Growing up with a schizophrenic mother was incredibly challenging, and unfortunately, it led me to gain a significant amount of weight. Society's response was heartless - I was ostracized and ridiculed for my appearance. Due to all the backlashes both in school and at home (beside my mom my siblings were treating me like a piece of shit as well) I became depressed as a teen early on.
I had these almost manic episodes where I managed to shed 40kg in a relatively short time, not once but twice. At first, I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and relief and I noticed how people started to treat me better, getting attention from girls etc. It's all I ever wanted: To feel like a fucking normal human being which is socially accepted. However, the harsh reality of the "jojo effect" hit me like a ton of bricks, and I ended up gaining all the weight back. Twice. It's incredibly sad and disheartening, especially when it feels like society only values and cares firstly and mainly about the appearance. All this hard work, gone. Again. To make matters worse, I now bear the physical marks of these struggles - stretch marks cover my entire body due to the rapid weight fluctuations caused by the yo-yo effect.
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and it helped me get out of my most depressed state so far, leading me to attempt another weight loss journey. I work out for an hour every day and because of all the diets and attempts before I have no choice but try to do it in a more slower and sustainable pace.
Today is just one of these days where I think, why the fuck me? I don't want to deny that I'm responsible for my own actions but I also can't deny that I developed this eating habit as a fucking child / 12 years old and I was trying to cope with the situation of my mom. And for this I am doomed for the rest of my life? Seriously? I put in all of this work and I will be looking miserable for maybe the next 2-3 years, to eventually not being looked at silly, be respected and find a partner because apparently thats all that matters.
I feel like this will be my very last try until I just give up and binge on ketamine every fucking day until I eventually CTB.
All of my life I aimed the hate against myself, but weirdly I start to feel this hate only for society and how people treated me. In a strange way it fuels me to continue with my very last try.
Pretty sure nobody will read this
Stay safe
fatty44
I had these almost manic episodes where I managed to shed 40kg in a relatively short time, not once but twice. At first, I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and relief and I noticed how people started to treat me better, getting attention from girls etc. It's all I ever wanted: To feel like a fucking normal human being which is socially accepted. However, the harsh reality of the "jojo effect" hit me like a ton of bricks, and I ended up gaining all the weight back. Twice. It's incredibly sad and disheartening, especially when it feels like society only values and cares firstly and mainly about the appearance. All this hard work, gone. Again. To make matters worse, I now bear the physical marks of these struggles - stretch marks cover my entire body due to the rapid weight fluctuations caused by the yo-yo effect.
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and it helped me get out of my most depressed state so far, leading me to attempt another weight loss journey. I work out for an hour every day and because of all the diets and attempts before I have no choice but try to do it in a more slower and sustainable pace.
Today is just one of these days where I think, why the fuck me? I don't want to deny that I'm responsible for my own actions but I also can't deny that I developed this eating habit as a fucking child / 12 years old and I was trying to cope with the situation of my mom. And for this I am doomed for the rest of my life? Seriously? I put in all of this work and I will be looking miserable for maybe the next 2-3 years, to eventually not being looked at silly, be respected and find a partner because apparently thats all that matters.
I feel like this will be my very last try until I just give up and binge on ketamine every fucking day until I eventually CTB.
All of my life I aimed the hate against myself, but weirdly I start to feel this hate only for society and how people treated me. In a strange way it fuels me to continue with my very last try.
Pretty sure nobody will read this
Stay safe
fatty44
