeling very much like you at the moment. I'm not trying to proselytize, but rather shore up hope for my own little self.

Thank you for the post. I felt sad that a young person like you feels so devoid of hope, but I also felt less alone to know someone else is struggling at this very moment.

 

[BPD_LE]

Yes. I'm sick of people telling me I'm intelligent and have so much potential. They don't understand. Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky enough to have a nurturing childhood. Intelligence is irrelevant when you're emotionally dysfunctional.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I can relate in some ways. Reading your story is so sad.
I could have been so much more but i let it all get the better of me and took the easy way out with booze.
My MH worker tells me how clever I am and what a waste it is. Yeah thanks, I'm not choosing to be like this, but the damage is done.

 

[MourningHeart]

I would have studied at least pharmacy or psychology after my education profession. But i declined it since at that time i met my love and wanted to be together with her as fast as i can, so i moved to her instead, left everything and everyone behind.

I worked for low wage to support her. After years, my wife got to masters degree but all my money is gone and im now stuck into this profession i hate. I wanted to catch up afterwards...

 

[Sweet emotion]

Are you kidding me? Every damn day if my life? Especially since I got physically ill at such a young age. I wanted to make it as an actor. And I know I could have. Every Drea! I've ever had has been taken away from me. I always wonder where I'd be now.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yes. Everyday and all day.

God, it hurts so fucking much...

 

[Wayfaerer]

I hate "do gooders/Christians, family, friends, strangers on internet, professionals" use of the word "but" ..but this, but that, your selfish, your mentally ill, you will regret it,.....blah blah blah

I always get a kick out of when people say you'll regret killing yourself because you'll be too dead to feel any regrets.

 

[LivingToLong]

That is such a moving post @DrownedLight , much to take on board. You are such a creative and honest writer - it's never to explore that ;) Seriously, do you find solace through writing? Your voice is unique, maybe you find some peace and purpose exploring it?

I'm a good bit older than you but I too share that sense of unfulfilled potential. In my case though, I feel it's too late to do anything about it. I see talent all around me (in literature, poetry, music, film and tv) and it can make me feel simultaneously uplifted and yet cold. Uplifted because my world opens to a new vision, and that excites me, but I plummet instantly with the thought that I'll never achieve anything of its equal. It takes years to hone those skills, to perfect the honesty of vision, and I no longer have years on my side. I wish that, when I was younger, I had been brave enough to have been myself and explore my own passions. I fortunately didn't suffer abuse but neither (and I really don't mean this to sound like a gripe) was I shown a world of possibilities. It was as it was. I existed, I behaved and I towed the line. As individuals, we are influenced by those around us and we bounce off of them in our own ways. I've been bounced down a common path of tedious normality, not one I would have chosen as an idealistic youngster.

Now, I feel I have reached (as you suggest is possible) what feels to be a logical decision, a rational need to bring my life to a close. I will never achieve what I now feel was possible. Worse still, I never even tried to achieve it. I don't even have a 'misspent youth' to brag/blame! I am 'normal', perfectly healthy (mentally and physically) but I feel that I've missed my time. I have an overbearing sadness, a loss at what might have been - and it's too much. I can see no sense in continuing like this.

 

[Deleted member 7141]

That is such a moving post @DrownedLight , much to take on board. You are such a creative and honest writer - it's never to explore that ;) Seriously, do you find solace through writing? Your voice is unique, maybe you find some peace and purpose exploring it?

Now, I feel I have reached (as you suggest is possible) what feels to be a logical decision, a rational need to bring my life to a close. I will never achieve what I now feel was possible. Worse still, I never even tried to achieve it. I don't even have a 'misspent youth' to brag/blame! I am 'normal', perfectly healthy (mentally and physically) but I feel that I've missed my time. I have an overbearing sadness, a loss at what might have been - and it's too much. I can see no sense in continuing like this.

Thank you for reading my barely coherent, sloppy, post filled with grammatical errors galore. I was very upset when I wrote it but that is no excuse. I will try to write better post in the future. I am surprised at the response I received. I am glad that other people can relate.

I was almost murdered last year after I was lured into a building and held against my will. I was betrayed by someone that had befriended me and who I thought I could trust. My rapist's friend was involved and apart of the gang he belonged to. I was never a part of a gang. The person who befriended me was a woman associated with them but I didn't know that.

I lived in a very poor/ bad area of town and it got me in the wrong place at the wrong time more than once. I spoke out about what happened to me and I have never been able to completely keep them and the situation in my past. I have experienced the worst type of people more often than mosy. Some street people but also blue collar people who were just as shady and bad.

