Does anyone else feel like their suicide is inevitable?

[doesntevenmatter]

I do, yes. I've felt like that for a long while. It's possible something else could take me out, but otherwise I do think eventually I will have the courage to go through with it. Ideally it would be nice to go out saving someone or something, but that's not realistic.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I wish it was.

 

[littlelungs]

Yes, I've always had the feeling that it's inevitable; that I'll take myself out before anything else even has the chance to do it for me. I think everyone who knows me also knows that, wayyy deep-down, even if they desperately don't want it to be true or would never actually admit to it.

 

[bear_trapped]

yep, either suicide or my physical illness will take me out. it's just a matter of time to see which one it is first

 

[flagmaster]

I believe it's inevitable. It's one of the better ways to go (if done correctly) and considering I work in a job where I see what happens when people live too long, I don't want that to happen to me. I don't enjoy being here, I'm exhausted. Resting in peace sounds like a good deal. I'm only living for others, but every day I become more gnawed at their selfishness. I never gave consent to be here and I feel so done with this experience. I am disconnected from everything and don't care about making any effort for others anymore. I'm here, and that's all they are getting, until I'm not. I am becoming more okay with the idea of ctb and the impact it will have on the people around me. It's not like they'll live forever either.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

Do I feel like my suicide is inevitable? I would say I am 98% sure I will ctb — someday, but just not soon. (I want to outlive my mother and complete and successfully publish my novel.) It would be quite surprising if I do not ctb.

Seems like a temporary reason to live. I can relate with having an illustration to complete, that and illustrations. Best of luck with that novel! What will it be about?

 

[NoSurprises]

that's me, I have had good days, even great days lately, with lots of love, a decent job and expectations

And yet im here looking for more information and new discoveries about the SN method because I have a bag of it in my house for a moment that I feel very close to me

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

Yeah. If psychiatry doesn't fix me, I will have to take matters into my own hands. I will sign up for euthanasia and otherwise take SN

 

[Maravillosa]

Seems like a temporary reason to live. I can relate with having an illustration to complete, that and illustrations. Best of luck with that novel! What will it be about?

I wrote about that recently: go to https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/when-do-you-think-youll-ctb.68500/page-3#post-1315533 for more info.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

I wrote about that recently: go to https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/when-do-you-think-youll-ctb.68500/page-3#post-1315533 for more info.

Seems like a bit of a pickle from the gist of it, but… this is interesting nonetheless…

 

[Maravillosa]

Seems like a bit of a pickle from the gist of it, but… this is interesting nonetheless…

How is it a "bit of a pickle"? I want my novel to be publishable. I know alternate history novels are between genres, but I have devoted three years of my life to this novel. I believe it has the potential to be good. Of course, I might be deluding myself, but I hope not

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

An old acquaintance once told me, "It's not a matter of if you'll commit suicide, but when." Soon after, this person began vanishing from my life. :)

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Do I feel like my suicide is inevitable? I would say I am 98% sure I will ctb — someday, but just not soon. (I want to outlive my mother and complete and successfully publish my novel.) It would be quite surprising if I do not ctb.

What's your book about? How will you go about publishing it?

 

[Maravillosa]

What's your book about? How will you go about publishing it?

I wrote about it recently at https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/when-do-you-think-youll-ctb.68500/page-3#post-1315533 and https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/when-do-you-think-youll-ctb.68500/page-4#post-1316211

Should I copy and paste those posts for you? Here they are (slightly adapted):

It is an alternate history novel set in the world of British politics from 1912 to 1948: the point of divergence from our historical timeline is in May 1915. A chain of events occurs in my novel so that the Great War ends in 1915 and there is no World War II. The protagonist is Venetia Stanley, a willful and impetuous aristocratic socialite (and actual historical figure).

I began writing it in June 2018 and completed the first draft of about 60,000 words in December 2019. I am currently rewriting, revising, and doing more research. When my manuscript is complete and ready to be sent to a literary agent, I want the manuscript to have between 80,000 and 90,000 words. I have applied to be a mentee for the Writer to Writer Mentorship Program sponsored by the Association of Writers and Writing Programs (AWP). I strive to take my writing seriously since I believe it is my only shot to leave a legacy strong enough for millions of people centuries from now to remember my name and life story. That is my fantasy: that people will still know about me and admire me in the year 2525 — if humanity still exists by then, of course I believe in an afterlife, although I suppose posthumous earthly fame will seem irrelevant if, God willing, I make it to Heaven.

Below is a 500-word, one-page synopsis of my novel:

In January 1912, Violet Asquith and Venetia Stanley, best friends and secret lesbian lovers, visit Sicily with Violet's father, British Prime Minister H. H. Asquith, and Edwin Montagu (a young Liberal MP and protégé of Asquith). Both Asquith and Edwin fall in love with Venetia. After they return to the UK, Asquith grooms Venetia towards a sexual relationship. Venetia is simultaneously flattered (she is pleased to have the most powerful man in the world infatuated with her) and repelled (Asquith is 35 years Venetia's senior). By July 1912, Asquith has begun an intimate affair with Venetia.

Venetia finds herself caught between Asquith, Edwin, and Violet. Edwin proposes marriage to Venetia: she declines since she does not love Edwin and because Edwin will lose his inheritance if he marries a Gentile. However, Venetia remains friends with Edwin, who still hopes he will eventually marry Venetia.

