Does anyone else feel sad knowing that they have to ctb

[solacely]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

 

[InkBlot]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

Call it survival instinct, god's will, destiny, whatever. Its real. It sucks. Because at the end of the day, the urge to live is still automatically programmed in us. Thats why I can't just give up the will to live and stop breathing.

My advice: Go get a hotel room in a faraway city, and plan it there. If you don't go through with it, you spent a night away from all of the day to day bullsh**. Ive felt a lot of relief just doing a dry run in a nice hotel, drinking and ordering room service. If you bail, you pampered yourself. If not, you were comfortable before you went.

 

[MissLisa]

Yes I can relate, although for me the immense sadness is because of certain people in my life. They are the reason I am still alive and it hurts so much everyday.

 

[IfHeDiesHeDies]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

I understand how you feel. I don't feel sad that I have to CTB ( apart from the trauma I would cause to my loved ones) but I do feel sad that I have a terminal disease. I feel sad I can't do the things I used to enjoy, I feel sad I have to quit my job, I feel sad I am in constant pain and is a useless pile of shit andI feel sad I won't see my loved ones again. On the other hand, I feel relieved that this nightmare will soon end.

 

[bigj75]

Call it survival instinct, god's will, destiny, whatever. Its real. It sucks. Because at the end of the day, the urge to live is still automatically programmed in us. Thats why I can't just give up the will to live and stop breathing.

My advice: Go get a hotel room in a faraway city, and plan it there. If you don't go through with it, you spent a night away from all of the day to day bullsh**. Ive felt a lot of relief just doing a dry run in a nice hotel, drinking and ordering room service. If you bail, you pampered yourself. If not, you were comfortable before you went.

very good post.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

I have looked into devil's breath to help with that

 

[PatKat]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

I am not sad about it at all. I have wanted to for 22 years though all that is gone.

 

[skyofAuroras]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

Yeah I get sad thinking about it too. The fact that I've gotten to the point where It is better to die than to live always depresses me. Although there is always that annoying little voice in my head saying things can get better, and even though I know it's fucking lie I can't help but believe it. Good luck finding some way around it.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

I get sad too. It's not that I want to die, if that makes sense, I just feel like it's something I have to do.
I think about the future and what I might miss out on, but then I also think about all things suicide.
It's complicated, and probably the reason why I've been so reluctant to CTB.
I've had plenty of ups and downs in my life. Right now, I'm at the bottom of the rollercoaster, but there's a chance of it gaining momentum again with a little push and I'll be right back up at the top...
But I'm done with ups and downs. Things get better, but then they get bad again, but seemingly twice as worse than before.

 

[Ben]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

I related for sure, you are not alone. I have to KTB, there is nothing left to choose. I've accepted death a long time ago, but if all my problems went away with a push of a magic button, I would certainly push it.

However that's when I was at my most depressed, when I was wishing it was better. Once i accepted it's not never going to be, i stopped spending every second in mental anguish.

 

[Sayo]

Why not grieve for yourself and process it? You are in a sense trapped. Many people would choose to live happily if they could rather than be suicidal. When a person knows they will die of an illness or some similar cause, they will also grieve for themselves. I speculate coming to terms with one's death as much as possible may be necessary.

 

[samhelloall9]

No.

 

[windingdown]

Last year I felt constantly frightened, thinking of my fate of ctb. Now I feel more of a general grief over the tragedy of human existence. I think humans are dear beings in a biologically rigged existence. We want so much to be well and happy, and it is near impossible. We age and become ill or disabled. We're trapped in bodies, faulty organisms, that devastate us.

I feel very sad when I listen to my favorite music, or think of things that used to make me happy. It is sad to recognize that the earlier promise of happiness just won't ever be fulfilled - it can't. I got as close as I will ever get.

 

[Wantingpeace]

Yes am devastated.

 

[RacilyDank]

Yes I feel sad. Sad about all the reasons that have led me to this place. Sad about the people who care that I'll leave behind. Sad about not being able to actually do it as well

 

[Miss clefable]

No I'm not sad only sad for others

 

[lost illusions]

I don't know if maybe I'm just not truly ready for ctb but every time I schedule a day to go through with it I'll start off with being extremely impatient with waiting for my planned day and fantasize about it constantly but then the last few days leading up to it I get increasingly more upset and depressed. Like I'll just break down and start sobbing multiple times a day until I get to the actual planned day and then I somehow talk myself out of doing it and try to convince myself that things will maybe get "better." It's not that I'm sad about my actual death, it's more that I'm just sad that my life has brought me to this point and there's absolutely nothing that will help me. I think it might be partially fear as well. I've been crying all day because I'm supposed to ctb tomorrow but I'm 99% sure I'll end up talking myself out of it once again. Maybe all of this is just part of the survival instinct? I don't know. Anyone else relate?

I can relate

 

[Ashpac]

Im more sad at the fact I stayed alive all this time trying to make my life better and thinking it would get better when in reality it got worse every year. It makes me angry infact that ive wasted all this time to stay alive for nothing.

 

[lost illusions]

Im more sad at the fact I stayed alive all this time trying to make my life better and thinking it would get better when in reality it got worse every year. It makes me angry infact that ive wasted all this time to stay alive for nothing.

Agreed

 

[lost illusions]

I know that I have only 2 choices, keep fighting and loose, or give up and die anyway

 

[wanttodie]

I am not sad about it at all im happy about it

 

[Shay]

Sad because I really never wanted to end my life. I had a great life up to 4 mo ago. I never even imagined leaving the world ever. Now I feel I must or left feeling like a freak in our society that places a lot of importance on what you look like

 

[Wantingpeace]

Sad because I really never wanted to end my life. I had a great life up to 4 mo ago. I never even imagined leaving the world ever. Now I feel I must or left feeling like a freak in our society that places a lot of importance on what you look like

Oh no Shay..I'm sorry

 

[Gengogakusha]

I feel sad that I want to ctb. I feel sad that I have so many mental illnesses. I know I have talents and I used to have such great passions and I could have had a rich fulfilling life. But no, I have emptiness and despair every day. That can be upsetting.

 

[Lunar]

I'm feeling a sense of calm and relief about it at the moment, but my mood can change a lot. I honestly haven't ever been a person that has had ideas growing up of what I wanted to be, not really ever had strong desires or passions for anything. I've just drifted through life like I don't belong here. I'm taking up oxygen by this point and I'm just a waste of space pretty much. I'm more sad for other people with how its driven them to this point and the suffering they've been enduring.

 

[Made4TV]

Yes, I'm really sad about it. Sad that I don't have other options. I told my psychiatrist today and he cried. He has worked so hard to help me for the last two years and I feel so sad for him too...and the people who love me. I know what it'll do to them and it devastates me.

 

[Candour]

I can totally relate, my conclusion is suicidal people don't actually want to die, they just don't want to continue living with the life we're dealt. So, death is the only viable option. It's still sad though.....it's only scary because its the unknown, that's my take on it anyway.

 

[wezel]

I feel sad about the fact that death is now preferable to life.
It's not right, but I can't fix it.

 

[samhelloall9]

Heck no! If you're sad (respectfully) you're doing it wrong ;)

 

[Paulsmith]

No. I'm happy to be ctb