Does anyone else feel like CTB is there only way out of a bad situation?

[mrtime87]

As the title asks, anyone else feel like CTB is their only way out of a hopeless situation.

For me, I made some bad decisions on my 20s that have led me to a life of hardship and destitution with deteriorating health.

I'm now 38 and sleeping on the floor in my mother's hoarder house with cats.

What kills is knowing this is all my fault but as winter approaches I have no where to go.

My mom is getting her own apartment and without that last life support I have nothing, not even the local homeless shelter.

Frostbite scares me and does hypothermia, but there is no way to improve my situation due to my health.

I cannot sit and be complacent anymore but without a gun I don't know how to kill myself.

I hace no car and survive on a disability check. There truly is nothing to look for are to on my life other than worsening pain and misery, and if I survive this winter, have to go thru the same process over and over.


I wish I wasn't born and now that I can't kill myself don't know what to do. I can barely go out in public and show my face and it's all because I fucked up 17 years ago.

No motivational speech will help and I can't even change my behavior or improve my situation.

It's like waiting to die in a plane crash knowing theres nothing I can do to die mor peacefully or painlessly.

I keep thinking about a gun but have a felony in Ohio. I tried argon but that blew up in my face. I was devastated the plan failed because i was sure it would be painless and the quick.

All I have left are kitchen knif s and rope to hang myself with no whr to do it and no will to do so as well.

I hate my life and who I am as a person but even religion cant help.

My life literally was a laying on a mattress pad on the floor and going to doctors visits. Once in a while I'll play a game on my phone, but that's it l, and winter comes in 3 months.

I don't want to die but I don't want to live, and if I am going to die, don't want it to be outside in the cold.

Why does the government make it so hard to obtain something like nembutal which could be peaceful, and instead force us to take drastic action like shooting ourselves?

And all thie because I refused to get medical help in my 20s. This truly is all my fault.

:(

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

I'm hoping strength for you and that resolution arrives for your hardships. I can relate to feeling that CTB is the only way out. I attempted a couple months ago, I live alone and cut myself off from everyone in my life. In my mind, it felt like continuing to live and trying to better my situation was a constant mistake. "When was I going to learn and realize that being alive just might be a mistake for me?" I thought along those lines. I planned and deliberated on it for a month before the attempt, but have a long history of ideation and mental health hospitalizations in my 30 years of being alive.

Coming away from the attempt, I won't say that I'm optimistic or hopeful or "recovered." But I'm trying to not be alone, I'm a new member here and this feels like a good space to listen and learn from what other people are experiencing in their lives.

I was homeless about 5 years ago. It happened very abruptly in a place completely unfamiliar to me. When I realized that was going to be my situation, I reached out to the local homeless shelters and they were able to help me. Even when one place was full, they would reach out to other shelters and service workers to see what help they could find as an alternative.

You mentioned the local homeless shelter might not be able to help, but would anyone there be connected to other resources that may be able to help with housing, maybe even providing means of transportation to get there?

Wishing you well and all the best, this community is here for you.

 

[mrtime87]

I'm hoping strength for you and that resolution arrives for your hardships. I can relate to feeling that CTB is the only way out. I attempted a couple months ago, I live alone and cut myself off from everyone in my life. In my mind, it felt like continuing to live and trying to better my situation was a constant mistake. "When was I going to learn and realize that being alive just might be a mistake for me?" I thought along those lines. I planned and deliberated on it for a month before the attempt, but have a long history of ideation and mental health hospitalizations in my 30 years of being alive.

Coming away from the attempt, I won't say that I'm optimistic or hopeful or "recovered." But I'm trying to not be alone, I'm a new member here and this feels like a good space to listen and learn from what other people are experiencing in their lives.

I was homeless about 5 years ago. It happened very abruptly in a place completely unfamiliar to me. When I realized that was going to be my situation, I reached out to the local homeless shelters and they were able to help me. Even when one place was full, they would reach out to other shelters and service workers to see what help they could find as an alternative.

You mentioned the local homeless shelter might not be able to help, but would anyone there be connected to other resources that may be able to help with housing, maybe even providing means of transportation to get there?

Wishing you well and all the best, this community is here for you.

It's not the shelter but more my health getting me kicked out.

I neglected getting help in my 20s because I honestly thought I would be fine, and like an idiot never saw a dentist or doctor. I honestly had that bad of a superiority complex, that I didn't need to see a doctor because I'll never get sick.

Last winter I developed a rash that the shelter thought was scabies and I had to leave. My health has gotten worse since then and I know I won't be able to stay.

It's pretty dire but like I said it's all my fault. I have a personality disorder that causes me to think I'll never get sick or need help. This sounds bad, but I was honestly that dumb of a human. I really am that stupid.

My mother ate to stay positive but doesn't understand the feeling that my health wont get better, but just worse and worse.

Knowing I'll die won't even help because of how bad death can be.

I've slept on sidewalks in California and in grass in Ohio, in rain and even slight snow. I was psychotic during these periods and honestly that is my fault as well.

I truly believe I am a defect, someone who could have had a good life if I just listened to people. Grandiosity sucks but I struggle with not being right all the time, and then feel dumb when I'm wrong.

I lay on the floor and just think about how I am so stupid. My life is ruined because of this and like I said it's just the waiting for a plane to crash knowing I cant change my circumstances. I know we can't the past, but sometimes we can't change the future either.

I just wish I hadn't been so dumb.