Its a long story but my point in bringing it up as an example is I have been through a lot of stuff most people never have.

I lived in an end day cult offgrid for a while after I left the abuse in group homes/foster care. As cults go the sh*t was f'ed up. I thought they were going to be the family I never had.

I went through people dismissing and in general not giving a f**k about what happened to me. As a survior of rape, violence, abuse among other things, I can say that sometimes the world doesn't give a 'fk about you or your life but people continuously are like, "Don't kill yourself"...

While these same people go home to a family and sh*t and have actual people who care about them. No one has a right to tell another person, especially an adult, what to do with their life. Nor how I decide to process and come to terms with my life. I literally have no one who cares about me and never have.

A person who has never dealt with the type of trama I have live through will try to tell you how great life is and wonderful. This person has never and will never know what it is like to exist in your skin, body, life nor would be able to deal with it. Yet, these random people who it seems live on another universe are the first to try to tell someone how to feel and what not to do.

Even if someone has been through what I have and still has hope it is irrelevant. People process trama differently. A lot depends on the support system you have and getting help when you need it to get through it. Not having those things is place just makes things worse. After a certain point it is to late to repair the damage done. #autopilot

We get demonized for being so distraught that we want to relinquish our right to exist. Some how we are bad people, selfish, not thinking straight or other bs. No, I think very clearly and have a sharp mind. I have needed to in order to survive as long as I have.

I have lived through a lot of sh*t. I have lived more life than a lot of people older than me. Yet, I don't identify myself as a victim. I do, however, feel as though I am ready to end this "sh*t show" once and for all.

Not as a "poor me" "pity party" or "victim" but as a survivor of tremendous horrors, abuse, struggles.

I survived but who wants to continue to live after surviving certain sh*t. Am I suppose to give myself a pat on the back for surviving and live happiku ever after? Worse who wants live after surviving certain sh*t to come home alone. Living in a world where no one that loves you or can affirm your existence means something to them or anyone.

It is a cold world out here and d
no one cares is the overwhelming impression I have.

I have a right to decide "enough is enough." I came into this life and have lived quite a few chapters and I am content to end things at this point.

Ending my life isn't about an unknown future. I really don't care about hypothesis of a supposed bright future right around the corner or learning to live in my sh*t one fking miserable day at a time. No! just, no.

It is about not being able to function at my fullest and function properly in a world that is unforgiving merciless and cruel. It is about knowing that after certain things are set in motion the ripple effects will be felt for many more years to come. People assume everyone that wants to die because of thought disorders and just need a dose of happy thoughts, cognitive therapy anyone(lmfao).

I am tired ... so tired of everything. I hate existing on this planet and who I have shared space with on it. Oh, my anger isn't only reserved for the crappy people of the world but also myself. I have been through a lot of poor choices have only caused things to become worse. Some I made out of ignorance, desperation.

Certain bad life choices you can move on from but others will haunt your a** until the day you die. No amount of therapy and medications can stop certain things that have been set in motion. You are either going to have to learn to live with your sh*t or not. You are not a coward if you decide not to.

I am completely alone in this world and have had to live through nightmarish situations one after another. It feels like I am cursed or have bad luck. I have had to deal with multiple traumas on my own or reduced to being around people who were toxic but all I had at the time.

If I am my age and haven't been able to get things right and figure out how to function in the world in addition to dealing with my tramas then it is time to go. My condition is deteriorating.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

Yes, a lot. I'm in my forties and grew up in a time when things were not diagnosed or they were under diagnosed. They also didn't do shit about bullies then. I also feel my parents just thought I wasn't trying hard enough, when other factors were at play. I was really good with computers then, but people including myself didn't take it seriously and no one encouraged me. So, I dropped out of High School, got my GED and I spent my twenties having "fun" fucking off selling drugs surrounded by fake "friends". I'm pretty sure I destroyed what little brain I had at this time also. I never developed a work ethic or a trade or proper social skills. I got diagnosed with ADD in my thirties but I missed all that time. Now I'm socially and mentally fucked. One referral to a doctor when I was 12 could have changed everything.

 

[Deleted member 7141]

Yes, a lot. I'm in my forties and grew up in a time when things were not diagnosed or they were under diagnosed. They also didn't do shit about bullies then. I also feel my parents just thought I wasn't trying hard enough, when other factors were at play. I was really good with computers then, but people including myself didn't take it seriously and no one encouraged me. So, I dropped out of High School, got my GED and I spent my twenties having "fun" fucking off selling drugs surrounded by fake "friends". I'm pretty sure I destroyed what little brain I had at this time also. I never developed a work ethic or a trade or proper social skills. I got diagnosed with ADD in my thirties but I missed all that time. Now I'm socially and mentally fucked. One referral to a doctor when I was 12 could have changed everything.

