Does anyone else feel already dead?

[sserafim]

I feel like I'm already dead. It's like I'm living in purgatory until I ctb. I'm a hiki so I stay home all day and do nothing lol. I think I'm dead inside. My mom said I need to go outside and interact with society, but personally I see no reason to do so. I see nothing to gain by doing that. I hate society and other people. I enjoy my state of isolation from other people and the outside world. She said that I would grow dumber and lose my intellectual capacity by staying home all day. Is this true?

 

[groucho]

More like I'm going through the motions. Even going abroad I just feel like I'm visiting the same "type" of city just with languages I don't understand. At some point you see, hear, and experience most accessible things, maybe with money you can get some more interesting experiences but on the whole they are just slight variations of something else you've already experienced. I don't think humans have evolved to really live much past 40, you honestly can experience 90% of what life has to offer in that time.

 

[Valso]

I'm dead on the inside, if that's what you're asking. 4-5 years ago when I still had a little hope for my life, I used to make music on the computer and write stories with happy end (not the dirty sense of happy end). Not anymore. I stopped making any music, I still write stories sometimes, though not as often as before and they're all dark and sad where someone always dies or if they don't die, they suffer for the rest of their lives. In fact, I just had an idea for a new story like that which will make the tv show "Black Mirror" look like a lullaby. Knowing myself and my way of writing, it will probably turn into a small novel (from 15 to 100+ pages A4) but whatever. Fun fact is that the most of these dark stories I dreamt them as nightmares which gave me the start and I simply built upon them to make them even worse.
Nowadays the only living things I have genuine feelings for are cats. But if it's a human, I don't care. Unless the human is female and her legs are open...

 

[tbroken]

Not already dead, but i don't fear death.

 

[4am]

i feel like i've died years ago and now i'm just withering away

 

[DeletedUser]

Do you feel like you are rotting too?

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

I feel like I'm supposed to be

 

[sserafim]

I feel like I'm supposed to be

Same. I feel like I was supposed to die a long time ago and that I'm just living on borrowed time. I think that I've honestly lived too long

 

[lnlybnny]

i'm hiki too and i feel dead as well, i don't want anything to do with anyone around me. my parents are pressuring me to do something abt it and this is one of the main reasons for me to ctb

 

[greebo6]

I do.

 

[sserafim]

i'm hiki too and i feel dead as well, i don't want anything to do with anyone around me. my parents are pressuring me to do something abt it and this is one of the main reasons for me to ctb

Same. My parents are pressuring me to get a job and become independent, but I don't want this. I don't want to have to support myself or participate in society. It's my primary motivation to ctb. I feel like my time is running out soon, and that I'll eventually be in for a rude awakening. I'd rather ctb to escape and prevent this.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wish I was dead on the inside but the truth is there are still sparks of life in this bitter blackened soul of mine that refuse to go out no matter how dangerous they may be. Before I had my job I still found enjoyment in binging shows, socializing with friends online, and playing games so there are still ways to engage with the world while being inside.

 

[Downdraft]

Same. My parents are pressuring me to get a job and become independent, but I don't want this. I don't want to have to support myself. It's my primary motivation to ctb. I feel like my time is running out soon, and that I'll eventually have a hard awakening. I'd rather ctb to escape and prevent this.

Can I ask why? My parents were a big factor on my bad mental health, moving out helped enormously. It seems yours are making you suicidal, do you think distancing would help? Of course, all experiences are different, and all choices are personal.

 

[sserafim]

Can I ask why? My parents were a big factor on my bad mental health, moving out helped enormously. It seems yours are making you suicidal, do you think distancing would help? Of course, all experiences are different, and all choices are personal.

I honestly don't know. I guess I'm scared of independence and being independent. I don't want to have to work for a living. I feel like my freedom would be taken away. Honestly, I still feel like a kid. I'm scared of adulthood and having to be a real adult. I didn't even think that I would live to 18, I always thought that I would've died before then. I wish I could be a kid again, that's my biggest dream and wish. I don't want to have to adult. I'm scared of the real world.

 

[BlazingBob]

Yes, I feel dead. I basically am dead physically, being confined to bed over 20 hours a day and watching the world go by as I rot. My career is dead, any potential love life, any hope is all dead. Pets are the only thing holding me back from my act of self deliverance.

 

[PetrichorBirth]

I honestly don't know. I guess I'm scared of independence and being independent. I don't want to have to work for a living. I feel like my freedom would be taken away. Honestly, I still feel like a kid. I'm scared of adulthood and having to be a real adult. I didn't even think that I would live to 18, I always thought that I would've died before then. I wish I could be a kid again, that's my biggest dream and wish. I don't want to have to adult.

Autistic burnout can be tough stuff. Hope that you'll get peace, or experience independence and decide that it's alright after all

 

[bonecollector]

Yes, I feel dead. I basically am dead physically, being confined to bed over 20 hours a day and watching the world go by as I rot. My career is dead, any potential love life, any hope is all dead. Pets are the only thing holding me back from my act of self deliverance.

i really really relate. i feel so dead inside, the only solace i have left is imagining being able to time travel to back when i was a kid and fix everything that has made my life so pointless now. i got pulled out of school when i was 8 and now am supposed to find a way to go to college and become independent as an adult when i have nothing left. its awful. im glad you have your pets.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

No. If I'm feeling anything then that means I'm very much alive.