 

[brokeandbroken]

As the title asks, anyone else feel like CTB is their only way out of a hopeless situation.

For me, I made some bad decisions on my 20s that have led me to a life of hardship and destitution with deteriorating health.

I'm now 38 and sleeping on the floor in my mother's hoarder house with cats.

What kills is knowing this is all my fault but as winter approaches I have no where to go.

My mom is getting her own apartment and without that last life support I have nothing, not even the local homeless shelter.

Frostbite scares me and does hypothermia, but there is no way to improve my situation due to my health.

I cannot sit and be complacent anymore but without a gun I don't know how to kill myself.

I hace no car and survive on a disability check. There truly is nothing to look for are to on my life other than worsening pain and misery, and if I survive this winter, have to go thru the same process over and over.


I wish I wasn't born and now that I can't kill myself don't know what to do. I can barely go out in public and show my face and it's all because I fucked up 17 years ago.

No motivational speech will help and I can't even change my behavior or improve my situation.

It's like waiting to die in a plane crash knowing theres nothing I can do to die mor peacefully or painlessly.

I keep thinking about a gun but have a felony in Ohio. I tried argon but that blew up in my face. I was devastated the plan failed because i was sure it would be painless and the quick.

All I have left are kitchen knif s and rope to hang myself with no whr to do it and no will to do so as well.

I hate my life and who I am as a person but even religion cant help.

My life literally was a laying on a mattress pad on the floor and going to doctors visits. Once in a while I'll play a game on my phone, but that's it l, and winter comes in 3 months.

I don't want to die but I don't want to live, and if I am going to die, don't want it to be outside in the cold.

Why does the government make it so hard to obtain something like nembutal which could be peaceful, and instead force us to take drastic action like shooting ourselves?

And all thie because I refused to get medical help in my 20s. This truly is all my fault.

:(

I know a little how you feel. I have shared my story but will share it hear at least in part.

I worked hard made good choices in my adult life... Worked, went to college, then medical school, etc.... I've never even had a speeding or parking ticket. I was president of the oncology research group, interned in oncology and family practice, etc... I was ultimately the victim of crimes by the medical school that forced me out in my fourth year. I summarily lost literally everything. My future budding career which was on track to be oncology, my family more or less disowned and abandoned me, my things, my health, the insane financial investment 160k+USD, future career, etc.... You name it I lost it basically. And it wasn't my fault. People's (lawyer's) reactions are essentially wow that sucks sounds terrible sounds like a crime to me but I don't want to help you. Imagine being a victim and having no one give a single fuck. Family, friends, lawyers, your own (US) government because you don't fit their preferred demographic..... Having years of brutally hard worked ripped away. I've been completely and utterly broke. I am basically homeless staying in a shitty board and lodge miles from any sort of normality in gang territory as a nerdy white kid with a bunch of criminals. Yeah I get it man. As time goes CTBing is definitely an option for me to my end my pain and find peace. I hope you find peace as well.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Sucks about the felony. Your life seems pretty shit, I'm sorry you have to live like this. Will your mother not continue to let you live in her home?

 

[mrtime87]

Sucks about the felony. Your life seems pretty shit, I'm sorry you have to live like this. Will your mother not continue to let you live in her home?

She's getting an apartment for seniors. Right now we live in a trailer park.

 

[uglyugly]

Yes. That's exactly why I am here. I have exhausted every option I have to improve my life and situation. I'd rather ctb than be homeless, which is where I am headed slowly but surely. I am not judging anyone who has been or is homeless, of course, but at my age I cant sleep outside in the winter in my state. Not going to happen.

 

[gonegal95]

I don't want to die but I don't want to live, and if I am going to die, don't want it to be outside in the cold.

Why does the government make it so hard to obtain something like nembutal which could be peaceful, and instead force us to take drastic action like shooting ourselves?

And all thie because I refused to get medical help in my 20s. This truly is all my fault.

:(

Feel this. If it makes you feel any better, I am of similar age, I spent my 20s making the right choices, I built multiple careers and made healthy choices. Yet.. I am still in a similar predicament — disabled, not independent with no support, destined for homelessness very soon. Nowhere to turn but abusive familys home. No car. Can't afford one. Past 4 years have been misery with no way out. I only had about 3 years of semi-happiness in my life. I have been suicidal for over half my lifespan. Mistakes are subjective. What were conventionally the best choices, were the worst choices for me. I wish there were more support for people like us. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am planning to CTB too. I hope you find peace.

 

[IBM0000]

Fucking....It sucks to know that shit so simple can be a factor in our most personal and exclusive life choices such as ctb'ing. Political shit such as homelessness and disability aid shouldn't be a reason. Nor should any material reason be. I hope at least you guys find hope of improving it. If not, I wouldn't be surprised but my heart will ache for you all. That's all I can do, alone.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

As the title asks, anyone else feel like CTB is their only way out of a hopeless situation.

I totally agree with that. Contemplating CTB in such a case is fully valid. That's one thing the other thing is to defeat SI.

I'm sorry you made wrong decisions so long ago and they're still haunting you. I can relate somehow but in my case, I believe, that only luck left me, and the outcome could have been different.

 

[kyhoti]

Yep, it's my only option now, unless I want a drawn out, painful descent. It sucks.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

It was always the end thats destined for me. I could never imagine becoming old and just accepting this horrendous reality called life. I'm 22 now and already feel so fucking tired of everything. I never worked and I barely even have any energy left for gaming.