Discussion Does anyone else constantly fantasise about dying?

[livefastdieyoung]

I've always been extremely suicidal, and at my lowest I would think about blowing my head off. I would vividly imagine the surroundings and how it would look and feel.

Recently, I had two terrible breakdowns in the past few weeks and I came very close to running in front of car. As in literally standing on the edge at one point and getting scared because it turned out to be a bus I think, and another time I was in the middle of the road and a big car drove past and I just didn't decide to go infront of it.

Now, everytime I see a car I think about jumping infront of it, and how it would feel. I see big cars or trucks or buses and I think "wow that would fuck me up". I also have started to look at tall buildings and visualise a body falling off, imagining the speed, the sound of impact, stuff like that. I also constantly think about an accident happening whenever I'm in a car.

Idk I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else just vivdly fantasises about dying, and imagining the feeling and aftermath. Sometimes when I'm standing right on the edge of a busy road, I get such a rush thinking "one step and I'll be hit".

What do you guys think?

 

[Eternal Disaster]

I imagine having a gun and blowing up my head.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Yes. Several times a day. When I'm out, in the back of my mind I'm constantly looking for opportunities, especially for "accidents". A few days ago I heard about someone who went to the doctor for pain, found out they had advanced cancer and were dead in 3 months. I was jealous.

 

[livefastdieyoung]

Yes. Several times a day. When I'm out, in the back of my mind I'm constantly looking for opportunities, especially for "accidents". A few days ago I heard about someone who went to the doctor for pain, found out they had advanced cancer and were dead in 3 months. I was jealous.

God, I know it's terrible to think things like this. But I used to wish I had cancer so bad so that people would finally care about me. My parents would actually just show me love for once and not hurt me.

I remember I once ran away and they called the cops on me and the cop said "its late and dark bad things can happen to you" because im a young girl, and i said "i wish they did so someone would care", and this dickhead told me "are you crazy? do you wanna be locked up?" like no dude I am just in so much pain that I wish something could happen so anyone gave a single fuck.

 

[dead dav]

Yes I fantasise about different ways of dying either by my own hands or someone else my favourite is I get shot 3 bullets 2 in my chest and one in my head quick efficient

 

[StoneCellaiver]

I think everyone within the forum would fantasize or think about it from time to time, maybe not if they have aphantasia.

Now, everytime I see a car I think about jumping infront of it, and how it would feel. I see big cars or trucks or buses and I think "wow that would fuck me up". I also have started to look at tall buildings and visualise a body falling off, imagining the speed, the sound of impact, stuff like that. I also constantly think about an accident happening whenever I'm in a car.

I imagine tourist buses are the quickest with these, since they're sometimes inexperienced, gory as well. Haven't really imagined dying at the heat of the moment though

 

[livefastdieyoung]

I think everyone within the forum would fantasize or think about it from time to time, maybe not if they have aphantasia.

I imagine tourist buses are the quickest with these, since they're sometimes inexperienced, gory as well. Haven't really imagined dying at the heat of the moment though

I think a semi truck or a train is definitely the best, I've seen gore videos and the chances of survival cannot be higher than 0.1% if any

 

[StoneCellaiver]

I think a semi truck or a train is definitely the best, I've seen gore videos and the chances of survival cannot be higher than 0.1% if any

Could be even lower at night I think, but I think trains are much worse now with more people being aware of it - I'd guess there's a reason truck - kun is a bit of a meme

 

[EmptyBottle]

I sometimes think, what if I took the (imaginary, for me) SN sometimes... and even daydreamed of cyanide and sodium azide mixes (cyanide acts fast, sodium azide is irreversible afaik, as of 2025)

When conditions drop for a bit, those thoughts pop up. When watching some talk show about the horrors of relationships, I've found myself thinking, what if the people on stage chose to take a few grams of toxic powder (sodium azide and cyanide) as a "solution".

 

[QuincyME]

I think a semi truck or a train is definitely the best, I've seen gore videos and the chances of survival cannot be higher than 0.1% if any

I was at the medical examiner's office in Chicago for work way back in the day and one of the autopsy suites had the remains of a woman who had thrown herself on the elevated train tracks just before a train came through. She was from Milwaukee and drove all the way into Chicago to CTB. I believe she was suffering from postpartum depression. She was a hot mess. They had to suck a lot of her off the tracks with a shop vac. Most people who've never experienced depression don't have the slightest idea what a powerful force it is.

 

[divinemistress87]

It's mostly all I think about

 

[QuincyME]

I've always been extremely suicidal, and at my lowest I would think about blowing my head off. I would vividly imagine the surroundings and how it would look and feel.

Recently, I had two terrible breakdowns in the past few weeks and I came very close to running in front of car. As in literally standing on the edge at one point and getting scared because it turned out to be a bus I think, and another time I was in the middle of the road and a big car drove past and I just didn't decide to go infront of it.

Now, everytime I see a car I think about jumping infront of it, and how it would feel. I see big cars or trucks or buses and I think "wow that would fuck me up". I also have started to look at tall buildings and visualise a body falling off, imagining the speed, the sound of impact, stuff like that. I also constantly think about an accident happening whenever I'm in a car.

