Does anyone else feel like they "have it all" but still want to CTB?

[Ruinedlifex]

So here's my deal. I'm a 27 y/o female. I am healthy and physically fit. Most people would also find me quite conventionally attractive. I even used to model from age 18-25 and I made enough money during this time to give myself long-term financial stability. My mortgage is almost fully paid off, and money is not an issue in my life. I live in a mountain town, and go snowboarding in the winter, and my summers are spent hiking. Most people would probably look at my life from the outside and think I "have it all".


But on the inside, I am in agony. I am empty. My childhood was absolutely terrible and I was molested by my grandfather. I have no self esteem and have been depressed and angry for most of my life. I suffer from many mental illnesses that make having relationships difficult. My relationship with my own parents is virtually non-existent. I have been suicidal for awhile now, but the last few months have been especially terrible. I think about CTB on an almost daily basis, and the only thing stopping me is my fear of failure and my own terrified thoughts of actually going through with it.

I feel like most people would look at me and say "boo hoo, poor pretty girl with an easy life". And maybe they're right. Maybe I am a selfish piece of shit for wanting to CTB, but I'm past the point of caring anymore. This isn't a phase. I've remembered wanting to CTB as a young teen. My feelings from them haven't changed, I just suppressed them. I want this miserable existence to end. I want peace. I want to rest.

Can anyone else relate? :/
Thanks for reading. ❤

 

[FarAcrossTheWater]

I went to a top university (HYPMS) but was on a full ride scholarship. I grew up in the projects as the child of refugees so I am a huge inspiration to so many in my community. I have no debt and I am very young. I majored in a very lucrative major which I enjoyed. As an undergraduate, I published a peer-reviewed paper with one of the finest professors in my field. But I am not happy. I have been suicidally depressed almost all my life and I want to end it everyday. I had been hospitalized. I told my psychiatrist about this she told me to perk up because I went to HYPMS on a full ride scholarship. She told me I was just another entitled HYPMS person - that people will be so impressed with me having attended HYPMS. We played this fun exercise where for every reason I wanted to commit suicide she would invalidate it by saying I could still get a spouse and a job. Not an amazing spouse and a job but any spouse and a job. I think mental anguish for accomplished people is difficult in a different way. People invalidate you dictating you have so much so you can't be sad despite it being outside your control.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I think most people can relate in some way, maybe not to this extent but in some way.
Look at the high profile celeb suicides (Robin Williams, Chester Bennington etc), materially you could say these guys had it made.
Just because we have 'stuff' doesn't give us a monopoly on pain free living.
It sounds like similar to a lot of the good folk here you've suffered real trauma and this is going to impact how you feel. This doesn't make you bad or wrong or anything, you have the right to feel the way you do.
I've always maintained that crying in a ferrari beats crying in a dumpster, but it doesn't change the fact you're crying.
I'm really sorry to hear your story and the dark place it's brought you to, being upable to connect and form relationships, having been abused are really hard things to deal with and I wish I could shine some light for you and make things better.
Fear of failure and the SI is something that we all experience and can relate to.
I sincerely hope you can find some light and peace in your life friend, what ever path you decide to take, it sounds like there are no easy choices and whatever you choose will need you to be brave.

Love and respect my friend

DBD

 

[Ruinedlifex]

I think most people can relate in some way, maybe not to this extent but in some way.
Look at the high profile celeb suicides (Robin Williams, Chester Bennington etc), materially you could say these guys had it made.
Just because we have 'stuff' doesn't give us a monopoly on pain free living.
It sounds like similar to a lot of the good folk here you've suffered real trauma and this is going to impact how you feel. This doesn't make you bad or wrong or anything, you have the right to feel the way you do.
I've always maintained that crying in a ferrari beats crying in a dumpster, but it doesn't change the fact you're crying.
I'm really sorry to hear your story and the dark place it's brought you to, being upable to connect and form relationships, having been abused are really hard things to deal with and I wish I could shine some light for you and make things better.
Fear of failure and the SI is something that we all experience and can relate to.
I sincerely hope you can find some light and peace in your life friend, what ever path you decide to take, it sounds like there are no easy choices and whatever you choose will need you to be brave.

Love and respect my friend

DBD

I see people struggling hard with their health and finances in this pandemic, and it makes me feel so guilty for wanting to CTB when I have my health and no money troubles.

But you're right, money absolutely does not buy happiness. I remember how surprised I was by Chester's death. He had fame, fortunate, and a family. What more could you ask for? Very heartbreaking.

Thank you for the kind words. ❤

 

[Panna]

Yes I can relate, all of my siblings care for me, and my parents do as well. I have never had to have a job or get a license because they know well my stress and anxiety, (id probably drive the car into a tree to escape my stress if it got high enough). My little brother cares for me to where he has promised to take his life if I went anywhere since I am his best friend. My parents never pressure, my other brother wants me to just live on ssi and help him to buy a house for the two of us. I have all the games I could want and access to internet at all times. On all accounts I really have no right to complain but im so empty, I laugh, I spend time with them but every day ends with me feeling this emptyness that fills me with despair. At the end of the day I want to be reborn into a better life, and I keep telling myself itll get worse the longer I wait.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I personally think I have my perfect life. At the very least its attainable. Dream job, loving husband, good friends. And yet here I am trying to destroy it all. Idk why they don't just let me go already.

