Discussion Does anyone else avoid people they like until those people reach out to them first?

[coolgal82]

I've noticed that like atleast recently with people i like i tend to like avoid them and only interact with them like in public (online obv i dont leave the house really) or if they talk to me first.
I'm pretty sure it stems from the fact that im really worried about annoying them and making them hate me, atleast thats my current theory. It's really annoying honestly. like if i like someone and theyre like getting too close or whatever just boom shut them out until they like knock on the door. im not really like this with people i dont like as much like its a weird paradox where the more i like someone the less i interact with them??? part of it is also just cus autism and im really bad at talking to people.

Like part of it ive also realised just a bit ago is like idk i see someone and im like "omg theyre so cool and awesome" i go out of my way to interact with them more but then just kinda start avoiding them, especially if i think that they don't like me based on like whatever reason. idk my brain doesnt make sense. theres also an element of "oh wow theyre cool i respect them alot i bet they want nothing to do with just a useless nobody like me" (this is even worse with my besties where i despise myself for not being able to like do anything for them in return for just how fucking awesome they are i just wanna tell them that but i cant i love them so much.) (except when i dont? but thats another issue) and like idk.

Kinda unrelated but also kinda related i've also noticed a pattern in my behaviour where i like tend to just overshare with people then go like "oh shit" and start like avoiding them or atleast hate myself after. and my brain gets stuck inbetween like "i wanna get closer to them i want them to solve all my issues for me and give me advice and help me" and "i dont know thats kinda scary what if i annoy them and they leave me or feel like im taking advantage of them and putting nothing into the friendship yet recieving everything" or whatever sometimes. i've literally never had close friends before now because i just kinda... couldnt? for many reasons especially those listed above. i'm only close with my besties (and it still doesnt feel like enough but also feels like too much idk) because of an outside incident.

idk im just kinda rambling here lmao i dont even remember what i was trying to say im just kinda going insane tonight has been a ride lmao. had a lil breakdown and SHed a tiny bit for like 30 mins idk how long then went to feeling absoloutely nothing then happy then idfk???? lmao.

 

[uselessflesh]

i do the same exact thing without even realizing. i do have avpd so it's kind of in me to naturally resort to waiting for others to reach out first and i'm terrified of being shut down or ghosted. hypocritical since i do the exact same whether by accident, fear or depression in general. it's only recently that i've been practically begging to spend time with some of them that i know won't reject me, and that's only because otherwise i know they would abandon me if i stop masking and continue outwardly isolating and rotting like how i truly feel i should be expressing. friends are scary, i'm new to them. it's difficult to read them. i think we all deserve to be heard regardless. i don't think it would hurt to go to the one you think would be the least likely to "reject" if that's what you fear. i'm still miserable but it's gotten me company and it makes them happy that they have someone to infodump to, so it's not too bad at all.