Does anyone else feel in a rush to ctb? Especially whenever the chance arises?

[dead lightbulb]

I always feel in a rush to ctb because I have so many assignments I haven't turned in, so many people I want to avoid, etc. I want to put an end to this weekly cycle of hell.

Every weekend since I quit my job, I've tried to scrap together the courage to ctb. When no one's home. I never have anywhere to be. There's nothing stopping me physically. But every weekend without fail I never do it because of my SI. It's become another routine.

Sorry if none of this is comprehensible, I'm not in the best state mentally.

 

[Teddybear]

Haste makes waste and for me ctb isn't about courage, just the opposite. If I still had the guts I'd take life head on as I used to when I was younger.

I am old and beat and giving up on (my) life. So skipping death for one more week isn't about being a coward, its just sheer laziness on my part.
My mind is f*cked up all the time, minute by minute throughout the day. But I will never permit for *anyone* to pressure me to croak or not to. Least of all that loser who looks me in the eye each time I go and stand in front of the bathroom mirror.

This is my last free decision to make, I got little else left to decide that is of any importance. And I'll be damned before I allow myself to get rushed this way or that on it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No, not really. I'm executing my plan to get my affairs in order first, and as soon as I'm satisfied that they are, at least as well as I can get them in order, I will go. Hopefully, by late Spring, or early Summer 2023.

 

[actual_fox]

Yes. I had a friend asking me to go to shooting range. And I said no because I am afraid I would shoot myself.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I think I have been feeling a similar way.

There are times when I am in a very bad mental place, and I am convinced that I no longer want my life, but then my mind goes back to being 'neutral depressed' (if that makes sense) and I begin thinking that my thoughts were really impulsive due to my bad mental state. I recently ordered SN. Admittedly, part of me feels that it was an impulsive decision, but part of me remembers that when in a really bad place, I have spent a lot of time searching for news articles about people my age committing suicide, reading accounts here of SN usage, or ruminating on the parts of my life that I do not like. When in a bad mental place, it is difficult to discern impulsive thoughts and desires from planned, deliberate ones. The SN hasn't arrived, but I don't really know how to feel about the fact that I have bought it.

At the time, I was in a really deep mental hole, but I have spent so much time reading and researching suicide, so doesn't that make it a planned decision and not an impulsive one? Either way I am a little scared that once I have it, I will once again fall into that deep mental hole, and impulsively take the SN.

I think you should keep in mind somehow, the fact that there is no rush. You can pretty much do it whenever you want. Right now you are in a mental hole, and your decision making is – possibly – clouded by this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, it's more that I feel desperate to do it in response to everything I don't want to do- find a new job, do that job, get all the stuff fixed in the house that's broken, fill in my tax return, plus all the day to day shit. Still, I feel like I can't do it till my Dad goes first. I'm probably kidding myself that I'll find it 'easy' to do after that. Till then, reckon I'll be like a zombie plodding through life.

 

[Wait-Bus]

I always feel in a rush to ctb because I have so many assignments I haven't turned in, so many people I want to avoid, etc. I want to put an end to this weekly cycle of hell.

Every weekend since I quit my job, I've tried to scrap together the courage to ctb. When no one's home. I never have anywhere to be. There's nothing stopping me physically. But every weekend without fail I never do it because of my SI. It's become another routine.

Sorry if none of this is comprehensible, I'm not in the best state mentally.

I get strong urges to CTB on a regular basis.

I did try to kill myself when I was a teenager - by hanging - but the cloth noose broke after I passed out and I found myself on the floor.

But before that, I can remember laying in my bed, and overcome with this massive urgency to hang myself. I felt like a powerful force inside me was yelling at me to "do it" I literally ran to my chosen spot and was hanging a minute later.

I expect when I do my final exit - it will be much the same - but better with nooses.

 

[rpxrpl]

I always feel in a rush to ctb because I have so many assignments I haven't turned in, so many people I want to avoid, etc. I want to put an end to this weekly cycle of hell.

Every weekend since I quit my job, I've tried to scrap together the courage to ctb. When no one's home. I never have anywhere to be. There's nothing stopping me physically. But every weekend without fail I never do it because of my SI. It's become another routine.

Sorry if none of this is comprehensible, I'm not in the best state mentally.

I relate this so much. Yup. Due dates approaching? Something coming up? Better CTB to get out of them before shit hits the fan.