 

[Luchs]

So here's my deal. I'm a 27 y/o female. I am healthy and physically fit. Most people would also find me quite conventionally attractive. I even used to model from age 18-25 and I made enough money during this time to give myself long-term financial stability. My mortgage is almost fully paid off, and money is not an issue in my life. I live in a mountain town, and go snowboarding in the winter, and my summers are spent hiking. Most people would probably look at my life from the outside and think I "have it all".


But on the inside, I am in agony. I am empty. My childhood was absolutely terrible and I was molested by my grandfather. I have no self esteem and have been depressed and angry for most of my life. I suffer from many mental illnesses that make having relationships difficult. My relationship with my own parents is virtually non-existent. I have been suicidal for awhile now, but the last few months have been especially terrible. I think about CTB on an almost daily basis, and the only thing stopping me is my fear of failure and my own terrified thoughts of actually going through with it.

I feel like most people would look at me and say "boo hoo, poor pretty girl with an easy life". And maybe they're right. Maybe I am a selfish piece of shit for wanting to CTB, but I'm past the point of caring anymore. This isn't a phase. I've remembered wanting to CTB as a young teen. My feelings from them haven't changed, I just suppressed them. I want this miserable existence to end. I want peace. I want to rest.

Can anyone else relate? :/
Thanks for reading. ❤

White dude with great upbringing, lots of friends, and an amazing family here. I come from a rural middle class household in a wealthy European country and had a great childhood playing in nature with my friends. I had everything I could want. I'm decently attractive and not stupid, but I'm still miserable.

 

[roguetrader]

Yes, on paper you can have it all but it might not be enough for you. Most people I know say I live an easy life and am in the so called "1% of society" lifestyle wise but it really does not matter....

 

[Belaya Noch]

Does one need a specific reason to end their life? It is enough that there is no special reason to continue.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

Yeah. I always feel like me wanting to ctb isn't "valid" or that I'm just being ungrateful or something. I have a great supportive family, I'm engaged to a wonderful person who loves me, I have a good job that I like, but my mental illnesses are so debilitating that I just want it all to end. I wish someone else could have my life instead of me.

 

[End Game]

Thank you for sharing your story, it is difficult to discuss with anyone when according to the world you have it all. Add Kate Spade and Dolores O'Riordan to that list with Robin Williams, those hit me hard. Not quite the life you had, but I can sort of relate to you, have a college degree, beautiful home, and loving wife...but mental illness is kicking my ass. I had early trauma in life and also a lifelong struggle with gender dysphoria. There have been some good times, when the medication is clicking for me, but the lows lately are pretty low. I have been living pretty clean the last 15 years, don't even drink and eat pretty healthy, but still every day is a challenge. Wish it was something I could fix or overcome, mental health is so confusing.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

I'm at a similar place. Not had it all but mostly easy life. The main thing is CV19 disrupting my typical lifestyle . I cannot do the indoors and avoid people think. I do it because it's the right thing to do but it's driving me insane .

but I will CTB regardless of cv19 when I reach a certain age or when things become too dysfunctional in the society to continue.

 

[UselessMF]

Mental illness don't care about your life situation or how you look and how much money you have. It will hit you hard and everything you thought were your goals will become blurry in your full picture of life.

Mind games about "I should be happy with what I have while others have so much pain or problems" can even accentuate your mental health problems cause of the guilt feeling it creates. The reality is that nobody can understand others people mind and judging what they are facing.

I now have everything I wanted to have in my early 20's. Beautiful lovely wife, 2 kids that I love so much, my little homestead in a remote country road with no neighbors, succeeding at work... Everytime I reached one of those goals I thought it was my key to happiness... but NO, just complete darkness in my mind every single time and it's like more goals I'm reaching without being happy the more I'm feeling guilty to feel that way... and the more I'm getting near CTB time.

I feel there's more people than you think that are like you on this forum. Sending hugs.

 

[Final Escape]

So here's my deal. I'm a 27 y/o female. I am healthy and physically fit. Most people would also find me quite conventionally attractive. I even used to model from age 18-25 and I made enough money during this time to give myself long-term financial stability. My mortgage is almost fully paid off, and money is not an issue in my life. I live in a mountain town, and go snowboarding in the winter, and my summers are spent hiking. Most people would probably look at my life from the outside and think I "have it all".


But on the inside, I am in agony. I am empty. My childhood was absolutely terrible and I was molested by my grandfather. I have no self esteem and have been depressed and angry for most of my life. I suffer from many mental illnesses that make having relationships difficult. My relationship with my own parents is virtually non-existent. I have been suicidal for awhile now, but the last few months have been especially terrible. I think about CTB on an almost daily basis, and the only thing stopping me is my fear of failure and my own terrified thoughts of actually going through with it.

I feel like most people would look at me and say "boo hoo, poor pretty girl with an easy life". And maybe they're right. Maybe I am a selfish piece of shit for wanting to CTB, but I'm past the point of caring anymore. This isn't a phase. I've remembered wanting to CTB as a young teen. My feelings from them haven't changed, I just suppressed them. I want this miserable existence to end. I want peace. I want to rest.

Can anyone else relate? :/
Thanks for reading. ❤

I had same issues happen but it turned very bad for me. At least u made some wise decisions. There doesn't have to be any justification for why u want to exit. But emotional and attachment disorder can be very serious. I have borderline personality disorder and I just didn't have the time and money to try to recover from it. Maybe u could heal if u can afford it and find right kind of help. It really is too late in my case.