When war breaks out in August 1914, Asquith's letters to Venetia—already long and frequent—arrive at least daily. Besides proclamations of love, Asquith reveals state secrets to Venetia and asks for her political advice. Overwhelmed and frightened by Asquith's neediness, Venetia attempts to put a brake on her relationship with Asquith by training as a VAD nurse. When that does not deter Asquith, Venetia accepts Edwin's marriage proposal, even though she would have to convert to Judaism. However, Venetia holds off from telling Asquith about her engagement.

On the evening of May 4, 1915, Asquith discovers Venetia and Violet having sex. (This is the point of divergence from our historical timeline.) Asquith is horrified: he realizes too late that he seduced Venetia because he had suppressed his incestuous lust for Violet. In retaliation for Asquith's tantrum when he discovered Venetia was Violet's lover and Edwin's fiancée, Venetia impulsively gives to Lord Northcliffe, the anti-Asquith publisher of the Daily Mail, the letters Asquith wrote to her. Although Venetia almost immediately regrets it, Northcliffe publishes extensive extracts from Asquith's letters to Venetia. This sparks a scandal and Asquith is under pressure to resign because he violated the Official Secrets Act 1911. Instead, Asquith shoots himself.

Venetia's father, Lord Sheffield, forces Venetia, who is now lambasted as a femme fatale, to exile herself on the Stanley family estate on the Welsh island of Anglesey. Edwin jilts Venetia. Venetia becomes a philanthropist for the people of Anglesey. In 1939, Cicely Asquith, a (fictional) granddaughter of the late prime minister and Somerville student who is writing a history thesis on her grandfather's downfall, contacts Venetia. To avenge herself on the Asquith family, Venetia seduces Cicely, but soon Venetia becomes genuinely fond of her. Cicely, who becomes a diplomat and novelist, is torn between her deep Catholic faith (Cicely's mother had converted to Catholicism and raised her children in that church) and her lesbianism. In May 1947, Cicely throws herself from the Empire State Building. Shortly afterwards, Venetia discovers she is dying of breast cancer. Violet, who has become a prominent Liberal MP, reconciles with Venetia shortly before Venetia's death in August 1948.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

How is it a "bit of a pickle"? I want my novel to be publishable. I know alternate history novels are between genres, but I have devoted three years of my life to this novel. I believe it has the potential to be good. Of course, I might be deluding myself, but I hope not

What I meant to say is that Venetia has got herself into a pickle, being caught in a love square of some sort, between a guy who was infatuated with her (who later becomes her husband, her father, and her true lover. Though, I'm glad the synopsis didn't end horribly for the protagonist. I'll need to look deeper into this, with my difficulty with retaining information.

 

[Maravillosa]

What I meant to say is that Venetia has got herself into a pickle, being caught in a love square of some sort, between a guy who was infatuated with her (who later becomes her husband, her father, and her true lover. Though, I'm glad the synopsis didn't end horribly for the protagonist. I'll need to look deeper into this, with my difficulty with retaining information.

Ah yes. Venetia does get herself into a lot of trouble. I was inspired by a biography of Venetia Stanley (My Darling Mr. Asquith by Stefan Buczacki) that stated that the love of Venetia's life was Violet Asquith (best known to history by her married name, Lady Violet Bonham Carter — yes, she was the grandmother of Helena Bonham Carter). Although there is no proof whether Venetia and Violet consummated their intimate friendship, I decided that for the sake of writing alternate history, I would do so. I decided Asquith would also have a sexual relationship of sorts with Venetia (mutual masturbation and oral sex: no penetrative sex): Asquith strikes me as the sort of man who would make lawyerly distinctions about the meaning of sexual relations à la Bill Clinton. (Asquith had been a successful barrister.) And poor Edwin Montagu! He strikes me as being an honest man who was too good for Venetia

For more information about the historical Venetia Stanley, I recommend (besides https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venetia_Stanley_(1887–1948) and https://spartacus-educational.com/Venetia_Stanley.htm) this review of My Darling Mr. Asquith from the London Review of Books:

Bee Wilson · A Little Talk in Downing St · LRB 17 November 2016

To read the Asquith-Venetia letters – or at least the ones available in print – is to see that Asquith was a weird...

www.lrb.co.uk

But I am afraid that we are going far beyond the topic of this thread, so if you want to discuss any more about Venetia or my novel with me, perhaps you should send me a DM. Thanks

 

[Lost Magic]

I can't wait to go to sleep and never wake up again. I am actively planning it and hope to be gone this year.

 

[Winklemate]

Yeah, it's inevitable. I decided ages ago that suicide was the only way my story was going to end, and I've been kind of writing the rest of my life with that information in mind. Basically, I'm a self-fulling prophecy but I'm cool with that. Makes it sounds grand.

 

[Maravillosa]

Yeah, it's inevitable. I decided ages ago that suicide was the only way my story was going to end, and I've been kind of writing the rest of my life with that information in mind. Basically, I'm a self-fulling prophecy but I'm cool with that. Makes it sounds grand.

Yes, doesn't it sound grand? I think of my life as a melodrama. I hope my biographers (there will be at least one, I hope!) will want to solve the enigma of my life and death — or at least try to. I know it sounds silly, but I imagine myself in the afterlife, avidly interested in what others who never knew me think of me. (Of course, if I make it to Heaven, I am told that mere earthly posthumous fame will seem irrelevant to me, but I think I would still be interested about it, nevertheless )

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Given that my quality of life just took a massive drop and that it's unrealistic I will ever return to my previous existence only six months ago, which wasn't even that spectacular, I have nothing positive to look forward to… I'm not mentally ill other then mildly depressive And I'm not an addict so I really don't have any excuse… Other than I'm a serial fuck up… 40 more years of this? No thank you…