Discussion Does anyone else get really nostalgic when you’re planning to ctb?

[somedayillbefree]

I've been pretty deeply suicidal for a few weeks now, and I've noticed that I get really nostalgic when I'm in the process of making plans to ctb. I've been looking through old family photos and reminiscing with my mom about childhood stories. I keep returning to the music and shows I loved when I was a really little kid, before the illness got me. I wouldn't call it comforting or distracting, because I still want to die, and I can't look at my younger self without seeing the wasteful fuck up she'll become, but it doesn't hurt as much I thought it would.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Everytime.

I remember days of strength, days that I played soccer having -9 D Myopia, days of Parkour or days spinning a pipe trying to be a Jedi.

Now reduced to what I call, dying warrior with a broken sword and armor.
Still trying to live a bit, but not certainly why neither if it's worth it.

Not much memories since I lived very little, but it was fun.

"Everybody dies, but not everybody lives"

I tried to live, it was fun while it lasted.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Nostalgic is an interesting word to use. It makes sense. I don't really get nostalgic when I'm more suicidal. I just get a very strong feeling that it's the end, that my time is up.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes I do. I think if you have had some great times as a kid nostalgia is powerful. I really miss those times but I wouldn't want to go back either. Pockets of joy isn't worth a lifetime of pain. I just wish it was all over with but my mum was right, taking your life is not easy.

 

[Anonymous_A]

Not sure if reminiscing and nostalgia are the same thing but man I get sad af when I think about stuff.

But im then hit with realisation that I'm cant re-live them moments, or even have moments similar to that again, since I'm past the age, everyone settling down, have jobs and are pretty much growing up.

Also hate looking back/reminiscing the good opportunities I didn't/couldn't take, which could have put me into a better place now.

Feelsbad.jpeg

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Yesterday I was in the supermarket, conspicuously contemplating my inevitable ctb while walking through the aisles, when a campy pop song from 2011 started blaring over the speakers. That one really unearthed some archaic memories.

I must have been 11 or 12 when that song was popular. Back then, I had so much more potential. My mind and body weren't tainted by disease back then. Sure, I still had autism and a fair amount of ptsd weighing me down during my childhood, but a certain wonder and lustre about the world continued to exist within the realm of possibility.

I loved reading, writing, drawing, sewing, and playing Pokemon back in those days. There's a sense of tranquility one experiences in childhood that can never be replicated later in life. Innocence can only be lost, I suppose.

During that year, I had had finally made friends at school and I truly enjoyed cutting up and just shooting the shit with my mates everyday at lunchtime. I genuinely loved learning and doing schoolwork. I was a curious kid who loved gaining knowledge and learning more about the world. Yet, I was also quite naive about what was yet to come.

As death draws near, I can only look back at those recollections with fondness. I should have treasured my friends, my health, and my education more. If only I had known what would happen to me in the future, so much hardship could have been prevented.

I often remember happier days of when I was around 3 or 4 years old. My grandparents, the ones who raised me (as my own parents essentially left me for the wolves) would take me to this large outdoor boot sale/flea market where hundreds of vendors gathered at different stalls, selling all sorts of junk, antiques, books, produce, flowers, etc.

No one was in pain then. My grandfather was still with us, and he was so vibrant, happy, and full of life, ecstatic to show his beloved grandchild all of what this strange world had to offer. Most of those bizzare stalls are all boarded up nowadays, gathering dust and pollen. My grandfather sits in an urn. My grandmother is very ill due to the wear and tear of old age. When she is gone, I will have no one in this world who loves me.

All I have left is those memories. There is nothing for me anymore.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Yesterday I was in the supermarket, conspicuously contemplating my inevitable ctb while walking through the aisles, when a campy pop song from 2011 started blaring over the speakers. That one really unearthed some archaic memories.

I must have been 11 or 12 when that song was popular. Back then, I had so much more potential. My mind and body weren't tainted by disease back then. Sure, I still had autism and a fair amount of ptsd weighing me down during my childhood, but a certain wonder and lustre about the world continued to exist within the realm of possibility.

I loved reading, writing, drawing, sewing, and playing Pokemon back in those days. There's a sense of tranquility one experiences in childhood that can never be replicated later in life. Innocence can only be lost, I suppose.

