Looking back I don't think I've ever thought about suicide. I was a very sheltered super weird, but happy kid. My mom and dad spent a lot of time working and I feel like their trauma made it impossible to raise me properly. As I entered elementary school I started spending majority of my time alone daydreaming, laying on the ground and staring at the sealing, laying inside the bucket meant for dirty clothes etc... It was clear that something was wrong with me (maybe depression idk...).
I think later on in elementary school I fell quite behind in terms of social development (or maybe my sky high anxiety just completely shut down my brain). The only thing I knew how to do is put on a persona or mimic the personalities of other peers in order to fit in. Later that transformed into a class clown. I figured if people laughed at me that was good even though they weren't laughing at my "jokes", but at me and how weird I was. Computer screen gave me all the happiness I needed. Just staring alone at a phone, computer or TV screen zoning out gave me reprieve from life troubles, responsibilities and my own mind.
This went on for years and screens became my life. I remember being completely absorbed by it for 8-12 hours per day. Was an A student, but after the addiction started, grades fell and I slowly started getting disconnected from reality, family, hygiene, friends, school and the human experience. Nobody really took me out of my isolation/screen addiction. I was warned and my parents put on a timer, but I always found a way around it, so I maintained this lifestyle for around a decade if not more, practically growing up in digital environment and American culture.
The amount of mental anguish that I went through was insane, but my mind was attached to the shiny screen and there is nothing I could do. I needed an outside parent force to pull me out of it forcefully and point me in the right direction. Something should've seriously done way back then, but now it is too late... My mind is broken beyond repair.
Recently something clicked in my brain and I realized that without a screen I'm a void. Nothing is under there, no identity or personality, just a hollow human being with years of disconnection from reality and our countries culture. My brain development got stuck in 5th grade and since then it got hijacked by screens. I finally realized that I'm fucked, so CTB is the only way out of here before my mind blows up all of that repressed stuff and I lose it. I think I'm a very unique case, so I don't expect anyone to relate to me here.
I think that if a solid parent figure was there and pulled me out I probably would've become someone truly great since I was recognized early on as an extremely smart cookie. Instead of being on this forum right now I could've completed college, gone through normal social development, have a tight friend group and a life worth living. That's what hurts the most. I have none of that now.