 

[druggedonsurvival]

I do feel dead inside. I have a job, I go outside and I occasionally interact with people but I get nothing from it because I understand too well that I'm just pretending to be okay, to be normal, to be a human being. Generally I avoid interaction because I hate having to fake being normal. I like having interactions with other people if it seems like a genuine one, but that doesn't happen often. Certainly it feels like I should have died years ago when I was still a teenager, like the grim reaper has been continuously procrastinating on my death.

Also, I will say that if you actually hate going outside and talking to people, there's nothing wrong with that. There's no way you'd get dumber by not talking to people - plenty of things to keep the mind intellectually stimulated on the internet, if that's what you're looking for.

 

[RemainingDubious]

I feel like I'm already dead. It's like I'm living in purgatory until I ctb.

i feel like that too.

I stay home all day and do nothing.

i do that too.

I think I'm dead inside.

i feel like that.

go outside and interact with society, but personally I see no reason to do so. I see nothing to gain by doing that. I hate society and other people.

i understand that too. i only go out when it's absolutely necessary.

She said that I would grow dumber and lose my intellectual capacity by staying home all day. Is this true?

She sounds much more intelligent than me, so i personally wouldn't rule it out. i think the only reason i would doubt it in your position, would be because she's your mother and wants you to have what she'll see as a "life."

 

[walkingdead2023]

I feel I'm dead already! It's like I have no life inside of me literally working like a robot. I lost interest in everything in life

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Same. I feel like I was supposed to die a long time ago and that I'm just living on borrowed time. I think that I've honestly lived too long

This is exactly how I've felt since I was 19. I even used to have this vision in my head of a progress bar that had hit 100% and was now flashing a message in bright red letters: "Program complete, please terminate. Program complete, please terminate. Program complete...."

Sylvia Plath also put it well in The Bell Jar:

I saw the years of my life spaced along a road in the form of telephone poles, threaded together by wires. I counted one, two, three...nineteen telephone poles, and then the wires dangled into space, and try as I would, I couldn't see a single pole beyond the nineteenth.

 

[Valso]

I'm dead on the inside, if that's what you're asking. 4-5 years ago when I still had a little hope for my life, I used to make music on the computer and write stories with happy end (not the dirty sense of happy end). Not anymore. I stopped making any music, I still write stories sometimes, though not as often as before and they're all dark and sad where someone always dies or if they don't die, they suffer for the rest of their lives. In fact, I just had an idea for a new story like that which will make the tv show "Black Mirror" look like a lullaby. Knowing myself and my way of writing, it will probably turn into a small novel (from 15 to 100+ pages A4) but whatever. Fun fact is that the most of these dark stories I dreamt them as nightmares which gave me the start and I simply built upon them to make them even worse.
Nowadays the only living things I have genuine feelings for are cats. But if it's a human, I don't care. Unless the human is female and her legs are open...

I wrote and finished the story mentioned in the quoted post. If you wanna read it, it's my latest post in the topic "Share your art".

 

[_Broken_alice]

"Clinically alive, but dead inside."

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

She said that I would grow dumber and lose my intellectual capacity by staying home all day. Is this true?

you are staying mentally active at least. your physical state may become an issue. especially if you don't meet your target date. muscles entropy quickly and it's hard to rehabilitate. especially when you don't see any point of doing so.

i don't necessarily feel mentally dead yet. physically i may as well be.

on a side note, did i say something to offend you the other day?

 

[Malaria]

No. I wish I did though. I feel emotions too intensely, it'd be nice to feel nothing like that.

 

[groucho]

I feel like I'm already dead. It's like I'm living in purgatory until I ctb. I'm a hiki so I stay home all day and do nothing lol. I think I'm dead inside. My mom said I need to go outside and interact with society, but personally I see no reason to do so. I see nothing to gain by doing that. I hate society and other people. I enjoy my state of isolation from other people and the outside world. She said that I would grow dumber and lose my intellectual capacity by staying home all day. Is this true?

Are you Japanese? Or has hikikomori passed into the english lexicon?

 

[sserafim]

Are you Japanese? Or has hikikomori passed into the english lexicon?

I'm not Japanese but I'm Asian lol. Hikikomori is frequently used on this forum. Sometimes I also say NEET or shut-in.

i feel like that too.


i do that too.

i feel like that.


i understand that too. i only go out when it's absolutely necessary.


She sounds much more intelligent than me, so i personally wouldn't rule it out. i think the only reason i would doubt it in your position, would be because she's your mother and wants you to have what she'll see as a "life."

Yeah I guess. She always says things like "this is no life." How long do you think this can last?" "You have to be productive." "Do something with your life." I guess she's mad at me for failing to launch into the real world after college, but frankly, I never even wanted to anyways.

 

[divinemistress36]

I go from feeling dead inside to feeling to many emotions

 

[sserafim]

This is exactly how I've felt since I was 19. I even used to have this vision in my head of a progress bar that had hit 100% and was now flashing a message in bright red letters: "Program complete, please terminate. Program complete, please terminate. Program complete...."

Sylvia Plath also put it well in The Bell Jar:

I saw the years of my life spaced along a road in the form of telephone poles, threaded together by wires. I counted one, two, three...nineteen telephone poles, and then the wires dangled into space, and try as I would, I couldn't see a single pole beyond the nineteenth.

For me, I couldn't see a single pole beyond the eighteenth.

I go from feeling dead inside to feeling to many emotions

I guess I feel empty inside, but I also feel dead as in I'm not really or truly living. It honestly feels like I died already and am living in some kind of purgatory. I really think that I was meant to die a long time ago.