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to what you wrote. I appreciate everyone responding and taking the time to read my venting. My mind/brain is burnt out too. I don't know how to continue to function in a fulfilling meanginful way anymore. I feel so alone which makes life even more devalued. I just want everything to end.

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, I have a feeling had things been different it's likely I would have had lots of success all around. Ok at the very least I would not be a prostitute with complex ptsd barely surviving lol! I'm sure of that. There was such severe neglect and abuse in my childhood that I feel like I developed personality damage to a point that I failed to develop skills for relationships, managing the ups and downs, emotions, having an accurate view of myself and the world around me. I saw the world and other people as dangerous and lived my life in survival mode.

It's painful to think what I might have been and the fullfillment I might have now had I been guided right, loved, encouraged, invested in. I think I could have been a professional dancer or entertainer had I had the opportunity and things went good enough in childhood so that I didn't go off the rails and become destructive. That's not the only thing I think I could have been successful in but that was my dream as a kid. I think when u are ignored in childhood it makes u want to be famous and u seek attention way worse than had u been validated and given the right attention at home when u needed it.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I try not to think about what I could have been because it makes me sick. I never had a chance to be anything. All I get to be is chronically ill, in pain, and bed bound the majority of the time.

 

[Deleted member 7141]

It's painful to think what I might have been and the fulfillment I might have now had I been guided right, loved, encouraged, invested in...

You and I understand each other completely. This hit so close to home:

Yes, I have a feeling had things been different it's likely I would have had lots of success all around. I'm sure of that. There was such severe neglect and abuse in my childhood that I feel like I developed personality damage to a point that I failed to develop skills for relationships, managing the ups and downs, emotions, having an accurate view of myself and the world around me. I saw the world and other people as dangerous and lived my life in survival mode.

It's painful to think what I might have been and the fulfillment I might have now had I been guided right, loved, encouraged, invested in.

 

[LivingToLong]

I will try to write better post in the future.

Please just write as you write, it's a stream of consciousness sort of thing. Don't worry about/ignore errors of grammar etc. We all make them. I made a very confusing one in my post, it made my sentence undecipherable! But it'll not start a world war so no sense aching over it.

Besides, you write very well (imo of course) your words flow and move me - and that's what we hope for when we write.

You and I are so different; separated by countless miles that could be counted but experiences that could not be. How do you compare such things? I haven't suffered the same pains as you have, yet your words allow me to glimpse your world. You are more of a survivor than me, perhaps more than I could ever be. The desire in me to give up and lay down and die is huge... but who knows what we are capable of when we try. Well, you clearly have a better idea than me, that much I can say!

It is about not being able to function at my fullest and function properly in a world that is unforgiving merciless and cruel. It is about knowing that after certain things are set in motion the ripple effects will be felt for many more years to come.

I feel that too, even though our worlds are different. I think/talk often of actions and consequences; how our every action takes us down a path, and starts a chain of events - some good, some bad - and we can't know every outcome. For the most part, when the consequences are of our own actions, we can live with that. Roll with it. But sometimes the actions are not our own and yet we reap the sh*t anyway. Other people can f*ck up our lives - and I feel the dice is loaded against us.

I was going to say life is cruel but, you know, I don't think it is. I think people are cruel. The world we have created for ourselves casts people into depravity. It seems that we have created a system that depends on injustice and inequality, where we are pitched one against another. You find yourself in places of injustice through no fault of your own, and you have to work harder to survive than others do. 'You never had it so good' say those who have always had it better.

Well written words can take you to a different place and can shine a torch on injustice. Well placed words can kick off little changes... and you write well. If you haven't already, please do think about writing more.

 

[Mr2005]

All the time. Because I didn't do the simplest of tasks to help myself I'll never know what would have happened if I had. I just wish I'd done it and then if it had been the same anyway it would be easier to accept that was that. Because I didn't I envision I could have had everything

 

[Deleted member 7141]

Please just write as you write, it's a stream of consciousness sort of thing. Don't worry about/ignore errors of grammar etc. We all make them. I made a very confusing one in my post, it made my sentence undecipherable! But it'll not start a world war so no sense aching over it.

Besides, you write very well (imo of course) your words flow and move me - and that's what we hope for when we write.

You and I are so different; separated by countless miles that could be counted but experiences that could not be. How do you compare such things? I haven't suffered the same pains as you have, yet your words allow me to glimpse your world. You are more of a survivor than me, perhaps more than I could ever be. The desire in me to give up and lay down and die is huge... but who knows what we are capable of when we try. Well, you clearly have a better idea than me, that much I can say!



