Does anyone else feel sad knowing that they have to ctb

[Kev]

I don't think anyone is happy about being suicidal. I think everyone wishes that their life wasn't so miserable that they prefer death to life, and that is completely normal to be sad about. I certainly am very, very sad that my life has come to this. I was such an optimistic kid, too. I had big plans and big dreams. I looked forward to having a good career, good friends, a lot of hobbies, and most of all, I looked forward to loving and being loved. But as I matured and learned more about the world and the universe and how attraction works, I realized that the last scenario is a very unlikely option for me, and that makes me indescribably sad. I have a very crude sense of humor and suicide jokes used to be a big part of my comedy repertoire when I was a kid/teenager -- I never imagined I would be crying myself to sleep every night and wishing that I had died in my sleep every morning.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

The only thing I'm really sad about is the fact that my sister will still be in this world.

 

[unoriginal]

I'm exactly the same way. One day I'll be totally buddha-like, equanimous and at peace with my decision and the next, when it's actually time to walk the walk I'll be sobbing and dredging up all sorts of nostalgic memories unintentionally tethering myself to life further and further. I don't think that it means you're not ready. I think very few people are actually composed and unconflicted about ctb at all times.

The same happens in everyday situation not related to suicide. Sometime we easily do stuff that requires courage and determination and later the same task will seem completely unconquerable to us and we'll have no idea how we actually managed to go through with it. That's just how humans work - our emotional states are fickle and changable and influenced by a myriad of factors that aren't under our control. But our cognitive faculties are. Even when I'm tearfully clutching at straws of false hopes and stupid reasons why I should postopone again this time, I always know what the right and most rational course of action actually is, and that all these emotional bullshit is just my irrational lizard brain talking.

I don't think that this misalignment of emotion and reason signifies that one is conflicted about the issue. If we used the same standard in our everyday affairs we would never get shit done, always ruminating about whether we're really sure or just 60% sure about stuff. I think the key is to catch this rare moment when your emotions and reasons happen to concur and do it then and there. That's what I'll be waiting for, anyway.

 

[NoHope]

I feel sad when I think about living a miserable life for the remainder of my days and deluding myself with false hopes and distractions.

I don't feel sad about my decision to ctb. It is what it is. I'm actually glad that things turned out this way, because I've always known deep down that I would end up killing myself. All the negative feelings will end once I die, so there's no need to feel sad about it. The sooner I ctb, the better.

 

[NOISYMIND]

That was me a few days ago. It feels crap. And it feels crap too when I'm thinking what if it happens again next time I try CTB. You're not alone my friend.