During that year, I had had finally made friends at school and I truly enjoyed cutting up and just shooting the shit with my mates everyday at lunchtime. I genuinely loved learning and doing schoolwork. I was a curious kid who loved gaining knowledge and learning more about the world. Yet, I was also quite naive about what was yet to come.

As death draws near, I can only look back at those recollections with fondness. I should have treasured my friends, my health, and my education more. If only I had known what would happen to me in the future, so much hardship could have been prevented.

I often remember happier days of when I was around 3 or 4 years old. My grandparents, the ones who raised me (as my own parents essentially left me for the wolves) would take me to this large outdoor boot sale/flea market where hundreds of vendors gathered at different stalls, selling all sorts of junk, antiques, books, produce, flowers, etc.

No one was in pain then. My grandfather was still with us, and he was so vibrant, happy, and full of life, ecstatic to show his beloved grandchild all of what this strange world had to offer. Most of those bizzare stalls are all boarded up nowadays, gathering dust and pollen. My grandfather sits in an urn. My grandmother is very ill due to the wear and tear of old age. When she is gone, I will have no one in this world who loves me.

All I have left is those memories. There is nothing for me anymore.

Songs do that all the time. Teleport us back to the past in the same instant.

These days I went to a Chinese restaurant near where I live and "Where is the Love" by the Black Eyed Peas started playing.

At the same time I remembered the times when I used to hear this while playing an online game that I loved called "Ragnarok Online".

Those were good times, that will never come back.

 

[The Lonely]

Yeah, I feel very nostalgic…

But being aware that those good times are never coming back…. Is sad…

I am already destroying some of these memories

 

[FuneralCry]

In general, I am the type of person who reflects on things and spends a lot of time in my own thoughts. To me, times in the past were not as bad, but I still was not exactly content with living back then. I think I feel nostalgic as I feel so distant from my memories and I ignore many of the bad parts. It's also a form of escapism I guess.

My life used to be quite different in many ways. Memories can be a painful thing, as in life time passes and things change and you can never go back. I'm not sure I would choose to go back though. But yes, when I was close to ctb last year, I spent time thinking about the past.

 

[Shadowplay]

Nah my life was always sh!t in that I've wanted to CTB for pretty much as long as I can remember.

Funnily enough some music makes me nostalgic for times that never existed which is apparently common.

 

[Lost Magic]

yeah, I sometimes burst into tears when I look back on old stuff. I miss some of the simpler times in life. God I am so sad and lonely it is unreal.

 

[bed]

Kind of yeah. I've been playing old games that used to bring me joy from my childhood.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Not really. There is nothing that I truly miss from the past even seemingly happy moments. I just feel it all was for nothing as my life now sucks and there is no way to make it even little better. I just want out

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I almost have nostalgia for nostalgia… When Life had meaning, When there was a story there… When there was depth and grandeur and purpose And possibility… All of that has been drained from my life… So now it's just a phantom existence… But I do remember when Life had meaning… Was really quite beautiful at times…

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

I do, and it makes me incredibly sad, knowing what my Life could have been if there had been just a little support when I started struggling.
If I'd had responsible parents to look out for me (my problems started as a minor).
I feel that I had so much potential and now all I'll be is a corpse with a sad past that will be forgotten as I never had time to achieve anything substantial, and now I don't have the agency to do so.

This world is a cruel place, but at least I had some really good times in my childhood.

 

[Arrow]

i've never really had any specific plans laid out but i think i know what you mean. my mind wanders to familiar places in my memories. simpler times.

 

[tryingtoescape]

Yes. I think of old familiar, peaceful memories of me and my family, being very young, when I was a baby. I look at old childhood photo albums.

 

[ARW3N]

Unfortunately, yes, like I'm trying to make sense of a meaningless life.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I totally get what you mean by watching your childhood shows and music back before the illness got you

 

[SpaxeZ]

I've been pretty deeply suicidal for a few weeks now, and I've noticed that I get really nostalgic when I'm in the process of making plans to ctb. I've been looking through old family photos and reminiscing with my mom about childhood stories. I keep returning to the music and shows I loved when I was a really little kid, before the illness got me. I wouldn't call it comforting or distracting, because I still want to die, and I can't look at my younger self without seeing the wasteful fuck up she'll become, but it doesn't hurt as much I thought it would.

For me it's like my whole life flashing before my eyes exactly as you out it.. making it harder for me in the sense of bringing up all the emotions and what ifs..