I feel that too, even though our worlds are different. I think/talk often of actions and consequences; how our every action takes us down a path, and starts a chain of events - some good, some bad - and we can't know every outcome. For the most part, when the consequences are of our own actions, we can live with that. Roll with it. But sometimes the actions are not our own and yet we reap the sh*t anyway. Other people can f*ck up our lives - and I feel the dice is loaded against us.

I was going to say life is cruel but, you know, I don't think it is. I think people are cruel. The world we have created for ourselves casts people into depravity. It seems that we have created a system that depends on injustice and inequality, where we are pitched one against another. You find yourself in places of injustice through no fault of your own, and you have to work harder to survive than others do. 'You never had it so good' say those who have always had it better.

Well written words can take you to a different place and can shine a torch on injustice. Well placed words can kick off little changes... and you write well. If you haven't already, please do think about writing more.

You write well too. Your response hit on so many things that I wholly agree with. We may be miles a part but we have definitely been a part of the same world with the same type of people and have drawn the same conclusions. Thank you for this response. It confirms I am not going crazy. Other people have come to the same conclusions I have about the world, life, and the struggles of existence.

 

[LivingToLong]

Other people have come to the same conclusions I have about the world, life, and the struggles of existence.

I feel this forum attracts people who are unafraid to put voice to their struggles. I find some of the writing here to be among the most raw that I read. It's real and sometimes painful to read. Existing is hard for some people and you have to ask yourself why that is. Is it, as I said before, because the dice are loaded? It's difficult for me not to conclude that.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I just can't accept the fact that I'm going to be 20 next year. I've been crying myself to sleep for days because I've realized that I wasted my teenage years isolated in my room doing schoolwork. I haven't felt alive since I was 12, and I'll have no positive memories to turn back and reflect on. My life had been so boring and since then I've only had one close friend from the age 16-18 and I still like her so much but I drove her away and she probably only hung out with me out of pity anyway. If I could only turn back time to 2012 and focus less on school and more on being social.

 

[Polka]

Intelligence is irrelevant when you're emotionally dysfunctional.

This is such a great quote. Thank you. I learned this the hard way these last four months.

 

[Deleted member 7141]

Are you kidding me? Every damn day if my life? Especially since I got physically ill at such a young age. I wanted to make it as an actor. And I know I could have. Every Drea! I've ever had has been taken away from me. I always wonder where I'd be now.

Is the woman in the picture icon you? If so, you are beautiful.

 

[Azzy69]

as part of my government income i receive i have to be enrolled in a course, im doing some alternative for those who did not finish high school, and people in the course always talk about their plans for the future, how they want a family and kids etc., and it makes me feel like crying because i know ill be dead within a year, and i feel like im throwing my life away. Everyone has plans for their future and my future is death

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

Yes, I have a feeling had things been different it's likely I would have had lots of success all around. Ok at the very least I would not be a prostitute with complex ptsd barely surviving lol! I'm sure of that. There was such severe neglect and abuse in my childhood that I feel like I developed personality damage to a point that I failed to develop skills for relationships, managing the ups and downs, emotions, having an accurate view of myself and the world around me. I saw the world and other people as dangerous and lived my life in survival mode.

It's painful to think what I might have been and the fullfillment I might have now had I been guided right, loved, encouraged, invested in. I think I could have been a professional dancer or entertainer had I had the opportunity and things went good enough in childhood so that I didn't go off the rails and become destructive. That's not the only thing I think I could have been successful in but that was my dream as a kid. I think when u are ignored in childhood it makes u want to be famous and u seek attention way worse than had u been validated and given the right attention at home when u needed it.

Sounds like we had similar childhoods. I also have complex ptsd. Hope things get better for u

I try not to think about what I could have been because it makes me sick. I never had a chance to be anything. All I get to be is chronically ill, in pain, and bed bound the majority of the time.

That's horrible. I'm sorry

 

[Ko9]

I was taken away from a ''normal school'' because of abuse and me being mental either way I grieve that life that I didn't lead. So there's that.

 

[Detour]

If the abuse that took place in my childhood hadn't happened I wouldn't be on this site today.

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

If the abuse that took place in my childhood hadn't happened I wouldn't be on this site today.

pretty sure about the same thing myself

 

[Detour]

pretty sure about the same thing myself

Im sorry this happened to us and led us down this path. Fucked up world but I hope things go well for you my friend

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

All the time sometimes I just think what would life be like if things didn't happened to me and wonder what it would be like if I made better choices.