Idk I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else just vivdly fantasises about dying, and imagining the feeling and aftermath. Sometimes when I'm standing right on the edge of a busy road, I get such a rush thinking "one step and I'll be hit".

What do you guys think?

Everytime I hear about someone dying or getting killed in one fashion or another I think to myself "lucky bastard" It reminds me of a scene from Grumpy Old Men.

 

[badatparties]

Yes. Several times a day. When I'm out, in the back of my mind I'm constantly looking for opportunities, especially for "accidents". A few days ago I heard about someone who went to the doctor for pain, found out they had advanced cancer and were dead in 3 months. I was jealous.

There was this famous YouTuber who got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was dead within a year. It sucks because he was full of life and constantly working on projects. Life isn't fair.

 

[Monomni]

Yes, it really gets in the way of my daily functioning. I can't handle the intrusive thoughts and psychosomatic sensations of it. I wish I could focus or shut it out of my mind but it's constant and I can't distract myself from it.

 

[Warriorsfan]

I only think I'm gonna die in my sleep tonight. So I'm ready and prepared to die.

 

[chakravyuh]

Every night before going to sleep I pray to god so that I don't have to wake up again and every morning i cry why he hasn't taken me away from this fucked up world. Every breath is a nightmare.

I wish i have a cardiac arrest or an accident at any moment now.

God I wish to die before this world does more harm to me.

 

[deep-sleeper]

Extremely relatable

 

[Daphne]

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take

 

[fedup1982]

My imagination isn't great but I imagine myself trying to die and it failing, I hate it. I wish I could just fking do it already but I'm too worried I'll fk it up and have to live in even worse state. Fk life!!!

 

[nool]

Daily. I keep going over my plan, trying to figure out how best to do it. I mentally write out my suicide note and other notes I want to leave for specific people. I guess I focus more on the logistics side of it rather than the emotional or physical sides.

 

[Grimlock]

I think about it quite often. I keep thinking of getting into a car accident, having a heart attack or an aneurysm, or simply going to sleep and just not waking up. I cant stop fantasizing about some abrupt end to this pathetic state I find myself in.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Note, I'm not going to CTB unless conditions really go south (enough to make CTB worth it for me) and I am able to post a final thread.

Daily. I keep going over my plan, trying to figure out how best to do it. I mentally write out my suicide note and other notes I want to leave for specific people. I guess I focus more on the logistics side of it rather than the emotional or physical sides.

oo wow, I've done a bit of that, used a private online place to store a potential goodbye thread (doubt I'd need it, but it is just in case prep), done the study of my chosen method (it merely requires 3 socks and practice). However, I haven't done the semi final steps like wiping SaSu from browser history, deleting passwords, and encrypting saved .html files from here into a random looking 7z file (or similar), writing down the "trigger reason" and the "broader reasons".

Even if not CTBing, I should consolidate and encrypt the save files.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

Everyday. When I'm showering I imagine what if I jump into a sea and die, I don't know swimming or when im cleaning fans bled i daydream about hanging me there, setting myself in fire, hiring someone to torture me to death i like daydreaming those so much and i feel like those aren't even close to brutal of what I have in my life, those thoughts gives me so much peace it's like a lullaby...

 

[Mooseanonsky]

Yep.

I go between being scared of it and welcoming it.

Scared because there's nothing there. It's not like sleeping, I think. The thought of an afterlife not existing is terrifying (even though I'm an agnostic atheist)

Welcoming it because my life sucks right now. It hurts to breathe and I can't escape it. Taking SN sounds less painful than my asthma at this point.

 

[knickknack81]

I certainly think about it a decent amount. There are days when I feel like im doing good and im in a solid state of mind. Then, for a number of different reasons, something will trigger me into thinking about just ending everything. I wish (like many of us here) to just go to sleep one night and never wake up. Mainly because I fear so many other options seem painful or very risky with a chance of failure (making things worse for me). That and the fact that I am not 100 percent certain it is the action I want to to take. Maybe in that sense, it's a good thing that I really have to make sure CTB is the right action for me and not some on/off switch to complete the act.

 

[tooBadTooLate]

Yeah, frequently. The most recent one, I could recall, was about crashing my motorbike into a car, wheezing for someone to help me in the aftermath. However, I didn't dwell much on the CTB part—I still have a lot left behind, a lot of things unchecked in the to-do list. I've got a noose set up, but all I've done was fantasize about finally using it. I still haven't kicked my SI, haven't sent my letters, all the sort, so there's that.

I go between being scared of it and welcoming it.

Scared because there's nothing there. It's not like sleeping, I think. The thought of an afterlife not existing is terrifying (even though I'm an agnostic atheist)

Welcoming it because my life sucks right now. It hurts to breathe and I can't escape it. Taking SN sounds less painful than my asthma at this point.

Relatable too.

 

[badatparties]

God I wish to die before this world does more harm to me.

I relate to that so much. Just don't want to be humiliated any further.

 

[starinthesky]

Thinking about dying is one of the last coherent thought patterns I have left. I'm so sick of everything else, nothing comes close to the warmth or gentleness of it.

 

[Poiter1987]

From morning to night

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Constantly. I fantasize about blowing my head open (no I dont actually have access to a gun) or jumping in front of a train or off a building. I like to fantasize about then being reborn into an actually good life.